Loss, love and lack of support

[Mojito100]

I'm not sure truly where this post should go. It was the anniversary of my daughters passing last week. She has been gone 5 long years which is now longer than she graced me with her presence. It is her birthday next week and as others in this forum would understand I get up and go on each day but underneath I am dead and purely executing the emotions expected if me. I have cried and cried until I think there are no more tears until the next bout come. I madly love my two DS's yet one has such significant behavioural problems I feel completely alone and unsupported. I am a sole parent and the kids have no acces to their father. My family are great but don't understand my ds or all that I try to do to help him. The school do their best yet have an archaic mindset. I needed to vent and didn't know where else to go. It's one of those times I feel so helpless and just want someone to help carry this burden. How do you help those you love to breaking point and love those you have lost so tragically. I know I will get up tomorrow and put on the mask yet how do I go on now when I can't stop the flood of feelings.

It was such a happy day and now lying in bed missing the beautiful soul that should be snuggling with me.

Up and down we go.

Its just too exhausting Mojito, I just want off this crappy rollercoaster.

sending love xxx

Snuggle your boys extra tight.

I've raised my coffee cup this morning.

Sending you a hug for yourself. XX

Thanks Lily and Jen. I raised my cup yesterday morning sitting peacefully with the dogs. I really find it quite therapeutic to think of all our loved ones and each of us left here. I'm not sure why. I take comfort thinking of others instead of myself and knowing others out there understand helps me in itself.

I think (for me) it helps to think more of other people and less about me or Paddy. I'm not that altruistic though and do find that I think more about me and Paddy more often than not. I need to train my mind not to go to unhelpful places.

I get you. I can't not think of my DD but do like to think of others. It's partly selfish as knowing I'm not alone in this grief does help.

I still haven't made my mind up about the "thoughts". Is it better not to have them, does it help me to heal by having them or am I just not ready to have them? Will I ever be ready? All questions I just don't have the answer for.

I feel like copying and pasting your post onto my thread as it's exactly what I think. xx

Lying here in the middle of the night unable to sleep. Down goes the roller coaster as I am missing her again today.

Loving you always my darling girl. You deserved so much more.

I was just about to go to sleep and I thought of you and wondered how your day had been.... and here I am.

I'm sorry you're not sleeping well tonight. I have to get up and make a cuppa and read until I'm ready again for sleeping when the wakefulness hits me.

Hope you drop off very soon. Night night XX

Hi there mojito, hoping sleep is coming a bit easier to you.
Thinking about you and your darling daughter, and beautiful boys xxx

Hi mojito, just checking in and hoping you are doing okay, sending love xx

Just checking in quickly in an internet cafe. Hope you're ok and got some sleep. Lots of love XXX

Thanks for checking in. Ok at the moment. Stressed on a couple of fronts and need to step back as my style doesn't work for everyone and I am a bit forceful at the moment. Need a chill pill I think.

Hang in there Mojito. You usually get things completely right, but if you feel that you need to just let things wash over a bit then do so. You can only do as much as you can do. Be gentle with yourself and keep nurturing and cosseting those lovely boys.

Took a major chill pill today and am going to work from home tomorrow. Do you ever feel like the world around you is overstimulating and you just need to get off the merry-go-round for awhile? That's how I feel so a bit of solitude tomorrow while plowing through emails will help. At least I won't feel so out of control re work waiting to get done.

Just realised my hormones are going wild to which explains some stuff. Happy to say I have managed not to go off the deep end with the boys so that is a big positive.

Our work with CAMHS is going well. Had a meeting with the school
Which was extremely positive compared to what they normally are.

DS2 still displays extreme anxiety and thoughts around danger and protecting himself in his sessions. It breaks your heart as no little one should have that fear in their life and it shouldn't be so deep rooted either.

DS1 is currently banned from all electronics as he has not been completing his homework. Typical teenager I'm sure.

I continue to be so thankful to have them in my life as they are both amazing in their own individual ways.

I haven't posted for awhile. Just getting on with things really. Feel an angry spurt coming on which is not like me normally.

Missing my darling DD as you would expect. DS1 getting on well - for a teenager. Ds2 making progress but I had a good reminder last week that he still has such a long way to go. My heart breaks for him and how mixed up he is.

Hi Mojito. It's great that the boys are doing so well and only to be expected that you will feel angry sometimes.

Jen said that it's like a jigsaw with a piece missing and I think that's just exactly it. Our jigsaws will never be complete again.

Sending you love and strength and a recipe for a fabulous grown-up ONLY GIN AND TONIC CAKE. Something warm and fragrant and ginny is a little pick-me-up.

THE INGREDIENTS

4 eggs, weighed in their shells

and then equal weight of:
butter
caster sugar
self-raising flour

2 lemons
8-10 shots of your favourite gin
dash tonic water (optional)
Icing sugar

THE RECIPE
Ensure that all your ingredients are at room temperature, and preheat the oven to 180C. Weigh your eggs in their shells, and make a note of the exact weight. Weigh out this much butter and caster sugar, and cream together until light, fluffy and pale. Crack in the eggs, and beat until combined. Sieve in the flour, mix again, then grate in the zest of both lemons. Stir through the juice of 1 lemon and 3-4 shots of gin, then pour into a lined 1kg loaf tin. Bake in the centre of the oven for 45 minutes, or until the cake passes the knife test.

Remove from the oven, and set aside while you make the icing. Combine the icing sugar, gin, tonic and remaining lemon in a bowl to make a glace icing. Spread over cake when it is cool. If you could be bothered you could decorate with strands of very fine lemon rind.

We'll all have to have a slice of gin cake!! and I will toast our beautiful children and you,mojito and lily,hope you're doing okay xx

Yay for Gin Cake to go with Mojito's everlasting cup of coffee! XXX

It is lovely to hear from you both. I will be making this cake this weekend and then sitting in my chair thinking of you and your beautiful boys.

Don't feed it to the boys! I've had to make one this morning. It's so delicious warm with melty ginny icing. I did make a cup of tea to have with a slice and thought of you and your DD. XX

What an odd day today is. I feel so out of sorts. Restless and unsettled and I wish I knew why.

I went to my nieces assembly today which was hosted by a grade 6 class. It is an all girls school and my beautiful DD should have been there participating. She would be in grade 6 this year. It brought tears to my eyes both there and after when I was at work.

Wishing I could hug her tight and never let her go. I miss you darling girl.

I wish you could too, lots of love xx

I wish you could too. How hard it was for you to go and how brave you are.

Coffee date tomorrow morning Mojito and jen. xxx