"Too Beautiful for Earth" For Sylvie-Rose and all our Angel Children

[chipmonkey]

For my darling Sylvie-Rose, taken from us just seven weeks after you were born. Too beautiful for this earth but I so wish you could have stayed nonetheless.
And for all the Mums walking this tough path. Let us link arms along the way and not be defeated by the cruel blow life has dealt us.

Aww at your Gran fm :)

The first toy we bought for Belle is buried with her. It was a soft grab rattle with a little Zebra inside, black and white on some sides and multicoloured on the others. We bought a big Zebra around the the same time, with bright coloured hooves, a mirror, squeaky things etc and funnily enough it has become one of Xander's favourites now. It really is strangely comforting him using his sister's things. I've just been careful to make sure he's had new things just for him too.

We also buried a letter with her and a photograph of her with me and DH. So it felt like we were with her always.

Ladies, it would take someone really heartless to say nasty things about the photos. But I suppose facebook etc being what it is, I know I have some people on there who are friends only in the most loose definition of the word, some colleagues who I would happily show Sylvie-Rose's "alive" pictures but not those after she had died. I did try to categorise people into "close friends" and "acquaintances" so that I could make some pictures more private but for some reason, not sure why, one of my school friends sent me a rather snooty message saying that she didn't subscribe to school lists, even though I had no idea that FB had let her know I was making lists! Same person didn't send any kind of message when Sylvie-Rose died, mind you, even though I'm fairly sure she knew.

I have seen some horrible comments on youtube, probably from some immature teenage types on peoples' lovely footage of their angel babies so for that reason would never put anything there.

Sylvie-Rose never got any toys of her own. She was born so early that toys were the last things we thought of and in any case, with four big brothers there was no shortage of toys. MIL bought her a little doll to be buried with her and I dressed a teddy up in a pink babygro and put it in with her as well. I will never get rid of her Moses basket but even if we could use it again ( anyone got a womb to rent?) I would be nervous about using it, even though it had nothing to do with her death.

Caz You are absolutely right to share Belle's photos, she is beautiful. I guess I'm thinking along the lines of whatever, and don't want any horrible comments. To my absolute regret, I have no photos of Tamsin naked. When she was first born, I was so weak from the blood loss & unable to sit up from the caesarean, that I wouldn't have been able to hold her. Then when they wanted to dress her I screamed. I wanted to get out of bed, to run away - I didn't want to look at her for an hour or so. I have no idea why. I'd assumed I'd know how to react, but there was a horror, and rage inside me. I told the midwives to fcuk off when they tried to calm me. I heard the midwives outside, talking to someone about getting my CPN. I was scared then... that I had gone mad. I was forced to take some diazepam. The lovely surgeon came in though, and told me he didn't think I was mad, just in grief.

Do you know (and I quite understand if this makes me a hateful person), I was a bit angry at Tamsin, angry at her for being dead. Angry with me for not keeping her alive. How horrible is that? The last time I saw her, my blood pressure (always so low during pregnancy) was high, and I felt ill (had a urinary infection, but didn't know). And I was a bit angry with her then too, that she had made me ill! I think I may have mentioned this on my thread. I told my mum who was a bit upset that I felt that way, and am now so damned ashamed. I don't think I knew my name anymore.

Anyway, I found it difficult to dress Tamsin, due to my tummy, so the midwife did it on my bed. I couldn't bring myself to pull even her cardigan on, as her skin on her body was so damaged. i felt angry again - that I'd been robbed of even the most ordinary thing. When she was dressed for her funeral, the midwife done it again. Her poor body was so fragile, and weird - soft, yet cold.

We haven't put a teddy on her grave. The ones on there are from my friend, the student midwives, and my mum. We did bury her with two teddies we bought her, and photos of us, and a card (a birthday card we wrote a message in). I still feel guilty that I didn't put in the photo of my parents - with their hair attached - that they'd wanted me to... it just didn't feel right; she did, however, touch it.

Tami, in some of my bad moments, I have said to Sylvie-Rose ( How could you forget to breathe? Didn't you know you had to breathe?") and then felt guilty because it wasn't her fault that she was born at 28 weeks and didn't have the neurological development a newborn should.

You have to remember that your delivery of Tamsin was utterly horrific and you had been given drugs you wouldn't normally have in labour. That, on top of the grief would mean that you weren't in a proper state of mind at all.

Tami, don't feel bad about not putting in what your parents wanted you to. Tamsin is your baby and it was important you did what felt right at the time. MIL made a huge fuss about an ugly bunch of wet flowers she wanted put on Sylvie-Rose's coffin and dh had to put his foot down and say they weren't going on.

