Loss, love and lack of support

[Mojito100]

I'm not sure truly where this post should go. It was the anniversary of my daughters passing last week. She has been gone 5 long years which is now longer than she graced me with her presence. It is her birthday next week and as others in this forum would understand I get up and go on each day but underneath I am dead and purely executing the emotions expected if me. I have cried and cried until I think there are no more tears until the next bout come. I madly love my two DS's yet one has such significant behavioural problems I feel completely alone and unsupported. I am a sole parent and the kids have no acces to their father. My family are great but don't understand my ds or all that I try to do to help him. The school do their best yet have an archaic mindset. I needed to vent and didn't know where else to go. It's one of those times I feel so helpless and just want someone to help carry this burden. How do you help those you love to breaking point and love those you have lost so tragically. I know I will get up tomorrow and put on the mask yet how do I go on now when I can't stop the flood of feelings.

Oh Mojito - your post has moved me so much. Thinking of you and your family and, of course, of your darling DD.

The clarity of your emotions and feelings shines through your post.

You have infinite love for your DSs and your DD - and, it's true, that can hurt. I remember my dad telling me that he loved his children 'so much that it hurts'. But that's what we do and we do it well. Love our children with all our hearts even when our hearts are at breaking point. In our turn, to replenish us, we need to be cared for. You sound as though you having a loving family. Do you also have support from outside your family? Is there some untapped professional support that you could access to help you, for example, with your DS who has behavioural problems?

Wrap a cloak of love and comfort around yourself and get as much support as you need. Five years is no time at all. Be very, very patient with and kind to yourself.

You probably know Compassionate Friends?

www.tcf.org.uk

In my thoughts - take care. xx

Thank you Eloise. I do have a lot of support and see a psych it's just one if those times in life when you are so overwhelmed you feel completely bereft and drowning under the avalanche of all the different emotions. Being able to write on here helps enormously and your post was just what I needed to keep going forward. Thank you b

How are you, Mojito? I hope that the avalanche of emotions that you write so clearly about is receding - bit by bit. And that you'll be able to celebrate your dear daughter's birthday this coming week without feeling overwhelmed by grief. I know, and many of us here know, what you mean when you talk about putting on a mask and getting on with the day in spite of deep sadness within. Sometimes I find the getting on with it helps though.

I was at work the other day, a sudden sadness overcame me and I cried (as it happened no-one noticed, such is the layout of my office) but I was quite glad to be somewhere where life just sort of plods on.

I'm very glad you have support and hope that it's helping to hold you up right now -

Re your DS with behavioural issues - I guess you've looked at some other MN forum topics? Some have been hugely helpful for me - practical advice, encouragement, affirmation -

Take good care of yourself.

Thanks Eloise. I think the avalanche for this month is starting to pass. I'm going to head off to the cemetery on my own on her birthday and sit on the memorial seat I have there. This time of the year is always the worst and those days of feeling helpless become so much harder to bear. I also had tears at work on Friday and get what you mean. I have been reading the other chats re behavioural problems and taking on board all the different strategies offered. With the loss of DD at this time I feel like I am failing DS. Logic says I'm not but that fear mothers have for their children and that overwhelming love which makes you want the best for them can take hold and block out the logic. I had a classic conversation with my dad today. He's of the older generation, highly opinionated and knows everything! His view is that I need to be considering everyone else impacted by DS behaviour and DS needs to stop. I am highly considerate of others which is why I agree to behavioural plan at school which is of no benefit to DS but of benefit to others and he has absolutely no idea that DS doesn't want to behave like this he can't help it. That's when I feel unsupported as I am the only advocate for DS. I just wish I could make it all better fir him. Thanks again for listening.

Mojito - you OK? How did you get on on your DD's birthday?

Your dad is, as you infer, who he is. Little by little he may pick up the reality of your situation. I do hope so because support from such a close family member would be invaluable.

