A love story : Living without my beautiful red-headed Mia

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

This love story began before Mia was born, intensified when she entered our lives, and it will continue to burn strongly forever. Mia is my red-headed flame, my sweet pea, my noisy sprite. Mia is joy, she is love, she is every good thing you can imagine. And I am so incredibly proud to be her mummy.

Yet she is gone. Mia died totally unexpectedly last October at the age of 13 months. Impossible, but true.

We miss Mia?s cuddles, her weight and her little legs curled around us, her face against our cheeks and her warm arms around our necks, the soothing pats on the back that she would give us as we in turn patted her. She was intimate, coming to us, arms raised, for a reassuring cuddle, but then with a smile, content she would wiggle free, independent and inquisitive about everything around her, exploring her world, looking in cupboards, peeking between the banisters as she climbed the stairs and just revelling in her existence.

I have tried to estimate how many times a day we kissed Mia. Picking her up, putting her down, dressing her, feeding her, washing her hands, just because? it must have been hundreds. Equally, we always made a point to tell Mia every day just how much we loved her. We know she listened.

I cannot begin to adequately describe the love that we have for our little girl. I can only ask you to imagine the most perfect feeling of love and warmth that you can, to double its intensity, and extend it to infinity and you are still not even close to the amount of love that we shared with Mia every second of the her 13 months.

This is her story, and mine, and my reality.

MiasMummy my heart is breaking as I sit here reading your beautiful words about your gorgeous daughter. I can only send my love and wish you peace, gone but never forgotten xxx

Yesterday, I found myself talking to Mia in the car, asking her to look after her little sibling, who is 19 weeks' today, and making themselves felt with little wiggles and flutterings.

I asked Mia to help ensure that her little sibling is born safely - healthy and normal, as well as intelligent, kind, loving and beautiful. Last of all, I asked if her sibling could have a long life, the life that she was not granted. I felt so guilty asking for this, and cried as I did so. It seemed so selfish and unfair to make this request of a little girl who did nothing wrong, but who had her life taken away so cruelly, to ask her to help ensure something that she was not given. It seems almost cruel. But I couldn't help it. I had to.

I think my actions were prompted by memories of Mia before she was born, when I asked for very many of the similar things for her. But at that time, I forgot to mention a long, happy life. I didn't even think of it - a natural assumption that this would happen. A part of me wants to say - ah, that's why she died, then. But the logical part of me says that this is nonsense. Just in case though, I didn't want to make the same omission...

Beautiful girl, your mummy made some unbearable hard requests of you. I'm so sorry. I don't want to hurt you. Ever. I feel so bad now. You have already given me a wonderful, amazing present.

Oh, sweetie, it is only natural to feel like this and to pray that all is well and I hope Mia was listening and can help to guide you all through xxx Wishing you all a lifetime of happy memories both of mia and of your new precious angel xxx

I can not put into words how much my heart aches for you, I can not begin to imagine how you are feeling.
I will be thinking of you both x

Mia's my ds1 was in hospital for minor surgery this week and as I looked at him so small and nervous in his bed I thought of you and how scared you and your dh must have been the night Mia was admitted to hospital.
It is truly heart breaking and as many have said on this thread, if I could take your pain away, even for 1 day so you could be free from grief, please know that I would x

tamdin we weren't very worried until Mia had problems breathing. Then, we were terrified. But no-one medical seemed unduly concerned. After that, things happened far too quickly and our lives apart...

I ache to see my girl. Such a beautiful smile. It's impossible to think I never will again.

I hope I didn't say the wrong thing.
Sending you love and best wishes as always x

Not often on Mumsnet, but thinking of Mia every day xxxx

I don't anyone who writes on this thread says the wrong thing, tamdin, so don't worry about that. But it is very hard to trust the medical system now.

Mia would be 22 months old today. If she were here, we wouldn't even notice the day, it would be a normal Sunday morning, with her crazy morning curls, breakfast chaos and chattering, with me teaching her new words and talking about the day ahead. Her death feels so unreal at the moment, a terrible nightmare, and one day I will wake up. How can a little noisy girl, full of life, so ready with cheeky smiles and enthusiastic arm-waving, just not be here anymore? It is beyond my comprehension.

And there is nothing, nothing I can do to change it.

