"Too Beautiful for Earth" For Sylvie-Rose and all our Angel Children

[chipmonkey]

For my darling Sylvie-Rose, taken from us just seven weeks after you were born. Too beautiful for this earth but I so wish you could have stayed nonetheless.
And for all the Mums walking this tough path. Let us link arms along the way and not be defeated by the cruel blow life has dealt us.

Whatever (((hugs))) that is awful.

CazBX I don't know, I thought I'd heard people say it, so I felt really that we never had a birth or death certificate, just that piece of paper with 'stillbirth' written at the top.

We're lucky here (if there can be such a thing as luck in that situation), as the hospital gave the registrar's direct number, then they could arrange for you to be seen after the morning session, and not have to sit with the happy, new parents. DH went and registered Tamsin on his own, it was too soon after the caesarean for me to be able to walk around town.

Caz I was just thinking about your name, and realised that if my name was the same format as yours it would be 'BAT' for my children's initials.

Yes dp asked he could go and do it on his own as I was feeling pretty rough after the emcs but as we're not married the mother has to be present.

Off to the sands fundraiser shortly will be thinking if all our angels when we do the balloon release xx

I hope it goes well whatever xx

tami personally Belle's stillbirth certificate means a lot to me. It isn't 'just' a piece of paper at all. It is just as significant as a birth or death certificate, it is HER certificate, her official legal existence in this world. All exactly the same details are on it as if she'd been born alive, to me it is her birth certificate.

I know what you mean Caz, please don't misunderstand, I'm happy to have it to - to prove Tamsin was real; that she existed. It's just the terminology that's so horrible, to say 'stillbirth'. I guess there is no althernative, as a birth certificate would then be fraught with difficulties, and as much angst, but it's just the word, that upsets me. It's such a 'cold' word. It goes along with "pregnancy loss", which the consultant wrote on my repeat lupus anticoagulant blood test form. She was a more or less full-term baby, to see "pregnancy loss" just made her seem so insignificant. I wish they could write something different, less 'clinical' and 'blunt' on the certificate, but then it's just for an entry in a register I guess xx

I think what I meant caz (in my clumsy, train of thought way), was that having a piece of paper, saying just 'stillbirth', and a grave, photos, some worn clothes, etc, is no real consolation, compared to having a real, warm, breathing baby to hold xx

I've written many a blog on my feelings on medical/official terminology, you are right, it is a cold horrible word. Which is why I nearly always say Belle was born sleeping.

I really hope that I haven't upset you Caz, I'm just coming out with the wrong things at the moment. I know what I mean in my head, but it's coming out wrong. I certainly didn't mean to negate the certificates, and it's all I have to 'prove' that Tamsin was real too; it just came out wrong xx

No, I'm ok, you are right, I'm it is no consolation but remember nothing could be. Having two certificates instead of one wouldn't make anything better either. It wouldn't change anything. I think, now after 21 months maybe I'm starting to accept the official terminology for what it is, just that, medical and legal speak. Don't get me wrong I'm still very sensitive to the word in an every day sense but I know it has its place now I guess. I'm struggling to explain what I mean too I think. Let's just leave it there. xx

Believe me, having two certs doesn't make anything better at all. Tami, I think what you are probably looking for is equality for Tamsin, that she gets the same recognition as a baby born breathing. But you know, I really have come to notice that if a new baby dies, whether they were live at birth or not, some ( thankfully not all) people don't seem to recognise that our loss is huge. Like that stupid woman I know who thought that losing her dog compared, or people I've met in the graveyard who thought their loss was greater as they had lost an elderly parent.

Unfortunately it is not considered to be good manners to slap these people around the head with a wet fish, much as we'd like to.

chip I think you have it spot on about the equal recognition.

chip I am not so clear about polite responses being necessary in those situations, but lack the wet fish!! Brilliant image though.

Speaking of terminology, my pet hate remains "how ARE you?' from people who don't actually want to know. And then they speak in the past tense about my love for Mia, which remains so true and real and present every day of my life. She didn't just love me, she loves me now, and she always will - and I love her endlessly.

A couple of people have really pushed me to answer a couple of times, and I lost patience and did tell them. My response was this With everything I do, I have an undercurrent in my head saying "Mia died. My beautiful girl is dead." How do you think I feel? That stopped the questioning, funnily enough.

"Most days, I struggle to get my arse out of bed, my whole day is riddled with feelings of doubt and inadequacy, I spend every minute on the verge of tears, I am in a constant state of panic and fear about the life that lies ahead of me, I am only able to function on the most superficial of levels. But enough about me, how are YOU?"

Mine in those first few months was 'as you might expect' and left it at that. People don't really ask anymore.

But there are some people who ask and the thing about them is that they are desperately hoping we're OK, that we're not totally broken, I see them looking at me, really hoping that they'll see the old me. Because they want me to be OK and they can't bear it that I'm not.

Yet if they engaged their brain for one second, they would realise just how silly that is. As if. But I know what you mean.

Morning girls xx

Morning all!! Feeling very proud of my baby brother today. He has just completed an ironman event in Australia in 11 hours, and i found out that he did the run with a photo of Mia.

Miasmummy That is fantastic. What a lovely, close & supportive family you have. Congratulations to your brother xx

Bit of curve ball, I wasn't expecting. It is with a shiver, that I remember the last clock change, was the same early hours that Tamsin was delivered. It is less that 5 months ago. I'd always assumed that we spend half of the year in GMT or BST, now I realise that we spend more time in BST than in GMT.