A love story : Living without my beautiful red-headed Mia

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

This love story began before Mia was born, intensified when she entered our lives, and it will continue to burn strongly forever. Mia is my red-headed flame, my sweet pea, my noisy sprite. Mia is joy, she is love, she is every good thing you can imagine. And I am so incredibly proud to be her mummy.

Yet she is gone. Mia died totally unexpectedly last October at the age of 13 months. Impossible, but true.

We miss Mia?s cuddles, her weight and her little legs curled around us, her face against our cheeks and her warm arms around our necks, the soothing pats on the back that she would give us as we in turn patted her. She was intimate, coming to us, arms raised, for a reassuring cuddle, but then with a smile, content she would wiggle free, independent and inquisitive about everything around her, exploring her world, looking in cupboards, peeking between the banisters as she climbed the stairs and just revelling in her existence.

I have tried to estimate how many times a day we kissed Mia. Picking her up, putting her down, dressing her, feeding her, washing her hands, just because? it must have been hundreds. Equally, we always made a point to tell Mia every day just how much we loved her. We know she listened.

I cannot begin to adequately describe the love that we have for our little girl. I can only ask you to imagine the most perfect feeling of love and warmth that you can, to double its intensity, and extend it to infinity and you are still not even close to the amount of love that we shared with Mia every second of the her 13 months.

This is her story, and mine, and my reality.

'out of the mouths of babes.....' Little children are just so direct and candid; this little lad sounds so sweet.
Take care of yourselves- all of you, there is a lucky baby waiting to be born to you two lovely parents, and he (or she) has a very special big sister.

Yes, this little boy is a very special friend. He always wants to sit on our knees and have hugs with us both. DH adores him. And he loves flicking through my iPhone to watch videos of Mia, and chat about what she is doing.

I had such a symbolic dream last night. I was dressed in business clothes, looking very professional, travelling overseas on a flight somewhere. However, in the smart leather luggage I was carrying, all I had were Mia's clothes. No-one would know about them except me.

I wonder how many others carry similar baggage that the rest of the world never sees? More than we would ever suppose, I imagine.

Hi Mia's mummy. I hope it's okay to post here. I just wanted to let you know that there are other people who think about you and think Mia is gorgeous. Our family lost my brother at the same age as Mia who died very unexpectedly too and I have a red headed daughter about Mia's age. Your posts give me some kind of insight into my mother's world-thirty odd years ago bereavement wasn't really talked about and so we haven't got the habit of talking about him. All I know is that my son looks very like him. Please know that I will be thinking of you as you come up to Mia's birthday and inquest.

How wonderful that little boy talks about Mia, if I were you I would listen very carefully to him; many children just know things ! May you find an inner peace and a deep strength to get through these next few weeks. Mia is always with you , of that Iam sure, love and light to you and yours xxxxxxx

When I read your post about your dream- my thought was your dream was about your final journey to once again meet Mia and be with her for eternal time...
Thinking of you all xx

We watched a movie the other night, and in one scene, a beautiful chubby baby was having a bath. DH quietly began to cry. He remembers so well holding Mia, touching her rounded belly after a bath, and how she clung to him, peaceful and sure in his arms, as they had a shower together that terrible day. All before we knew anything was wrong.

molehill of course it's ok to post here. I'm sure your mother has never forgotten. And the pain will still be there too. But also, so much love in her heart.

pookie you are right, I am quite convinced that children see more than we do. There have been too many incidents like this with children since Mia died. They don't have the concept of life and death as we do.

jmf I hadn't thought of that interpretation of my dream.

Mia entered my dreams the other night too - she was older, perhaps the age she should be now. As she had eaten some food, I asked her if she liked it. She made me laugh with her response "burpy", meaning it had made her burp!! Perhaps dreams are momentary glimpses of that other parallel universe where we are all living happily together. I'd like to think do.

I am so so sorry to read this :( XX

I think Mia maybe visited me again last night, everlong.

It was a very odd experience. Yes, I think it could be easily explained away, but at the same time, I wonder... I woke in the middle of the night because my touch-sensitive bedside light was on. Thinking I had fallen asleep with it on, I turned it off. However, this kept on happening throughout the night. Finally, the thought came into my half-asleep brain that perhaps it was Mia wanting me to look at her photo on the bedside table, and so I left it on, and spent some time looking at my beautiful girl. This morning, I told DH about it all, and he looked over and said practically "Well, the photo frame is touching the light base." Yes, that makes sense - until I realised that normally, there is a book which also touches the light base, which doesn't cause the light to turn on.

My emotional, non-logical side of me wants to think it is Mia helping me prepare for her birthday on Saturday, telling me that she is also sending us light and love...

My clever, amazing, loving daughter. Always so proud.

Wow that's just made me smile and feel a bit nervous!

I've got these weird lights in my wardrobe that come on when you open them, the doors are glass. Sometimes during the night they will come on, nobody is near them, we are both in bed, quiet.

A few weeks ago I said to Oliver if you're there put the light on and within about 5 mins it came on.

I know this sounds crazy and to anyone reading this it certainly looks it. But it certainly doesn't do any harm to think it.

You are absolutely right, everlong, people might think we are mad, but there is no harm in thinking like this. It helps me. And who knows?

