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Bereavement

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"Too Beautiful for Earth" For Sylvie-Rose and all our Angel Children

905 replies

chipmonkey · 16/03/2012 21:55

For my darling Sylvie-Rose, taken from us just seven weeks after you were born. Too beautiful for this earth but I so wish you could have stayed nonetheless.
And for all the Mums walking this tough path. Let us link arms along the way and not be defeated by the cruel blow life has dealt us.

OP posts:
lavandes · 25/03/2012 21:57

I was 16 when we met, 18 when we got engaged (I still love my ring, garnet and diamonds, cost £17 took ages to save up for) got married when I was 20, had eldest son when I was 21 nearly 22, had Richard when I was 23 nearly 24. Dh is nearly 4 yrs older than me. We have been through so much and are still together. We have just had our Ruby wedding anniversary (another ring) and are still together, despite massive spectalular bust-ups. I think we need eachother. We seem to know what the other is thinking x

chipmonkey · 25/03/2012 22:27

Proper soulmates, lavandes.

OP posts:
lavandes · 25/03/2012 22:39

I don't really know what soulmates are but we are still here, sometimes I don't think we will make it, the grief is so difficult. but we seem to get through till tomorrow IYKWIM x

lumpsdumps · 25/03/2012 22:57

Just catching up with everyone, we have been away for a few days together, getting our heads together. Hope everyone is well xx

chipmonkey · 25/03/2012 23:11

Hi lumps, I was just wondering about you. Glad to see you back.

OP posts:
MiaAlexandrasmummy · 25/03/2012 23:13

hello lumps I hope the sunny weather and the time away with your partner was a peaceful time for you both.

Whatevertheweather · 25/03/2012 23:16

Hope you've had a peaceful break lumps

Tamisara · 25/03/2012 23:58

lumps, I am so pleased you've come back to us. I'm glad you had some time away, and hope the break did you some good (((hugs))) xx

lavandes · 26/03/2012 07:40

Morning ladies xx

everlong · 26/03/2012 08:01

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travellingwilbury · 26/03/2012 09:02

Good morning all x

shabbapinkfrog · 26/03/2012 09:37

Morning.

shabbapinkfrog · 26/03/2012 10:15
everlong · 26/03/2012 10:42

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shabbapinkfrog · 26/03/2012 10:50

Feel - Robbie Williams. I love the line 'I sit and talk to God...and he just laughs at my plans....my head speaks a language I dont understand.

everlong · 26/03/2012 11:43

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Tamisara · 26/03/2012 15:39

Good choice shabs, I'd forgotten that, though "you think that I'm strong, you're wrong, you're wrong" sums up how I feel most days (Mr Williams really is very eloquent)

This is the one that really stabs at my heart right now

It may seem an odd choice, as Christina (in the video at least) is singing about her late father, but some of the lines are so poignant. I think the line "I hurt myself, by hurting you", goes so deep. I do feel that I hurt myself by hurting Tamsin. It was my body that failed her, that failed to keep her safe, and that song expresses it so well.

We've got a junior bed for DD1, and that means that DH is selling the gliding crib (which currently resides in her room). I'm inexplicably heartbroken over it. I don't want it to go. I understand the space issues, but I just can't bear to part with it.

I know that everyone would think me mad, to even contemplate another pregnancy, and I can understand that. But even so I can't bear thinking "this is it". God, how uselessly pathetic am I?

everlong · 26/03/2012 15:58

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Tamisara · 26/03/2012 16:35

everlong yes that's a good idea :) I just panicked when he started taking photos of it. They have tons of Dsis's things there, so my crib shouldn't take up much space. When I bought it for DD1 it was quite expensive, but when I checked the resale prices on Ebay recently, I've found that they're going for really silly money, despite being so expensive new.

I've been thinking a lot about music since shabs post this morning. It really does have the most powerful effect on me emotionally. I listen (sometimes when I'm brave) to the songs I listened to when pregnant with Tamsin... songs from when I was 'safe'. Before I'd been invited to this thread from my own (and would have been far too scared to even look at this section to be honest). I could have stayed in the other sections, such as 'relationships', complaining - and failing - to change anything, like so many other posters. But fate stopped me from being 'safe' and brought me here.

Even listening to upbeat music, such as Mika, can induce tears. I cannot listen to Eva Cassidy's Somewhere Over The Rainbow, or Brahm's Lullaby anymore (they were Tamsin's funeral songs; doesn't help that DD1's light show has the lullaby as one of the tunes).

I feel more sad that I can't easily show her photos. A friend of mine, commented how "tasteful" my facebook profile is, as it doesn't show more than her hand. I'd never even considered that I should be 'tasteful' till she said that, I blithely assumed that all my friends would want to see photos of her. Even those who have only say "hmm", never anything nice.

I've got some photos that no one has seen, except DH. They were probably the worst photos I took. They were when her eyes were slightly open, and you could see the brightest, most beautiful blue. Truly stunning. I love those photos, but I can see to others they would be morbid, which saddens me so much. She's not scary, she's my baby. How can she elicit horror from others (by this I mean my mum, refused to look at them).

