A love story : Living without my beautiful red-headed Mia

[MiaAlexandrasmummy]

This love story began before Mia was born, intensified when she entered our lives, and it will continue to burn strongly forever. Mia is my red-headed flame, my sweet pea, my noisy sprite. Mia is joy, she is love, she is every good thing you can imagine. And I am so incredibly proud to be her mummy.

Yet she is gone. Mia died totally unexpectedly last October at the age of 13 months. Impossible, but true.

We miss Mia?s cuddles, her weight and her little legs curled around us, her face against our cheeks and her warm arms around our necks, the soothing pats on the back that she would give us as we in turn patted her. She was intimate, coming to us, arms raised, for a reassuring cuddle, but then with a smile, content she would wiggle free, independent and inquisitive about everything around her, exploring her world, looking in cupboards, peeking between the banisters as she climbed the stairs and just revelling in her existence.

I have tried to estimate how many times a day we kissed Mia. Picking her up, putting her down, dressing her, feeding her, washing her hands, just because? it must have been hundreds. Equally, we always made a point to tell Mia every day just how much we loved her. We know she listened.

I cannot begin to adequately describe the love that we have for our little girl. I can only ask you to imagine the most perfect feeling of love and warmth that you can, to double its intensity, and extend it to infinity and you are still not even close to the amount of love that we shared with Mia every second of the her 13 months.

This is her story, and mine, and my reality.

Big virtual hugs to you and the thoughts of your cleaning the pictures of your darling girl.

Would it help to reframe the 5 weeks into the seperate discrete events rather than the big length of time. Seperating them may help to make you feel that you can ride each tide of sadness instead of feeling that the huge big tide of 5 weeks which I imagine may seem insurmountable.

Mia's birthday although of course so sad will be filled with the memories of that joyful day 2 years ago and the love she brought to you both that day.
Her inquest a day to stand brave and hope the truth is uncovered and positive changes will be made in her name.
And her anniversary a day that so sadly changed your life forever but to be marked with great love and honour as its the day that Mia's spirit flew straight to heaven.

I don't for 1 minute think that everyday day isn't hard and sad for you all but I was just thinking that if they can be seperated out in your mind it may make it a little easier to bear.
Please excuse me if this isn't in the slightest bit helpful but just a thought I had.

I miss our little girl so much. DH's first words this morning. My first thoughts every day. It's just impossible.

jmf that is a good way to think. It will be a month between Mia's birthday and the start of her inquest. We are actually planning a week's break during this time, and while we thought we wanted to escape to the sun, I am simply not confident of going somewhere with different medical systems, just in case... not that I am 100% confident of this one anyway. But I have suggested to DH that we could do a stay cation at home, and clear through the pile of DIY projects, and go out for meals in the evening.

Feeling good today. Just returned from a meeting with the lawyers about purchasing a nearby piece of land for Mia's Wood. They are confident that the deal can be done in time for Mia's birthday.

Funny little memories are popping into my head at the moment. Just little actions and events - Mia 'helping' me bake cakes sitting on my hip, touching everything ; her excitement in touching the overhead lamp ; watching her attempt to brush her hair with the back of the brush ; crawling over to her little shelf in the kitchen, watching her examine a new toy I had added there...

So many beautiful memories. I know that some bereaved parents have none. I can't say that I am 'lucky', but I have a head filled with cuddles and smiles and love, and for that, I feel so very grateful.

We miss you every day, my darling girl. Every day. We are so proud to be your parents.

You were asleep in my arms last night, as we travelled together on some unknown journey. I loved looking at your peaceful sleeping face. I just wish our travels stayed on the same path. I don't understand.

Love as always, Mia and you and your family are always in my thoughts and prays xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I have no ideas on how to mark Mia's birthday. A cake doesn't feel right, and I don't think I could sing Happy Birthday. People are asking me how would I like them to remember her on that day, and I simply don't know. Perhaps I will just ask them to do what feels right to them.

We are thinking that perhaps we will go to the piece of land we are buying for Mia's Wood and do some initial work there, maybe plant the first trees.

We had two families over for a meal yesterday, friends through our baby links. It is wonderful to see Ben and Tilly run around, exploring the garden, playing in Mia's sandpit, gabbling and giggling away and concentrating on their toys. Their parents have been amazingly supportive and generous to us over the past terrible months, even when it must have been hard sometimes. One set of parents texted afterwards, apologising for the mess and the noise - but how could we say that we would give anything in the world to have our own messy, noisy red-head with us, contributing to the chaos?

everlong thank you, thank you for sharing. It means a lot, my lovely friend.

You are right, I know that is how I should feel, especially because Mia beat enormous odds to survive, despite the circumstances of her birth. I gave birth to a little red-headed girl!! All the while I had been preparing mentally for a little boy, but my secret unspoken dreams came true when I met my beautiful girl for the first time. She was everything I had ever dreamed of.

It is so hard. At the same time, how lucky we were in Mia's birth makes me even more aware of the odds of the terrible chain of events which led to her death...

Just had a knock on the door from two Christians - not sure what type - who wanted to discuss whether or not I believed in miracles. I politely declined their offer, but all I could really think about was the miracle that I want, which I know is impossible, is to have Mia back with us, safe and sound, growing and chatting and learning. Simply not a conversation I really wanted to delve into with two unknown people.

I cling to the idea that one day, I will see her again. No fear of death now.

