Walking together on a journey - sharing experiences, tears, anger and sometimes even laughter. United we stand, divided we fall.

[shabbatheGreek]

This special thread was started in 2008. Its a special place - one which nobody would ever willingly come to. I hope we pay tribute to our lost children by helping each other. xxxx

Morning girls xx

So there's hope then shabbs.

There is always hope xxx

hi everyone im still here thinkiing of you all

im just the same up and down
been having alot of these zoning out sessions where i just cannot concentrate, i lose tracvk of what someones saying then i have no idea of what they have said, i do wonder if i will always get these zoning out moments, how will i ever return to work at some point if i can even follow a simple conversation!

tonight in the supermarket, someone was chatting to me about ds2[she was in front of me at the checkout, so no escaping]
saying what a nice face he has and how smiliey he is, what a nice name he has, and lots of lovely compliments
i spend the whole conversation thinking dont ask dont ask
dont ask me how many children ive got

i feel its a no win question
if i say well hes my third but my second died, then i feel the whiole atmosphere changes and sometimes i just cant handle it
yet if i say two.
i feel guilty sometimes for days

and then even like tonight i wasnt asked the dreaded question, yet feel on edge as i was expecting it at anymoment

still feeling the pressure to move on from others, which is actually setting me back really

feel sad i only spent such a short time with ds
its sad to not have years of memories with and about him
and to not be able to share with others old remember when he did this or said that

im kinda going this weird thing at the moment where i try to block it all out for a while, its not really working
and its actually making me burst into tears at the worse times as im not really letting it out at a safe time
ie home alone

anyway these are all just the ponderings of my mind
no point or purpose to them, its just what goes round and round my head so good to unload

Diamond - over the years I have learnt to 'go with the flow.' If people ask me I always say I have been totally blessed with four sons but two of them have died.......the conversation sometimes stops there and other times goes on and on.

The death of a child (no matter what age) makes no sense - its disgusting, awful and so hard to deal with.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other and dont forget to breathe - priceless advice I was first given over 30 years ago xxxxxxxxxx

Diamond, I second what Shabbs has said. I was told to just put one foot in front of the other and it did help. I'm not sure why but for some reason I hung onto that phrase. There are those times of utter despair where you wonder if you actually can put one foot in front of the other but somehow we all manage. In its own way I find it amazing that so many who have lost loved ones so dear to them do keep going on. It's a testament to them as individuals.

Shabbs, I like how you phrase having been blessed with four sons. I have never known how to answer that question and think it is so true and perfect what you have said. I'm going to borrow that phrase going forward.

Morning girls xx

Thanks for listening
just got to keep taking it day by day I think

Day by day is the key. Some days are just so much harder than others.

Morning Shabbs.

Morning girls xx

The sun is finally shinning up here in Lancashire

Morning all. Sun is shining where I am too, both physically and internally (finally I feel I have some semblance of resilience back). It may slip again but life doesn't seem quite so overwhelming as the last month or so.

Morning all

Shabbs, thank you for your words of encouragement. They meant a lot, truly xxxx

Hello to everyone else. I've been thinking of you all at the weekend. The sun is shining here, too. I like the sun, but it also brings back many memories from a time I can't ever get back. And it hurts.

Any of you go through numb phases where you know what's happened has happened, but you 'just get on with it' (life)?

xx

Theday, I think my numb phases are all the times when I'm not down, or as I say "fallen in a hole". I do get on with life, have a laugh and love being with my DS's but at the same time that true enjoyment isn't there. I think it's from being touched by such tragedy your perspective on life changes so much. Sometimes functioning on auto pilot is also just what I need.

evening all

sometimes i feel numb,
just lately been starting to feel more angry
sometimes i feel its sureal
sometimes i feel its all too real

anyone else do the trying to block it all out for a while, to it hitting you full force

i can understand why people do crazy stuff like getting into massive debt with shopping etc,or say drinking too much as its like anything to escape if only for a vvvshort time

Diamond, I definitely do the blocking out. 5 years later I'm finally thinking about facing up yo all I have buried. I'm going to attempt it with my psych but not truly convinced I will have the courage required. It's definitely going to be a long road but I'm on it and I even though I will stumble I will see it through.

I'm not a massive shopper, however, I do have those periods where I block it all out and spend money like crazy only to look back and know it was another avoidance mechanism. I agree how easy to go into debt or become addicted to something Ina situation like ours. Thinking about the horror of our situation is a lot to carry.

Take care of yourself it seems to be a rough patch for you.

Morning all
Hope everyone is erm... I don't know what word to use, so I will say hello instead!
Thanks for your replied about the numbness, makes sense.

Hi to Diamond, I saw your reply on your thread, I will post back I'm not on my PC at the mo so a bit difficult.

Struggling, struggling, struggling at the moment. Hating the mask. But I've got to put it in again :(

mo, thanks
feel fairly ok today and full of how am i going to make my family the happiest and most secure it can possibly be
and how am i going to make new poisitive memories

but this is probably the up before the down!

up and down upand down

hey day, i know what you mean about the mask.
weighs a ton yet you sometimes well often need to wear it

'Elanor Rigby picks up the face that she keeps in a jar by the door, who is it for?' Many thanks to the Beatles for that song. I think we are all Elanor Rigby - we all keep our 'outside' face close to the front door and put it on before we go out!!

Morning girls xx

Morning.

Hope you succeeded in your plan for yesterday diamond.

Eleanor rugby we are. Maybe that's who our oscar is awarded to and when the name is called out we all head up to the stage.

Had a good day today but just had a small moment of tears when I was thinking about my life and a place we lived before DD passed away. I had that feeling from memories that is just so vivid and even though she wasn't in the memory as such my desire to be back in that place took me straight to her.

Sometimes you're just completely caught off guard.

Morning girls xx Cant sleep!!

Lots on your mind Shabbs?

The 'world and his wife' are trampling about in my mind too much going on with every single part of my life.....but, will work through it - somehow. xx

Morning girls xx

Morning.

Thinking if you all.