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Original poster

Cruel comments from mn'er

195 replies

jco · 20/02/2006 19:55

There is a thread in the parenting section about being dissapointed with the sex of your child. As i lost a baby last summer i posted a message saying that we should really be grateful to have live healthy babys regardless of the sex and mentioned that i had lost a baby, below is the reply i got from one mn'er

"Oh bloody hell, why do people on MN have to get on a high horse about this? I WAS disappointed that DS2 wasn't a girl. I don't see what is wrong with having a preference as long as it doesn't ultimately affect your relationship with said child. It does not mean I love him any less or that I'm an ungrateful undeserving mother who should be glad that the creature was even born alive.

PARPS off."

Why are some people so cruel and insensitive. I lost my baby fgs!! this has really upset me, do some people have no compassion at all!?

OP posts:
doormat · 20/02/2006 21:51

Well plenty of people get threads about them without them here to defend themselves
look at sc and fa, and that is for starters
so dont see the difference tbh.
Post what you like Jco, everyone else does.
hugs
xxx

fastasleep · 20/02/2006 21:51

Hope you have a good night's sleep, I know it's cheesy but sometimes with the light of a new morning things do feel a bit better. Yes I know, totally ridiculous me saying that, after having a very easy time of it.

fastasleep · 20/02/2006 21:52

Fa... was there a thread about me? me? ME? Over-reacts as the shortening probably didn't even mean her

Original poster
jco · 20/02/2006 21:52

Bettikitten you haven't upset me hun. Its just i really wanted to talk about how i was feeling, it was all getting a bit lost in talk about whether this thread was fair. please belive me that i have no intention of trying to make anybody feel bad

Fastasleep in answer to you're question, there is nobody now. My partner and i seperated not long after i lost our baby. He actually went on holiday with his friends while i was lying in hospital! After that i couldn't be with him because he let me down so badly.

That is why i come on mumsnet because its so lovely to be able to reach out to people and talk about your feelings

OP posts:
Alipiggie · 20/02/2006 21:53

jco thought i was having a hard time, coping with thought of trial separation but that's nothing compared to losing a child. Be strong

fastasleep · 20/02/2006 21:54

Oh no can you not talk to your mum? Or a girly friend? Or get someone to come and stay? Don't feel embarrassed to ask, this is one of those times that people really need someone to be just there.

doormat · 20/02/2006 21:54

sorry fa meant fs and sc

fastasleep · 20/02/2006 21:54

Lol doormat

I'm sure my informer MTS would have casually mentioned any threads about me!

Rhubarb · 20/02/2006 21:54

That's horrible jco! Do you have anyone who is helping you through this?
Sorry, you probably don't want to talk about it any further. Read a good book and listen to the radio before you go to bed. Sometimes when I'm upset the only way I can switch off is by listening to music or reading, otherwise it just butts into my dreams and I have a shit night.

doormat · 20/02/2006 21:56

Is there anyone here that has been in this position and cat jco
and maybe phone to have a chat.

Mistymoo · 20/02/2006 21:57

I feel very sorry for you jco. I hope you feel better soon.

I think the only way to have avoided the hurt you have felt on this thread was to say you were feeling hurt by some comments on a thread today and not to mention what exactly.

I'm sure the MNs who know you and have experienced what you have gone through would be here in an instant to help you talk out your feelings.

I hope things are better for you in the morning.

Rhubarb · 20/02/2006 21:57

Amanda1 has - she split up with the father too. I'll email her and direct her to this thread, but she's having a bit of a hard time atm so I don't know if she's on MN.

Original poster
jco · 20/02/2006 21:57

I have a few very good friends who were wonderful at the time. It happened in june last year. I have got to the point though where i worry that people will get sick of me going on about it. some people seem to think i should be over it by now but i still hurt just as much as when it first happened. The reason i am so down at the moment is that my baby would have been due a few weeks ago and it really hit me again. I can't get past the feeling that i should have a tiny little baby in my arms now and instead i've got nothing.

