"Too Beautiful for Earth" For Sylvie-Rose and all our Angel Children

[chipmonkey]

For my darling Sylvie-Rose, taken from us just seven weeks after you were born. Too beautiful for this earth but I so wish you could have stayed nonetheless.
And for all the Mums walking this tough path. Let us link arms along the way and not be defeated by the cruel blow life has dealt us.

I've uploaded a few photos of Tamsin's Grave, now that we've redone it. We added a log surround, some compost, planted some Snowdrop bulbs (yes I know it's the wrong time, but hopefully they'll flower), and planted some Pansies, in the compost, then put some white cobble stones around.

In the third photo you can see the teddy my mum put on Tamsin's grave (it's in the forefront and is my mum's profile photo on facebook).

I've just realised that my photos are visible to everyone, I don't know how to make it just visible to those on here, as until whatever said it, I didn't think about anyone being able to see .

everlong no it's not normal behaviour, it is really sad though. I just don't see how the payoff would be worth it, I never even looked at the bereavement thread before I lost Tamsin, I wouldn't have wanted to, partly for respect for those on it, because it would be far too upsetting, and also because I used to think "there but for the grace of God", then God's grace run out...

Tami, Tamsin's garden looks beautiful! Let me know how your snowdrops get on. I planted some on Sylvie-Rose's garden but with hindsight I should have done it differently. I planted single snowdrop bulbs all around the little garden and then forgot where I had planted them and put ornaments or lanterns on top of them. So some really struggled to come up and the ones that did come up looked a bit sad as they were just a single flower. Next year, I will plant them in clumps and remember where I planted them. I also planted some hyacinth bulbs which have done well but the crocuses (croci??) I planted didn't come up at all. I am also so sorry I didn't plant any daffodils as some others around have planted daffodils and they look so cheerful and Easter-y! I may yet buy some in a container but I am fussy about containers, I don't like them to look too dark and grave-like.

I go up to Sylvie-Rose's garden almost every day. I have wondered if it's excessive but I find it comforting rather than anything else. I feel like I'm doing something for her. I also have a sense of her saying "What did you bring me?" when I go up, the way ds4 does if I've been to the shops. Sometimes it's a replacement lantern candle, sometimes some flowers or a potted plant. But it's so tiny, I can't really fit anything else on. I also get a bit mad if MIL goes up and rearranges it, as she sometimes does. If she does, I make a point of putting everything back exactly as it was.

Really, I don't think going up to her garden is opening up the wound again. After all, it's not like you need reminding that you don't have Tamsin with you. You can feel her absence all the time and if visiting her garden helps you to feel her presence, then I don't think it's a bad thing. But as I've said before, Sylvie-Rose's garden is in our village so it's really no more trouble than picking up ds4 from Montessori or ds3 from school.

I think, if you want to make your photos more private, you can go into your settings and arrange for them to be seen by "Mumsnet mates" only. Then you select your mates. I have never actually bothered to do this.

chip Aww thank you :) To be honest I'm not sure if the bulbs will come up, considering all the white cobble stones that DH put on... I worried that they may block out the light (and to be honest I kind of liked it when it was darker, and am worried what the town council may say wrt the stones.

I know what you mean about the size; the plots in the baby section are 2ft x 3ft, so the amount you can fit on is limited.

Thanks for the tip about photos. I'm not worried so much about Tamsin, as she'll have no chance to be seen, iyswim. But I will be more careful with DD1. I did choose the 'best' photos of Tamsin, as I was keen to avoid morbid curiousity, and she is my beloved, precious baby, not a 'thing'.

I tried to watch the programme. DD1 decided (as soon as the programme came on) to make as much noise as possible, banging her bricks, banging her xylophone, shouting etc. I let her escape from her playpen (awful mummy, I like to cage her in at times), then she proceeded to pull my hair, and then headbang me! Before turning the virgin box off, just when Richard was interviewing the RIP troll, who'd agreed to meet him.

It was desperately sad. Those poor parents, both of the lad who couldn't cope with cyber-threats, and those of Horatio. Why, why why???

