"Too Beautiful for Earth" For Sylvie-Rose and all our Angel Children

[chipmonkey]

For my darling Sylvie-Rose, taken from us just seven weeks after you were born. Too beautiful for this earth but I so wish you could have stayed nonetheless.
And for all the Mums walking this tough path. Let us link arms along the way and not be defeated by the cruel blow life has dealt us.

Dont know if anybody has seen my facebook status today....will copy and paste it for anybody who hasn't.

'Pop (Lew's great grandad) was telling me all about Jesus.....do you know, Andma, he died because he picked up some chewing gum off the floor and ate it, and then it gave him asthma....and he has a Nerf gun and a Incredible Hulk dressing up costume like me!!' I have no idea what my Dad was telling him LOL.

Later on he said to me 'It was either naughty soldiers who killed him or that chewing gum I cant remember what Pop said!!

Cheese sorry I posted my last message at the same time that you did and it sounds so trivial now. If I was you I would definitly write to them....they need to know how to deal with people in the same situation. Thats what PPM has been trying to do - trying to get through to the people dealing with bereaved parents......if we dont tell them where they are going wrong they will never learn how to get it right xxx

Oh Cheese lovely. I think you should write to them, your care with Scarlett certainly sounds sub-standard. Of course having Ella doesn't make up for losing Scarlett honey, I have the same fear though that people will somehow think everything is 'fixed' now. You've been doing so incredibly well and being so strong for Ella - be gentle with yourself 16 months is no time at all my love. Of course you are still grieving for Scarlett and if writing to the hospital feels the right thing to do you should do it xxxxxx

hey ppm good to see you and wonderful that you have taken up the cause ...I wish I could do something to raise awareness of stillbirths but if a big organisaton like sands cant raise the awareness then what chance me?

cheese I am really sorry for what you went thru at the hosp.. thats awful. Yes you need to follow this up
our meeting was lovely but we still came out shaking and when we got home we had a lot of questions and comments we wished we had said at the time... you must feel 10 times worse

I just thought well this is the only chance that we will have to completely understand andI wrote to my consultant.

Got a lovely note back from him personally anda follow up meeting

shabs it's not trivial at all :) Lew is such a lovely and sweet little boy, my kids are what keep me going. I think I will write a letter, it'll be difficult but I need to. The care was awful, looking back, especially for a huge hospital such as they are. The smaller one we went to with Ella were amazing and I cannot fault a thing that they did.

Everlong I do go over things such a lot, the birth, everything leading up to that and everything afterwards. I still blame myself really for what happened. I've not had counselling, I've tried to deal with things myself but I'm not sure sometimes how well that's going. I'm up and down, I feel that I should be happy and not sad anymore but that's not the case. I'm happy to have Ella, of course, but I do feel sad still. Dh sees a counsellor, he's on anti depressants and was also disagnosed with ptsd among other things.

whatever Thank you. It's so hard. Barely anyone mentions Scarlett in real life now, it's all just expected to be ok, makes it hard. On fb too, I feel like I have to just be happy, and I am but there is more to it, I don't feel like I can be sad or complain about the normal things.

Thanks, talking about it helps. I will get started on a letter tomorrow I think, will open up a lot for me but I do need to do it.

fm crossed posts sorry. I remember getting the letter following up from the pm appointment and not even knowing that she had said what was in it. I really took in barely anything from it. It was all I could do to keep breathing, I was literally shaking visibly and could barely breathe. She tried to blame me in the appointment too, in their way, which hurts so much. She asked why I hadn't gone in the day before it had happened, when it just wasn't like that.

I was going in to be admitted the night before for unstable lie and on the way the car broke down on the motorway (a few day old car) so we got towed home. By which time it was late and I couldn't get back to the hospital until the morning (3 other dcs) when they were sending a courtsey car out.

THat night, about midnight or so I felt a bit less movements but assumed all was ok at that point as I'd been into hospital 2 or 3 times in the past month or so with reduced movements and everything was fine and they made me feel like I was wasting their time so I was reluctant to be honest. I was kept waiting for hours the times I went in too so I thought it would be fine to wait. How little I knew.

Car arrived the next morning and we went in, by that day when I got up I couldn't feel anything and was worried. Went in and they tried to put me on a ctg, no rush though, after I said I'd not felt anything it was still a wait. Putting the ctg on and they heard no heartbeat so brought a handheld one out, still nothing. Then came 4 or 5 other people in turn, trying to find her heartbeat but nothing. We knew in a way then. Then asked us to come upstairs for a scan. We went, and there were drs and consultant and midwives all in a room, I had the scan and I could see myself before he even said it. There was no heartbeat.

We were both in such disbelief. They left us alone and we both just cried. I couldn't even think, I couldn't stay there, I wanted to be back home and forget it had all even happened. I was given a choice to stay and be induced then or go home but I was going home no matter what. I wasn't ready at all and couldn't believe it.

That's why I blame myself. Sorry for all that, needed to share.

And breathe

cheese totally understand that lack of reality, and feeling of total disbelief. Struggling with the same myself about Mia.

I can't believe the insensitivity of your whole experience with the hospital with Scarlett! Unbelievable. I think a letter is a good idea, otherwise how will they ever change? There are normally PALS services (Patient Advisory Liaison Service) in hospitals where you formally make a complaint, and they have to respond within 28 days. However, if you would like some help in progressing your complaint to achieve a decent outcome(??), ICAS (Independent Complaints Advocacy Services www.seap.org.uk/icas is a free, independent confidential body designed specifically to support patients unhappy with any NHS services. It can also help you escalate your complaints if you are not satisfied - although you can still do this without their help.

I find the whole thing can take on such a surreal quality that sometimes I actually have to tell myself 'You have another daughter and she died' yet I remember everything in minute detail but almost as an observer to what was happening. I think our brains do try and protect us from the horror a lot of time so we can function day to day but of course it has to come through sometimes.

You are doing wonderfully Cheese I saw Ella's amazing weight gain on the other thread. Don't feel you have to always post happy status' on fb. Perhaps there's some people who need reminding how incredibly difficult it still is without Scarlett xxxx

Miasmummy I can't imagine how you must feel. Thanks for the link, I'll take a look. I just want it so that noone else has to go through what we did, I asked about future care too and it was just as dismal. I really didn't expect it from that hospital either.

Whatever An observer, that's exactly what it feels like. When I remember it all it feels like it happened to someone else and not me. Looking back I can barely believe it happened.

Sorry to bring such sadness tonight, trying to pick myself up and not dwell

Cheese I am utterly shocked at the way that consultant spoke to you, I really am. And the action of putting her head to one side, well, she sounds dreadfully, dreadfully insensitive. Sweetheart, you had been in to hospital twice in the month with reduced movements. You were told everything was OK. Maybe it wasn't. And at the end of the day, after twice being told everything was OK after reduced movements, I think I would have put any fears I had down to paranoia. You are not to blame. Cheese, I hope I am not making things worse if I say this but, sometimes when people feel that they are to blame for a situation, they try to deflect the blame on to someone else. I think, in a case of a stillborn baby, it's particularly cruel to imply that the mother is in any way to blame. And I would wonder if they did this to you in the hope that you wouldn't have them investigated? Because you had alerted them twice that all was not well with the movements and they did nothing. I really hope I'm not saying anything to upset you but I am very angry on your behalf.

Having other children doesn't make it all better. Because there is always someone missing. Always. I put ds3 and ds4 to bed this evening, reading them stories and thinking all the time that Sylvie-Rose should have been on my lap, making a grab for the pages.

Night night xxx

chip that haunts me, that maybe it wasn't ok. My midwives with Ella said that with the reduced movements before with Scarlett that she was telling us that something wasn't ok. Broke my heart. You haven't upset me, all the things you've said I've thought myself but wondered about. Wish I could hug you now, Sylvie-Rose will be with you when you read bedtime stories, I believe that xxx I feel Scarlett here too, sometimes Ella looks up at the air; I think that's her looking at her big sister. xxx

Cheese >> If you feel able, talk to PALS. It may be that you will never know for sure what happened to Scarlett but that consultant should not be allowed to talk to anyone about a baby born sleeping. She lacks the most basic empathy. One thing I did find helpful with Sylvie-Rose is that the consultant who saw her on the day she died and into whose care she was committed, is a neonatologist in a different maternity hospital from where Sylvie-Rose was born. I was concerned that perhaps Sylvie-Rose shouldn't have been discharged when she was, it seemed wrong that she had been discharged and then died four days later. But the consultant at the PM was most emphatic that had Sylvie-Rose been in her care, she would also have discharged her.

Would it help if you got another consultant, who has no loyalty either way to look at your notes from Scarlett and see what their opinion would be?

chip she was there when Scarlett was born too, I didn't really remember her though. My midwife was amazing when I was giving birth, she even came in early the next day to be there when I gave birth as nothing had happened overnight. It was a close call if I'd need a section as she was breech and the couldn't turn her, her foot got stuck after one was down and it took a few tries to get it down. I was close to needing a section, it was their last try according to dh, that was the most painful part of the whole birth.

Luckily the registrar (I think) got her foot down and then she was born. Giving birth to a baby that I knew was already gone was so hard and I did it with gas and air, I felt I owed her that, and wanted to give her the same birth as I had my other kids.

Sorry for this, having a bad night.

Morning xx

cheese you sound like how I feeling about 8 weeks after Xander was born, the initial weeks of him being here were over and we were settling into him bieng here and I was feeling really conflicted with emotions of joy and grief. At the time I put it down to Christmas looming but I also think a lot of 'I love him, but he doesn't make anything ok, I feel guilty for being happy with him' stuff was going on too. At least once a week I look at him and fill with tears for his sister, because it wasn't supposed to be like this, yesterday was one of those days. I guess its normal.

Its also normal to keep playing things over and over in your head. I know I do it. A huge part of me is forever stuck in June 2010, everything that happened leading up to being told 'those words' - its exhausting, but I can't believe I'll ever really move on from it, but that month was Belle's month and a part of me will always be there with her. Anything you are not happy with with the hospital please follow up. You'll torture yourself forever otherwise. xxx

After witnessing Matts accident I still cant watch programmes like Casualty on telly....sometimes its too much for my brain to recall and relive...Caz I think the way you felt is totally, totally, normal. Its all the 'what ifs' and the 'if onlys',

xxx

Morning ladies xx

I have just read your blog orian. You have managed to put into words what every Mum here is going through. I am so sorry and my heart goes out to you and your family. Jude is so gorgeous. xx

I don't know how we stop going over every detail cheese. I think the consultant should be sent back to college and taught how to speak to bereaved parents. She should be made to realise that she is talking to real people who are heartbroken and not giving a lecture to students which is what I think it sounds like. It is unforgiveable. xx

Oh my word just been to our corner shop with Lew....packed full of people getting their newspapers........'RHIANNNNNNNNNNA, PLEASE WILL YOU TALK TO ME!!' Me shushing him and telling him in a minute!! 'RHIANNNNNNNNNA IM GOING TO REALLY CRY AND GET UPSET IF YOU DONT TALK TO ME!!!' LOL Every eye in the shop was on me to talk to him.....spent a while explaining that if Carling made imaginary friends they would make Rhianna one!!! Its going to be a long day!!

I hope you put your vest on under your blazer before you went to the shop Rhianna xx

shabba or should I say rhianna? That is a wonderful image!! Surely you didn't really blush?!? I bet all the other people there just thought Lew was fantastic and were slightly envious of you with your gorgeous GS.

Ok ladies. Big news. I had a BFP today! I know this isn't the right forum, but I wanted to share as I cannot tell you how strongly I feel that Mia sent this to us, as everything for me had been all over the place this month and I am normally very regular. But she did it, I know. I just know she did. Such a clever, loving girl, giving me hope. So very, very early days of course, and DH is delighted, but fear is right up there too.