Christmas hope - our safe haven thread for bereaved parents.

[shabbapinkfrog]

Hope....for the bereaved parent; even at Christmas, one of the most painful times of the year, there is an essence of hope. Hope....it is hope that sustains us through the days of grief and anger and frustration and loneliness.

The hope that someday the pain of the deaths of our children will be eased. The hope that someday our smiles will be real.

So, it is that for each of you I would hope....peace, compassion, love, sympathy, understanding, sharing and listening. In the sharing of our grief with one another, and in the emotional support we give to one another, we receive and understand all of these gifts.

Remembering my precious sons....and all of your precious children at this difficult time of year.

chip huge sign from your little girl :) How did the nativity play go? Do ds4 do you proud?

karma, I was so proud of him! My other boys have always been a bit "meh" about performing, at least they were at that age. He said all his shepherd lines and sang with gusto! The only annoying thing is that I didn't understand the video app on my i-phone so got barely any footage. I couldn't find the charger for the proper camera earlier.

Bravo ds4 :)

:( for not getting footage xx

karma thank you for sharing the photos of Tamsin - I feel very honoured. Her little hands are so very beautiful.

fm your honesty is tough to read on this side of the "grief chasm", but in my heart, I know you are right. No-one here has pretended otherwise. Just that I am feeling the unbearably heavy weight of my sadness at the moment.

chip Of course you have to buy those lights!! Just like I had to buy Mia's cousin a "Mia" tea set when it came up on my internet searches... hope the nativity play ended in proud smiles for you.

I did find a Christmas star for Mia, but I also found a variety of beautiful handmade pendants, which could be used as tree decorations. The artist makes the pendants from real leaves, then covers them in some sort of silver or gold metals. Totally unique, like our little girl. To us, the bright autumn leaves are very evocative of Mia, so I think I might buy one for each part of the family, so Mia can celebrate with us all.

I told my mother that for the past couple of days, I haven't 'felt' Mia at all. Well, she said, that's because she was with me. (on the other side of the world) Mum had been dreaming about Mia, you see... at least Mia is keeping busy, just like she always did!

FM wise and honest words. Thank you for the insight xx

Miasmummy what a lovely thing for your mum to say. Your Mia is certainly looking out for your whole family. Those pendants sound gorgeous.

Chip glad nativity went well. I loved going to my first one this year. I agree you must get the lights for Sylvie-Rose. I'm sure you've seen it but did you know you can get a rose named after your child here is one place that do it. Someone posted it on fb and it just reminded me of Sylvie-Rose.

Karma Tamsin is so beautiful. Her tiny hands are just perfect.

5.20am I'm so tired but I just can't sleep.

Morning girls xx

Morning,

Thank you for your words fm. I am 10 months down the line with my battle with grief and I do have some good days, whilst remembering Zoe with a smile.

karma Beautiful photos of your precious Tamsin, thank you for sharing.

miasmummy The pendants sound lovely, and a fitting tribute to Mia.

chip Did you buy the lights? I love buying things with Zoe's name on. We have a sesame street bear called Zoe.

I had a tough day yesterday, I had to go the doctors to change my name (recently married) and I bumped into my Midwife, it was lovely talking to her but the feelings and memories came flooding back.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day. x

Morning all. Hoped to wake feeling better but I'm worse! My throat is so painful :( feeling very rough today

X post cheese. I'm sorry you are still feeling so ill, maybe atrip to dr is on the cards for you. Hope you feel better soon, hugs to you.x

Thanks Jane, will see how I get on but dh might pursuade me to see the dr today! 10 months, coming up to the anniversary. I really found the run up harder to deal with than the actual days. Christmas is a time of year that makes everything more difficult too. (hugs) hope today is ok for you xx

Sorry to hear you're still not feeling well Cheese it's definitely going around. Agree with Jane a trip to the doctors might be in order. Take care xx

Morning ladies xx

Sorry you are feeling ill cheese, can you ring your doctor and speak to him and maybe he will prescribe something?