I remember, when I was pregnant with Tamsin, there was a facebook page called "Here's your baby - JK it's a stillborn". I (along with others) reported it to facebook. I 'assumed' it'd been taken down, then a friend of mine, was asking people to report it again - in the week after I lost Tamsin. I felt disgusted by the * who put it up when pregnant, but was incandescent with fury after. I couldn't bring myself to go onto the page to report it, in fact I wanted to pretend it didn't exist. The pain it caused is just impossible to convey.

There are no baby plots as such in our cemetery, adults and babies are all buried side by side. We got a double plot and Sylvie-Rose was buried in the centre as the gravedigger suggested, "in between yourselves" It's a bit odd, I suppose for people our age to have bought their plots, dh's Dad is a morbid kind of a guy and we used to laugh at how he would go from cemetery to cemetery to choose his plot and would discount some that were too damp in case he'd be cold! But I have only planted on the tiny bit of earth that she went into, she's otherwise surrounded by grass.

Also, Tami, I do sincerely believe that people who behave like that eventually get their come-uppance. Even if they don't get it in this life, I truly believe that people who prey on others' feelings and emotions will have to face repercussions at some stage. There will be justice eventually. I don't pretend to know how it works but I have faith that it does work.

chip I've wondered if I wouldn't have preferred an adult area, as I did say to DH that if I died I wanted to be buried near to her - not something I ever thought I'd say about one of my children, and tbh it is the stuff of nightmares, though it is now our reality. Your FIL does sound a bit morbid, but older people I guess do that. My maternal grandad was supposed to be buried with his wife (my nan), in Wimborne Cemetery. She died in Dec 1970 (when I was 10 months old, the only grandchild she saw, mum was pregnant with Dsis, but only one month), and my grandad died when I was 16 in 1986. They'd bought a double grave (I'm sure it was on top of each other, not side by side). The cemetery refused to bury my grandad with my nan, saying her grave wasn't deep enough, even though they had all the official documents. There was a space for my grandad's name on my nan's headstone too. In the end they wouldn't back down, so my grandad was buried elsewhere there, and still hasn't got a headstone, which is so sad.

chip I believe that too. That was why I had 'karmathreefold' as my previous nickname. It was based on the idea that whatever you do comes back to you x3, which is a big belief in Pagan circles.

Looking back it seems so inappropriate, what the heck did I, or Tamsin do - in previous life, for hers to be cut so short in this.

When Belle died we bought a plot big enough for us all too chip - it is morbidly comforting to know she'll be right next to us both again one day, but like you say, strange standing there knowing it is our grave too. It was such an enormous grave for such a tiny little coffin. For now she has her own little headstone, perfect for her, white and pink, as I'm sure you have seen on FB; we decided until we lie with her too there was no need for an enormous headstone with too much space on it.

I'm feeling so weepy all the time at the moment.

As for visiting Tamsin tami you go as often as you feel you need to. I think over time, naturally you probably will visit less, but you may continue to go as you are now. Only you know what is right to do for you, ignore everyone else.

The thing is, no-one knows how it works. Even the monks who sit meditating on the tops of the mountains can only hazard a guess! But I do feel there is something beyond this and that everyone is accountable. It may not be that we're now being punished, it could be that we chose this tough life in order for our souls to grow in strength. Or it could be just bitching bad luck! I keep reading books on the subject by people who may or may not know better than me about it and they all contradict each other in some small way.

we too have extra plots at the cemetary. When we buried Fraser we were told that the local cemetary was very short of space and that soon it would be full

So we bought 3 plots.. Fraser is in the middle and there is a plot either side for his granparents and room for us in the middle with him

It is odd for young parents to have their plots in place but I guess its probs another normality for us that non bereaved parents dont have to think about

I am sorry for being controversial but personally I dont think this is the place for discussion of horrid trolls who post either on here or on the wider internet

This is a haven away from all that (well usually) where we can remember our children with a laugh and a tear and we can share moments of joy and moments of sadness. I think we have so much to share that giving these idiots any more head space is pointless

Fm climbs off her soapbox and prepares to be told off for trying to dictate what we talk about

Caz. Sorry you're having a bad day. You have been one of my lifelines since Sylvie-Rose died.

I had been meaning to ask what stone Belle's headstone is made of? It's pretty much exactly the colour I want for Sylvie-Rose. And I think the pink writing and engraving is lovely. Gosh, who would have thought we'd have been discussing headstones for our babies? You shouldn't have to even think about a headstone for a baby.

