A love story : Living without my beautiful red-headed Mia

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

This love story began before Mia was born, intensified when she entered our lives, and it will continue to burn strongly forever. Mia is my red-headed flame, my sweet pea, my noisy sprite. Mia is joy, she is love, she is every good thing you can imagine. And I am so incredibly proud to be her mummy.

Yet she is gone. Mia died totally unexpectedly last October at the age of 13 months. Impossible, but true.

We miss Mia?s cuddles, her weight and her little legs curled around us, her face against our cheeks and her warm arms around our necks, the soothing pats on the back that she would give us as we in turn patted her. She was intimate, coming to us, arms raised, for a reassuring cuddle, but then with a smile, content she would wiggle free, independent and inquisitive about everything around her, exploring her world, looking in cupboards, peeking between the banisters as she climbed the stairs and just revelling in her existence.

I have tried to estimate how many times a day we kissed Mia. Picking her up, putting her down, dressing her, feeding her, washing her hands, just because? it must have been hundreds. Equally, we always made a point to tell Mia every day just how much we loved her. We know she listened.

I cannot begin to adequately describe the love that we have for our little girl. I can only ask you to imagine the most perfect feeling of love and warmth that you can, to double its intensity, and extend it to infinity and you are still not even close to the amount of love that we shared with Mia every second of the her 13 months.

This is her story, and mine, and my reality.

Thinking of you Mias; so much pain entwined with so much joy.

Today Finn received some very special gifts from MN friends, all people whom I have come to 'know' through writing here about Mia. So really, my friendship with them is all because of her, and all the more special because of that.

Knotty created a beautiful little rainbow quilt, with the orange stripe especially chosen because it reminded her of Mia...

Everlong has sent through a gorgeous outfit, which Finn proudly wore today...

and Pistey has given me two glowing red glass hearts, one for each of my children.

Such love, so very thoughtful. Finn is a lucky boy, and yes, he will hear all about his big sister.

This afternoon, the last of MrMia's paternity leave, we spent at the hospital, to review their response to the coroner's rule 43 requirement to conduct a review into paediatric care for seriously ill children from Mia's inquest. It was very detailed, and with our input, even more so by the time it is completed. We felt it was quite fair, explaining what has been done, and what is yet to be done to improve services, and that it recognised the importance of advice received from us and other bereaved families.

I wasn't sure if I would be able to keep my emotions in check, as even saying Mia's name has brought me to tears over the past few days, but I was fine. Finn was brilliant, sleeping throughout, as if he knew that we needed this time to concentrate on his big sister.

Love you, darling girl. Love you, little boy. Always and forever.

The last few days have been so busy, and coupled with new-born baby fatigue, it means that it is hard to clear my head of the emotional turmoil I have.

On Sunday evening, our teacher friend brought around the Mia's Wood competition entries done by his 7th and 8th graders. There are truly some extraordinary research and ideas, both sensitive and poignant, and MrMia and I were amazed at the level of thought and expression... A poem walk... A wish maker which lights up with a star... A musical woodland area...a secret glade for children...and so many red-leafed trees and flowers identified for our red-headed girl. One project team composed their own poem to Mia, which was heart-breaking - and they hadn't ever met her.

It is hitting me again, and again, and again, that I will never see Mia again. Each time, it's like smashing into a brick wall unexpectedly. Such pain.

I haven't had any cloud kisses or signs from Mia recently, yet two nights ago, both MrMia and I dreamt of her climbing our stairs. Perhaps the dream symbolises the ordeal we are still going through, I don't know. In my dream, Mia was adroitly climbing down them rather than going up. Which would certainly fit with my spiralling sadness when I think of her right now.

Oh miasmummy i follow your threads but dont post often as i have no experience and feel tho i have nothing useful to say.

As always you write so elequently, your posts always make me cry.

The plans for the wood sound amazing, very very special.

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling, with a new baby and hormones still settling it must be very hard.

There is nothing i can say but i want to lwt you know i read and i think of you and Mia and your family.

Much much love and strength to you xxxx

Love and light to you all xx

Mia's wood sounds fabulous! What lovely children to have put so much thought into it. It must be such a comfort to know that she will live on through your efforts, and give so much joy to others.

I hope you have the best Christmas you can have: such love and joy that you have Finn, and that those feelings temper your sadness and loss a little.