OP posts:
Bettikitten · 20/02/2006 21:58

I hope this hasn't put you off then.....MN is a great place to talk and there are some really nice, caring people on here.

Hope you are okay though

doormat · 20/02/2006 21:58

rhuby i think she has gone away for few days
remember a post on it other day

RedZuleika · 20/02/2006 21:59

Oh, you poor sausage.

[doesn't do physical contact, but pats your arm comfortingly]

Rhubarb · 20/02/2006 22:00

She's back, I've just emailed her, hope you don't mind jco, she's great to talk to and has been there too.

fastasleep · 20/02/2006 22:00

JCO, if you just tell your friends about the due date thing... they couldn't possibly have any reason at all to feel 'bored', of course it drags it all up again! And they'll realise that as soon as you tell them!

goldstarlover · 20/02/2006 22:00

jco no-one will get sick of you talking about it. I had a miscarriage at around 6-7 weeks and I was devastated.
It was even worse in a way because people seemed to assume that as it was so early it didn't really matter.

I still think about it now, despite having gone on to have a lovely healthy baby boy. I still grieve for my lost baby... it's natural

Original poster
jco · 20/02/2006 22:08

thanks for emailing her, it would be lovely to talk to somebody who has been through the same thing

Goldstar, you are so right. I have two children already who have been real life savers for me but nothing takes away the pain at having lost a baby. there have been times where i have felt so low that if it hadn't have been for my two kids then i really don't think i would be here now.

bettikitten, this hasn't put me off mn at all, i have found this place to be a real godsend, there are some wonderful caring women on here from who i have received a great deal of support

OP posts:
golds · 20/02/2006 22:16

have you tried having a 'chat' on the ectopic website, it helped me. I sometimes feel that people would get bored of me talking about it too, I work at a school were one of the teachers had a baby 2 days after mine was due, she keeps popping in to see everybody, it hurts like hell everytime I see her. I'm always here to listen if you need to

Cristina7 · 20/02/2006 22:34

Jco - so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby last summer. I had a stillborn baby 2 years ago. I found the monthly meetings of SANDS really useful. Is there a group meeting near you? I also used to spend a lot of time on babyloss.com. I wouldn't have believed it when it happened, but it did get easier with time. Love, Cristina.

Greensleeves · 20/02/2006 22:35

I do agree with cod (not in a worshipful way, honest!!) that these threads tend to whip people up into an even bigger frenzy and don't seem to achieve anything positive... I'm really sorry about your loss jco, I understand you wanting to talk about it, and you being upset about mszebra's post, but I think things have spun out of control, as they often do. It's likely that the offending remarks were ill-considered rather than deliberately cruel. It might be better for someone to just tell her directly/by CAT that she has really upset someone? Just my view.

Enid · 20/02/2006 22:38

there are lots of women here who have had a m/c jco and I don't think we all took zebras post personally.

it wasnt meant to be personal.

I think you still have a bit of grieving to do, for your baby and for your relationship. the advice to contact support networks is very good.

getbakainyourjimjams · 20/02/2006 22:58

Jco- zebra often posts like this, it might be worth CATing her (the first time we met online we had a huge row, and continued to do so at regular intervals, in the end I CATed her because it was beginning to get to me and I think we reached some understanding about that particular issue. For all the people worried that zebra will be upset I honestly don't think she will be, I think she posts very honestly on here and just sees it as a way of expressing herself (that sounds naff- I KNW) I actually don't think that she tries to upset people though. I don't think she expects people to care what she thinks. Which is perhaps a robust way to see it. I think my CAt chats with her made me detach myself from mumsnet a bit (in a good way). I don't really give much of a stuff these days what others think on here (unless I "know" them in RL, or from lots of off mumsent chats), and I think that's a healthy way to be online

Those baby sex ones always end in tears. People who are stunned to have a healthy live baby are never going to understand those who are moaning about gender, and people who are offended by that are never going to understand why people feel so put out by it. I think it should be a banned subject tbh.

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