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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Walking together on a journey - sharing experiences, tears, anger and sometimes even laughter. United we stand, divided we fall.

972 replies

shabbatheGreek · 23/07/2013 10:10

This special thread was started in 2008. Its a special place - one which nobody would ever willingly come to. I hope we pay tribute to our lost children by helping each other. xxxx

OP posts:
shabbs · 01/04/2014 21:31

Yesterday I was having a nosey on FBook. A good friend (her Mum and mine are life long friends) who I havent seen for well over 20 years posted a picture. I spotted it and thought - that looks just like my boys headstone. When I clicked onto it - it was!!! She had gone to the cemetery and seen my lads grave. The lovely lady had gone and got flowers and put them on. I sat here just smiling and crying at the same time. How could words thank someone? I admitted to her that it made me cry and smile. She too lost a little baby boy to cot death many, many years ago. x

shabbs · 03/04/2014 12:25

Morning girls xx

My Dad is in hospital Sad carers said he was unresponsive last night at tea time and they got the ambulance for him. Stayed with my Mum at hers last night - was very hard work as she has Alzheimers. Hope Dad can come home soon xx

LilyTheSavage · 03/04/2014 14:07

Hi shabbs. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. Let's hope he mends very soon.
Sending you love and strength. xx

thedaymylifestoodstill · 03/04/2014 18:18

Hi Shabbs

Ditto to what Lily said. I'm so sorry. How is he this evening? How is your mum? Big un-mumsnetty hugs to you all.

Hello to everyone else.

I have to say I'm struggling very much at the moment. The mask is killing me and I feel like I'm stumbling and can't stand up. I feel like I don't want to do this but I know I've got other dc who need me. I'm so tired of it all. Really. I will miss my child for the rest of my life. How can I handle that?

Goodness I even depress myself reading that. I'm sorry, I know I'm no different to any other parent who has lost a child but some days the pain. I feel like I'm being weak by admitting to feeling like this but at the moment it just feels bigger than me.

Hugs all round xx

frasersmummy · 03/04/2014 21:02

oh shabs that's awful...how is dad

LilyTheSavage · 03/04/2014 21:27

Hi theday

I'm sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed. I feel like that too sometimes. I'm brilliant at putting on that mask, but sometimes it's just too heavy to wear every day. Be gentle with yourself, and it's ok if your other dc know that you're sad. Show them how you're sad too. It's ok to do whatever you need. Have you got a good friend who could just take over and help you out sometimes? Do you have a supportive partner? I'm very lucky, my DH works abroad but he's very supportive emotionally and our other two DSs are 24 and 20.

Some days are just awful. Be kind to yourself and don't try to take on the whole world on your own. XX

LilyTheSavage · 03/04/2014 21:27

shabbs

Hope your dad is on the mend and that it's not too tough looking after your mum. Look after yourself. Wine - I expect you need it! XX

shabbs · 03/04/2014 21:45

Dad is coming home tomorrow.

Mum is staying at mine tonight after a difficult night with me sleeping at hers last night.

Dont want her upstairs at mine as she is unfamiliar and very bad at climbing the stairs....she is tucked up on our very big sofa....Tom has donated his quilt with his New York skyline on it. LOL. She has been fast asleep for half an hour. Im sat in the dark with the telly off listening to her snoring.

I need to go to my friends house and get more drunk than I ever have done before Grin

LilyTheSavage · 04/04/2014 08:55

Glad your dad is coming home shabbs. You need copious amounts of alcohol to cope with everything. Maybe chocolate as well? Grin

Mojito100 · 04/04/2014 18:21

Glad your dad is coming home Shabbs. It's sounds like it's been pretty full on for you.

Theday, take care. I know what you mean about missing your child. The feeling is so raw you just can't explain it and it overwhelms you. We are here for you. Some days are just do hard even breathing is such an effort.

Hugs to you all for all the challenges you are dealing with.

shabbs · 04/04/2014 20:09

Things have gone downhill today Sad Doctor thinks he is nearing the end and they have asked myself and my brother about resusitation - we both said no to that idea.

My two lads, myself, hubby, mum, and my nephew and his wife have all been tonight and my Dad is being violently sick and really has rapidly declined today.

