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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Loss, love and lack of support

352 replies

Mojito100 · 06/02/2014 13:56

I'm not sure truly where this post should go. It was the anniversary of my daughters passing last week. She has been gone 5 long years which is now longer than she graced me with her presence. It is her birthday next week and as others in this forum would understand I get up and go on each day but underneath I am dead and purely executing the emotions expected if me. I have cried and cried until I think there are no more tears until the next bout come. I madly love my two DS's yet one has such significant behavioural problems I feel completely alone and unsupported. I am a sole parent and the kids have no acces to their father. My family are great but don't understand my ds or all that I try to do to help him. The school do their best yet have an archaic mindset. I needed to vent and didn't know where else to go. It's one of those times I feel so helpless and just want someone to help carry this burden. How do you help those you love to breaking point and love those you have lost so tragically. I know I will get up tomorrow and put on the mask yet how do I go on now when I can't stop the flood of feelings.

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Mojito100 · 30/10/2014 22:05

Yeah, that intolerance of others is a fine line. It's the lack of patience I have for those that think the world owes them something or their problems are major when they aren't.

There are so many people in the world truly suffering hardship or heartache and when those who are ungrateful for what they have voice it I get so frustrated.

Losing a loved one has made me more compassionate in many ways but also so much more aware of how precious life is and how short. Wasting time complaining instead of trying to fix the issue dies my head in.

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LilyTheSavage · 31/10/2014 08:23

You're right of course. Sometimes I want to yell to somebody that actually the problem that they have is actually nothing at all and that nobody died.

I won't have any friends left at this rate. But on the other hand, I think I am actually very compassionate and kind. Just have re-adjusted my values and the scale of importance.

I don't know how the issues in our heads can be fixed, if at all. If you find a recipe please share!

LilyTheSavage · 04/11/2014 10:47

Hi Mojito.
How's things? Are you still counting down to the end of term? Hope DS2 is managing to keep on track. Thinking of you as I look across my friend's garden. The flowers are tropical and are blistering hot colours (I'm in Kenya. It's a bright and sunny day and the wind is making the trees shake gently. I can hear the birds singing and the noise of somebody sweeping. It's peaceful but I'm thinking of my darling boy and all my bereaved friends' darling babies. Sending you love.

Mojito100 · 05/11/2014 13:22

So lovely to hear from you lily. Still counting down every day. 5.5 weeks to go.

Ds2 is on camp at the moment and I have everything crossed hoping it goes ok.

Your locations always sound so amazing. First France and now Kenya.

Had that sinking feeling in my gut today. As though something was going to go wrong. It hasn't yet so let's hope it passes. I have started my anti-d's so hopefully they will help at this time and as Christmas nears. Things ticking along here - almost like a ticking time bomb. Let's hope it doesn't detonate until the end of term.

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Mojito100 · 07/11/2014 13:00

Ds2 was sent home from camp last night. It was done in a way that allowed him some dignity and so different to how they treated him last year. I am so amazed by his teacher. I bought her some chocolates as a small thank you for all she did for him on camp. I took him back again this morning and he had a great day.

All in all he has had an amazing experience and I'm so pleased for him. He was absolutely destroyed by their actions last year.

He has 4 weeks left of school lets hope he makes it through.

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LilyTheSavage · 07/11/2014 19:30

I'm so pleased that camp has been a good experience for DS2. It can only be positive for him, and such a relief for you.

Counting down. Hang in there.

Mojito100 · 09/11/2014 11:49

4 weeks to go and counting. I may keep DS2 home on the odd day depending on how things are. The end of school is generally quite hard for him with not as much routine to his class day what with practicing for Christmas catols etc. I'll keep my eye on him and see how things pan out.

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LilyTheSavage · 20/11/2014 03:54

Just touching base quickly. I'll pm you properly in a few days when I'm back in France. I think keeping DS2 out of school for the odd day is a good idea. You can judge when you think he might be getting over-tired or feeling emotional and might just need that time out. The excitement leading up to Christmas can be very difficult for some children to deal with.

Mojito100 · 20/11/2014 08:54

Good to hear from you lily. DS2 is doing really well with his CAHMS appointments. I'm surprised at how open he is being with psych and I think this is the evidence that we did make some progress with the CBT.
CAHMS, myself and school are meeting next week so will be interested to see how that goes.

I think my anti-d's are helping too. I didn't have a significant dip last period which I can do and feel I have tolerance for people again. I generally lose my tolerance at this time of year. I think my more even mood is also helping DS2 so all is good at the moment.

DS1 remains a great kid and very even in all he does. He's had agood year at school and done well.

2 weeks to go and still counting every day.

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LilyTheSavage · 24/11/2014 03:48

That's fantastic Mojito. I'm so glad that things are stable and even at the moment. It sounds like this is really a time of catching up with yourselves and just gathering yourself together. I'm so pleased DS2 is doing so well. I've thought of you often while I've been away. It also sounds like you taking the ADs has been a really positive step and is helping you to be able to help DS2 more.

Counting down the days with you.