Thanks chip, I'm glad you're DH stood up to MIL. It's funny because I thought I'd know how I'd react, she'd been dead inside me for 5 days, I'd got used to the idea. I had it all planned. Then the caesarean happened, the transfusions, the stupid midwife telling she'd 'rubbed off' Tamsin's skin, then dressed her in a stupid bloody hat, when I wanted her to wear what I'd bought. I think the loss of control, over what little things I could have control over, made it worse xx

Thank you Caz and fm. That was a lovely thing your dh did for Ross' room fm. As Erin was our 2nd she was to use K's cot, pram, car seat etc and as she was born at 35 weeks we hadn't actually got any if it down from the loft. K had literally the day it all happened moved in to her new 'big' room so the nursery actually still just looks like K's room not Erin's except her beautiful new mamas and papas crib. It was the only big new purchase we made as I borrowed a Moses basket for K. I think that's why I feel funny about using it because it was all she had of her own. She had a miffy bear and a new blanket that was buried with her. Her other blanket is in her memory box. She only had 2 new neutral outfits as we had 4-5 white ones from before K was born we were going to use.

I like your outlook though Caz that it is a connection between siblings. The only other thing I had insisted on with Erin was one of those lovely glider chairs and footstools for bf in. I always regretted now getting one with K. That's at my mums and I will use that this (fx).

I think there is some kind of a connection between ds4 and Sylvie-Rose. Last year, around the time we conceived her, I had put ds4 on the changing table. Out of the blue he just said "The princess". I didn't know what he was talking about, princesses were scarce on the ground in our house. But I reckon now that I had conceived her two days before that, I got the BFP less than two weeks later.

Then one day around a month ago, we were at her garden in the cemetery and we were just looking at the garden quietly. Then, his face just lit up with a smile and he said "Sylvie-Rose, she wants to play!" He would have been such a lovely big brother.

Hi all. All your comments about baby things coincide with my own thoughts. I still have all Mia's clothes under her change table, and all her books and toys in baskets in her room. However, as she never slept in there, always in her cot with us, it doesn't feel too bad. I too, think I want to keep everything, and hope that perhaps a little sister or brother might be able to share the toys and books. They were all bought with such love, and I would hate to think of them elsewhere. Not sure about her clothes though.

chip Your DS4 sounds like a sensitive little soul. I agree that children perhaps don't see the barriers between life and death as we do. Mia's little friends still play with her, inviting her to tea parties, to dance, and just to play. One little boy I was with last week, insisted that Mia had come down from the stars (where he has been told she lives) and that she wanted to read books with him in their pyjamas. He kept on saying "Mia come down, Mia not star" to the point his mother was apologising. But I didn't mind, if he can see my beautiful girl, then I am so glad that they play together. Perhaps he knows more than we do, limited as we are in our adult minds...

But it's all feeling very weird at the moment. Like I don't belong here, because how could Mia truly be gone? Then my brain switches on again.

Chip That is such a lovely story, like Miasmummy says - he is a very perceptive, sensitive soul.

That has given me a thought; DD1 was awful at sleeping through the night last year (and has her moments now). She would regularly be awake during the small hours, and nothing I did would get her to sleep, some nights I would plonk her in her travel cot, that doubled as a playpen (she now has a proper playpen), and lie on the sofa, letting her play - never worked, as she would just shout if tried to sleep, and lob toys at me.

Anyway, the night before Tamsin died (I think she may have died overnight), she didn't wake - she slept in late... very, very odd. I woke with a panic, because I worried about her, and also that I hadn't felt Tamsin as I'd been asleep. I was a bit cross that she didn't wake that night. But now I wonder... DD1 would sit on my lap at night (when I tried to get her to sleep), and Tamsin would kick madly - as if to kick DD1 off - they were strong enough for DD1 to feel. Maybe DD1 & Tamsin were connected then, and DD1 didn't wake, as Tamsin wasn't there anymore.

I haven't touched my Tarot Cards since just before I conceived DD1. I keep getting the urge to now, but would they say - that I don't already know?

I havent been here for a while, but today was my littley's due date, His (i still believe littley was a boy) heart stopped beating at 8weeks and 6 days pregnant.

Today he should have been three, and today i missed that. Sometimes, i dream about the two i lost, i see them playing with my living breathing son, i see my eldest, junior with her beautiful dark blonde curls, playing and being quite independent and very grown up, trying to be just like mummy, i see littley playing with his toy trains and helping my youngest bump, play football, and chasing each other around the garden.

I dont know whether i should see these things, but just before i come awake, the dream fades away, slowly so that it turns into just bump playing, I can actually watch him, and hold him, and kiss his cheek and play with his hair.

I know i cant live with what if's, but just today i wondered about him, and had a cry, and i know losing a baby doesnt compare to anything that those who lose a child go through BUT it does hurt, i would do anything to be able to see my babies, to see them happy and laughing, just one hug and kiss, is all i ask. I know i wont get these, but one day i hope we can be together as a family, and maybe them dreams are slightly true maybe its their spirits playing with my son.

That sounds like a lovely dream MLM, all your babies, angel and earth, playing together! I'm sure they do watch over him and join in sometimes.

Tami, that reminds me of a story I read about a lady who was pregnant, first trimester. Her 3 year old dd was playing alone when she said "Bye-bye. I love you. I'm gonna miss you." When her Mum asked who she was talking to, the little girl said "My brother." The next day, the Mum miscarried. I have heard lots of people say that children of three and under can see and hear spirits but that we forget as we get older. You never know, maybe dd1 is still in touch with Tamsin!

Did you read Tarot cards before? Were you accurate?