Christmas is so difficult, I remember last Christmas our eldest son and his partner were here, which was great but we invited my husbands family for a day. I remember me , my son and his partner watching them 'from the sidelines' enjoying themselves like it was just the same as any other Christmas. Not one of them even mentioned Richard, I just felt like screaming 'have you forgotten Richard is gone, he is our son and brother, your nephew, it has only been 8 months'. But I didn't I thought 'what's the point they will never get it'. It will be a very long time before I do that again. This year we are going to Australia to spend Chistmas with our son, his partner and their new baby. It will be a total change everything will be different from any other Christmas. I know that I will be taking Richard with me in my heart, but we will be able to get to know our new grandson and enjoy being with them. Remember Christmas is only a few days, it will soon pass. xx

I've called the drs and have an appointment for 12.15 today so we'll see what they think. I need some repeat prescriptions done anyway so at least I'll get those! Couldn't order anymore without seeing them, my needles and test strips.

Not feeling hungry at all, going to stay on the sofa again today and drink lots of hot, decaff tea.

lavandes that must have been so hard. Last year was still a haze for me, the numbness and thoughts of denial were strongest at that point so Christmas was a bit of a blur. My parents were here and granddad and they've been nothing but supportive all the time. Dh's mum was supposed to be spending this Christmas with us too, all arranged last year, for support as we both thought this one might be quite difficult but she couldn't find anyone to look after her dogs sigh

At least my parents and granddad will be here again this year keeping us busy, and my dcs of course. Really looking forward to seeing my granddad, he's coming up from London to stay with my parents on Monday, which is really early for him! He usually comes for a couple of days and then wants to get home again, he very much likes his own space; so this is a real treat. He's in his 80's now too so not getting any younger.

I've been feeling so hormonal lately, like crying at any niceness that people show. It's quite an odd feeling, as I'm usually a very private person in that respect and would do anything to hold back tears until I'm alone. I think because if anyone was kind to me at that point I worry that I just wouldn't be able to stop crying. Sounds odd but it makes sense in my head!

Don't worry about crying cheese I think its better than bottling it up, it must come out. Let your family care for you, I know if you were my daughter I would want to look after you. Spend some quality time with them and maybe it will help you get through the difficult days ahead. You have so much to bear in the coming weeks and you are pregnant. Take it easy and let your family do the hard work. It is lovely that your Grandad will be with you. xxx

I know I should, I don't find it easy at all though with emotions and do tend to let things out when I'm on my own. Everyone does help out at Christmas so it's never just me stuck doing it all, dh is really good as is my mum. Even the kids help when they can :)

When are you off to Australia? Hopefully it will be a nice change for you xx

We are going on Sunday. On Christmas day I was crying on and off all day, I just went into the bedroom for 5 mins. New Years Eve was the worst for me because we had spent the last 5 with Richard. We used to go and stay where he was working (he was a chef, I hope he still is cooking up a storm in heaven) we had some amazing times. I will never be able to sing Auld Lang Syne again. But the grandchildren were there at midnight letting off party poppers, my eldest son understood straight away and took me out of the room, he said 'I know Mum, but the future is in there' how true. xx

Lavandes Australia for christmas sounds like a fab idea. Will be lovely to see your son and grandson and get some sunshine. When are you flying?

Glad you are going to the doctors Cheese. Pregnancy hormones play havoc with your emotions at the best of times let alone now. Be kind to yourself and let your family look after you xx

Poor dp had a really big cry last night after watching the adoption programme on BBC. It stirred up a lot of emotions from when he was fostered at 8 and about Erin. Think it actually did us both some good to have a really good cry together, something we haven't done for a long time. I've been feeling really numb like I'm on autopilot so it was good in a way to let it all out. Quite cathartic.

Right must stop fannying around on mn procrastinating and get on with wrapping Katie's presents. Can't believe she's done a whole term at school. It's all passed by in such a blur I can barely remember her first day

lavandes it must be very bittersweet for you but I do hope you enjoy your time there, something to focus on as well as I think it should be hot there now? That will be an experience! I hadn't really thought about new years eve, we'll just be staying in the the dcs and hopefully see in the new year. Your son sounds lovely and very understanding. xxx

whatever I'm glad you had a good cry, it does help at times. I found the numbness took a long time to go, it gradually sunk in, bit by bit. Even now sometimes I think, did that really happen? But not in the same way as before, before I would pray and beg that I would wake up and it was all a dream and just sob but, of course, I never did. Slowly it became a realisation that Scarlett was gone and that this was life now.

