A love story : Living without my beautiful red-headed Mia

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

This love story began before Mia was born, intensified when she entered our lives, and it will continue to burn strongly forever. Mia is my red-headed flame, my sweet pea, my noisy sprite. Mia is joy, she is love, she is every good thing you can imagine. And I am so incredibly proud to be her mummy.

Yet she is gone. Mia died totally unexpectedly last October at the age of 13 months. Impossible, but true.

We miss Mia?s cuddles, her weight and her little legs curled around us, her face against our cheeks and her warm arms around our necks, the soothing pats on the back that she would give us as we in turn patted her. She was intimate, coming to us, arms raised, for a reassuring cuddle, but then with a smile, content she would wiggle free, independent and inquisitive about everything around her, exploring her world, looking in cupboards, peeking between the banisters as she climbed the stairs and just revelling in her existence.

I have tried to estimate how many times a day we kissed Mia. Picking her up, putting her down, dressing her, feeding her, washing her hands, just because? it must have been hundreds. Equally, we always made a point to tell Mia every day just how much we loved her. We know she listened.

I cannot begin to adequately describe the love that we have for our little girl. I can only ask you to imagine the most perfect feeling of love and warmth that you can, to double its intensity, and extend it to infinity and you are still not even close to the amount of love that we shared with Mia every second of the her 13 months.

This is her story, and mine, and my reality.

Thinking of you all today x

Thinking of you today.

Dear Mias.

I've never posted on your thread because I can't begin to imagine how you feel. But I do lurk often, drawn by the beauty of your writing and by the eloquence and poignancy with which you chart your new and un imagined journey.
I just wanted to wish you the best possible day today, and to let you know that if you could be buoyed up by the thoughts and love of virtual strangers, you would be airborne today.
Thinking of you and your DH.
TMD XXX

Thinking of you and your DH today Mias, and of course your beautiful darling Mia.xx

All your love and thoughts today have brought tears to my eyes. I do feel truly airborne, wrapped in a shawl of love created by so many.

It has been a beautiful day, full of sunshine, blue skies, laughter and love. We have been surrounded by friends, buoyed up by their children's games, and giggled at their antics as we sat in Mia's Wood.

We planted a glorious liquid amber which will greet visitors to Mia's Wood, and become a beacon to lead people onto new paths.

That is not to say there haven't been tears - watching Mia's cousins on Skype blow bubbles and sing happy birthday to her was hard. But it was truly a special day, for our beautiful flame.

Darling girl, beloved by so many, we all wish you were here. So very much. You have given us such joy. Unbelievable joy. We are so proud of you. Mummy and Daddy xx

Happy 2nd birthday Mia! Thinking of you Mia's mummy and daddy. I am glad you got Mia's wood in time to mark her birthday. It sounds like a beautiful place.

I haven't posted before but want you to know that your words about Mia make her dance in front of me, they convey her beauty and spirit so well. I think about her and you whenever I see a gorgeous red head and your love for her reminds me to give my dd an extra hug and kiss. I wanted you to know that Mia's power to spread joy and love carries on.

Wishing you all the best for your pregnancy.

I'm so glad today contained love in abundance. I realised today that Mia's story and your descriptions of her have made me look at my own red haired baby girl in a different, richer way. I hope that's okay. I found it especially poignant when my little one was thirteen months old. More love to you.

Your special girl has touched so many lives. Where love has been, love lives on forever. Hold onto that truth.

I'm glad that Mia's birthday passed peacefully, and that you were surrounded by the love of your friends and family who loved Mia too, and able to spend time in Mia's wood.

The love and joy she brought into your lives shines through everything you write. Thinking of you and praying for you today.

Mia's wood sounds so beautiful. So glad you were surrounded by the love of your family and friends. Happy 2nd birthday to Mia x

Thought about you all day. I'm so glad it was sunny and bright for you all.

So many people remembering and loving Mia. A comfort for you I'm sure.

Unsurprisingly, feeling rather flat today. All this love for Mia, and it doesn't change anything. She still isn't here... I felt so close to her yesterday.

It's funny. While everyone on MN have openly mentioned Mia, and wished her happy birthday, quite a few people in RL have not. They have made the effort to make contact, and said that they are 'thinking of us', yet it is weird and upsetting that they cannot mention Mia's name. And hurtful.

Our friends yesterday brought us some beautiful birthday presents for Mia. A lovely bird box for Mia's Wood, and acorn-shaped wind chime, flowers, and most wonderful of all, a star. A ball of flame in the sky, Mia Alexandra, for eternity.

It is hurtful when people can't bring themselves to mention Mia's name when expressing their condolences to you on her birthday. I am sure their intentions were kind, but some people mistakenly think that saying her name will upset you more.
How wonderful to encourage birds to nest in Mia's wood, and to hear the wind chime and see the star that means so much x

Miasmummy, somehow I remembered on Saturday that it was Mia's birthday, despite usually having trouble remembering the birthdays of family members and close friends, and despite not really being able to remember you having mentioned her birthday on here. A friend's little boy turned two on the same day. I looked at the photos his parents posted on facebook - he had a farm-themed birthday party with his friends in the garden - and thought of Mia doing something similar. How lovely that you had a celebration in her wood.

