Loss, love and lack of support

[Mojito100]

I'm not sure truly where this post should go. It was the anniversary of my daughters passing last week. She has been gone 5 long years which is now longer than she graced me with her presence. It is her birthday next week and as others in this forum would understand I get up and go on each day but underneath I am dead and purely executing the emotions expected if me. I have cried and cried until I think there are no more tears until the next bout come. I madly love my two DS's yet one has such significant behavioural problems I feel completely alone and unsupported. I am a sole parent and the kids have no acces to their father. My family are great but don't understand my ds or all that I try to do to help him. The school do their best yet have an archaic mindset. I needed to vent and didn't know where else to go. It's one of those times I feel so helpless and just want someone to help carry this burden. How do you help those you love to breaking point and love those you have lost so tragically. I know I will get up tomorrow and put on the mask yet how do I go on now when I can't stop the flood of feelings.

All these days that our precious children aren't here with children aren't here with us. How it hurts. How wrong it is.

Sending you love and and

It's been a big week. I finally went to the doctors as the anxiety I have been feeling was getting worse. I have some tablets now which seem to be helping already so hopefully that helps ease things. Missing my darling girl every day.

Well done for going. I hope it helps you to keep calm in the coming weeks. I know it will be a tough time.
Just raising a glass of wine to you and your darling DD. Sod the coffee it's time for wine.
Sending you love. XXX

Tablets are working which is good. Anxiety is being masked. Checking in as I need to revisit some of the work I did with CAMHS as DS2 and I have had a couple of days where we aren't in sync. I think it is due to upcoming activity and me needing space for myself but that doesn't help him. A bit of focus on him will help.

Hi Mojito.

You and DS2 have done so brilliantly the last few months that you're bound to need to do a little bit of re-calibrating and re-adjusting occasionally. I'm glad the tablets are helping with the anxiety and that this will help you to help him.

You're doing wonderfully. Maybe revising the work you did with CAMHS would help you to keep focussed in the same direction you were. I don't think I've expressed myself very well there.

Sending you love XXX

Sending you love and thanks mojito xxxx

Just need an outlet today so sharing here. Feel like a complete basket case today even with the anxiety and anti-d tablets. Would like to hide from the world and be alone. Instead taking kids to a play today with cousins too. It's school holidays for us. I'll get through just like normal - as we all do but feeling quite crappy today.

Shall I make you a coffee? I could join you under the table if that's where you're hiding out? I sometimes think I'm going mad and it helps to know that I'm "only" grieving. I do wonder if we'll ever be able to function normally again.

Hope the boys have a good time with their cousins.

The day turned out beautifully. No hiding under the table for me but I did manage to put myself to bed in the afternoon for a nap which helped.

It's a new normal we all have now. It's not really normal though just a shitty way of gritting your teeth and getting through each day as it comes.

I'll take that coffee and a sunny bench overlooking your beautiful garden Lily. I think the sun in my face and birds in the garden is just the quiet time required.

Coffee and sunny bench available here. (If the sunny bench is rainy we can make a fire in the kitchen wood burner).

I haven't posted for awhile. The whirlwind of the inquest and the business of day to day life has meant I really haven't had time to regroup. I had one of those nights yesterday where the loss just overwhelmed me. I had a good cry which does help. I feel I little more settled today.

In fairness I remain on edge with high anxiety at the moment but I don't have the time or energy to unpick why this is.

Missing you my darling girl always.

Sometimes the busy-ness of our day to day lives overtakes us and doesn't give us time to think. It all becomes too much and then it's just overwhelming.

Sit and have coffee and eat cake and think of yourself for a wee while. Be gentle with yourself.

Sending you love.

Having felt flat and alone today I'm about to put the mask on and attend an event tonight. Each time it goes on it just delays The inevitable when the black hole appears again and swallows you up. I need time alone but don't want it for the horrible depth of feelings that will wash over me. Sometimes I just don't know if I'm strong enough to endure all that comes with the loss of my DD.

