A love story : Living without my beautiful red-headed Mia

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

This love story began before Mia was born, intensified when she entered our lives, and it will continue to burn strongly forever. Mia is my red-headed flame, my sweet pea, my noisy sprite. Mia is joy, she is love, she is every good thing you can imagine. And I am so incredibly proud to be her mummy.

Yet she is gone. Mia died totally unexpectedly last October at the age of 13 months. Impossible, but true.

We miss Mia?s cuddles, her weight and her little legs curled around us, her face against our cheeks and her warm arms around our necks, the soothing pats on the back that she would give us as we in turn patted her. She was intimate, coming to us, arms raised, for a reassuring cuddle, but then with a smile, content she would wiggle free, independent and inquisitive about everything around her, exploring her world, looking in cupboards, peeking between the banisters as she climbed the stairs and just revelling in her existence.

I have tried to estimate how many times a day we kissed Mia. Picking her up, putting her down, dressing her, feeding her, washing her hands, just because? it must have been hundreds. Equally, we always made a point to tell Mia every day just how much we loved her. We know she listened.

I cannot begin to adequately describe the love that we have for our little girl. I can only ask you to imagine the most perfect feeling of love and warmth that you can, to double its intensity, and extend it to infinity and you are still not even close to the amount of love that we shared with Mia every second of the her 13 months.

This is her story, and mine, and my reality.

[monstertufts]

Miasmummy, what wonderful news about your pregnancy. I can understand your mixed feelings, but please do be kind to yourselves. You are a wonderful mother with so much love to give, and your new son or daughter is blessed to have you and your DH. Very best wishes for an uneventful pregnancy (in all the best ways!).

My 10-month-old DS has recently got into the habit of sticking his tongue out. It always makes me think of one of your photos of your lovely Mia. I quite often look at your photos of her. A wonderful little poppet. It's no wonder she has such a tight hold on your heart.

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

Thank you flubba, tinkerbel, cassette, monstertufts, everlong for writing with such empathy and love after my last post - and thank you for understanding how I feel.

monstertufts in Mia's beautiful scrapbook, there is a whole page devoted to photos of her with her tongue sticking out. It always denoted a great deal of concentration - just like her daddy!

everlong yes, today has been more peaceful. Having a member of my family here does invoke memories of Mia, as I associate family visits and their excitement of being with her, and general happiness. At the same time, it hurts when I realise that she is no longer here.

Tonight we visited a magical woodland area, which has been created by a local charity. It was such a peaceful, wonderful place with the most amazing trees and views. It has a beautiful woodland sculpture path, especially designed to stimulate a love of nature's wonders in children, and there is a possibility we could work with them to create a special section just for Mia, if this is what we want to do. The downside is that it is a reasonable distance away from home, whereas the positives is that it is a beautiful area, and it has so many of the same goals we have for Mia's Wood.

[chipmonkey]

That woodland area sounds so very lovely, Mias.

[Tamdin]

As tinkerbel said I also feel being a parent is such a complex set of emotions. At times I feel truly blessed and lifted by the love I have for my children and yet at other times I feel overwhelmed by worry, vulnerable and fearful incase anything would happen to them. Every parent's worse nightmare.
One that you so tragically have had to learn to live through. Your courage, honesty and strength as you grieve for your darling Mia has been inspiring. The love you have for her will be shared and re-told over a lifetime to her new baby brother or sister until they love mia as much as you do and I truly believe mia will watch on with love and light. Congratulations x

[jmf294]

Keeping you all in my thoughts.

Such contrasting thoughts and emotions filling your mind.
Your hope and fear, your joy and grief - but all filled with such love.