Thinking of your DS - is there a county wide service (or a national one) that could offer more or less objective advice about the plan that the school has imposed? You mention the word 'advocate'. Is there an advocacy service for parents? I remember years ago something of that kind within our LEA. Have you thought of posting under Education on MN?

By the way, you certainly are not failing. A loving, resourceful, bright, courageous mother. How could you be failing your DS?

Courage, Mogito - and try to do something extra special for yourself this weekend.

Thanks Eloise for your kind words and thoughts. Unfortunately I'm not in the UK and where I am we don't seem to have the same support structures you do. I got through DDs birthday but did fall in a bit of hole afterwards. I think that's what happens when you hold if together. DS seems to be going well at the moment although I don't want to speak too soon. I have been giving him melatonin which was recommended to help him sleep and I think it is making a huge difference. He is such an anxious kid it is almost like he sleeps with one eye open. Now he is rested things are coming together. I did post on the MM boards about kids with disabilities and had amazing feedback to read the book the explosive child. I feel like this book was written about my DS it is so apt. I'm adopting the strategies in the book and have spoken at length to the school and teacher and also given them a copy of the book. Fingers crossed it goes well. In relation to DD I miss her every day but the three months each side of Christmas are always the worst.

How are you feeling, Mojitio? I hope things are getting better a little for you. Thoughts.

Thanks Kat. I'm not in the depths of despair like I was but still miss my DD every single minute. There is pleasure and pain in thinking about her but I wouldn't ever not. So far DS has had a good two weeks at school so fingers crossed that continues. His behavioural issues always abound at the same time as DDs birthday and anniversary of her passing. Not much I can do about the timing though.

Hi Mojito. I know you've messaged me before and we've corresponded on other threads but this is the first time I've found your thread. I'm so sorry about your DD and do completely understand your loss. Things are obviously very difficult and complicated for you. Do you have friends who can help you, and just look after you a bit? You're so busy looking after your DSs that you forget to look after you and be kind to you.

Pleasure and pain every day.... you're so right. The actress in us is winning Oscars every day.

I hope today was ok.

Lily, thanks for writing. My youngest DS has had a good few weeks at school, however, it all went to pot today. I am looking on the positive side that he has had such a good few weeks and I know he will go backwards every now and then but it is hard not to feel like a crappy mum when it does go to pot. I met up with my psych yesterday as I cant seem to shift these feelings at the moment. I think I'm in for a rocky road ahead as I need to work through so much stuff in relation to the loss of my DD, changing myself personally and learning what else I can do to support my DS's. I think you will hear from me a lot as I am going to find it quite confronting.

I have processed the practicalities of losing my DD but not the emotions and I think it is time to start on that path otherwise I will forever stay in this never ending cycle that occurs each month.

I'll write a bit more later as it is school pick up time for me.

I've done school pick up, dinner is underway and I have a minute to myself so thought I would give you a bit more of an update. DS decided to have a meltdown at school today having not had one for a few weeks. Throwing scissors and other atrocious behaviour that puts others at risk. It's not acceptable and I fully support the school telling me he can't go in tomorrow. He won't talk to me about it at the moment but that is one I will tackle later using some strategies I have gathered from other Mumsnetters.

In relation to my DD I spoke to the psych this week and said I have to get off this cycle. Every month I go through the same emotions and I don't want to keep doing that. I can't ever stop thinking about her and don't want to but I have to stop hiding from all the horrendous thoughts I bottle up about how she passed away. I have to find what little peace I can in such a terrible situation.

The reason I find it hard with DS and DD is I feel I failed my DD and therefore DS's problems also make me feel like a failure. I can rationalise with the best of you out there but knowing something logically does not necessarily mean your feelings are in sync. I can't bring my DD back but would do anything to make this happen.

