Loss, love and lack of support

[Mojito100]

I'm not sure truly where this post should go. It was the anniversary of my daughters passing last week. She has been gone 5 long years which is now longer than she graced me with her presence. It is her birthday next week and as others in this forum would understand I get up and go on each day but underneath I am dead and purely executing the emotions expected if me. I have cried and cried until I think there are no more tears until the next bout come. I madly love my two DS's yet one has such significant behavioural problems I feel completely alone and unsupported. I am a sole parent and the kids have no acces to their father. My family are great but don't understand my ds or all that I try to do to help him. The school do their best yet have an archaic mindset. I needed to vent and didn't know where else to go. It's one of those times I feel so helpless and just want someone to help carry this burden. How do you help those you love to breaking point and love those you have lost so tragically. I know I will get up tomorrow and put on the mask yet how do I go on now when I can't stop the flood of feelings.

Well, again I have taken quite some time off this post. We near the end of the school year here and DS2 has only 1 week left. He had a couple of wobbles this term but like you say Lily they were wobbles and just that. We all wobble and we all get back on with things. He truly has had an amazing year and I will be ensuring there is an especially wonderful surprise for him in recognition of how wonderful his year has been. I don't want it to get mixed up with Christmas so am not sure if I give it to him at the end of this year or actually before he starts school next year. I'm erring on the side of when he starts school next year so it is a reminder about expectations and encouragement about him continuing on the path he has had.

I got quite angry a few weeks ago and I realised that things have come full circle again from when I first started this post. When I first posted on here I remember feeling so incredibly down because of the loss of my beautiful DD and how I felt so unsupported from my father as he just couldn't understand my boys and the mental health issues that DS2 has. Well the same thing happened again a couple of weeks ago.

Whenever we are at family gatherings, we are a close family so this is quite a lot, he is always having a go at DS2 about absolutely everything but doesn't have a go at any of the other children that are present. He feels it is OK to pick on DS2 (he doesn't realise he is doing it). Anyway, a long story short he attended grandparents day at the school and as part of this they offer a morning tea to all the grandparents. He decided to tell me about how he was sitting at a table where one of the other families had a little 2 year old boy who was making quite a bit of noise and banging things around. If that was my DS2 he would have been hauled over the coals for it. Instead he tells me his response to the lady at the table was "leave him be, he's just being a kid and all is good". For some reason this really infuriated me and still does as it shows a clear lack of equality and fairness. Wow, I'm still pissed off just thinking about it now. I haven't said anything to my dad as that would be absolutely pointless. He won't change the way he is and if I open up that conversation then he will revert to his petulant ways and go on the attack and tell me all the things I do wrong as a parent and all the things that are wrong with DS2. I don't have the energy or inclination to participate in this sort of a debate when fundamentally it won't change.

We have a big birthday part for my dad in a week and I'm actually debating letting my boys stay home and not participate in it as I don't see why they should have to put up with being constantly bullied, berated and nagged at. The party will have a heap of kids there which he won't be able to cope with so this means he will target my two boys even more so.

Other than getting that off my chest I'm finding I'm not so down at the moment but again know that is purely due to the AD's. I have been back to see my doctor as I just can't shake this lethargy and think it may be the dosage of the tablet so I'm taking a smaller dose and hoping it still assists.

Hi Mojito
Hurrah for the end of the school year, and a massive HURRAH for DS2. He's had such a fantastic year (especially in comparison to last year). I think you're completely right to be giving him a special reward. I agree with you giving it to him before the start of the new year. You could tell him he's getting something special and let him enjoy the anticipation.

You've both done really well this year fighting demons and recognising the problems that you face together.

I think that your dad sounds like a complete knob and should be avoided at all costs. Of course you should protect DS2 from the bullying tosser. It sounds as if your dad has one standard of behaviour for some children and a completely different expectation from DS2. Outrageous. He should be thoroughly ashamed of himself, but I guess he'll never change. Do you have to go to the birthday party? I wouldn't want to be anywhere near my dad if he treated my children like that.