When we went in he didnt seem concious - i went to hold his hand and he grabbed my hand very hard - he motioned to me (pointed to himself) I (pointed to his heart) love and then pointed at me.

Please god IF you exist take my dad very soon - he does not deserve this bastard cancer. My Gareth & Matt will be waiting for their grandad - what a joyous reunion that will be xxx

thedaymylifestoodstill · 04/04/2014 20:46

Shabbs
I am so so sorry to read about your dad, it is so ridiculously unfair and awful. Cancer is just evil. Completely evil.
It made me tear up thinking about him pointing that he loved you.

My thoughts are with you all. I'm so sorry xxxxxxxxx

shabbs · 04/04/2014 21:25

Thank you....this will sound strange but I want him to pass in his sleep and tonight - and I want my Mum to pass soon to be with him. They will have been married 60 years in August and to think of them parted breaks my heart in two. Mum is living with us - she is fast asleep on my big settee - talking away and shouting for her Mum to come and help her. I think she has also had 'an accident' so I am going to have to wake her and bath her if she has. Poor lady - her Alzheimers is stealing her away from me. I keep imagining my boys Gareth & Matt waiting to see their beloved grandparents again. xxx

thedaymylifestoodstill · 04/04/2014 21:35

I don't think it sounds strange, in fact I think it sounds perfectly loving of you.

Aging is cruel and unfair. I 'hope' (I'm sorry that's not the right word) he can pass as peacefully as possible.

I remember when my gran was getting older and became incontinent and so frail, all dignity taken away from someone who was once quite a character, raised children, worked hard, lived through tough times. Not fair.

How are you, Shabbs? I know that's a stupid question but you are dealing with so much. Are your family helping you out? xxxx

LilyTheSavage · 04/04/2014 22:10

Dear shabbs. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad, and I understand completely about your wishes for him to have a peaceful passing. He should be so lucky.
Having to care for your mother like that is so hard for you. I hope you'll be able to get some help.
Please be gentle with yourself.
Thinking of you and sending you hugs. XXX

shabbs · 04/04/2014 22:24

The only 'down side' of my family is that there is only me to look after Mum.......my parents grandsons (except Tom) both have their own very young families.....my brother is in a one bedroomed house miles away and works full time. I love my mum dearly but it is a 24 hour job to look after someone with alzheimers. I have missed my best friend tonight....always go to her house on Fridays - we drink too much and put the world to rights. She has been texting me but I have missed her dearly xx

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 04/04/2014 23:17

Ah, Shabba, another friend here sending you love, and wishing for a peaceful night for both your parents. Xx

chipmonkey · 05/04/2014 00:48

Oh shabs xx I know exactly what you mean. You want your Dad to have a lovely peaceful end, not the mockery cancer makes of life. I know your boys will be waiting for him and what a laugh they'll all have together when he finally crosses over. Whatever about God, your boys will definitely be there! Much love to you, shabs xx

Mojito100 · 05/04/2014 04:47

Shabbs, I am with you and the other ladies here. May your dad pass peacefully and rejoice when he is with your 2 boys. How beautiful he was to tell you he loved you. That will be a memory you will carry forever.

Caring for another is incredibly draining and Alzheimer's adds more to that dimension with the stress, worry and physical caring sides too. Hope you are doing the bestto care for yourself Enjoy your next drink with your BF. You deserve it.

thedaymylifestoodstill · 05/04/2014 07:27

Morning Shabbs

Thinking of you all xxxxxxxxx

shabbs · 05/04/2014 10:25

My precious Dad passed away just after 9am this morning - myself and my brother were both with him. xxx

Mojito100 · 05/04/2014 11:29

Shabbs, My thoughts are with you and your family. RIP

thedaymylifestoodstill · 05/04/2014 11:34

Shabbs
I'm so sorry. Sending love to you and all your family. My thoughts are with you all.
Xxxxx

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 05/04/2014 12:13

Shabba, sending you love. So much love. I hope your Mum isn't too confused and distressed by your dad's passing. xxx

LilyTheSavage · 05/04/2014 12:23

Sending you love shabbs. Hope you and your family are ok. I hope especially that your mum isn't too confused and distressed. XXX

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