I have some wonderful friends but I don't feel comfortable talking about this with them. It's stupid but being strong is important to me and the only true way I have managed this far is by holding it in. Having found mumsnet again I think this is a forum that can help. You understand what this journey is like as you walk the path yourselves. You offer advice and support from actual experience and you also offer an ear knowing there are times when saying nothing is also just as valuable. It is difficult for friends to truly know what to do or say when they haven't experienced this gut wrenching emotion and have the dreams and nightmares we do. How do you ever get past the emptiness inside and the longing to bring someone back who you can't.

The motto of this story is "life is shit " and sometimes it just doesn't get better. I'll make the most of it though and do everything I can for my boys. It's their right to have a life equal to that of someone not impacted by such a terrible tragedy.

Thanks all for listening.

Hi mojito. I'm so sorry your DS had a bad day. How old is he? How old is your other DS? Does he have additional support at school? Excluding him is all very well, but it does mean that you're left to pick up the pieces today. Is there somebody you can talk to at school about getting help to manage his behaviour.

I know you're seeing a psych but have you seen your doctor and thought about taking anti-depressants to help you to function and get through this bad patch? I am taking ADs and it's just taking the edge of things and I can manage a bit better. It'd not for ever, just a few months.

I don't think you've failed anybody at all, but you're right about synchronising logic and feelings. It doesn't work like that does it. Sometimes things in your head are too terrible to share with people you care about as you don't want them to have the same images/thoughts as you. That's why I went for counselling. I think MN also helps.

Hope you have a good day. (sending you a very un-mumsnet hug xx)

Thanks lily, I hope you also have a good day. I've just started on St. John's wort so will give that a go and if it doesn't work move to anti-d's I think that is what I probably need.

School are good with ds2 who has just turned 8 but is emotionally so much younger. Ds1 is a 12 year old little soldier who gets on with things. Unfortunately he internalises everything so I watch him closely too. We all see a psych and ds2 is hopefully going to get CBT therapy to help him with his behaviours.

School need to remove ds2 for the safety of others it just breaks my heart as he doesn't act like this because he wants to he can't control it as he is developmentally delayed. I try not to make excuses and definitely don't have rose coloured glasses on in relation to my kids or myself but I also believe we should call it what it is and he is behind emotionally and cognitively compared to his peers. He is now so distraught at missing school tomorrow it will create further problems in relation to his anxiety and confidence. The battle goes on!

I made some bad decisions when leaving my ex which have impacted on all my kids and ds2 has severe anxiety issues stemming from this and the loss of my DD. Unfortunately my 2 boys were present when my ex took DD's life. Things are certainly complicated and I walk a fine line trying to figure out what is related to their trauma from this incident, what is part of their natural personality and what is from decisions I have made that are now impacting them.

Well, no one said being a mum was easy but I would like to have been told just how damn hard it could be:). I wouldn't trade it though, I had nearly five years with my DD and I am incredibly lucky to still have my two boys. I do count my blessings and cherish every moment with them even when it is tough. Both my boys are truly beautiful in such different ways and even with ds2's challenges he is loving, caring, funny and perfect.

Thanks again for listening. I'm off to give them both a massive hug.

Thanks Mojito. I am racing to get out of the house, but I didn't want you to think I'd seen your post and ignored. I'll reply later more fully.

For now, I hope your day with your DS is calm. Good luck, and give him an extra tight squeeze, xxx

And I'm back. It's been a strange and unsettling evening and now I'm counting down the minutes until Paddy's birthday. His first without us.

I've been thinking about your DSs. They are so young. Aren't school referring the younger one to an ed psych for assessment and help? The school SENCO should be able to offer advice. Ask for help. Ask your doctor for help. Don't try and be all things to all people on your own. I think it's probably a good thing that you recognise that your DS has problems, you're on his side and obviously want to sort things out so that he can function better. Maybe school need to help him develop some strategies that he can use to remove himself from a place when he feels wobbly and go somewhere for a quiet time out? I don't know what to suggest without knowing the child.

