A love story : Living without my beautiful red-headed Mia

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

This love story began before Mia was born, intensified when she entered our lives, and it will continue to burn strongly forever. Mia is my red-headed flame, my sweet pea, my noisy sprite. Mia is joy, she is love, she is every good thing you can imagine. And I am so incredibly proud to be her mummy.

Yet she is gone. Mia died totally unexpectedly last October at the age of 13 months. Impossible, but true.

We miss Mia?s cuddles, her weight and her little legs curled around us, her face against our cheeks and her warm arms around our necks, the soothing pats on the back that she would give us as we in turn patted her. She was intimate, coming to us, arms raised, for a reassuring cuddle, but then with a smile, content she would wiggle free, independent and inquisitive about everything around her, exploring her world, looking in cupboards, peeking between the banisters as she climbed the stairs and just revelling in her existence.

I have tried to estimate how many times a day we kissed Mia. Picking her up, putting her down, dressing her, feeding her, washing her hands, just because? it must have been hundreds. Equally, we always made a point to tell Mia every day just how much we loved her. We know she listened.

I cannot begin to adequately describe the love that we have for our little girl. I can only ask you to imagine the most perfect feeling of love and warmth that you can, to double its intensity, and extend it to infinity and you are still not even close to the amount of love that we shared with Mia every second of the her 13 months.

This is her story, and mine, and my reality.

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

Darling Mia,

On Thursday evening, we gathered together a group of people who love you very much, to talk about making your wood a reality. Your daddy and I have been given so many ideas, and we really needed their help to refocus our vision. It was an amazing night, a room filled with love and goodwill, determination and confidence. People love you so much.

We came away enthused and excited - our friends told us to focus on a location which is near to home, somewhere close enough to where we can walk, to create a place that is magical and evokes the wonder of nature, the beauty that never failed to fascinate you. And that it is better to act now, with the funds we have, rather than wait for the perfect location which might never eventuate, so that your family and friends can join us in our visits, and we can plant the beautiful Mia irises. We also hope it will be a place of solace, so that other parents can come to remember their own children with joy as they too, experience the magic of your beautiful wood.

And just as the seasons change and trees grow, so shall we encourage Mia's Wood to evolve. We still have many ideas, but for now, this is enough.

We shall plant the little acorn and watch it grow, and always, always, think of your bright eyes, eager to learn, and your excitement in the world around you.

Loving you always, my red-headed girl,
Mummy xx

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

How can my Mia be dead? My beautiful Mia and the finality of that word, in the same sentence. She feels so alive to me. She is so beautiful. We are so proud of her. She made our world, perfect, complete. How can Mia be gone?

[LadyGago]

Mia is still here in everything that is beautiful. I know that she is not where you want her to be, in your arms, but she is in the hearts of all those that know and love her, and in the thoughts of people here that she has touched through your words. As long as she is talked about and thought about and remembered with love, Mia truly lives on. xx

[jmf294]

Mia's mummy- it is a question that just can't be answered.
But we are all just a grain of sand on the beach, a drop in the ocean, life is so fleeting and fragile.
But she lives on in your heart, your mind, your love.
And I truely truely believe, actually no I know you will be together again.
At that day, time will have rolled away, have no more meaning and you will be with your darling Mia for eternity.

Your plans for the wood sound so wonderful.

Saying a special prayer for you and your girl today- your heart is very heavy, but so many are here to help you carry the load.
Bless you xxx

[flubba]

x

[Tamdin]

Sending you Love and thinking of Mia x

[dubaipieeye]

Much love, I wish we could take away your pain. Xxxx

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

Thank you everyone. DH has also said that he wishes he could take the pain away for me. Very generous offers from you all. I don't think the pain will ever go away - it is so strongly intertwined with my love for Mia.

We are on holiday this week, and we both admitted today that somehow, it is almost harder to go back home again, after a week of suspended reality. We both still nurture a tiny flame of hope that Mia will be there for us, and life will return to normal... packing the car even made me sad, as we would not have been able to fit all our gear into our smaller with Mia here, as we can now... and with our extra time, without the pressures of everyday work, DH has allowed himself to cry more, admitting how much he misses his little red-head, who took him to "a new level of happiness that he didn't know existed until Mia arrived into our lives".

astralabe I really appreciate your kind offer, and I haven't forgotten. I am at a hiatus with my writing at the moment, but I do hope to move forward again soon.

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

I feel cheated. Even my dreams are no longer a place of refuge. I woke this morning from a dream where I had been asked if I had children... I replied calmly, "I have a daughter, but she died." No tears, just facts. I felt sad this morning, but resigned to this truth.

I love it when Mia makes her rare visits into my dreams. Very rare at the moment.

DH was remembering how he just used any excuse to spend time with Mia. I have spoken here how hanging out the washing and changing the sheets were some of my favourite times with my little girl - one of his own favourite weekly tasks with Mia was to take out the bins, and to bring them back. Off they would go, down the drive in the early evening, he hoping quietly to catch sight of our neighbours so he could show off his little girl, Mia gesticulating wildly as she looked and listened as he explained about the world around her.

A special father-daughter adventure, twice a week, putting out the bin and bringing it back, a mundane little chore made magical and joyful by simply being together.

[jmf294]

Such moving memories of household chores being turned into joyful moments because of your beautiful girl and the love you share.
I've said it before but you and your DH are such remarkable parents, the love you have so previous.