I always believed that hard work, determination or money, or a combination of all three could fix pretty much any obstacle in life. A good result in exams. Study hard. A burst tyre in the outside lane on the M25? Phone and breakdown cover. New job. Persistence. But I can't do anything to change this. I can't fix it. I can't even make it a little more bearable. I just want Mia back so desperately. And not seeing her again, years and years of this loss yet to come... oh, it hurts.

A little sibling is a different happiness, incredibly special, but never a replacement. I know that I will love this child so much. Yet I feel that complete happiness will elude me forever. How can I be like that when a part of me, my red-headed girl, has been taken away?

I want to wake up.

Oh Miasmummy I don't have anything to say that can take your pain away but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that I am thinking of you and your darling girl tonight. I know that feeling of it all being a bad dream and just wanting to wake up. And the awful sinking feeling that this is forever. I'm trying hard not to think about forever and just take life a week at a time and then I look back and am surprised how far I have come.

Of course Mia's sibling will never be a replacement but he or she will fill your heart with joy and give you a reason to get up each day and to look forward and plan things again for the future. I know it's so hard but it's clear from your posts that you have a huge capacity for love and joy and, for this reason, I feel sure that you will have happiness in your life again. You so deserve it. xx

matilda I am amazed that another day goes by, and then another, and another. It bewilders me how we even manage to breathe, let alone function.

Last night DH and I were up very late, me working on a proposal, and DH working on a submission to our lawyer, researching through information we needed. It took him all night - probably over six hours in total. I felt sick watching him opposite, knowing that he was hurting, missing Mia, as he went through the horrible, clinical, dispassionate medical notes which outline the last hours of our beautiful daughter's life - yet I simply cannot force myself to be a part of it, which makes me feel so selfish, while he is so selfless. By the time we went to bed, DH was upset and frustrated, knowing that this work is important but so meaningless at the same time. He was only calmed when I felt Mia's little sibling give me some huge kicks, and he was able to feel it too, for the very first time.

Both our babies look after us, it seems.

Mia's Mummy while Mia's sibling will never replace Mia, she or he will continue to give you the kind of comfort you are already experiencing, even with just kicks at this stage. You must ensure that neither of you feels any guilt at feelings of joy that these kicks give you. I imagine that your emotions must be in turmoil, but he or she is there as her or his own person. A sibling, but a person in his or her own right too.

I can understand totally how you don't want to take part in the clinical, legal side of understanding and clarifying what happened to little Mia, and you shouldn't feel guilty for it. And your lovely DH to take comfort in little kicks is what life continues to be about, despite the gaping hole that Mia has left.

I think of you all often, and, although you have no choice but to go forward and continue, I am constantly amazed at how wonderful you and your DH are at being parents.

Love, light and peace to you all

x

Mia's Mummy my heart aches for you and your husband. This is so cruel and unfathomable. Death and little girls must not be in the same sentence. But your Mia is so alive! Through your words, your love, your vivid descriptions she has become part of so many people's thoughts. In a strange way, your Mia's luminous life and your all-surpassing love for her put in sharper focus my own love for my little girl, love I feel with every cell of my being.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and I hope that very soon you will hold in your arms a beautiful healthy sibling to Mia, a little boy or girl whom you will see grow into a wonderful man or woman. And Mia will watching from above.

Mia is so alive in my head, umnitsa, it's true. She was so very noisy - with an array of sounds for every occasion. I often think I hear her high-pitched wail or her bubbles of giggles when I go to the shopping centre. Mia was never a quiet child. She had trills, she had snickers, she had wide-open mouthed laughter. Mia would have a little mum-mum-mum noise as she busily crawled along, and a special da-da-da to convey content at a situation. I would talk to her, and she would reply in her own baby way, copying my intonations, as she prepared to form her first real words...

Now, I can only wonder what they might be, and what sort of language she might have now. I can only idolise her, rather than be amused or annoyed by her latest antics. I hate that.

Miasmummy (((hugs))) You are an amazing mother, and have a beautiful soul. Words are inadequate to express this.

I'm convinced that Mia is watching over her sibling, and I'm sure communicating with him/her.

I have nothing else to say, the way in which you write, the love that pours through your words, and the joy with which you celebrate Mia, are so heartachingly obvious, and it's impossible not to be moved to tears by them.