For MLM and anyone else who dreams of their children -

...For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.
In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;
And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.
Trust your dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.

• Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

May your dreams be gentle tonight, and filled with love.

chip Since I was 17, so around 25 years. Yes, but not in a showy way ('you are going to meet a man with dark hair, and he will sell you a car'), but in a way that often left people in tears. A lady asked me to do them, and it suddenly came into my head that she was adopted. Never met her before, asked her no questions (I'm so painfully shy I don't even look at the person). I wonder if it's a sort of telepathy sort of thing.. People did used to come back for years, until I had DD1. But I never charged people.
As you may know I was brought up in a Pagan household (if you can guess from facebook), so as I was growing up everyone read Tarot. I thought I'd read mine everyday, but never did. I realised that relying on some cards, was not really living. I'm glad I didn't read them when pregnant with Tamsin, but I still guessed something was going to go wrong :(

Not going to toddler group today. I had an email telling me that my Body Shop package should be arriving (have a blast into the past and want White Musk - the signature of my teenage years - somehow regressing seems comforting). DD1 is happy as she'll get to play in the garden, and she loves being outside, like her dad, whereas I avoid the sun at all costs.

DS phoned (he had a great time in Cornwall, his grandparents met his GF; all that worrying for nothing). He's thinking of moving to Buckingham, which I'm not too sure about, as it's not that near :(

I thought long & hard before posting this, but I can't post on facebook (and to be honest can't talk openly on there anyway), as both my mum & sister are my friends on there, and we share mutual friends, my friends in RL don't seem to have much time for me since Tamsin died (I can't believe that losing her has meant that I'm bad company now) - so I have nowhere else.

I'm really looking for someone to tell me I'm being an unreasonable, selfish cow. I know this already, but it's not stopping the tears from falling, so I need a kick up the jackzi.

We were having a lovely time in the garden, DD1 on her swing. I phoned my mum to tell her that DD1 had asked "when's nanny come?", so thought she'd like to know. She said "sorry can't talk, Dsis has real problems, and I mean real problems, not like you and the baby, so we're trying to sort her out".

This is a direct quote, as the words are etched on my mind, and I'm not in anyway mistaken.

The problem is my Dsis (who I explained on my thread is going through a divorce), had a letter from the school telling her they were contacting social services. They had a meeting there this morning, with a social worker, headteacher, Dsis & mum. They are concerned that my nephew (10) isn't being looked after properly.

I understand, I really do, that this needs sorting. I just feel so - insulted? - that mum thinks this is a real problem, compared to Tamsin. I guess she's right, Tamsin is dead, no one can do anything for her, and I guess it's expected that I should be back to normal by now. But this has just cut me to shreds inside - the comparison.

I get a bit pissed off with Dsis anyway. When I was in hospital having Tamsin, my mum would phone, asking how long we'd be in for, as Dsis wanted mum to look after DN. It got to the point that the midwives even got angry with her, saying she shouldn't have agreed to look after DD1, if she was going to pester me at that time.

I am being unreasonable aren't I? I just don't understand why my mum saying that Dsis's problems are real compared to "you & the baby", has upset me so much

Oh tami if your mum did mean you and Tamsin then she is being inexplicably cruel. But when I first read it I read 'you and the baby' as the baby being dd1 who had asked for Nanny to come not you and Tamsin. As in I can't come and see you and the baby (dd1) as I'm trying to sort our your sisters problems.

I may be way off the mark and I do remember your sister making it difficult for you to stay with your mum in the early days. You poor thing I really hope she didn't mean you and Tamsin as I'm not sure how much more 'real' a problem there is than losing your child. Hugs xx

Whatever thank you, you are probably right. I guess that as Tamsin is always in my thoughts, and DD1 is not a baby as such now, that she was referring to Tamsin. I guess I'd have preferred it if she'd just said "sorry we're busy, Dsis has some problems we need to sort out" I'd have understood, I just wish she'd not said that. It makes no sense to mention real problems at all, iyswim, as I wasn't phoning with a problem (and never bother to anymore anyway). It just shocked me, I'm being unreasonable I know it, it was just the turn of phrase that got me xx

Tami, I hope Whatever is right and that your Mum was referring to dd1. The alternative would be just too cruel. I can understand, under the circumstances that she wants to be there for her grandson but she could have phrased it better.

everlong how are you? Come away from that thread and stay here with us and have a

Everlong....have been keeping my eye on that thread most of the day. I want to post on it....you know that I will always support you - I hope you do. BUT I cant find the right words to say to be totally honest. I am afraid to open 'my big gob' because I know sarcasm and nastiness will pour out of it. I just wanted you to know that there are, have been and always will be the 'strange ones' on MN who just dont 'get it' - they really dont!! There are the ones who make Mount Everest out of a molehill...they seem to be afaid of bereaved Mums and make snide comments. Just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you xxxx

Private messaging you as well Everlong? OH FFS I know who it is who needs to get a grip and it is not you my love. Tell them to.......tell them to......better not my Mam will slap the back of my legs if she hears me swearing!!

Haven't seen the thread Everlong but am really hoping it's not about the subject I think and if it is that how f'ing dare someone cowardly PM you to berate you