My ds2, Ethan, started school this year but he was off for 7 weeks after breaking his foot just a few days into it! He's only just really getting used to it all properly now. Hope you get the presents done. We're going to take some flowers and maybe a little teddy to Scarlett on Christmas day, I couldn't go last year (dh did) but I feel it's right to now. xxx

Well it should be boiling hot in Sydney at the moment, but it isn't, their hot summer is late. That is ideal for me, I was not looking forward to the intense heat. I really think someone is looking out for me. Can't wait to see them. xx

Oh Lavendes - it sounds wonderful. The first year after Matt was killed we went to Teneriffe for Christmas. It was a major escape. I dont remember speaking to many people. I just remember sat on the beach on Xmas Day.....we had cold bottles of beer and chicken sandwiches for our dinner. Sat there in silence, soaking up the warm sunshine. If I remember rightly Danny also had a bottle of beer - he was almost 11. It didn't take the sadness or longing away but it was perfect to be in a 'bubble' xxxxx I hate New Years Eve. That was my 'third day' after my twin boys were born in 1981. You know that third day....touch of the baby blues and milk arriving!!! I remember sobbing all night in that bloody hospital. My Danny in a crib at the side of my bed and My Gareth 5 miles away in the local childrens hospital bloody hate New Years eve...will probably be spending it with my best friend Chelle...getting a bit tiddly, reminiscing and singing very loudly xx

cheese sorry to hear you are feeling so rough.

fm I think you summed it up perfectly too. My grief has definitely shifted, its not like the early days all the time, I dont cry every day, but I think of Belle multiple times a day, I say her name every day. yes once a month on average I have a huge wobble but it is not constant anymore. this time last year I would never have believed how far we have come, but I know I'm different forever and this may be as good as it gets.

karma the photos of tamsin are beautiful. I've added you on fb. (initials CM) it took me a while, but I eventually added quite a few photos of Belle to fb. She was born 5 days after she died. x

Good afternoon, ladies. karma, I have added you as well. I am weird Irish name lady.

karma, have added you on FB too. I will be easy to figure out.

lavandes Christmas in Australia is great. So think summer dresses but all the normal wintery Christmas food from here, except sprouts... strange, but it works! (I was there last year with my family, proudly introducing them to Mia - so it is just impossible to think of returning again this year, instead I am hoping we find our 'bubble' like shabba did)

cheese do look after yourself, we are concerned here!

Trying to be more positive today. While I haven't made it outside, I have been busy on emails and online shopping, and chatting with family about Mia's Christmas leaf, so feel productive. Have decided that inaction and a lack of structure and routine is really messing with my head, so I will be going to a college governors' meeting tonight, and facing strangers for the first time. It will be hard, but also hoping that I might be able to find some useful task I can do for them as they are move to become a university. Not really sure what that might be, but hoping that some free advice / research / strategy might be good for them, and helpful to me too.

cheese hope the doctors went OK? xx

lavandes hope you have a lovely time in Australia, and enjoy the time with your son & grandchild xx

miasmummy I'm glad you're feeling more positive, and hope that this evening goes OK xx

I met a friend for coffee - her daughter is the same age as DD1 - and had a great time. The first time I'd had a coffee uptown since Tamsin.

DD1 had a great time, loved cuddling her friend, and they went on a carousel ride. I felt OK enough to do some christmas shopping - and then, in Boots, a newborn baby cried - and so did I. A wonderful stranger mopped my tears, but they were still present in Sainsbury's, where the manager (who I vaguely know, but haven't seen since I had Tamsin), came up. She offered me a chair & a cup of tea! I then bumped into a cashier, who my dad had told, and she said "you can still have more babies, chin up it's christmas next week)... didn't feel like saying what I was thinking, and just smiled.

We then went up the cemetery, and despite no rain, there was a bright rainbow, that stayed until we left - I can't help but feel that was a little sign.

(((hugs))) to you all

Hold onto those signs karma xx