I'm not so sure its a bad day as such, just a lot more emotional than usual at the moment and it is catching me unawares at times and I find myself with a lump in my throat or watery eyes. I'm sure the triggers are Mother's Day, the build up and now come down, Xander's dedication has made me think a lot about Belle's funeral again.

chip it is a 'rose white' granite - it is mainly white with faint speckles of grey in it. We wanted white for her, but knew that marble would weather badly over the years so we were 'pleased' when we found this colour in granite in the book. If you can be pleased about such a thing. I'm sure you'll know what I mean though, just wanting to get everything perfect.

I was pleased to be able to her angel engraved and have pink writing too and could've hugged the funeral director when he said he would find a lovely raspberry pink so it stood out. She had that angel on her orders of service for her funeral, DH has the same angel tattooed above his heart and we've had it turned into a stamp for Belle to be included in our cards.

She is the only baby in that area of the cemetery and her headstone stands out so clearly from all of the others.

But fm, given that this safe haven has been invaded by trolls, and that some people here have been personally affected by them, isn't it something worth discussing as something that a bereaved parent can find themselves especially vulnerable to?

You know what though, I certainly don't want to discuss anything that anyone on this thread would find upsetting, so if it's something you don't want discussed, I won't discuss it!

Thanks, Caz. I will see if any of our local stonemasons do it. I have only seen one headstone with pink writing, another little girl, and it's not on the headstone itself, just on the border around the little garden. Dh wants a teddy bear stone.

caz.. i'm with you on the whole come down after mothers day thing

I have been really emotional and teary all week.. I had a fit this morning..tears and shakes and saying I am not going to work.. I cant

I had a right good bubble went for a hot shower and then called work and said I would be late .. when I asked why I said just because.. I can expect a meeting about my attitude to punctuality in the next few days..

I am sat here looking at my tip of a house but I have no energy to sort it .. grief takes it out of you doesnt it

Arrggh I remember all too well the agony of looking for a headstone. For some mad reason it didnt cross our heads that our funeral director could organise it as it was almost a year later. We traipsed round lots of monumental sculptures .. every one weirder than the one before. Till we found this man not far from the cemetary. He was lovely and helped us pick a beautiful granite stone .. its a a beautful blue that shines in the sun. Because their are no kids plots as such we have a headstone thats just over half an adult size. That way its not too big for our baby boy but doesnt stand out hugely against all the bigger ones round about

I remember this as being the hardest part of all to deal with

We chose a heart for Belle because her nursery was all set to be decorated in hearts and butterflies. It seemed only fitting that we carried the theme up there with her too. I've seen some lovely teddy stones, (again if you can call such a thing 'lovely', I hope you know what I mean) sort of oval shaped with the teddy bear peeking over the top and giving the stone a 'hug'

Nah Chip you aint upsetting me and your take on it is just as valid as mine

I have just said what was in my head at the time..feel free to ignore my rantings

Hello all, I'm so sorry that Mother's Day is having a lingering effect for you caz, fm and tami* too. Remember that you did get through the day, which is an accomplishment in itself!! Don't be hard on yourselves. There is no need to feel you always have to be the perfect mother / daughter / work colleague / cook / cleaner / partner - we also have the role of grieving mother which is pretty important to acknowledge as well. There is multi-tasking, and then there is just being plain "Winnie-the-War-Winner"... a family stereotype oft quoted by my mum and hers, whenever someone was trying to do too much.

We only have Mia's ashes, no grave site to visit. I can live without having that as a focal point for my grief, as we have her red oak, and I wear a special ring for Mia, but I am not sure that I am ever going to be ready to scatter my little girl's ashes anywhere, not even in Mia's Wood, once that happens.

Im so sorry that mothers day has had a lingering effect. We all got through the day!

I have just found out that my best friends sister has been diagnosed with cancer. :(

everlong and shabs given that some of here aren't too confident in our detective abilities, hope we can rely on you both to discreetly nudge us if you ever think it warranted! I give you my full permission to do so for me, at least...

accident oh, that is awful, so sorry. They all must be numb with shock.