Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Cruel comments from mn'er

195 replies

jco · 20/02/2006 19:55

There is a thread in the parenting section about being dissapointed with the sex of your child. As i lost a baby last summer i posted a message saying that we should really be grateful to have live healthy babys regardless of the sex and mentioned that i had lost a baby, below is the reply i got from one mn'er

"Oh bloody hell, why do people on MN have to get on a high horse about this? I WAS disappointed that DS2 wasn't a girl. I don't see what is wrong with having a preference as long as it doesn't ultimately affect your relationship with said child. It does not mean I love him any less or that I'm an ungrateful undeserving mother who should be glad that the creature was even born alive.

PARPS off."

Why are some people so cruel and insensitive. I lost my baby fgs!! this has really upset me, do some people have no compassion at all!?

OP posts:
lockets · 20/02/2006 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

goldstarlover · 20/02/2006 20:01

jco so sorry to hear about your loss
i didn't read the whole thread but i know you weren't the only one with that point of view

sorry you've been upset... some people don't seem to think at all before posting

mewart · 20/02/2006 20:02

jco i am quite new on here but just wanted to say i am really sorry for your loss, and from reading things on here people can be really quite nasty,

Potty1 · 20/02/2006 20:10

jco - so sorry for your loss and sad that you've been upset further.

I have already posted my own thoughts on the thread and won't be going back. IIRC previous threads on the subject have ended badly.

Original poster
jco · 20/02/2006 20:10

thankyou for your kind words guys, i am glad to say that i have had so much support from the lovely ladies who come on here. There have been days where i have desperatley needed to talk and there has always been somebody around on here to listen. I am slowly coming to terms with what happened but there is not a day that goes by when i don't grieve for my tiny baby. I was taken aback when i read her reply. I don't understand why some people have to be so cruel to others

OP posts:
welshboris · 20/02/2006 20:12

Im so so sorry for your loss jco, you will never forget your baby, other peoples cruel comments wont hinder on your memories x x

izzybiz · 20/02/2006 20:15

i read more than i post on MN, and quite a few people can be quite cutting with their comments sometimes. maybe they feel that because we cant see eachother they can say what they like.
please try not to let it get to you, its obviously a very insensitive person who, luckily for them has no experiance of losing a child.
maybe i am lucky, i have one of each, and i will admit that when told i was having a girl 2nd time i was pleased, but i would never have been disappointed, they are all precious. you have a baby because you want a child, shouldnt matter what sex.

sorry if i got on my high horse a bit there, like i say, some people just arent worth listening to. be happy.x

golds · 20/02/2006 20:16

jco, I am so sorry for your loss, I too lost a baby to ectopic last April. I have had many ups and downs, I think about the baby each day, if you ever want to talk, I understand how you are feeling. Take care and try and ignore such comments.

edam · 20/02/2006 20:18

JCO the post that upset you was shocking. I am so sorry.

Flossam · 20/02/2006 20:19

jco, sorry you have been upset.

FWIW I don't actually think her comments were aimed at you per se. I think it was just in general about the thread. Try not to let it upset you.

AnnieSG · 20/02/2006 20:22

JCO, I'm also so very very sorry to hear what happened.
I'm often astonished by the things people say on here and although it can be a brilliant andf supportive environment, you probably wouldn't give some people here the time of day in real life. By it's very nature it is open to everyone and sometimes I imagine it being like a party where anyone at all can turn up.
Try not to let this upset you. She's obviously a very insensitive person to make that comment.

TinyGang · 20/02/2006 20:30

Annie that's a good post and puts it all well.

Jco I have never done this before on here but am sending you a ((((hug))). I am so sorry you lost your baby

LadySherlockofLGJ · 20/02/2006 20:32

JCO

There are some people on here I would cross the road to get away from, she would appear to one of them.

fob · 20/02/2006 20:32

That is an incredibly stupid thing to say.
I'm sorry this imbecile has upset you.
Love and thoughts to you. x

Rhubarb · 20/02/2006 20:37

jco, this is a disgusting way for you to be treated! I get fed up of the posters who think that it's ok to be rude on MN because it's not real life. Your loss is very raw and painful to you and I can only imagine what you must have been through! I just hope that poster realises how much hurt an insensitive, throwaway comment like that can cause. I'll bet in real life she wouldn't have reacted in that way at all!!!

