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Bereavement

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Original poster

Christmas hope - our safe haven thread for bereaved parents.

993 replies

shabbapinkfrog · 11/12/2011 13:54

Hope....for the bereaved parent; even at Christmas, one of the most painful times of the year, there is an essence of hope. Hope....it is hope that sustains us through the days of grief and anger and frustration and loneliness.

The hope that someday the pain of the deaths of our children will be eased. The hope that someday our smiles will be real.

So, it is that for each of you I would hope....peace, compassion, love, sympathy, understanding, sharing and listening. In the sharing of our grief with one another, and in the emotional support we give to one another, we receive and understand all of these gifts.

Remembering my precious sons....and all of your precious children at this difficult time of year.

OP posts:
lavandes · 14/12/2011 10:50

Hi karma I use Asda online and they are brilliant here. I started before my son died. Even with the delivery charge I find I don't spend as much because I only get what I need and am not picking up random stuff. You can start a shop and go on and add or take off things until 10.00pm the night before delivery. I still go to the butcher for meat and we go to the market for most of the veg. I had a massive panic attack in the Co-op last Christmas, I had to leave the shopping on the belt and leave. BUT I did go back later and managed to finish shopping. You are in such early days at the moment just do what you need to get through each day.xx

chipmonkey · 14/12/2011 12:27

Oh WTW, poor Kate! If only Santa could bring all our babies back.

kirstymh · 14/12/2011 12:46

Thomas died on 27th September and was born on 1st October. I always consider the 1st October as the day we lost him as that is when I had to let go.

We wont be doing any cards or presents this year for Christmas. Thomas was due on the 31st December so I just want to hide away from the world for a while to get through it all.

Its just me and my partner (and two crazy dogs) so we are able to spend Christmas day and New Years Eve quietly together. We do plan to release some angel balloons that I have ordered on New Years Eve. We sort of want to mark the day by doing something in memory of Thomas and the balloons are beautiful.

Unfortunately I have turned into a bit of a cow (ooops!) I have absolutely no time or patience for people that upset or annoy me and I refuse to waste my time or energy getting upset by things they say. I have had to deal with some particularly nasty 'friends' who thought they could gossip about my son and then tell me the gossip 6 days after he was born. People's insensitivity amazes me sometimes and does make me wonder how people like that get through each day without getting punched on the nose!!

CheeseandGherkins · 14/12/2011 12:47

Poor Erin :( When we had our cake for Scarlett's birthday last week dd1 (9 nearly 10) said she wished that Scarlett had never died for her blowing the candle out wish. Ds2 (4) has taken to coming and giving me lots of hugs and kisses, then kissing the baby inside me and then blowing kisses up to heaven for Scarlett, he's so sweet. Ds1 always asks about the baby and mentions Scarlett too. It's nice, children are so honest and say what comes into their heads so Scarlett is still spoken about a lot whereas not by other people.

frasersmummy · 14/12/2011 14:31

Hey Kirsty

Its almost 8 years since Fraser was stillborn and yes I have got my cheeky, loud , chatty personality back but on the flip side of this ..yes I always feel different

When we do something as a family I always think about Fraser being missing and know that other parents dont have this thought
I also have terrible flashbacks to the scan image with no heartbeart ..... these days its no so often but when it does happen its clear as day in my head and reduces me to tears even now

In the years to come sweetheart you will realise that yes life has changed irrevocably and forever but you will have adjusted to your new normality and are actually finding things to smile about

You will never forget Thomas .. there will always be 3 of you in the family.. one day there may be 4 or even 5 but for now there are are 3 of you

I like that fact that you thnk of thomas's b/day as the day you lost him .... I torture myself for 3 days .. the day we found there was no heartbeat, his b/day and the day in between. What you do makes sense

You will hide this year, there will be loads of tears and anger. You will get through
and eventually you will go back to being chatty and loud .. well at least on the outside

CheeseandGherkins · 14/12/2011 14:38

FM I'm the same as you. We have the day she died, then 4 days of waiting and then the day she was born. Both dates are significant to me and I remember it all so well.

karmathreefold · 14/12/2011 16:01

Is it normal to feel almost more sad as time goes by?

The initial shock of Tamsin's death has passed (I think), and I've sort of accepted she's not coming back.

I just feel sadder now. It's 6 weeks, and (as I said earlier), friends have started to act as if I should be 'over' it now... and I'm so, so not.

I just keep crying, and wanting to scream.

I think of her all alone in the cold & dard - and I hate the dark. Her poor little perfect hands, face & body, all being cold... I want to rescue her.

Why am I feeling this way?

Like you Kirsty FM and cheese I found out Tamsin had died before she was born, I found out Tuesday night, and she was born on Sunday, and I'm so angry they left it so long, and now the photos I want to proudly show everyone, are tainted - and I can't show them, as I want to protect Tamsin, and not have some people freak out. Yet I ache to show them - I can look beyond the peeled eyelids; the dark lips; the tear on her cheek & neck (where her cord was), but others won't, and for that I'm so sad.