It sounds as if you are doing all the right things to help support your boys and be there for them. Remember to be gentle with yourself, and get support and help for you too. Your poor babies have had a terrible time (and so have you) and I do think that it all has to come out somewhere, sooner or later. They are lucky that they've got you as their mum.

Hope you get a good sleep and that Friday is a better day for you all.
XXX

Thanks lily. It's Friday here already so I'm going to spoil myself today and have a nice breakfast first off and spend some time thinking about you and the amazing love you have for Paddy. It will be my way of remembering him on your behalf, then tonight even though I'm not one to drink at home I'm going to open up a nice bottle if wine and have a drink for him.

That's so nice. Thank you. Hope you have something lovely to drink.

It's a bright sunny day here and I've been out with the dogs and a good friend and then we're going to see him and take birthday cake.

Hope your DS has a better day. At least it's only one day back at school and then you can have a nice weekend together.

Hi mojito. Sorry I haven't been around for a few days. I've just been a bit quiet licking my wounds and keeping my head down.
I think I've picked up from your other posts that you're feeling a bit brighter and stronger? I hope so and I hope that this extra strength lasts for a while and will help you to deal with the issues your DS has. I hope he's had a good start to the week at school.

Lily, good to hear from you. My resilience is up at the moment. Thank god!

Ds2 went to school yesterday but when he had to have the chat with his teacher about what happened last Thursday he had another meltdown and had to be removed from school. Luckily I was there doing reading in the class so he came to work with me and was a complete angel. You wouldn't have known he was there he was that perfect.

I saw a psych today in relation to him being treated with CBT therapy and she will speak with her supervisor and get back to me next week with a proposed treatment plan. I feel like things are moving forward so that is good. CBT therapy will be incredibly challenging for him and I believe bring a regression with me seeing the behaviours he displays st school at home for awhile but I do have hope it will help in the long run.

I am not so tearful re DD this week but I find my moods follow my hormones. Don't know if you find that too. Seeing my psych next week to start working through her loss rather than avoiding things. I'll keep you updated on here as to how that is going. It will be tough no doubt.

I thought you were taking some time for you. It's been a big week and hard for you to get through and I am sure have also helped others in your family and circle of friends get through. We all need that time to be alone and I hope you take it whenever you need it.

Hi mojita.
Sorry I haven't been in contact for a while. I've just had a lot to deal with and felt quiet and small.

I'm very glad that you're getting some help and support for your DS.

I don't know about moods and hormones. I don't seem to have any hormones any more and I just feel sad and quiet most of the time. I sometimes manage to put on a good face for a wee while, but then once I'm on my own again I can be quiet.

Look after yourself.

Thanks lily. Tears today for DD and all the experiences she never got to enjoy or do. I'm sure the same is for you and your loss. Its always triggered by small things. I think that's often what breaks my heart.... All the life she never had the chance to live. I would give anything to give that to her.

Hi Mojito.
Sorry you've had a bad day. Me too. I'm at my home in France and have found a photograph of Paddy playing hockey a couple of years ago that I'd forgotten we had. This is where I was when i got the news of his death. Brings back so many terrible memories.
I've been thinking about all the things he'll never do as well. You're so right. it's the small things.
Hope you get some sleep.
XXX

Treasure all you have Lilly. It's never the same as having them here with you but every little memory becomes so precioys. France will be so hard for you for so many different reasons. It's good to hear from you be gentle on yourself.

xx

Thought I would post to say I had been meaning to put a photo of my DD on my new computer as a desktop picture. I found such a beautiful one today and got myself organised. It has brought some tears as sitting at my desk looking into her truly beautiful brown eyes and her cheeky grin just made me want to hug her. Whenever I think of hugging her it reminds me if sitting in the hospital with her and having to tell them they could turn off the life support machine. I held her in my arms as she passed away and just wished for that not to be the case.

I can still see everything so vividly in my mind and feel absolutely everything about that day. The most horrific experience of my life. I just want to turn the clock back.