Mojito100 · 24/11/2014 12:40

Lovely to hear from you lily. I've bern thinking about you too.

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Mojito100 · 28/11/2014 23:30

3 days of school to go. Yippee. He's done brilliantly and I am so proud of him. A small reversion to type this week but I think that is tiredness.

Feeling hormonal and tetchy at the moment and I wonder if that is playing a part in his wobble. All in all things aren't too bad which is a refreshing change from what has become normal.

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LilyTheSavage · 29/11/2014 06:51

Hi Mojito. I'm sitting in bed with a mug of tea and I thought of you and your DS2 and wondered how you were doing..... opened my laptop to find an update. Hurrah for 3 days of school to go and a huge hurrah for him managing so brilliantly this term.

How interesting that you notice a slight change in his behaviour and you think it's a reflection of how you're feeling. Would it be worth keeping a diary of your feelings and emotions with a note about his behaviour? I don't mean a great long essay, but merely a word or two in adjacent columns for comparison. I know what you mean about tiredness. I've been shattered this week and sometimes I could have just grizzled like a toddler.

What do you have planned for Christmas?

Mojito100 · 03/12/2014 04:51

Woohoo. I can't believe it. DS2 made it all the way through term without being suspended. I can not tell you how proud I am of him.

On another note I am also feeling sad at buying Christmas gifts and not being able to by for DD. It just tugs at your heart strings.

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LilyTheSavage · 03/12/2014 13:55

HURRAH HURRAH HURRAH for DS2. Hasn't he done brilliantly. Your pride shines through.

I get totally what you mean about buying Christmas gifts but not for all your babies. I'm there with that one. Not easy.

HURRAH HURRAH HURRAH (Can you tell how pleased I am for you both?)

LilyTheSavage · 13/12/2014 07:15

Morning Mojito.

Just checking in. How're you doing? Are you loving the boys not being in school? You can just relax for a while.

Sending you love and strength. xxx

Mojito100 · 13/12/2014 14:10

Hi Lily, was thinking of you and Paddy today. Raised my coffee cup to him while I was sitting on the couch doing tapestry and taking it easy. It's my meditation.

I am loving the holidays. One more week of work then I have two weeks off. Ds2 is just a dream at the moment. I don't tend to give him a Ritalin if he is home with me as he manages in this environment without it. He's such a joy bouncing on the trampoline and full of hugs for me.

I really think the anti-d's are making such a difference to all of our lives as everything is as perfect as it can be. So much love from DS1 and DS2. I am so lucky to have them with me and cherish them so much.

I am taking my niece with me to the cemetery on Christmas eve. I love the idea of lighting a candle for DD. My sister-in-law (she was an ex but I adored her always and remained close) passed away suddenly nearly 2 years ago my niece handles this loss in the same way I handle mine. Her mums grave is not too far from DD and she is happy I said I was going and she will come with me.

I hope you are ok at the moment. It's tough I know.

I had a call about the coroner potentially holding an inquest into DD's passing so will find out more and update you.

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LilyTheSavage · 14/12/2014 11:45

Your lovely post made me . I'm so pleased to hear you in such great form. Enjoy these precious times. It's great that you have recognised and found something that will help you to help DS2 make such a difference. Sooner or later his behaviour could become "the norm" or "habit".

I'm glad you like the candle idea and am really happy to share it with you. I'll think of you and your DD when we're in the churchyard late on Christmas Eve.

Let me know about the inquest if you feel you can.

Thinking of you very often. XXX

Mojito100 · 20/12/2014 22:20

Still managing ok at the moment.

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LilyTheSavage · 21/12/2014 10:22

Glad you're managing. I'm very up and down at the moment and am finding it tough.

Hope you've got lots of lovely stuff planned for your boys. XX

Mojito100 · 22/12/2014 22:04

Had a sad day late yesterday. Had to buy a new BBQ as mine has finally given up the ghost. Put the new one together and then realised I needed to get rid of the old one. As silly as this sounds I had the old one when DD was alive so it is something else I now have to get rid of that has memories of her attached to it. It's the silly things like this that really hit you as it's another little reminder of them not being here, you aren't able to make new memories with them and that life is continuing to move forward when all you want is to go back to when they were alive.

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LilyTheSavage · 22/12/2014 22:51

Not silly things at all. It's funny how the most obscure things can trigger memories and provoke an avalanche of tears or laughter and sometimes both.

Sending you love.

Mojito100 · 24/12/2014 13:31

Lit a candle for my beautiful DD today and feel content having done so. Naturally wishing she was here with me. Will hold her close in my thoughts tonight as I drift off to sleep.

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LilyTheSavage · 24/12/2014 14:06

I will think of you and your darling DD when we light our candles tonight by Paddy's grave. I am going to make a big and beautiful flower arrangement to take as well and I shall put in a spring of lilies with her name in my heart. Sweet dreams. xxx

LilyTheSavage · 25/12/2014 01:11

I lit a candle and thought of you and your DD and the boys.

Hoping you have a peaceful Christmas. Much love.

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