Sunday is the christening of the little girl whose brother was born around the same time as Mia. Their mother is such a lovely friend. She has rung to let me know that to keep the children amused afterwards, she has organised a Songs and Rhymes session. It is with the same lady where Mia would joyfully shake her bells, beam at the other bigger children, and bounce on my knees with sheer pleasure of the whole experience. And my friend has said that if we find it too hard, just simply to leave. I hope we won't, but it will be very challenging if the children sing Wheels on the Bus. Mia had a musical songbook of this, and loved pushing the button to make the music start. I would sing, and she would bounce! We also had this song at the celebration of her life, where everyone, adults and children alike, shook shaky eggs and rattled bells and sang with so much love for our little girl.

Tomorrow DH and his friends are doing a 90-mile bike ride, just 'because.' I am going along as back-up support in the car. I have to admit, I really don't like the thought of the trip very much, even though they are all sensible and have generally chosen quiet roads. When I was 17, I saw a friend die after being hit by a car as we did a bike expedition in the summer break. Life is so tenuous, and I don't think I could stand it if DH or any of his friends were hurt. It's just so hard to be sanguine and carefree now...

Iam sending to you love, light and peace vibes, stay strong , carry on with your thoughts and feelings , Mia is always there with you.xxxxxx

I hope your dh is resting up after his 90 mile ride. I am very impressed I must say! I'm sure your back up support was much appreciated too.
Mia has been more and more in my thoughts with the month turning to September and the evenings beginning to draw in. Autumn has always been my favourite season. It must be a bittersweet one now for you. But i know when the leaves start to turn red there will be so many people thinking of your little red haired smiley girl.
Wishing you strength and calm in the approach to mia's second birthday

It has been a busy weekend. DH completed his bike ride safely, cheerfully even. I tootled around the back roads, and thankfully was not required for anything more than extra liquids.

Today was the christening, which was fine, in the end. It was sometimes hard to say all the ritualised words of prayer without tears. Yet it all seems so separate from Mia, our love for her, and the grief and pain we suffer daily. Not sure that church and religion should be so removed from everyday life if it is to have meaning. I gain greater solace from nature, I think.

The children did sing Wheels on the Bus this afternoon. We didn't avoid it, but watched the pleasure on the little faces before us. We especially smiled at Mia's friend Evie, who opened her arms wide so expressively which she sang "all day long..." at full voice.

Beautiful girl. We are lucky with our friends.

I too have held you in my thoughts with the arrival of September and Mia's approaching birthday.
I glad the bike ride passed without incident. The christening sounded beautiful, how poignant the children singing.
You are blessed with special friends but they are so deeply blessed to have you in their lives. We have not met but yet the love, wisdom and courage you show here encourages me to be a better person and Mum- I mean that most sincerely as I think you are the most fantastic aspiring mother and person.

I was thinking of Mia visiting you in your dreams. We only remember the dream we have in the minutes before we wake and the other 4-6 dreams we have each night are kept in our unconscious. I'm sure as your heart and mind are filled with Mia that she is with you every night in those other precious dreams that you can't recall as you wake but she's there.

I hope the plans for Mia's wood go ahead and please it would be an honour to donate to her wood in a loving celebration of her birthday.

Love and light.

Mia's mum I just read your story' how awful you had to go through an inquest too... I'm sorry to ask u this and understand if u can't or don't want to answer but what was wrong with Mia and what hospital. She sounds like a little bundle of joy like Tayden was to me. He was my love story so I can totally relate to what u r saying...
I went to see a medium called Mary Smith, she was so amazing she even told me about thoughts I'd had in the hospital that no one else knew... She told me what I'd said to my son the day he died and again no one else knew this but me. I'm normally sceptical about these things, but I'd anyone does believe in it, don't waste your time with any other medium most of them are frauds...

Thinking of u and ur family x

Just popping in to say that, although I'm a rare visitor to MN, I think of you and Mia a lot. XX

It's lovely to know that that Mia is still in people's thoughts other than my own -chez, monster, asmywhim, everlong, janey, jmf and pookie.

I am feeling a little better about the approach to her birthday, as it seems that we should be on track to own the land for Mia's Wood by then. I am thinking of inviting our friends to come along for a clear-up, picnic and perhaps even a symbolic tree-planting. I can't say it will be easy, but I do need to mark the day in some meaningful way, although doubtless there will be tears.

DH is finding inspirational nature installations on the internet, as he is very keen to make Mia's Wood an exciting and beautiful place for children to explore and enjoy, so we can carefully plan the growth of Mia's Wood over time.

jmf what a beautiful gesture, thank you. That would be wonderful. I have been thinking how this might work best, and have started a conversation with a local garden centre which specialises in trees, to discuss what species would be appropriate for a local woodland area, and which would give beautiful vibrant autumn colours. If people wanted to buy a tree, I thought perhaps that I could give you all the link and the tree selection, and you could buy directly from there, and then I would arrange to go and pick them up and plant them. The only thing is, I learnt today that most tree-planting works best from bare-root stock, which won't begin until mid-November. Does that sound like a reasonable plan?

I received a text yesterday from my friends from the christening. I had included Mia in my inscriptions on the presents for the two children, my god-daughter and Mia's little friend Ben, as it just seemed right. My friend wrote "We both cried when we read what you wrote. We miss Mia." I'm very grateful that they understood the sentiment, and simply accepted it.

That plan for letting us know about the trees sounds good.
Will you let us know when you want to collect the trees so I can buy on time.
I'm looking forward to hearing of the developments in the wood.
Please take things easy and not too much heavy digging for you.

Thinking of darling Mia and you all xx

Great, I will keep on the conversation about trees with the nursery then. That is just so lovely of you.

Today I was speaking to my friend, the mother of the little boy who thinks Mia has become a star. We are surprised that he still talks about her so much. At two and a half, he is now asking questions about how Mia reached the star - did she use a ladder, did she fly there on an aeroplane?- it is all very intriguing for him.

Then out of the blue, this little boy announced "Mia has a little brother now". I wonder if he is right?