Keep taking the ADs. I really think that they don't fundamentally change anything - how could they? But they do take the edge of things and help you to keep on more of an even keel. You've seen just how good that's been for your darling boys.

I raised my coffee cup to you and your DD this morning. The fire is lit. The candles are lit and I'm going to have a glass of wine. Thinking of you and sending love.

It's funny isn't it, our family relationships. I love my dad and I know he feels the same. He is far from perfect and you are right he is a complete knob. He does so much for us but at the same time is completely useless. I do think it is best to keep my boys away from him as much as possible it's just not healthy for them at all.

Christmas Day will be another day of tension and it's enough just getting through it without DD but that's ok. I'll soldier on.

It's lovely to hear from you. I wish I was able to just pop in and sit quietly with you for company. Sometimes that's all you need isn't it. Always thinking of you lily.

Could you have Christmas Day just you and the boys? Why not do just what YOU and THEY want to do. No expectations from other people, no need to do things you'd rather not do, eat what you want, have a couple of glasses of wine without having to worry about driving. Let the boys play with their stuff without bullying or interference. Sounds good to me.

I wish we could just sit and drink that together. Always thinking of you too Mojito.

Sending you love on this chilly and rather damp morning. (((XXX)))

No hope of having Christmas without him. One of the best Christmases we had was when we were in New York. It really was lovely. We caught up with friends from my work and just chilled out. You have reminded me to plan another Christmas away.

Everyone piles around ours for an early breakfast and then the rest of the day is just for the boys and I so it's not too bad and certainly not all day.

At least contact with your dad is going to be limited. Start planning now for 2016 I think!

Well some good news to report. DS2 didn't have one of his tablets but also mastered the party yesterday with great aplomb. Luckily he stayed out of the way of my dad and vice versa so it was quite stress free for all of us. I suppose it's one of those times where you prepare for the worst and are fortunately met with a better scenario than you had planned for.

He really is growing up it is just so wonderful to see. DS1 is also the most amazing boy/man now. He spent quite a bit of time doing his own thing but towards the end of the party he integrated well with the adults and had some great conversations. I think he's moving out of the grunting stage with outsiders and really transforming. It is amazing to see. They both make me incredibly proud.

I did my best to hold things together through the speeches as they talked about my beautiful DD. Luckily they just touched on it rather than going into great detail so that allowed me to keep the mask in place which was good.

I'm starting to think more and more about what I want as a memorial to her at our house. It has been a thought in my mind for a long time now and is starting to come to the forefront of my thoughts. It will be something that means a lot to me but others won't necessarily know about or realise that is what it is. It will be something outside with either trees or flowers and water of some description and I'm keen to also have a little chair or bench where I can sit and reflect. I'll keep you posted.

That's great news Mojito. Phew! One to cross off the list. Well done DS2 and well done you . You must have been really anxious.

The boys are doing so well. I was/am always incredibly proud when I see my DSs interacting as adults with my friends and our family. Brings great joy.

You did really well to keep things together when they mentioned your DD. I think on balance, that she had to be mentioned. It would be more hurtful not to say her name and to almost pretend that she didn't ever exist.

Like the sound of your memorial to her. It sounds contemplative and private and rather lovely. Look forward to seeing what you do.

Sending love and congratulations.

Whew, I just don't quite know how to explain how I feel at the moment. It's that jumble of feelings with a high level of anxiety mixed in with love when I'm buying gifts for the boys and that holding back the floodgates of utter despair that adD isn't here.

I feel quite chaotic at the moment and jumping around between all the emotions. It's that roller coaster back again.

I feel like a fraud putting a smile on my face and making out all is lovely and festive at this time of the year. I just want to hide away.

That's it! It's the jumble of enjoying buying presents for the boys but still missing one more. That's exactly it.

Such a roller-coaster. How do we manage. Don't call yourself a fraud. You are an actress. How can you not give your DSs a lovely Christmas. If that means you paste the smile on your face you do it. You are an amazing mum.

Hide when they've gone to bed. Take the time to be gentle with yourself. Avoid fuckwits. Wear pyjamas. Drink hot chocolate.

