Please or to access all these features

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Loss, love and lack of support

352 replies

Mojito100 · 06/02/2014 13:56

I'm not sure truly where this post should go. It was the anniversary of my daughters passing last week. She has been gone 5 long years which is now longer than she graced me with her presence. It is her birthday next week and as others in this forum would understand I get up and go on each day but underneath I am dead and purely executing the emotions expected if me. I have cried and cried until I think there are no more tears until the next bout come. I madly love my two DS's yet one has such significant behavioural problems I feel completely alone and unsupported. I am a sole parent and the kids have no acces to their father. My family are great but don't understand my ds or all that I try to do to help him. The school do their best yet have an archaic mindset. I needed to vent and didn't know where else to go. It's one of those times I feel so helpless and just want someone to help carry this burden. How do you help those you love to breaking point and love those you have lost so tragically. I know I will get up tomorrow and put on the mask yet how do I go on now when I can't stop the flood of feelings.

OP posts:
Mojito100 · 26/12/2014 14:15

Christmas was as peaceful as it could be with young kids. It does help having their enthusiasm and excitement around as I take such joy in the fact they have their lives to live even if DD doesn't. It's only by the grace of others that they do.

I couldn't make the cemetery on Christmas Eve so lit a beautiful candle at home for DD. I went up on Christmas day which was actually lovely and just right. I'm happy Christmas is over and will pack everything up tomorrow. Now we move towards the dark time which all I can do is persevere through.

OP posts:
LilyTheSavage · 26/12/2014 21:10

Phew! And we made it through to the other side. I'm glad you had a peaceful time but could enjoy your DSs' excitement. They should really be able to enjoy their childhood even if it has been tainted by the loss of their sister.

Keep breathing. One breath after another.... and repeat..... I'm here to listen and talk.

LilyTheSavage · 30/12/2014 12:29

How are you doing? Thought of you this morning and raised my coffee cup - as I know you do to me! Brew

Mojito100 · 31/12/2014 13:19

Managing at the moment. I was thinking of you and Paddy this morning sitting in my chair. Not too sad which is due to the anti-d's but I'm interested to see how things go in January and February. Maybe I'll stay numb.

OP posts:
LilyTheSavage · 31/12/2014 14:51

Glad you're ok Mojito. Hang in there.

Sending you lots of love for a happy (if possible) and peaceful 2015.

Mojito100 · 02/01/2015 10:09

I am just so constantly tired at the moment. I think it is the anti-d's. It's 6pm here and I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer so have hopped into bed. I seem to keep waking up at 3am every morning but can go back go sleep.

Had a weird dream last night about exh. Luckily I can't remember it clearly just that I woke up feeling very uncomfortable. This morning I was hoping it was a sign he hadn't survived the night in jail. Unfortunately I don't think I can be that lucky.

OP posts:
LilyTheSavage · 03/01/2015 12:32

Hi Mojito. Sorry you're feeling so tired all the time. Grief is exhausting isn't it, and the ADs must surely have a part to play in it too. If I'm awake in the night I have to put the light on and read, or go and make tea. I'm usually on my own as my DH works overseas so that's ok. He's here at the moment so if I'm feeling wakeful I get up and go elsewhere so I don't disturb him. No point in both of us being awake.

Strange to have a dream about your exh. I guess that as you haven't posted again you weren't lucky!

Look after yourself. xx

Mojito100 · 03/01/2015 13:29

No..... Not lucky at all. Getting on with things here and filling the house with kids for sleepovers etc.

OP posts:
LilyTheSavage · 05/01/2015 09:20

Maybe one day you'll get lucky!!!

The sound of the kids playing and just chilling is lovely and life-affirming. Enjoy.

Look after yourself.

Mojito100 · 12/01/2015 12:09

Two weeks left of school holidays here. It's bern a great break for all of us. Let's hope 2015 is as good as the end of 2014.

OP posts:
LilyTheSavage · 12/01/2015 15:46

Enjoy the time with them.

I've been thinking about you and hoping that your DSs are enjoying their break. Let's hope for another good term from DS2. He did so well before Christmas. Thanks

Mojito100 · 16/01/2015 22:08

Just feel like hibernating at the moment.

OP posts:
LilyTheSavage · 17/01/2015 07:35

I will join you.

Mojito100 · 20/01/2015 18:27

Getting on with things here. Still feel quite numb but finally having some tears tonight. I need them and they just won't come. Next week is the anniversary of DD's passing and a few weeks after that her birthday. The mask is in heavy use at the moment and luckily working well.

OP posts:
LilyTheSavage · 21/01/2015 20:58

Keep that mask in place and let it slip when you need to. You're being so strong for your DSs and this is helping them I know. Be kind and gentle to yourself as well.
Sending you lots of love.

LilyTheSavage · 25/01/2015 13:56

Hi Mojito.
How's your weekend?
Fancy a Brew?

Mojito100 · 26/01/2015 10:52

Would love a Brew. No sugar thanks. Pretty good weekend. First day of school for us tomorrow. I'm full of hope and optimism and think we may just be on the up. Don't want to jinx it though.

Had a wonderful day with friends today and DS2 didn't have a Ritalin and was so perfect I was speechless. I was so proud if him and his efforts today with all of his friends.

Still taking time to hide out at the moment and just be quiet. Energy levels a bit low but pushing on as you have to. Hope you are well Lily.

OP posts:
LilyTheSavage · 26/01/2015 17:54

Milk? It's yours!

So glad to hear you had a good weekend and it's great to hear you sounding so positive. Fingers crossed for DS2 and the new term. Well done him.

Keep being gentle with yourself.... it seems to be working. You can only do as much as you can do. I'm feeling ok-ish at the moment. The gut-wrenching waves of grief are fractionally less frequent but they still do happen.

Hope tomorrow goes well.

Sending you lots of love XXX

Mojito100 · 28/01/2015 11:46

I miss you my darling girl. I've lit a candle for you which really just isn't enough but is all I have along with my precious memories which I hold so dear.

Wishing you were here and angry that I can't turn back the clock and save you.

OP posts:
LilyTheSavage · 28/01/2015 11:55

Oh Mojito. It's just so crap. I'm lighting a candle and thinking of your precious DD.

Just sending you a huge hug and lots of love.

Mojito100 · 28/01/2015 12:28

Thanks. I've been good until just now. A few tears may be just what I need. I've hit tomorrow off as annual leave and think I will just spend some quiet time with my memories.

OP posts:
Mojito100 · 28/01/2015 12:29

Got not hit.

OP posts:
LilyTheSavage · 28/01/2015 13:28

Have a peaceful quiet time and be gentle with yourself.

Brew
LilyTheSavage · 01/02/2015 08:15

Morning Mojito. Just waving to you and raising my coffee cup. Hope you're ok and that DS2 had a good start to the term. Sending you love.

LilyTheSavage · 10/02/2015 09:59

The Brew has been raised.
Sending you Thanks to say thank you.