Tamisara · 26/03/2012 16:36

By "worse photos I took", I mean to other people. I wanted to capture her, so that I would never forget. Not the worse to me, but because they're close up, and her eyelids had started to peel, they're not 'aesthetically' pleasing.

CazBX · 26/03/2012 17:23

Music is so poignant isn't it? Stirs the biggest of emotions. We had classical music playing for us to walk in and out too and I cannot listen to them without finding myself in floods. I haven't even tried listening to them since her birthday. It puts me back there, walking down the aisle in the church for all the wrong reasons. We chose children's hymns to sing in her funeral service, it hasn't happened yet, but working in a school and being involved with church it is likely they will be sung at some point. I will dissolve I'm sure of it.

I know what you mean about photographs. Of course I chose all the 'best' one of Anabelle to put on FB and around the house too. But I've shown off her face on there, my blog etc, I thought why the hell should I not? It's very personal to us all though, that was the right thing to do for me, and it is equally the right thing to do if you decide not to show photographs too.

Lots of people have seen all of them though. Some where like you says her skin is peeling and looks red raw only close family and best friend have seen. My favourite photograph of all isn't on FB, We're having skin to skin (covered by a sheet) as we would've if she'd been alive. That photograph is mine to treasure and not for sharing. Not on FB at least.

I'm not sure I like what your friend said about tasteful though tami although I cannot quite put my finger on why. She is trying to be kind I think, but it almost sounds unkind to me. I wrote a ranty blog post of photographs a long while ago.

Whatevertheweather · 26/03/2012 17:38

I've never posted any photographs of Erin on fb. Not even ones of her hands or feet. Am too scared of peoples reactions, I'd love to share her but would feel awful if people just thought 'urgh a dead baby'. Although in the one of me kissing her fingers her little heart was still beating ever so slowly but still there. Seems funny that you ladies have seen her when even my closest friends haven't.

Like you though Caz we've got pictures with her that our parents and siblings haven't seen. Private pictures just for us including the ones we took of her in her casket just before it was sealed. I haven't listened to her funeral songs ever since the day, it would be too much at the moment. One day.

We had bought Erin a brand new crib Tami it's still in the nursery in the wrapping. I don't know what to do with it. You are not alone in not wanting to sell/donate things. I just know I don't want to use it for the new baby I don't think. We were going to donate it to the funeral home for other babies to rest in but still haven't.

Caz if you don't mind me asking - did you use the things you bought for Belle for X?

everlong · 26/03/2012 17:41

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CazBX · 26/03/2012 17:48

Don't mind you asking at all whatever Yes, we've used all the big things that had originally been bought for Belle. The cot, nursery furniture, pram and carseat and toys we bought for her and all the neutral/white baby clothes he's all worn them now. Some of the toys are a bit pink and he's still using them.If she had lived we would've used it all for a 2nd child, so in my mind it was no different. I'm glad we've used them, and I've enjoyed using them. It is another connection between Belle and Xander. Although finally going in her room, taking the sheets off everything and turning it into a little boys room instead of little girls was very very hard.

Anything we'd borrowed to use for Belle we gave back and bought new for him, so he had a new bath and a new moses basket. So he has had stuff bought for especially for him too iyswim.

All the pink stuff, that was too girly for Xander to use was moved to the attic. I'm not ready to get rid of it, maybe I never will be. Stacks of pink clothes and toys just say up there. If we had another girl one day I would use it though. If our next baby was another boy maybe it'll stay there until grandchildren and then come down for a granddaughter, or maybe it will just stay there forever. I don't know. I don't think there is a rush to get rid. It was hard enough moving it from the nursery into the roof.

frasersmummy · 26/03/2012 18:08

we used all our stuff cot, crib bouncy chair etc

we hadnt got as far as toys except a humphrey elephant, which dh had wrapped up under the xmas tree a few months before , a ball that "went ting " and darcy duck (no longer available) they all went with him when he was buried

i was of the same mind as caz that we would have used the stuff for a second child..
I had thought of the nursery as Frasers room..it was decorated as winnie the pooh and had a tigger on the outside of the door

when we came home from the hospital dh had moved the sticker inside and in its place was a name plate saying Ross's room... I was soo moved

When ross grew up we sold all the stuff excpet the crib, my gran bought it for Fraser and we lost her less than a year after we had ross so we thought it too precious to sell.. its in the loft

The only thing we bought new for Ross was the pram as "it was unlucky" to have the pram in the house before the birth.... " it was ordered but they gave us a refund no problem

Talking of my gran reminds me of a nice story. A lot of people in the family thought my gran was beginning to lose her memory. When I had my first scan with ross she was in hosp (having fallen) so we went to see her in the ward and show her the scan piccie

We told her we hadnt told our parents yet so could she not say anything at visitiing. when we told our folks we said gran knew. Weeks later my dad accused her of forgeting things .. like what she challenged. Well fm is pregnant ..aye I'm aware of that she says.. well you never ask about it cos clearly you have forgotten

Naw came the reply I was told not to tell you... and that order was never changed .. !!!Grin

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