Loss, love and lack of support

[Mojito100]

I'm not sure truly where this post should go. It was the anniversary of my daughters passing last week. She has been gone 5 long years which is now longer than she graced me with her presence. It is her birthday next week and as others in this forum would understand I get up and go on each day but underneath I am dead and purely executing the emotions expected if me. I have cried and cried until I think there are no more tears until the next bout come. I madly love my two DS's yet one has such significant behavioural problems I feel completely alone and unsupported. I am a sole parent and the kids have no acces to their father. My family are great but don't understand my ds or all that I try to do to help him. The school do their best yet have an archaic mindset. I needed to vent and didn't know where else to go. It's one of those times I feel so helpless and just want someone to help carry this burden. How do you help those you love to breaking point and love those you have lost so tragically. I know I will get up tomorrow and put on the mask yet how do I go on now when I can't stop the flood of feelings.

I made my cake. It was delicious and I have written the recipe up in my little recipe book and named it after you Lily.

A good weekend all in all. DS2 making huge progress and sleeping in his own bed with me on a mattress on the floor in his room.

I have learnt so much from CAMHS which is helping him and the transitioning we have to do.

Some days your head is just a jumble of thoughts which was the case for me yesterday. Feel a little calmer in my head today.

Lily's G&T Cake. Sounds good to me. My DS3 has come home for a couple of weeks and we're going to make one this afternoon.

Glad you had a good weekend. DS2 is doing brilliantly thanks to your wonderful strength and support.

Sending you love XXX

Feeling ok this week. A couple of moments where DD has been missed amongst activities we were doing but no gut wrenching emotions tearing me apart. Still quite content with my own company rather than needing a distraction.

I've been doing a bit of mindfulness mefitation which is helping at home and at work. Smiling mind app I would recommend if you are interested.

Thanks for the recommendation. I'll have a look at it.

I'm so glad you're feeling ok. I find that keeping busy in the garden is a very good distraction at the moment. Keep feeling strong. XX

Hip hip hooray. We made it through the term without being sent home. Incredible leaps and bounds occurring at the moment. Both boys are truly beautiful and so different. DS2 can melt your heart just by the way he looks.

Bless him, for a child so self involved he worried about my mum not doing anything at Easter and told her she could come to our house. It's these little moments that are so precious and show the true child within.

WOOHOOOO!!!!!
Precious times and precious moments. Lots to celebrate.

Coffee date!

Have a good and peaceful weekend. Don't eat too much chocolate!

Here I am thinking I must write to tell you I'm making gin and tonic cake tomorrow. We're off to a friends for an Easter egg hunt and I'm taking it with us and you have already set up our coffee date. Great minds are thinking alike.

I sat and thought of you and Paddy this morning while having a relaxing coffee. I hope you are managing to remain peaceful and DS3 is still with you.

All is calm thank you and DS3 is still here. Yay!

Hope you all have a good day tomorrow. For goodness sake don't let the kids have any of the cake. It's lethal!!

Enjoy the cake. XX

I don't feel like I have posted here for awhile. It's one of those times where I feel in limbo. Keeping busy with a whole range of things but knowing deep down it is an avoidance technique.

DS2 and I are both getting value out of CAMHS. It makes me realise how little I have actually dealt with DD's passing and how much i have to learn about being a mum.

Feeling melancholy today which may indicate why I feel like I'm not achieving what I should. I think I need to have a wallow in self pity for awhile and then dust myself off and get on with things.

We have had a house full of kids for the last week or so but I think I'm ready for some Fien time just the boys and myself.

I miss you always darling girl.

Hi Mojito
Just popping in to remind you of our coffee date and to see how you're doing.

I'm so glad that you feel that CAHMS is helping you and DS2. I wonder how we "deal" with our childrens' deaths and if we really help ourselves sometimes. Then I just remember that you can only do as much as you can do. Sometimes it takes somebody from outside the situation who has a better perspective to just lead us in a better direction (note I used the word "better" and not "right").

You're bound to have flat days and melancholy days. It would be more strange if you didn't. Just be gentle with yourself and sit down and have a cup of coffee with me (virtual coffee that is). I made Victoria sponge cake yesterday. It was Paddy's favourite. We can have some of that too.

