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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Walking together on a journey - sharing experiences, tears, anger and sometimes even laughter. United we stand, divided we fall.

972 replies

shabbatheGreek · 23/07/2013 10:10

This special thread was started in 2008. Its a special place - one which nobody would ever willingly come to. I hope we pay tribute to our lost children by helping each other. xxxx

OP posts:
shabbs · 05/04/2014 12:30

I came home and told Mum and she said 'Oh bloody hell!!' - that was it - no tears or questions. Poor old lady - it is their 60th wedding anniversary in August xx

My5boysandme · 05/04/2014 20:36

Shabbs so very sorry to hear of your dad's passing xx

HeavenlyE · 06/04/2014 09:28

Shabbs so sorry to hear about your dad passing away. How lovely that he was able to give you the message that he loved you. Hope your mum is ok -does she understand what has happened? Is she staying with you permanently now?

shabbs · 06/04/2014 10:17

She doesnt know whats going on but she says she feels poorly and 'peed off.' I hope this does not sound horrible because I adore my Mam. I cant have her living with me permenantly - we have a two up, two down kind of terraced house - its a big house but me and Mam are sleeping downstairs because I am terrified that she will fall down the stairs if we are up there. She wanders around at night, talks to herself all night and is generally unsettled. I am trying to get her into a nursing home that is almost opposite my house. I take my hat off to carers and medical staff because I am finding this very hard. I also cant cry in front of her because I dont want to distress her.....

frasersmummy · 06/04/2014 11:05

sending you love and strength shabs....

HeavenlyE · 06/04/2014 14:15

It sounds very stressful for you. I agree that your mum with her medical needs would be best looked after by qualified nursing staff. The nursing home opposite your house sounds ideally located, hope you are able to get her a place.

LilyTheSavage · 06/04/2014 15:43

As you say, the place opposite sounds idea and you'd be perfectly placed for visiting her. So difficult for you.
Keep her safe and remember to look after yourself too. Cake or Wine

thedaymylifestoodstill · 06/04/2014 20:20

I do hope you are able to get all the assistance you need for your mum, Shabbs, and for her to be near to you.

What a lot you've got to deal with at the moment :(. Sending you love xxx

shabbs · 06/04/2014 22:51

Have contacted the nursing home - or at least thats what I thought it was - they only have independent elderly people in there - so thats not a choice. My brother has a wonderful choice a top of the range, very expensive nursing home almost next to his house - which just happens to be about a 30 minute drive from my home (and we dont drive) with very little public transport links. I swear now I will end up fighting with my brother. Right - chin up - smile pinned on - tomorrow is another day xx

lavandes · 06/04/2014 22:59

Sending love to you and your family Shabbs I am so sorry xxx

Mojito100 · 07/04/2014 17:02

Thinking of you today Shabbs.

shabbs · 07/04/2014 22:27

Thank you all so much for your support and lovely words I appreciate it more than I can say xxx

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 07/04/2014 22:47

Shabbs, how was today? It all just sounds really, really hard… xx

shabbs · 07/04/2014 23:48

today was ok - its all hard but we will get through it. i am looking forward to having mum settled somewhere so I get the chance to grieve properly xxx

LilyTheSavage · 08/04/2014 07:39

Just sending you a hug. xx

thedaymylifestoodstill · 08/04/2014 08:48

Morning all

Shabbs, same as Lily really. I know there's nothing we can say but we're here if you want to talk xxxx

damn · 08/04/2014 09:13

These threads gave me a lot of help with my brother just having a nose through. Im so sorry to hear about your dad shabs ( deleted my fb ages ago) thinking of u xx

Mojito100 · 09/04/2014 10:53

Shaba, here to listen to whatever you need. It feels so silly to say hope you are doing ok. It's such a monumental time in your life but I don't know what else to say that offers you support and any form if comfort. Anyway, take care of yourself and I hope others are also taking care of you.

shabbs · 09/04/2014 18:12

The social worker got my Mum a place in a nursing home today. Its a respite place minimum of 2 weeks which can be increased when necessary. Its about a 15 minute walk from me. Its not as posh as the place she will eventually be in but the staff are wonderful (one of them had a son in my Matts primary school class). When I came home she said 'Bye love, dont be late home from school tonight and make sure you visit me every day.' I walked home and sobbed all the way. I feel so disloyal.

lavandes · 09/04/2014 19:14

Hi Shabbs I know how difficult it was for you today. But take some comfort knowing your Mum will be safe. It is good that the staff are so good. Posh doesn't matter it is the staff that will look after her that are important. I used to go and see my Mum a lot but I didn't have a regular routine so they didn't know when I would turn up. You have so much to deal with at the moment but you must take your own advice and take one day at a time and don't forget to breathe. I will be thinking of you and send lots love to you and yours xxx

Mojito100 · 10/04/2014 09:56

Shabs, you have so much to deal with and it is all so different and hard. I hope you find time for yourself to grieve both the passing of your beloved dad but also the changes in your mums life which mean even more changes for you and what you have known for so long.

Mojito100 · 10/04/2014 09:58

Theday, I just wanted to say I am thinking of you too. Things have been hard for you lately and I know you are supporting others as well. I wanted you to know you are in my thoughts and I hope are managing as best you can. I think it is always hard and then the level just varies depending on a variety if factors.

LilyTheSavage · 10/04/2014 16:21

It's not disloyal at all Shabbs. You can only do as much as you can do, and at least you know that your Mum is safe and cared for. If you wear yourself out you wouldn't be able to look after her at all. Caring staff are the most important thing I guess and you know that she's looked after.

Just thinking of you all as well. Today is a hard day for me as it's eight months since my darling boy died. Yet another 10th of the month.

thedaymylifestoodstill · 10/04/2014 21:00

Hi Shabbs

I am glad your mum has been found a place in a home. How was she today? Although I have never been in your situation, I do remember very well how much guilt my mum felt when she had to re-home my gran into a nursing home. I remember the mass of emotions. You also need help though and like you said the chance to grieve your dad. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I was thinking of you this morning, all of us in fact actually, when I was out and about and saw life going on, people enjoying the sunshine. I was looking at them thinking, it's so strange that they all look ok, whilst in the meantime Shabb's dad has died and there's a family there going through turmoil and there's a group of us bereaved parents trudging through the days. Makes my mind hurt a bit.

Mojito, thank you for your kind words. I'm touched you were thinking of me, I'm tunnelling through I guess. It has been a very emotional few weeks culminating in me turning into a sobbing mess on Monday, listening to the music we played at the funeral. We have lots of positive things happening this year, but I just can't seem to be excited about any of them. It's not even been a year and I keep thinking why should I try and enjoy myself after my child has died? However, I also realise that I will feel sad about this forever and I can't live in a shell (as much as I would like to). Strange times :(

Lily. I know the feeling. All I keep thinking about is the 1st anniversary which is still a few months away. I hate certain days of the week, certain days of the month.....

Hello to everyone else, I think of you all regularly (really, I do) xxx

thedaymylifestoodstill · 10/04/2014 21:13

:( I've just seen another thread with another mum and family who has lost a little girl.

It's too unfair and awful to comprehend