Mia was, and remains to be so very special xx

I can only echo what others are saying. Mia is a very special girl, I know every child is special but she has reached so many people. It's simply heartbreaking that it has happened this way. What a time of mixed emotions for you. You will experience true happiness again, and mias sibling will bring you joy (plus no doubt the amusement and annoyance you mention earlier!) but your lives can also never be the same again. And I hope your feelings of about not being able to face the cold legal paperwork side of things will disappear.. You aren't being at all selfish. You and your dh seem like an incredible team, and I'm sure while your dh is facing the legal side, you are constantly supporting him in other ways too. Your love for eachother shines through as well as your love for Mia, and it's so clear that you will continue to be wonderful parents in the years to come.

I wish I could take away your pain, life is so deeply unfair, but you are facing what it has dealt you without letting bitterness overcome love, and I believe that capacity to love is what life is all about .

I won't be around for a few weeks Mia's Mummy but know that you will be in my thoughts.

Love and light to you dear Mia's mummy.
I keep you all in my thoughts especially your precious Mia and her little sibling.

I wish I could do something to ease your pain, to change the past. I know I can't but I'll just keep offering prayers for you.

I hope your work in the Olympics goes well- I'll think of you and remember your little flame haired darling when I see the flame of the Olympic burning.

There is no bitterness. Grief and pain and disbelief, that Mia's little life has been cut so short. And certainly, a sense of injustice. There is overwhelming, mind-boggling love though. Always.

Thank you for your kind words, tami, emmieging, flubba, and jmf. They were much needed. I have had a very bad day or so, without any particular reason why. Well, of course, there is a reason. I miss my lovely, noisy, sweet girl so very much.

It is weird, when things go wrong now, I don't have the resources to deal with them as I had done so previously, to discard them or simply keep going. More often than not, I find myself crying or worrying, thinking the very foolish thought that It wouldn't upset me if Mia were here. Patently untrue, I know.

Life would not be perfect. Yet it would be a million times better too. Just to see her smile.

I am so sorry yesterday was difficult for you, Mia's Mummy. There is nothing foolish in thinking that with Mia around you would find it easier to deal with unpleasant stuff, of course you would. When our loved ones go it is as if we lose our emotional immunity, everything just gets to us.

Hope today has been better for you.

A year ago... enjoying fun times with Mia's cousins in the sunshine. Mia stood unassisted for the first time, a fact which we laughed about, mainly because she was concentrating so hard on eating a piece of melon and forgot to hold onto anything. Our little flame so loved her food!!

Nine months ago... everything changed.

Your memories of Mia are so vivid, and you describe them in a way that enables me to have a picture of her in my mind. I'm so sorry you're going through this. As others have said, the love you have for Mia will never change, and she will always be with you and her little brother or sister x

A lovely friend who never forgets today or the 15th... she has just texted to say that she and her daughter have done a noisy rendition of "Wheels on the Bus" in celebration of Mia. She loved her musical Wheels on the Bus book, happily pressing the button and bouncing up and down when she heard the tinkling music while I sang along.

Such a smile, so much love in her eyes, such joy in life!! We love you forever, my beautiful girl. xx

The other day, I was at an unusual event where the audience had the opportunity to meet with experts in all kinds different fields, and we were allocated randomly to go off and have 'micro-conversations' with them. Two of them really made me think...

One of my conversations was with an expert in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and her explanation of how neurological paths, and behaviour, are formed. One way is through repetition; the other, through a traumatic event. Our conversation was limited by time, so I never learnt how my behaviour could be modified or identified in these ways, I wondered how Mia's death has affected me in ways I don't even notice or understand now...

My other expert was a social technologist, a freelance photo-journalist turned social commentator who regularly blogs and twitters about life, and has found a totally new audience of interested parties, which has changed his world view. I quietly volunteered that I also regularly write on a social network, and explained about Mia, the support I receive, and our hopes for Mia's Wood - and how it has changed me. His reaction totally surprised me, as he was very impressed when I mention I wrote on MN, and encouraged me to keep going...

I can't ever say that I like how my life has changed. But it has. I just have to accept it. Even if I feel like blocking out the most intense emotions sometimes and just live inside my head with Mia, bouncing with joy, cuddling me, loving me. But she deserves to be shared, to be loved, by so many people.

Miasmummy- she really is, she truly is touching so many lives and the ripples from that must extend in ways you won't ever know about or be able to measure. So many good, loving thoughts and feelings touching so many lives among so many people. I know it's not a change you ever imagined or wanted in your life- but what a remarkable testament to Mia.