I'm being as gentle as I can be. Taking all of your wonderful advice.

And I'm taking all your wonderful advice too. It's easier to dish it out than to follow it though. XXX

Dearest Mojito

Just thinking of you as you start yet another year without your precious DD. I shall raise a glass to you this evening. I also remembered her and said her name when I lit candles on Christmas Eve.

Sending you lots of love XXXX

An update on how things have been lately. I really feel like I have hibernated pretty much for the last 12 months or so. Work was just so crazy in 2015 that it really didn't allow time to think about or focus on much else.

2016 will be a calmer year, I hope. Interestingly enough I was away on holiday with my kids recently and stopped in at a little store I buy specialist soaps from. The lady there said to me as I was paying for them that she hoped I didn't mind but she had a message from the other side for me. She said "they" were telling her to let me know that I need to take time out for me at least every 8 weeks but where possible every six weeks and this meant taking time out from being a mum and just "being". She also gave me advice about work which was incredibly valuable.

I have never been to a clairvoyant before but honestly all she said made sense and I am taking it on board. Interestingly the last thing she said they were telling me was to not worry about my little one. Let him be as he will be fine. That's easier said than done, however, this year I am going to let him grow as he did in 2015 and step back as much as I can to let him blossom. I think this will be the hardest thing for me to achieve.

Whilst hibernating I have also done some sorting and clearing. I sorted out all of my recipes and cook books and am determined to make all of the ones I have earmarked over the year. I have got myself into gear and put in place a meal plan for this week with clear ideas for next week. I'm endeavouring to shop for only what I need rather than all the impulse buying I normally do and I am focussed on trying to conserve money as best I can.

All that said and done. This Friday brings another anniversary of my darling DD having passed away. I have a massage planned for the day. I feel resilient at the moment, although had a few tears the other night. I haven't cried in quite awhile and really think over the next month or so I will need to have a damn good sob to get the emotions out.

Oh yeah, I'm also endeavouring to reduce my medication. I'm trying not to take my anxiety medication and instead using some wonderful relaxing oils and continuing to try to mindfully meditate. This will be an ongoing journey as I'm really not too good at it. I'm finding this is working in place of the medication. I've reduced my AD's so now I'm not constantly lethargic and also trying my absolute best not to take sleeping tablets. This may be a longer process than the others.

So, to my darling DD. I miss you every day. I love you as much today as the very first moment you were put into my arms. I wish you were here with me. You are due to turn 12 soon. I just can't imagine how you would be at 12. Your loss continues to ache inside of me.

Sending you lots of love mojito,and the strength for all your plans. Xx

Thanks Jen. I'm about to check in on your page. I have been absent for so long it's time to get back in touch.

7 years today you have now been gone my beautiful girl. I miss you every single day. You are always in my thoughts. You were taken from all of us through no fault if your own and suffered so needlessly. I wish I could have saved you and I'm sorry every day. I love you and always will.

Thinking of you and your darling children, sending love, and hugs Mojito xxx

Thinking of you as always and send love and hugs my dear friend.

I shall light candles tonight and raise a glass to your darling girl.

Happy birthday beautiful girl. Thursday was the day. The boys and I remembered you. You never left my mind all day. I couldn't help but feel your hand holding mine as it used to. I love you.

I was thinking of you too.

I thought I was stronger this year. More organised and trying to control my emotions. What a farce of a thought that was. It hurts today as much as it hurt the day she passed.

She would be in high school this year. She missed the first day of school and now so much time has passed she has missed all of primary school.

I want to hit out at someone or something. I feel unusually angry at all she has missed. It sounds like whining but it isn't fair.

Why do you think you need to be strong, more organised and more controlled? Allow yourself the luxury of mourning your darling girl.

It's so tough seeing their friends passing all the milestones and one person missing.

Try kickboxing - I am trying it now and whacking three shades of hell out of a punchbag is really therapeutic. XXXX

Kickboxing sounds like just what I need at the moment. I'll look into it.