The other children will have been a wonderful distraction for you and the boys but don't overdo things and get too tired.

Sending you lots of love

and hugs. xxx

The melancholy has shifted and instead I now feel anxious. I am realising how much of my needs were wrapped up in DS2 and the changes we are implementing, all in his best interests, are causing me some level of anxiety. I've been grinding my teeth the last 2 months which is something I've never done before.

I need to emotionally adjust to the changes and am thankful I now recognise how much of it was in place to support me when I had not realised that at all.

Mum and dad are off on a long holiday and that has also caused some anxiety as it is another loss from the support I have.

It will all be fine which I know logically but the emotional aspects take longer to settle/sort through.

OH my goodness. I think it's great that you're recognising and evaluating the changes in DS2 and that you've reacted to them so positively. He's doing brilliantly but I understand that you're still anxious. Please see your dentist and get a night guard fitted (I say this because I found out at a routine dental appointment a few weeks ago that I have worn my teeth down significantly in the last 20 months and now need a night guard. It's actually very comfy).

Adjusting is always tiring so please look after yourself. Is there anybody else who you can call on for help and support while your parents are away?

I've just had a coffee in the garden. It's a beautiful day here and the sun is shining.

Thinking of you and sending love. XXX

Thinking of you too Mojito and hoping you are doing okay xx

Feeling a little calmer today. Sent statement off to the Coroners Court and think that was adding to dome of the stress I have been carrying around lately. I'm definitely going to the dentist as still gritting my teeth and if something like what you have Lily fixes it that would be good.

Boys are good at the moment. DS2 getting a commendation tomorrow. He is doing do well.

Well done for getting your statement away. That's a big weight off your mind. Let me know what your dentist says. I think that I need something to repair the damage I've done but I don't know if it exists.

Hurrah hurrah for DS2 getting a commendation. That's brilliant. He's doing so well.

The coffee cup was raised on Saturday morning as usual.

Hope you're feeling calm at the start of the week and that you all had a peaceful weekend.

Sending love.

I raised my coffee cup a few times this weekend. I had Friday and Monday off work which was lovely. It's been incredibly lazy weekend and I have picked up my tapestry again which was lovely to do. I should have been doing work but unfortunately just didn't want to so didn't. I'll pay the price tomorrow when I'm back at work.

Boys are good. DS2 and I took the figs go the beach and we had a ball. Full of squeals of laughter and joy. Thee moments are just so precious but always touched with melancholy. I can live in the moment and appreciate I am trying to give them a normal childhood which I think they have and love. How lucky they are.

Fleeting happy moments. Precious moments but touched with melancholy. That just sums it up. Everything is underpinned with sadness even when on the surface of it I'm ok.

Very glad you had a lovely, lazy weekend. I expect you needed it.

What a funny old year this has been. Still have feelings of anxiety at completely random times. I'm going to book a massage and a dental trip as per Lily's advice.

Iron those tired muscles and count teeth! I would love a massage so much right now. I'll follow your example and book one. It's a bank holiday here today so everything is closed. France is shut!

XX

I feel like I haven't posted for awhile. DS2 made it through another camp. He didn't sleep over but that's ok as that is still a work in progress for us. He had a few wobbles at camp but recovered quickly and feedback was he was better than all expected. Some days we have breakthroughs.

He didn't yell at me the other day when i was talking and not properly listening to him. Instead he asked me to listen. It probably sounds trivial to others but from where we have come to where we are now its enormous.

DS1 remains the most amazing human being and is such a pleasure. I am blessed to have both still in my life and remember this regularly.

I remain with a feeling of anxiety so am off for a massage today to rebalance my chakras. Haven't done it before so hope it works.

Missing my beautiful DD every day.

That's the most amazing progress from DS2. He's done brilliantly and really should be congratulated. DS1 is such a little treasure.

Well done for awarding yourself a massage. Have you made a dental appointment yet? (Yes I am nagging!)

and and all round ( only for you obviously!) xxx

Sending you lots of love today especially. XXX