So many people here feel so strongly for you because your love for Mia is so alive.
Look after yourself and I'll keep praying for your precious babies. Xx

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

Mia feels so close at the moment. I received a set of videos yesterday that my father had taken of Mia on various visits - when she was born, at Christmas, his trip here last June. It was wonderful to relive those moments... the proud, adoring looks from us and the whole family as they met Mia for the first time, beaming and cuddling her gently. Mia in a full-throated baby roar, with DH patting and comforting her, brand-new in his role of father. Mia in the chaos and noise that is Christmas with my family, oblivious to the noise, contentedly lying across her daddy's arm, chewing her fist. Mia in the swimming pool with me, grinning and smiling as we whirl around in the water, quite comfortable whether being thrown in the air or submersed underwater.

Mia changed so much over those months, from tiny wrinkled newborn, to little baby, to a round-faced enthusiastic little girl. Watching the videos, watching her move and learn and make noise, all the feelings of complete love come flooding back. So, so amazing to have my little girl in front of me again like that.

I hate that her story is finished. For me, it never will be. That bright smile and those big inquisitive eyes are part of my daily sights.

Oh, how I love you, darling girl. xx

[girliefriend]

Hello just wanted to say hello and am so sorry for your unthinkable loss. Mia is a gorgeous, beautiful little girl and it sounds like her life was full of love.

I have been in tears reading your posts.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, thinking of you and Mia xXx

[chipmonkey]

Mias, yesterday my iPhone crashed. Luckily I have all the photos on it backed up. But I may have to get a new phone and it kills me that the first thing I see when I turn it on, won't be a picture of Sylvie-Rose. And that the last picture I took of Sylvie-Rose was on that phone, there will be no more. It's so awful, isn't it?

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

I am exactly the same, chip. To the point I now don't like taking any new photos on my phone, keeping my collection of Mia photos and videos "pure" somehow. I know I need to upgrade the phone too, as the battery life is poor, and I have replaced the screen twice, but the thought of relinquishing this series of images marking the little moments I shared with Mia, the spontaneous fun as she did something silly, fell asleep in her highchair, or looked cute in her bug floppy hat... Replacing them with a deliberately chosen set of images is not something I can quite face yet.

Today, I feel like Mia being gone is a huge misunderstanding. She will be here to bang on the rubbish bin like a drum, or run unabashed into a room, happily yelling, or throwing herself into my lap for a cuddle and to explain in baby talk her latest adventures. A little part of me dies each time I acknowledge none of these will ever happen.

Several of you have mentioned the fears of parenthood... This morning I woke from a terrible nightmare, where my life was going to change in a way I could not prevent. And I know the nightmare was most likely a manifestation of my concerns about this pregnancy. Yet, upon waking, the realisation that the worst has already happened, losing my amazing daughter, was even more terrible. And then knowing that Mia's death, as tragic as it is, cannot make me immune to further awful life events possibly awaiting me in the future, is so very frightening. This is a view of the world I have never considered before, all the bad things which I cannot prevent or control or stop.

Mia darling, you have taught me so much about love. I still am in awe of your beauty and all-encompassing love. Now, please help me to manage these fears, as I know you are so much more in my life than that. You deserve more from me. Love you. Xx

[monstertufts]

Miasmummy, your account of the nightmare you had, and your reflections on it, are all heartbreaking. No, your loss of Mia can't protect you from further pain in the future. But you are no more likely than anyone else to suffer new pain. Maybe one day you will lose the pain and just be left with your wonderful memories of Mia. People say that this is what eventually happens with grief.

You have said that Mia taught you so much about love - I suspect that her little brother or sister will be able to teach you just as much about hope.

I hope your dreams tonight are less painful for you. xx

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

Eight long unbelievable months tonight.

One year ago, we had just returned from a happy long weekend with my sister and her daughter. Mia learnt to investigate my handbag, discovered the joys of taking the cards out of my wallet, and the excitement of bouncing on a bed with her big cousin. All wonderful experiences for an inquisitive, curious little girl who was exploring newly-found capabilities every day.

A year on, how different life is. Oh, how different in every possible way.

My aunt is visiting, a visit she longed to make when Mia died, to be here for us, but had to defer. A special time for us both. It was this aunt who wrote the beautiful words - One breath at a time. Give yourself time. Not to get over this loss because you will always grieve but to somehow weave her beauty, her love, your love and your terrible loss into a fabric that can be worn as a shawl of love.