Your recent posts have brought tears to my eyes, particularly your description of your husband watching the film scene of a baby in a bath, and your friend's gift of a star named after Mia. My son is now roughly the age Mia was when she died, and I feel for you more painfully than ever. The thought of him being taken from me when he is so full of potential and wonder is, of course, unbearable, and you are amazingly strong just being here, able to tell the tale and carry on for Mia.

I wish you peace and happiness, as always. On Mia's next birthday, her little sibling will be there with you to celebrate her too-short life. I hope her birthdays increasingly become occasions to remember her joyfully rather than sadly. xx

Yes, it is nearly a year - somehow the pain is becoming (mostly) easier to bear, but at the same time, even more unbelievable. Mia still feels so close to me, so real. I saw a little girl toddler running down the shopping centre today, giggling as she enjoyed the freedom of movement, and I thought "Oh, Mia would do that" and then my second thought was "I have no damn idea if she would or not" - and I will never know.

I received a beautiful email today from one of the staff from the nursery that Mia so briefly attended, as I had let them know about Mia's Wood, as the whole nursery had made a generous donation. She wanted to let us know she would happily volunteer to help us to clear the land or to plant.

I am amazed and touched that she remembered Mia, as she wasn't even one of the staff in Mia's area. I just wanted to tell you that Mia was a beautiful, happy, wonderful, red headed spirit who warmed the room with her smile. You have both been in my thoughts and prayers over the last year and especially on 15 September this year. And yes, this lady even remembered Mia's birthday!!

Mia seems to have made an impression on so many people. I am so glad. My special girl.

That is so lovely Mias, its so nice when people remember. I have reached the 6 month point today, and one of my friends posted a card through my door saying that she knew it was 6 months, and that she thought I was doing so well, and she will be here for me for he next 6 months. Little acts of kindness mean so much don't they xxxxx

Yes, little acts of kindness undo me.

I was looking in my calendar for last year, and found myself looking through October, and all the busy things that Mia and I were doing - swimming, Songs and Rhymes, vaccinations, visiting friends, her first 'settle sessions' at nursery. Each day was filled with something fun. Off Mia and I would go, ready for each new adventure, her eyes dancing with excitement as she realised we were going out.

I didn't feel I could delete all the sessions and activities that never happened. They are still there, a poignant reminder of the world I have lost. My Mia world.

Sometimes I look at the photos of Mia that we have all over the house, and I am a little surprised at how she looks, how very young she is. In my mind, she is definitely a two-year-old now, taller, still very fair, with a little smattering of fine freckles on her nose, with a thick unruly mop of red curls, and a wide smile which makes her look very elfin. I can see her running into our room in her pyjamas at the start of the day, throwing herself onto the bed for morning cuddles and giggles.

I suspect Mia will continue to grow up in my head. My perfect child.

That's a beautiful image

Thoughts with you and Mia today.
I was praying for you all last weekend with my family - I was telling them how we were praying for Mia in heaven and praying for her Mummy. They said a special prayer for you all and we will continue to do so. xx

MiasMummy I've been awol from MN for a long time over the summer (no internet connection) and had dropped off this thread but have thought of you and your family often since I was last on here - especially as we were up in Scotland for much of the summer and the number of red-heads there is more than round here, and each one I saw (regardless of age or gender!) reminded me of your beautiful Mia.

I've had a quick read back over your last few posts and am thrilled for you that the woods are now definitely yours and you can start implementing all your lovely plans. I'm sorry I wasn't here last week to wish Mia a happy birthday. I hope the day was full of smiles and tears in equal measures.

Try not to be hurt by friends not mentioning Mia by name on her birthday. Their saying 'thinking of you' is as close as they dare come for fear of hurting you more than you are already hurting. I am sure they would be sad to hear that not saying Mia's name was more hurtful for you.

Love and light to you all x

All Mia's friends are turning two in the next few weeks. A big milestone, and our own seem so empty in contrast...

DH says his heart doubled in size when Mia entered our lives. There is a phrase in a song he remembers which sums up his feelings... show me heaven and then slam the door. He loved seeing her whole-arm wave as he left in the morning, knowing that Mia and I would have yet another wonderful day together. I do feel so very privileged that he was happy for me to take the extra time away from work, and yet not be jealous of the time I had with our little girl.

Exactly a year ago, Mia started her nursery sessions. The first day, she yowled for quite some time after I left her, one of her full-throated, all-orifice-streaming affairs - as I knew she would. It was the first time I had ever left her with someone she didn't know, and there was a pang of sadness as I drove away, knowing that she started on her first independent adventure.

When I returned later in the day, I peeked through the fence, and watched Mia for some minutes as she happily playing outside with a truck, content and busy on her own, but watching the other older children play around her. Yet it was still very gratifying that when I did go in, she immediately crawled over and reached up, ready for a cuddle with her mummy. And I was all too ready for a cuddle as well.

Still so very hard to believe that there are no more Mia cuddles.

I went to a networking session last night, quite a light-hearted one, and had been looking forward to it. However, when I arrived, I realised that I had absolutely no desire to make small talk with people I didn't know. It would inevitably include my pregnancy, and then questions about whether I had any other children... it's not that I don't want to talk about Mia, but it simply not what people expect to hear.

I miss her so much. I love her even more.

hugs xx