It's all so mixed up mojito, it's cruel scary and overwhelming. You are strong enough, and you give us all that strength and encouragement when you talk to us on our threads. I hope your mask worked for your event. Sending you love and hugs and hoping tomorrow is an easier day xx

Thank you. Jen. I have posted a few times lateky but haven't been on and checked in on your thread. I will do that soon. The event was lovely and the mask worked fine. Being on a sunny lazy morning where I can toast paddy, Dave and my darling DD. I'm baking tomorrow which must be a stress reliever as I feel like I can't do anything until that is done. I'm making strawberry scones so will have one for morning tea and think of you all.

I hope that the event went ok. You are very strong and the mask you wear is great. Jen said to give yourself some of the strength and encouragement that you send to us..... I echo that too. (Mind you, what jen and I post can usually be completely interchanged, but I guess you've realised that by now).

I'm heading for bed now after a very busy day. I've had a very dear friend staying for the week and it's keeping me so busy that I don't have time to think. I'm anticipating a crash on Tuesday when she goes. I'll be raising my coffee cup to our darling babies in the morning.

Sleep well dear Mojito and dear jen XXX

Well it's been a rollercoaster of emotions the last week. Still feeling sad and empty with the loss of DD. there is nothing that can be done about it I know. Expecting to have a few more years before the weekend is over. Sometimes life is just plain shitty.

Hi Mojito.

I have my cup of coffee here and I"m thinking of you and your darling girl and all our babies (big and small). I hope things have calmed down and you're feeling more peaceful again. I guess you're right and everything is always going to be up and down.

Sending you love XXXX

I haven't been for awhile. Sometimes it's just too hard and other times life passes all to quickly. Had a few tears last night but not the sort that completely shake you to the core. Missing my DD just creeps up on me and then wallops me fair in the back of the head some days. The boys are good. Hoping for another year for DS2 like he has had this year.

Just got back to the UK and made a coffee and straight away raised my cup to you and your DD. It's raining and miserable. My mood matches the weather today.

Grief is a strange beast. Sometimes gut wrenching and all encompassing and knocks you over, sometimes just in the background nagging away, and sometimes just catches you unawares and comes over in waves and then goes away again. I wonder if we'll ever get used to it.

I just wanted to check in with you and send a hug.

I too have got up this morning and my first priority was to make a coffee and sit in my chair thinking of you, Paddy, Dave and DD. It feels like the first time in ages the merry go round has slowed down enough for me to breath.

Things are good here and my grief is just niggling at the back. I think today will be a lazy day just spent being close to the boys and remembering how lucky I am to have them.

Morning Mojito
I'm glad that you're feeling as if things are slightly more under control. Maybe that will help you to feel calmer. I know I feel calmer when I'm on top of all the niff-naff and trivia and shite of everyday life. I like to be organised and in control. Being disorganised makes me agitated!

Counting blessings is hard.

I had time on the weekend to sit and think of all our loved ones. It certainly does help having that time carved out of the day and not the incessant pressure of life intruding at every opportunity.

After Ds2 having the most amazing year the wheels finally fell off this week. It certainly wasn't horrendous but enough for me to have to get him from school. His emotions seem heightened at the moment and his bossy and stubborn streak is on full display. Ds1 remains a self contained rock not willing to let anyone get a glimpse of what he is thinking or feeling.

No matter how things go I do remember how lucky I am to have my two boys and I take great joy in being with them.

Hi Mojito

I've only just seen this. Sorry.

DS2 has had a fantastic year and it's not really to be surprised that he couldn't keep it up for ever. You knew that he would have a wobble sooner or later. I think that he should be congratulated for his amazing achievement and the wobble dismissed as just that. It's ok to wobble. It's also ok to get back on with things. My DS1 is also a self-contained rock and doesn't really show emotion or talk about his brother (but that's another topic). Do you worry about that?

Your boys are lucky to have you too. Don't forget that!