I wear my shawl of love so proudly every day. It keeps me warm with the knowledge that Mia's love will always be with me.

[jmf294]

Thoughts with you as another month has passed.

I really hope the love and joy Mia brought into your lives serves to give you strength and hope.
May happy memories fill your mind and love fill your heart.

[dubaipieeye]

Miasmummy I am so delighted to hear that Mia has sent you a sibling. I can only imagine your mixed emotions and heightened fears - I am afraid I have no words of clever advice, but you remain in my thoughts and daily prayers. You have such strength. x

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

everlong, jmf, dubai, monster such kindness and love shine through your words. My family know how much solace I find on this thread, and my mother remarked today that everyone here is also part of my shawl of love... and she's right.

I just wanted to say that I have been thinking further about that terrible nightmare, and walking forward in fear. It isn't right. monster your words were very true about the future. I have realised that I don't want Mia's influence on my life to only be about fear and sadness and darkness. She means so, so much more to me than that - she is all good things : love and joy and absolute happiness, and I absolutely owe it to her to concentrate on the positive, wonderful things in life.

I must hold true to my mantra of love and light, and in this way, I will honour my darling girl and bring her sibling into a world of joy. Mia. xx

[jmf294]

Mia's mummy-

You post reminded of the lines from a poem that I have just looked up and will paste below.
Although the fact of the true awfullness and injustice of the loss of your darling Mia can't change other feelings can change and the fear and sorrow lessen.
Indeed there are so many people who never had the privelige of meeting Mia and yet feel so saddened by her loss- so I can only begin to imagine how much greater and more intense those feeling are for you all.
For you Mia is love, happiness, hope and joy and that's the really important thing that needs to continue to grow and fill your lives.

'You can shed tears that she is gone
Or you can smile because she has lived
You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
Or you can be full of the love that you shared
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday
You can remember her and only that she is gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on'

Oh- if only it were so easy but you are so brave, a wonderful Mummy and so many people think and pray for you on this journey ahead.
Take care

Jo

[Tamdin]

Wonderful post jmf

[pookiecat]

Just to say even though Iam not on here very often, you are always in my thoughts and I constantly think of lovely Mia , love and light to you all.

[Wolfiefan]

As ever your posts have me looking at my DD with tears in my eyes and treasuring every cuddle and word. Mia you spread love and joy to those who did not even have the chance to meet you.

[flubba]

Very good post jmf and you sum up so succinctly how I (and others I can only presume) feel about Mia and her mummy.

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

jmf you made me think when I saw the poem you posted. I have seen it before, as it was sent to me soon after Mia died. At that point, while I knew my love for Mia would never disappear, I couldn't move past the if only...

This time when I read these verses, I felt different. I have moved forward to some extent. Now I can read these lines, and for me, I feel that where a sentence starts with Or, for me it should read And... I don't think the grief will disappear. It co-exists with the overwhelming love of Mia which lives within me, a part of me.

Yet now I can feel that the balance is slowly tipping towards the positive - joy, happiness, love and wonder. That is what Mia experienced. Those are the feelings that she evokes in me, even now. That is her legacy which I hope to pass onto her sibling.

[flubba]

You absolutely will pass her legacy onto her sibling ~ as you have touched the lives of strangers with your stories, so you will do so with stories to her little baby brother or sibling. He or she will evoke those same feelings in you, perhaps even more intensely because of Mia, and you will hold on to the grief and you will use it to the good.

Love, light and peace xx

[Astralabe]

Hello Miasmummy.. Nothing very profound to add but still reading and wanted to tell you I think of you every day. I also wanted to renew my offer to look at a manuscript / recommend editors etc if and when you publish.. You are an inspiration. I'm sure there are so, so many who read and don't post but for whom you've provided a huge source of empathetic comfort. May all go well for Mia's Wood and the rest of your pregnancy. Much love xx