You and Mr Mias are such amazing, inspirational people: know that, this New Year, we will be thinking of you, toasting you all, and carrying you with us into 2013.

Much love. XXX

As the family gathers for Christmas, we celebrate the arrival of Finn. Mia will have a role in all our thoughts, and her short life has affected each and every member profoundly.

Just wanted to say hello and thay you're all in my thoughts this Christmas. X

Tuesday was the due date for the hospital to provide its response to the coroner's Rule 43 review into paediatric care for seriously ill children. We have now met with them four times, including once to discuss their draft report, and we have been happily surprised by their openness, and willingness to admit mistakes, as well as learn from Mia's death.

The report was almost 20 pages long, as opposed to previous Rule 43 reports, which apparently were only 1-2 pages. How the same coroner felt that these ones were acceptable, I do not know.

We will continue to be involved with future areas of improvement, as well as working with the hospital to improve communications with bereaved families, and ensuring compliance and monitoring. So it is a good start, we hope.

But while I know it is important work, and there is some level of satisfaction that we are acting in Mia's name, the everyday hurt does not diminish. Even with the excitement of Finn and a family Christmas, I can still gasp with the pain of missing Mia. She would be entranced by the Christmas tree, excited by her cousins and so happy at being at the centre of a loving family. All these things denied.

My aunt has sent Finn a beautiful handmade Christmas stocking, embroidered with his name. She sent Mia one too when she was born. I found it when I opened the box of decorations earlier this week, along with some photo frame decorations I had bought two years ago, so proud grandparents could have photos of Mia on their trees... such a different meaning now.

I would love to hang up Mia's stocking. However, it will look so sad and empty alongside the stockings of her cousins.

There is nothing now we can give her, except infinite love. Beautiful darling girl. Love you always, Mia Alexandra. xx

Mia feels like a beautiful dream. The most perfect dream ever. A dream of absolute, pure happiness, the like of which I can never experience again. I say that as a simple fact, because I know it to be true. No matter what happens, no matter the joy that Finn brings, there is always a Mia-shaped hole of love in me.

Yet I feel bizarrely glad at the same time, because I now know perfect happiness.

Because of Mia. Yet another precious gift my Sweet Pea has given me.

Thinking of you Mia's mummy xxx

Oh Miasmummy. As you say, the flame of your love for Mia will burn brightly forever. It is a beautiful image of pure, complete love. But the other side of knowing pure happiness is that when it's gone, the hole remains. My thoughts for you are that this Christmas there are many threads of joy being woven into that tapestry. Not that they can cancel out or replace anything, but adding light and happiness.

Beautiful words, Mia's.

Wishing you love, peace, and joy with Finn, this Christmas.

XXX

I hope that out of your sadness , that you can find some peace.... Wishing you and your family a peaceful christmas, be sure Mia is around spreading her magic xxxxx

Yesterday we planted some trees and crocus bulbs at Mia's Wood with the family. Her cousins ran around shouting, climbing on piles of dirt, and her uncles dug the hole for another beautiful tree. A little gift for her.

My lovely SIL has given me the most amazing customised pendants. Mia's brown-haired cousin offered the gift box to me with such sweet, shy excitement.

One pendant says "love and light", another has an M entwined with leaves, and the third has an F. So beautiful. More Mia jewellery to ensure she walks with me and her little brother every day.

I still don't understand. I know I never will. I love you, my darling.

Merry christmas Mia, Finn and your amazing mummy and daddy. Wishing you all love, light and peace x in my prayers today as ever. X

Christmas thoughts and prayers for you all.

I hope yesterday passed peacefully for you.

Love and light x

Mia was very much part of the whole day's celebrations yesterday. Tears and love throughout...

Little love notes to Mia in her Christmas stocking from the rest of the family... gold leaf pendants from her to her three aunts... a glass star and the two red glass hearts nestled in the mistletoe overhead... a discussion with her cousins about Mia being an angel, and her eldest cousin calling her to come down so I could cuddle her and Finn at the same time... a heartfelt champagne toast to our missing loved ones as we sat down to lunch...Mia's photo joining us all at the table... a beautiful infinity pendant with a little star in the middle, as well as a similar infinity bracelet from MrMia - infinite as our love for our little girl... We are lucky to have family who care so much.

Mia. Always loved, always in our hearts.