[IsabelMamma]

Hi Mia's Mum just want to tell you I'm thinking of you always. Even if I haven't answered your PM back yet , you and Mia are always in my thoughts & prayers. I'm just having a low week this week and can't seem to write at all.

I hope you enjoy your holiday with DH...I'm sure Mia is smiling down from heaven looking at her Mum & Dad having quality time together.

Take care of each other XXOX

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

For the past few days, I have been heartbroken by the story of little Aillidh, a little girl fighting for her life at the moment. Like many of you here on MN, I have been sending her love and light, from both Mia and me, in the hope that indeed, a miracle might happen and she survives against what seem to be insurmountable odds. And what has really touched me was the waves of support and care coming from so many people...just as I have also received here. So very powerful and moving. Many tears here.

However, when I and other bereaved mothers have written on Aillidh's thread, I have felt that we have been given undue attention by others. Lovely, but so unnecessary. To me, it feels perfectly natural. Of course I don't want another mother, or another family, to deal with the loss of their beloved daughter. Even more so, perhaps, than others who have not suffered such a terrible loss. Why would I not send this little girl any sort of healing thoughts I can? We know the pain, and there is no way in the world I would wish this on anyone in the world.

We had a beautiful, glorious, red sunset last night, after days of constant rain. I wanted to think it was Mia sending us love and light, and perhaps, perhaps, a little glimpse of hope. This morning, we learnt that Aillidh had survived the night, against the odds, and have now just heard that her stats are improving. I know that this is a far too convenient and simplistic explanation, but I hope, nonetheless, that Mia and I are helping just a tiny bit in Aillidh's fight.

[Frontpaw]

What a beautiful, beautiful little girl.

[flubba]

I dreamt of Mia last night; she was toddling round our garden peacefully and happily in our garden with other children. I woke up thinking of you and your husband MiasMummy and yet again don't know the right words to say, but wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

flubba, that is a beautiful image of Mia. Thank you. You have written perfect words.

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

eightytwenty please, don't be troubled. I truly wasn't upset about being recognised on Aillidh's thread, more that I felt a little awkward about the unwritten thought that the love of a mother who has lost her child is somehow 'better' or 'purer' in her love - and that it would be more difficult for a bereaved mother to want a sick child to become well. Every single person who wrote on Aillid's threads, with such compassion, had so much love for her. I was merely adding my thoughts, and it felt right to bring Mia into my words.

There is no comparison when it comes to love, or loss. Love just is. I cannot say I love Mia more than any other mother loves her own children, for how would I know? How could I presume so?

All I know is how much I love my red-headed sprite, who lives forever in my head and heart, a little face shining with love and laughter, alert and eager, as she sits in my arms.

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

It is a horrible club, or a 'crappy path', as one other friend aptly describes it. No-one ever expects to find themselves here, no-one ever chooses this and then - bang - you land on this hard, bumpy path, and you can never escape it. You meet others along the way, and you help each other, but the burden of pain is always there. And now expat is on this path too. Too many of us.

Yesterday, driving back from our week away, we saw a tourist train, steaming along beside the road, with families inside, little children waving madly at the cars as we passed them by, ever hopeful to see a responding wave. I just burst into tears. I wanted so much to be on that train, waving too, with Mia on my knee, watching her giggle as the whistle sounds, doing her special bounce of joy. Such a minor thing, out of all the things I hoped to do with Mia, but it hurts so much anyway.

[Annunziata]

I have just found this thread. You are the most beautiful writer, your love for your darling Mia shines though every single word. I am so sorry for your loss xxx

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

Going into Mia's room, the one we lovingly prepared, but which she never rarely used, as there was room for her cot in our bedroom, I am struck by the the colourful photo-frame clock I selected for her, especially so we could have photos of all her family members for her to learn to recognise. I would carry Mia into the room, and we would do a circuit, playing with the mobiles, bouncing the mouse on a spring, kissing the parrot fish, and then I would talk to her about the clock, telling her about each member of the family. We have a special photo book too, where you can record voices, which I thought would be fun for her to use, as each page could have a different family member speaking.

So sad that it is us who need the photos now, to remember our beautiful girl. I am so thankful we have many, as well as countless little videos which have captured Mia's many moods and expressions. By far, her most common expression is of laughter.

So lucky, such a treasure. Yet never enough.

[pookiecat]

As ever your writing is full of passion and love for your darling , as Iv said before life will send you blessings and your pain will ease, but Mia will always live in your heart. Not on here very often as back at work, however Mia is always in my thoughts, as are you and your family.xxxxxxx

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

annunziata and pookie thank you. I have realised that almost everything I have written on here has been accompanied by tears. I don't even really notice them anymore. And I have never considered myself as someone who cried a lot - until Mia died.

Mia would have wanted you to be happy. This phrase perplexes me. Mia was only 13 months old. She had four teeth, was still learning to walk, and hadn't even had her first haircut. I'm not sure she was up to such a complex emotion.

Yet I have also realised something important. Mia didn't ever see me unhappy. How could I have been? My life was all I could have ever wished, and the year of her birth was the happiest of my life, as I married my wonderful husband, and saw the arrival of my beautiful, amazing little red-head. Happiness was the perpetual state of affairs in our house. She might have seen us stressed, or tired, but never unhappy. It would have been wrong. In fact, I don't think it occurred to either of us. She made our world perfect and wonderful and amazing every day.

I do know that Mia loved me. So much. That love shone out of her eyes, and I see it in every photo.

And that is enough. Well, it has to be, doesn't it?