Tamsin's birthday will always be 30th October to me, as I'm not sure when she actually died - I really, really hope it was Tuesday, but now torture myself with trying to remember when I last felt her move, I feel such a failure

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 14/12/2011 16:31

karma I can relate exactly to what you saying, going through the same deepening sadness at the moment. Also obsessing about Mia's chubby little hands...

karmathreefold · 14/12/2011 17:13

miasmummy ((())) I was thinking of Mia today - I know I didn't know her, but I was thinking of her beautiful little face from her photos, when pondering all the wasteful loss on this (and other) threads - and had a few tears for all the babes, and your Mia, hope you don't mind me saying xx

chipmonkey · 14/12/2011 17:26

I think when it happens first, we are more shocked than sad and then when the shock wears off we feel the sadness.

Am looking for smily vibes to be sent my way. Sitting waiting for ds4's nativity play to start and feeling distinctly teary and not in a good way!

karmathreefold · 14/12/2011 17:44

Aww chip ((())) I really hope that you can at least gain some pleasure from the play. Sylvie-Rose was/is very beautiful.

I really want to post photos of Tamsin, but worry - as I said before - as it's public, and I want to protect her.

Thinking of you chip, hope ds4 does well & enjoys it xx

CheeseandGherkins · 14/12/2011 17:47

karma I have some photos of Scarlett linked on my profile, she had peeling due to being inside me for 4 days before being born. I chose to wait though, I couldn't handle being induced any earlier.

chip I totally agree with that, shock and denial was how I felt for many weeks, even months. The real sadness and grief took a little longer to come through, the sheer horror of the situation.

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 14/12/2011 18:00

chip a huge wave of smiley vibe heading your way!!

karma always will be happy if others think of my beautiful Mia. I thought of Tamsin too, yesterday, when I saw an amazing rainbow.

Ok, off to find a beautiful Christmas star for Mia. Hope the crowds are thinned and strollers are on the way home...

karmathreefold · 14/12/2011 19:14

www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.2657939451815.2157465.1355757007&type=3

These are the photos of Tamsin that I've felt able to share on facebook, none of her face, but right now I have trouble looking at her photos without breaking down xx

karmathreefold · 14/12/2011 19:15

Don't think that link will work

www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.2657939451815.2157465.1355757007&type=3

karmathreefold · 14/12/2011 19:15

www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.2657939451815.2157465.1355757007&type=3

Hope it works this time xx

CheeseandGherkins · 14/12/2011 19:20

Karma the photos are beautiful (hugs) I know what you mean about breaking down looking at photos. I still have that now a year on. It's very difficult xx

Mia hope you find a lovely christmas star xx

karmathreefold · 14/12/2011 19:22

Think you may need to be logged into facebook to see it

karmathreefold · 14/12/2011 19:23

Oops cross posted with you cheese, thanks for confirming it works xx

kirstymh · 14/12/2011 19:33

karma the photos are beautiful

frasersmummy · 14/12/2011 20:30

I dont want to upset you guys but honestly you arent going to be "over" the death of your child in weeks or months

Yes in a few short weeks for everyone else the moment has passed and life has moved on and that unfortunately is a really really low point. Your life has changed completely and forever and yet everything and everyone carries on as it was before and it leaves you alone, bereft and thinking should I have moved on? .. I cant move on! .. why cant people see this hurts like hell.
I was still crying months later... I had fraser in the april .. went back to work july and remember telling my bestest friend that I still couldnt get thru the day without crying at least once
i hate to say it but really it does take years to return to normality.. its never going to be the same but there will be a new normality..one where you have a happy day to day existence and can plan ahead. That doesnt mean you forget your precious child you just learn to live with the fact that they are not with you

Unfortunately there are no magic wands, nothing anyone can say or do to make the process easier or quicker...
I know all those of you who are newly bereaved are sat there thinking years??? years????? I dont want to be feeling like this for years... you wont be.. it will get easier very very slowly day by day. In the meantime reward yourself for the little things eg getting through the morning without tears, buying xmas cards without tears in public etc

Then one day you will think .. I got thru yesterday without crying ..
one step at a time guys one step at a time

Original poster
shabbapinkfrog · 14/12/2011 21:54

FM - think your words sum it up perfectly. xxxxx

OP posts:
Moominsarescary · 14/12/2011 22:05

Hi everyone xx

chipmonkey · 14/12/2011 22:17

fm, I feel that I will never get over it at all. But my aunt who lost two of her children wrote me a lovely letter shortly after Sylvie-Rose died saying that you never get over it but that it does get easier to bear. And I do know that she is able to speak about her sons without crying.

Oddly enough, today, a client rang looking for an appointment for her son. She asked how many dc's I have and I mentioned Sylvie-Rose along with the others. And got the poor lady crying!Blush She lost a baby 6 years agoSad And then I felt terrible for upsetting her. But she fully understood when I said I couldn't leave Sylvie-Rose out.

chipmonkey · 14/12/2011 22:46

Oh, forgot to mention. I was looking for solar lights for Sylvie-Rose's grave and I found one in the shape of a flower. Only one person has reviewed it and her name is.......Sylvie! I have to buy it, don't I?