Cruel comments from mn'er

[jco]

There is a thread in the parenting section about being dissapointed with the sex of your child. As i lost a baby last summer i posted a message saying that we should really be grateful to have live healthy babys regardless of the sex and mentioned that i had lost a baby, below is the reply i got from one mn'er

"Oh bloody hell, why do people on MN have to get on a high horse about this? I WAS disappointed that DS2 wasn't a girl. I don't see what is wrong with having a preference as long as it doesn't ultimately affect your relationship with said child. It does not mean I love him any less or that I'm an ungrateful undeserving mother who should be glad that the creature was even born alive.

PARPS off."

Why are some people so cruel and insensitive. I lost my baby fgs!! this has really upset me, do some people have no compassion at all!?

Message withdrawn

Jco my sympathy to you, and best wishes, hope you get through this.

my sympathies, jco. i lost a much-wanted child at 10 weeks, baby had died at 8 weeks. and altho my partner, whom i loved very greatly, was there at the time, it tore us apart.

so sorry about your loss.

i agree, however, that i don't think zeb was being personal and also that, well, it is a public forum as well.

hope you find peace.

jco,sorry about your loss.ive lost two babies.havent read all the thread,but i know two families that have had 6 boys each.both the mums were obviously dissappointed to have not had girls the last time.but i think if its your first,then it doesnt really matter what the sex is.i was lucky to have a boy first,then two girls,a boy and then a girl.we are trying for baby number 6,and although i'd like another boy to balance it out (!!!) i dont care what i have (if im lucky enough to get pregnant again) just as long as it is a healthy baby (my last dd has cf)

Agree - jco didn't name zebra. Sorry for your loss jco and hope you can get through this in time. I also heard that SANDS is very supportive.

JCO I feel for you, I lost a baby at 22 weeks in july04. I was devastated as were my husband daughter and family. It still hurts now as badly as at first though not quite as often. Do not be hurt by some of the insensitive comments running through this thread. You will have times where any little comment feels very personal. Also don't expect that you will feel better as time passes, it took me 6 months to finally crack enough to have to take time off work. If your friends are true friends they will not mind being a shoulder to cry on. Just remember that upset as they probably were for you the feelings are not as intense for them as they are for you and they may need a little nudge sometimes to remind them that for you the pain has not gone away.
thinking of you

jco-i didnt read that thread as i lost a baby girl in october last year at 23 weeks, she would have been due this month, i knew that as i was still raw, i would probably be upset by something on there, im so sorry that you have lost a baby too, i dont know the circumstances and its easier said than done, but please try not to let one posters comment upset you.

Jco, I hope you are getting some support. I know how hurtful throwaway comments can be - when I had 2 babies very close-looking in age all I got from even strangers was "you should be glad they're not twins". In fact my daughter was a twin but her other half died at 24 hours. I came to terms with it but started replying by telling those people or even shouting at them about their insensitivity. One woman actually cried. Hopefully she'll think before passing on a banal coment again.

Swedishmum I feel for you. I can't imagine the pain of losing one like that.
But I feel for the poor woman too who was only trying to make a friendly comment.

I just think we all need to be aware of how our throwaway comments can affect others. That's not to say we shouldn't post freely - I've done it myself without fully reading posts - but an apology is sometimes in order.

Here here

jco, you're not alone. i lost a baby at 10wks in'94 and i still think about her.somtimes people so insensitive that you soon find out who your real friends are. i'm still fairly new on here but i can see that loads of mners are genuine ladies and they've helped me loads. thanx again rhubarb x please don't think that everyone is as insensitive as that lady (((((((((hugs)))))))

You got a very caustic and insensitive response from that poster and I'm sorry that you have been so hurt by it.

That said (and I'm braving the brick bats) I'm not sure it is entirely constructive to post on a thread where someone is disappointed with the gender of their baby relating your own devastating experience as a kind of well meant reality check to tell them to pull themselves together (you may not have used those words but the sentiment is there).

All the very best though with coming to terms with your loss, I can't even begin to conceieve of the grief you must be dealing with

jco, I am a litte late coming to this thread, but wanted to say I am so sorry you lost your baby. I lost my first child too.I am sorry you were hurt by the comment on the other thread. I am sure you have been speaking to others but would like to say feel free to CAT me if you want to talk to anyone.

Hnadleme carefully, i understand your point, i made the post to try and put things in perspective, that the main thing is surely having a healthy baby rather than what sex it is. I think its very sad that anybody would be dissapointed over the sex over their baby and i wanted to make people see that they should realised how blessed they are instead of feeling sad that they didn't get the sex they wanted

jco, I'm sorry for your loss, and that you've been so upset here.

I think it's hard on mumsnet sometimes in all sorts of other contexts to resist the temptation to post a "thank your lucky stars" or "you think you've got problems" type post, but it isn't always very helpful.

Jco, am sorry I upset you, I'm sure what you have been thru was awful. What I wrote was in no way directed at you personally.

Not saying Jco was esp. doing this, but I felt it was the development of the thread. I just don't like it when my feelings get dismissed as trivial, too, they are my feelings, I'm entitled to them.

Actually my feelings do get quite hurt, lockets, I'm just stupid enough to keep coming back for more.

Given how unpopular I am on MN I'll try much harder not to contribute any more.

I find this kind of "isn't everyone else annoyed at this poster?" kind of thread (Blossomhill started one about me before, too) very disturbing, anyway. If most other people feel this kind of thread is appropriate, I know logically I shouldn't "be" here any more. Really feel I shouldn't participate in a culture that condones it.

I like you zebra.

zebra - you often make the posts that I want to. I think you're great.

jco - I'm very sorry for your loss, but that post was fair enough imo. If someone had posted similar on a thread you had started which was ABOUT your bereavement, then it would be a different thing. because as it goes, if we all remebered how lucky we are all the time, we'd never be able to moan about anything. and moaning is what mumsnet is all about.

zeb did oy notice my pathetic attmept to protect you
ia gree re those threads and yes bh has doen it to me too

ooh htis htred is starting to get like on
in fact i have had abput 0 slaggin em off threads even when i am not even online!

zebra, count me in as someone who doesn't like these kind of threads too, and please don't stop posting. I understand how hurt jco is, because I have been through the same thing, but I have never been offended by anything you have written. I think your posts are often very thought-provoking, and even if some people find them unpalatable there should be a place for them on MN.

I'm sure there have been more than 0, cod :o

imo
and you can all salg me

if oyu are really in deep bereavement for a loss thn perhaps a "general" mn thread is nto the place for you