Yesterday, there were three quite separate but notable events. I don't want to compartmentalise my life, but sometimes, it is easier to do so.

Firstly, we have now signed the papers for Mia's Wood, after the legals got stuck over the right wording of a covenant about never developing the land... such a relief. So the plans for a picnic there with Mia's friends on Saturday can go ahead, and everyone whom we have invited are able to come along. Now that we can do something positive for Mia again, it makes the thought of the day more bearable, even if there will be tears.

I had a 28 week scan for the baby and a meeting with the consultant, both of which went well. While they normally don't offer photos after 20 weeks, the sonographer managed to capture baby in profile, and at that moment, I totally fell in love. Baby looks so sweet - little nose, rosebud lips and curved forehead - and I think baby looks a little like Mia too. The lovely consultant has mentioned bereavement counselling for us both, but don't really know what we / I would say, but now that the baby is moving, it is so much easier to imagine.

Finally, we went to a friend's birthday dinner, and met another lady who lost her daughter as a teenager. She was so kind and lovely and wise, and generous to us both. But all I could think - oh god, there are so many of us, too many of us...

that's so lovely about your scan. I can just imagine those little cheeks

So happy that Mia's wood is coming together, I am sure you will have a lovely day xx

Been ok all this week, keeping busy with painting the house, doing DIY, as well as two long hospital appointments, and Mia's Wood. It's all just hit me now...

The wonderful woman who conducted the celebration of Mia's life, who truly made it a beautiful event, just rang to acknowledge Mia's birthday tomorrow. She asked how we were both doing, and was overjoyed that I am pregnant again...

... A friend who hasn't been in touch for a while has emailed to say she is thinking of Mia tomorrow.

... The three nurses who run the bereaved parents' group have sent us a card too.

... My brother and his wife have sent us two dolls that her gift shop chain is stocking - which they are calling Mia Pink Hair and Cousin Brown Hair, and Mia's cousin has a pair which sleep in her bed. As my DB wrote in the accompanying card Having to remember someone you love, as opposed to enjoy them, is impossibly hard.

... DH has just called. Mia's Wood is now ours. We can now start to invest a tiny part of our dreams for her into making it a magical place. Yet so hard - it will never compare to our amazing, beautiful daughter.

All this love being sent to us is so overwhelming, mainly because it is unexpected. That is what has undone me. I know Mia is loved and remembered by many people, but these gestures out of the blue demonstrate a depth of kindness I could never have imagined.

I would do anything to be wrapping presents, organising food, and trying to persuade an over-excited little toddler to sleep so I could finish last minute birthday preparations.

It's so hard not to compare with last year's happiness. Or remember that frightening but ultimately wonderful day two years ago when Mia entered our world.

All gone. Forever. Nothing but a big hole in left. Nothing but love. My darling girl. Oh.

Your post has brought tears to my eyes.
Your little daughter has left behind her an oceanful of love. She has reached many people who never would have met her in life, and inspired them to strive to be better, more thoughtful, more caring people.

I know you would trade all of that to have her back with you. But it's not that she has left nothing behind, I truly believe the love and the spirit live on.

Wishing you sunshine for tomorrow. There will be tears, but I hope there will be smiles and laughter too as you remember your special girl. Mias wood will be a wonderful living testament to her.

Miasmummy, I ll be thinking of you on Mia's birthday. Love, light and prayers for you, your DH and your family. Please let us know how to donate to Mia's wood when the time is right. Giant hugs xx

miasmummy I somehow missed that you are pregnant again,how lovely that you and dh are going to be able to love another little baby as much as you do Mia. I have never posted but always watched with sadness as my little redhead is the same age as your mia and I am always extra careful to give her extra cuddles when I think of you and your dh.
My brother was still born 32 yrs ago and I still think about him often.

So sorry to read of your loss and thinking of you on your daughters birthday. My son died at the age of two and a half just over five years ago. I remember that first awful birthday without him but have come to find that often its the lead up to these days that is worse. I have had six miscarriages since but, finally, had a daughter four months ago and just wanted to let you know that it has been such a wonderful positive thing - nothing replaces the loss but the new little life has brought such joy. A friend wrote in a card to us that they hoped our sons final gift to us was to leave us even closer as a family. As I sat with my husband and watched our six year old read to her little sister tonight I finally think he has done just that.
Happy birthday little Mia x

Remembering Mia today on her birthday, hoping you see that floaty kiss cloud in the sky. Sending you and your dear husband lots of love and strong hugs.

I really hope you have some dry weather for your picnic at Mia's wood too.

Lots of love xxxxxxx

I will be thinking of you, your husband and of course little Mia. Take care xx

Happy birthday Mia! Thinking of you Mia's mummy.

Thinking of you today on Mia's 2nd birthday. I hope you and your lovely Dh have a special day with your family and friend's at Mia's wood and you feel close to your baby girl. Love and best wishes x

Sending much birthday love to your darling Mia.
Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers today and I really hope you that through the pain and sadness you can celebrate the wonder that is Mia and the love and joy she brought on this day 2 years ago strengthen you.
Wrap your shawl of love tight around your shoulders Mia's mummy as you and your special girl are in the thoughts and prayers of so many xxx