A love story : Living without my beautiful red-headed Mia

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

This love story began before Mia was born, intensified when she entered our lives, and it will continue to burn strongly forever. Mia is my red-headed flame, my sweet pea, my noisy sprite. Mia is joy, she is love, she is every good thing you can imagine. And I am so incredibly proud to be her mummy.

Yet she is gone. Mia died totally unexpectedly last October at the age of 13 months. Impossible, but true.

We miss Mia?s cuddles, her weight and her little legs curled around us, her face against our cheeks and her warm arms around our necks, the soothing pats on the back that she would give us as we in turn patted her. She was intimate, coming to us, arms raised, for a reassuring cuddle, but then with a smile, content she would wiggle free, independent and inquisitive about everything around her, exploring her world, looking in cupboards, peeking between the banisters as she climbed the stairs and just revelling in her existence.

I have tried to estimate how many times a day we kissed Mia. Picking her up, putting her down, dressing her, feeding her, washing her hands, just because? it must have been hundreds. Equally, we always made a point to tell Mia every day just how much we loved her. We know she listened.

I cannot begin to adequately describe the love that we have for our little girl. I can only ask you to imagine the most perfect feeling of love and warmth that you can, to double its intensity, and extend it to infinity and you are still not even close to the amount of love that we shared with Mia every second of the her 13 months.

This is her story, and mine, and my reality.

Mia's Mummy-
Sending you much love and thinking of you.
It is so understandable that you feel such renewed sadness at such a happy time having just had Finn arrive.
Please be kind to yourself, 4-5 days after any birth emotions are tumultuous and intensified and you are recovering from the birth.
From reading here your pregnancy was so difficult emotionally beacuse although everyone was sending you thoughts and prayers you could not let go of your fear because the loss of Mia was your greatest fear sadly realised.
Then you had to face so much in the last few months with her birthday and inquest.
And of course Mia should be growing up alongside her baby brother and we all so wish for you that was the case.
My impression of things for you right now is that things are very split- sadness and joy, Finn and Mia, here and not here. I really hope and pray that you can put things back together a little more- that the joy that Mia brought you can sit along the joy of Finn, the happy memories accumulate together, as you tell your son about her he grows to know her. Andafter all when this world is gone and done you will all be together.
I hope this makes some sense.
Above all just want to send you love and light- I'm still thinking and praying for you all xx

miasmummy I feel so so sad for you reading those last few posts. I've been thinking of you so much and hoping that you are getting through these early days of Finn's life without feeling so distraught.

But that could never be. I know this. I know how much you are hurting. The hormones, the birth, a new baby and of course wanting Mia. I care about you a lot, you've been a lovely, dear friend to me and have helped me so much in your own special way. I wish I could do something, say something that could help you. I hate that I can't

For me I find a lot of comfort in Olivers brothers, knowing that a little bit of him is in them, I bet and I hope you can do with this Finn. You will see little glimpses of his big sister in him I'm sure, for me this is keeping them alive.

I'm rubbish with words but I want you know we are all here, always holding your hand and sending our love. Xxxxxxx

Beautifully put, Everlong. We ARE here for you, Mias.

I cannot know how you are feeling, but if I can offer you a hand to hold, then I do so gladly.

You have made a huge impact on me, and I think of you all so often, and with real tenderness and respect for your courage and love for Mia. I have learned so much from you, and the impact of Mia's life will resonate on mine forever through your words.

Sending you love and a gentle hug fro Finn. TMD xxx

My sister sent me this today (about my Dad):

"To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die.?
― Thomas Campbell

Mia lives in the hearts of so many she never met ...

That's a beautiful quote truly

It is true. It is.

I am so pleased of the safe arrival of your lovely boy[ knew it was a boy as soon as you said you were preg.] Of course lovely Mia should be with you, but I know she is near , you are all in my thoughts.... xxxxxxx

Just echoing the words of others. Finn is a blessing, but of course Mia should be with you too. Life is so unfair, there is no rhyme and reason to it, but I hope that as the days go by you will feel Mias presence and find joy and happiness

Thank you everlong, janey, TMD, welovecouscous, pookie, jmf and finley for your beautiful comforting words and hand-holding. They are much needed to deal with my undercurrents of grief.

"Rainbow Babies" come from the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds. Storm clouds may still loom over but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and much needed hope.

I look at Finn, and I have so much love for him. Yet the storm in my heart remains so very close. Right now, I can barely think of Mia, or say her name, without crying. It is very hard to describe. I didn't expect to be 'healed' by Finn's birth, but I also didn't expect the return of such overwhelming, acute pain either. I love both my children so much, and holding one, without the other, is unbearable.

The juxtaposition of love and loss is so painful and confusing.

Mias. Your post is so searingly honest. The mixed love and pain you feel right now so plapable. I have been thinking about you and your family constantly since you announced Finn's birth and the conflicting emotions you will all be feeling.