It's a bit like road rage at times, people feel they can get away with allsorts here because they're anonymous, in RL they wouldn't say half the things they do!

I've been on MN for 5 years and it is an incredibly supportive site frequented by the most kind-hearted and generous people. Don't let this one bad apple put you off. MN is a brilliant place to be if you are feeling low and you'll get tons of support.

I'm so sorry that you've been hurt by this.

whimsy · 20/02/2006 20:38

jco, I am so sorry for your loss and that you've been upset

Agree, people don't think before they post

Hulababy · 20/02/2006 20:39

Tact, I'm afraid, is not always shown on MN at times. Thoughtless, throw away comments are often posted without. The recipients are often forgotton. I doubt many of such comments would ever be said in RL, even by those doing it on here.

I am sorry for the loss of your baby. I am also sorry you have been hurt and upset on MN tonight.

WigWamBam · 20/02/2006 20:40

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm saddened that someone has been insensitive enough to make such hurtful comments relating to it. I'd say they were unthinking, but it sounds as if they thought about them pretty hard before making them, which makes it all the worse.

soapbox · 20/02/2006 20:42

jco - I don't think that Zebra was responding to your post at all - but rather to the overall way in which the thread was developing!

I am terribly sad you lost your baby - I've been there too

However as sad as it is, I don't think we should try to make other people feel bad about their emotions, even if we think they are a little trivial. To them they are very real and often quite upsetting!

Tatties · 20/02/2006 20:42

How insensitive. I like to think that even if a debate gets heated it can still remain civil and not descend to cruel remarks or personal attacks. There is no excuse for that. So sorry for your loss jco

Beetroot · 20/02/2006 20:43

It is a difficult one. It is nice to be able to say 'yes i was a bit disapointed, without being made to feel gulty about someones elses loss. HOwever, having read the thread, I do think that there was unnessary cruelty in that particvular post.

WideWebWitch · 20/02/2006 20:47

Actually, I don't think the comment was terrible given the context and given that it wasn't aimed at anyone in particular, well, I assume it wasn't, I haven't read the thread. If it wasn't aimed at you in particular I don't think it's unacceptable, I think it's someone's pov.
I'm sorry about your baby but you can't expect to tell people just to be grateful for whatever sex they got and not expect them to respond. Sorry, this prob won't be a popular pov.

Bugsy2 · 20/02/2006 20:48

jco, so sorry for your loss & for the additional upset you have encountered here. Remember, you shouldn't take anything personally on here as posters don't actually know you and in a debate forget how raw & sensitive others may be feeling.
Big hugs to you, hope you find some comfort on this thread.

Rhubarb · 20/02/2006 20:49

I see your point www, but jco's post was very nice and thought-provoking and she gave her friends experience and her own, so everyone knew that she had lost a baby. To respond in this way, even not to that post in particular, is insensitive, especially the parping bit too. There are nicer ways, iykwim!

Original poster
jco · 20/02/2006 20:59

I do think its very much because of the fact we can't see each other that makes some people think they can make such cruel comments. its almost like some people forget that there is a real person at the other end of each post, a person with feelings that can be hurt. Its possible to express a difference of opinion whilst still treating others with compassion and being sensitive to the other persons feelings.

I have been coming on mumsnet for a few months now and i am glad to say that i have found you lovely ladies on here to be warm, friendly, caring and very supportive. I have posted about losing my baby before and was deeply moved by the words of understanding and support i received.

I am very fortunate to already have two beautiful children but nothing will ever take away the pain of losing my baby. I guess that mszebra has been fortunate enough to never have experience the great overwhelming sadness that comes from losing a baby. Although having said that, most people who have never lost a baby usually have enough compassion to empathise, this is something that mszebra obviously lacks

OP posts: