"Too Beautiful for Earth" For Sylvie-Rose and all our Angel Children

[chipmonkey]

For my darling Sylvie-Rose, taken from us just seven weeks after you were born. Too beautiful for this earth but I so wish you could have stayed nonetheless.
And for all the Mums walking this tough path. Let us link arms along the way and not be defeated by the cruel blow life has dealt us.

Welcome, Vondo.

We took DD1 to Oak Farm today. She loved feeding the animals. To start with she loved the chickens, till they came up to her, then she hid behind me. It's strange as among the masses of chickens, geese, ducks, horses, sheep, goats & pigs, they also have a few llamas.

It was fine, except when we paid to go in, the woman said that there were lambing sheep, and not to go in if I was pregnant - obviously the comfort eating of Galaxy has really taken it's toll. Then when we went into the barn, there was a large sign warning pregnant women not to enter.

The irony is, last year I refused to go, as I was pregnant, and already knew that lambing presented a risk (plus DD1 was far too young). Now I wonder why I bothered, even that little caution didn't make a difference in the end.

Sounds like a good day Tami am sure dd1 loved it and what lovely weather to be out in.

Yes we are this time Everlong never have done before so it will be a new experience. We have various reasons for wanting to find out this time but the biggest one is so I can process any feelings we have if it's a girl or a boy. Although we have no preference whatsoever I think there will be emotions attached if it's girl for obvious reasons but also if it's a boy as I sort of feel like I was 'destined' to only be a mum to girls. Makes sense in my head

How old is your grandson now? My mum adores being a grandmother K is the only 'young' one now and my mum dotes on her. My dn and dn are 17,15,14 and 13 now so K youngest by a long way on our side (I'm much younger than my dbro and dsis') although on dp's side she has cousins who are 4 and 1 which is lovely and dsil is due in August around same time as me.

How is everyone doing? x

welcome from me to Vondo. Come and write whatever you feel... we all do.

tami a petting farm sounds fun. As for not going last year, well, of course it is natural not to want to take unnecessary risks. But yes, it must have been weird going back. I was like that yesterday seeing the dentist, as the last time I went Mia came in with me, and she screamed - much simpler now, but I wouldn't care if she screamed all day if only she were here. (although Mia did have a pretty ear-piercing vocal range!)

to chip and everlong for your comforting words on my thread today. I did feel bad - and totally incredulous I actually said at first that I didn't have any children...

whatever wow, finding out makes perfect sense. My DH wanted to find out Mia's sex, and came up with the funniest excuses why we should - but nothing remotely compelling, so we didn't. We did ask the sonographer to write the sex down and put it in a sealed envelope though, which drove the rest of the family crazy!

Hoping to finally complete our house purchase tomorrow. Gardening like crazy now it is almost ours (we are buying where we have been renting.) Glad we are doing it but a strong element of sadness too - It is the perfect garden for children and we just imagined Mia having so many wonderful adventures in it.

whatever We found out Belle's sex at her 20 week scan, but with X I was so eager to find out who he was that we had a private gender scan at 18 weeks. I know we could've waited another 2 weeks, but those 2 weeks seemed like an eternity and I just needed to know, and 'meet' my baby. I was desperate to name my baby incase the worst happened again and like you I was anxious about my reaction to either sex. I needn't have worried on that score, you will be so overwhelmed by love the sex won't really matter in the end. It's hard to explain, but I don't love Xander any less because he's a boy and Belle was a girl. Or any more because he's a different sex to her. Am I making sense, I don't think I am! I guess I'm trying to say it all remained equal regardless.

Yes some things have really stung about putting away the pink, painting over the pink walls, but I'm sure it would've stung using it for a different girl too. Its such a mess of emotions isn't it.

Oooh Caz it's strange that you've said that I was googling private gender scans yesterday. My 20 week scan isn't actually until 25th and I'll be 21+3. I'll be 18 weeks on Monday so wouldn't have to wait another 3 weeks. Dp thinks we should wait as we'd already agreed to have a 4d bonding scan at 28-30 weeks.

whatever My DH said to me it was 'gender scan now or 4D scan later we cannot afford both' - I was so impatient that I said gender scan now. Then I had an almighty freak out at 29/30 weeks that he was going to die before I saw his face and HAD to have a 4D scan, I wasn't coping and I needed to go and see him, just so I could see him 'being alive' - so we had the 4D scan too and its was beautiful :)

Mofrning ladies xx

or should I say Morning xx

Mofning has quite a nice ring to it - definitely suits a Friday greeting!

Morning all. I'm in pieces at the moment, but am worried about posting here, in case I offend anyone, but really don't want to post on another board and get flamed.

I went to they psychiatrist today. She thought I was a bit 'high'.

We talked about medication, but she refused to prescribe Epilim, as I'm a woman of child-bearing age, and the risks of foetal abnormalities would be too great, if I were to fall pregnant (although I was taking it when I fell with DD1).

I did explain that we hadn't had sex for 5 months, but she said that situation could change, and asked if I would like more children, and I answered honestly yes. It's the one thing that's kept me going - hope.

DH, however, said without any doubt, that he would never help to get pregnant.

I'm totally crushed. Part of the reason I've stayed with him, despite the fact I shouldn't have, was the hope I could have another baby. I so want another baby. I know it won't replace Tamsin, I know that, but for him to say that, has taken away my last crumb of hope. The future seems so bleak and futile.

I'm really upset, sitting here with tears falling down my face, and a runny nose. It's certainly brought my mood crashing down. My mum is with me (she looked after DD1) but is going in a minute.

Part of me thinks he should have a vasectomy in this case. If he wants to steal my last years of fertility, then I don't want him to be able to create a child with anyone else. If I stayed and he had a one-night stand, and got a woman pregnant, I'd want the woman to abort it. I know that's a horrible thing to say, and I know I'm a horrible person. But I just can't bear that I want another baby, but he won't allow me to, but he can go off and have another family, whilst I'm left with nothing but shattered dreams. Sure I have DD1, but that's not the point.

I know this doesn't make sense, and makes me sound like a bitch.

The awful thing is, he wanted more than DSS with his ex wife, but she didn't want more, then went on to have two DDs with someone else.

I don't know what to do. I'm really struggling to even breahe right now.

I'm sure I sound over-dramatic, and pathetic. But I really want another baby. If it didn't happen fine, but that would be up to fate.

I have no plans of taking birth control - why would I if I want to get pregnant. So we just won't have sex - what is the point?

Oh Tami that must have been incredibly hard to hear. ((Big hugs)) Can I ask why is he still insisting on going to your psychiatrist appts with you? That should be your time and space.

My honest personal feeling is that you really shouldn't have any more children with this man anyway. He is cruel, degrading and abusive. I totally understand the longing for another child I really really do. But honestly you are still young, dd1 is still very young. I think you should concentrate on getting yourself to a position where you feel strong enough to leave him, he doesn't deserve either of you. Try not to think too far in to the future but you could meet someone, nicer, kinder and a better father. He isn't the be all and end all, he is not your only option to have another child in the future. What I will say is I did under estimate just how tough it would be to be pregnant again. It is terrifying and you will need a lot of support to get through it. He is not going to give that to you and you could end up in a very dark place.

None of this is meant to take away from your very real and very understandable upset today my lovely. Keep thinking about those baby steps to try and get away from him though, a better life for you and dd1 xxxx

Thank you Whatever.

I am pretty strong in my resolve now. That was, to be honest, the deal breaker. I'm not sure I have much time though; I was 42 in February, so the clock is not ticking, so much as deafening me.

What hurts is he has openly admitted to not using protection with previous girlfriends, one of whom he did see with a baby a while after they broke up (when he teenager), so the fact that he willingly took a chance with 'casual' girlfriends, yet won't even have sex with his wife in case she may get pregnant, is what hurts the most.

I can't even attribute his reasoning to losing Tamsin, and nearly losing me. Whilst that may have a small bearing, the fact remains, that he wanted me to get rid of Tamsin. Sure he came round in the end, but it has made me feel more alone in my grief, as I was the only one who really wanted her.

Sorry for whining on here. It's not something my friends understand (one suggested I get sterilised), so I feel really misunderstood right now. xx

I was a single mum to DS for 18yrs, and in all honesty it wasn't as bad. I never had to defer to anyone. I guess I was fooled, thinking that we'd be a partnership.

I so wish I had Tamsin, my two little girls, together. I'm beyond upset right now, though I know it's irrational.

I think you are right Tami I have friends who are single parents that say it is easier being on their own than with someone who does nothing to help/creates more work and stress than they resolve. Of course you are upset love, you should have your two girls at home, life should be different. The only thing I hope for you is horrible as he is every nasty thing he does/says fuels a tiny bit more strength to get away from him.

Oh and wow! You don't look 42 in your pics I thought you were just a few years older than me and I'm 30!

tami oh i am sorry. Fyi, we are the same age, and I am still hoping for another baby... There is even a special thread for the 40+ in conception. However, your current situation with your H doesn't sound right for this to happen. You already know what I think about him, from your own thread. Before you make any decisions, can you have a proper one-to-one discussion with him about babies? Just so you are able to make decisions on honest fact, rather than him potentially grand-standing. And you need yo be completely honest with yourself too. After all, these are potentially life changing situations. (trying to be charitable and fair) x

Tami, there was a lady on my ( and Caz and Blue's) antenatal thread who was 49, single and pregnant with twins conceived via IVF using donor eggs and sperm. Now, I know that that is not a usual situation but don't think you have to have a man to get pregnant or that dh is your only chance. As it is, you stand no chance of another baby with him, I really don't think he's likely to change his mind.
Sorry, have to run now, will post later!

Welcome Vondo - Im sure I remember you on our thread a while ago? Mind you I am always slightly barking mad so just ignore me if I am wrong Glad you came but very sorry you had to x

Hello vondo, hope you find us of comfort to you.

Oh tami i just want to give you a big hug. That must be the hardest thing to hear. And maybe part of the reason he doesnt want anymore is fear, fear that he will get to teh stage of wanting the baby only to lose it again, maybe its fear that is causing this, the fear of loving and losing. I am by no means defending him, but thats part of the reason i dont want anymore, i fear that now i have my gorgeous son that i couldnt face having a miscarriage again, so i feel its best not to try, not that currently i have anyone to try with so to speak. And this is what this thread is for, you can come and say whatever you choose and we understand and if we dont we will try to understand and wont judge you.

I still feel strange when people say is he your first? or is he your only? I want to blurt out, no he isnt he is my third, but i always nod and say yes he is my only. Because these people are strangers and i dont want to say well i lost two before him and i know i wont have any more, although maybe in time that will change. With the right person. I miss my two everyday and a miscarriage isnt the same as having a still birth or a baby die later, or in childhood or in adult hood, but that baby still had a heartbeat, in both of mine, i saw the heartbeat with the secong one at 6weeks and 6 days, it made littley seem so much more well, real so to speak, i used to talk to them and sing to them. But they were both gone. I dont write often but i do read and i feel your pain, or at least some of it anyway. I am a mum to three, in my heart, but here on earth only a mum to one. And every morning i wake up and he is there, i let him come sit on the bed with me and i give him the biggest cuddle and tell him to always know that mummy loves him. A part of that is fear if anything should happen, adn always my last words of a night, mummy loves you, cos i feel if anything were to happen that would be a comfort, that he knew his mum loved him. I am sorry if i offended anyone writing that, but its just how i see it.

And despite my life going good now and me being pretty happy, i still have these quiet times with these thoughts. I share with you guys but no one else.

Whatever :)

Miasmummy I had no idea we are the same age, you look really good. I have fingers & toes crossed for team rainbow for you xx

chip But having a man would be so much more fun xx

MyLittleMiracle Bless you. I won't go into the back story with DH, and yes it could be fear, but he didn't want Tamsin, he actually wanted me to get rid of her to start with (how I hate typing that). He did get used to the idea, but he did state that he never wanted another child with me, when I fell for her. But thank you anyway xx

MyLittleMiracle Please don't deny, or play down your losses. I have to admit I've found this whole journey very humbling, and your post touched me so much, that I have tears in my eyes. There are differences between miscarriages & late miscarriages/stillbirths, but they do share the loss of dreams, that all child bereavement shares. They were not 'miscarriages', they were your babies, and I agree, that once you get that blue line, then you dream, you hope, you love. And once you've seen the little blob, with the heartbeat, on the screen, it is the most powerful emotion. So please, please don't apologise. Your post was very moving xx

Looking back at my old facebook statuses, I found out that I had the 20 week scan on 1st July, last year. I didn't reveal the gender, only saying that I have a child of the same sex (I had one of each).

It is 5 months today, that Tamsin was born sleeping :(

Yes, Tami, but a nice man! One bearing and !

I am very, very anxious. Ds2 is in Italy on a school trip. Now a bit of me is very as he is on Lake Garda in a nice hotel and getting to see Italy. But I am stressing that something will happen to him, you know you hear these stories about coaches crashing and I think I would lose my reason if anything happened to him too. On a less hysterical note, his two best friends aren't on the trip and he's sharing a room with boys he doesn't know all that well. I have tried to build up the positive aspect of this, making new friends etc but I really hope he's having a good time. He has no mobile phone with him so I can't text or call ( Probably just as well!)

chip so annoying when anxiety takes over. However, in reality, he is probably having a whale of a time, maybe trying to impress (without success) some very cool, unobtainable older Italian girls with his smooth moves and fluent language skills?!? (no idea how old he is, but boys always seem to do this, regardless of age!!) can you worry about that instead?!?

tami yes, put it a order for a nice man with flowers please! And you are definitely not too old for anything...well, maybe a limbo competition in ill-advised footwear and a revealing top might be a wise move...

MLM, I feel honoured that you are willing to share your thoughts here.

Quite a big day really. Our house purchase did go through, I had my first Olympic training session, and then met some lovely inspirational friends for dinner, whose ideas, energy and empathy always make me feel better. Lots of things to be thankful for - but at the same time, none make up for Mia.