My eldest brother died at 15 suddenly and tragically. My youngest brother was only 4 weeks old and my mother has in recent years talked more about it and how when people came to see her some would say how she had a new baby and to be thankful she had him. She admits she would have him handed him to anyone in order to see my older brother again. She hates that she felt that way but that was the truth.

Life has gone on. Our elder brother is never forgotten but rather we weaved the tapestry of our lives knowing that he is and will always part of it. A never ending sadness but also a joy and love that can not be forgotten. Of course the youngest now is mummy's favorite and she would not be without him!

There are days ahead that will be painful. But as Finn continues to weave his way into your and MrMias hearts I hope that the joy will start to outweigh the pain. The smiles outnumber the tears. All in the safe knowledge that Mia is so very present.
Much love
TwinkleNose xxxx

Mias I'm afraid that my experience seem utterly inadequate against the storm that you are weathering.

I suspect your Finn, as he grows to be a giant amongst men, will reveal to you so many things, and challenge you to think about and address so many questions and thoughts about your darling Mia.

I don't know if you know of the stories of Finn McCool, but perhaps your Finn was already born with the Salmon of Knowledge and he will guide you on your journey. It is said, in the stories, that as Finn sucked his thumb he knew the answer to everything.

If you don't already have them I have a children's story book that I would gladly pass on with love and hope for peaceful times for you and yours.

Oh MiasMummy it must be so very hard with all the mixed emotions. The first few weeks of a new baby's life are hard enough as it is, let alone trying to deal with all the emotional turmoil that you are going through too.

Mia is keeping an eye on you and Finn, and will be wrapping her little arms around you all as you sleep to help you remember that her love continues to be here on this earth.

Darling Miasmummy, I'm sorry its so very hard, I cant imagine. This last year must have moved both quick and slow the present and is so removed from how you had perhaps imagined the birth of your second child. Pls continue with your mantra of "one foot in front of the other, and don't forget to breathe". We are with you xxxx

Sorry Miasmummy that I haven't been around. My best friend in the whole world had a stillborn son on Friday. So much sadness in the world. So much grief. It's simply not fair.
I so wish that mia was with you, clambering all over her little brother filled with excitement and curiosity. Thinking of you all. X

Your feelings are normal, Mia will never be forgotten, she is always with you and now she is part of Finn. Life is horrid, I wish you could have your lovely girl with you.. But I know she is with you, stay strong, we are all here supporting you strong lady xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Mias, I think you may be experiencing in reverse some of the feelings I had for the boys after Sylvie-Rose died.
I was grateful I had the boys, of course I was but they weren't her. Despite having four children living, the hole left by the one who died seemed greater than the space they occupied.

Finn is Finn. Mia is Mia. You should have them both. Finn should have his sister here to cuddle him, love him, and the odd time maybe pinch him and take his toys! It is lovely that he has an angel watching over him but how much better if she were here for him and you in solid form.
I do think Finn will help to heal you as he has given you the chance to be an earth Mummy again.

There's an ad on TV at the moment which makes me very sad. It depicts a student-age guy coming home for Christmas, walking through the snow and his little sister, around five, running out to meet him. That was supposed to be our ds1 and Sylvie-Rose. That should have been our life. It won't be.

In the same way, you will see families with a girl and a boy, two-year age gap, and you will think, "That should have been us". And people who don't know you will look at Finn, think he's an only child, and you will want them to see Mia too. And acquaintances who have not lost a child, may assume that Finn has made everything OK again when in fact, he has enriched your life but not replaced his sister in any way.

It's still early days, don't forget that.

No words really miasmummy just want to give you a big ((())) and to let you know I'm thinking of you.

The last couple of days have been heavy going, but I think I am feeling a little better today, despite still having a couple of sessions of tears...

We registered Finn's birth today, and as part of the standard statistical information, we had to provide details about our family. My heart broke just a little more when we had to tell the registrar that Finn had a big sister but that she died at 13 months. I don't think the registrar clicked on any button at that point, making me feel as if Mia didn't exist anymore...

And then tonight, the local Rotary club came around with Santa in a light-covered car, and my first thought was to say "Oh look Mia, it's Santa!" More heart crumbling moments.

Oh Miasmummy I can only imagine how hard that must have been with the registrar. But Mia IS finn's big sister, nothing can take that away. And there are many many people who think of her often, and many tangible reminders of Mia, including her beautiful woodland. And of course long before he can talk or even understand yet, Finn is hearing Mia's name, she is part of his life too right from the start. She isn't someone he will 'learn about' at some future point. He is growing up with her life entwined with his, totally a part of your family. I hope you can take some comfort from that. Thinking of you all.

My lovely, I am rubbish at finding the words, but my hand is here to hold.

Xx

Mias, that kind of "Oh well, that information doesn't count" is a killer, isn't it? Finn does have a sister, just like my boys have a sister. They will always be part of our families.

Stay strong, Mia will be with us always, a gorgeous girl loved and thought of by many on here... Kiss that lovely boy, things will get easier xxxxxxx

Checking in to see how you are, Mias.

Sending you love and strength, and gentle hugs for Finn.

XXX