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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Christmas hope - our safe haven thread for bereaved parents.

993 replies

shabbapinkfrog · 11/12/2011 13:54

Hope....for the bereaved parent; even at Christmas, one of the most painful times of the year, there is an essence of hope. Hope....it is hope that sustains us through the days of grief and anger and frustration and loneliness.

The hope that someday the pain of the deaths of our children will be eased. The hope that someday our smiles will be real.

So, it is that for each of you I would hope....peace, compassion, love, sympathy, understanding, sharing and listening. In the sharing of our grief with one another, and in the emotional support we give to one another, we receive and understand all of these gifts.

Remembering my precious sons....and all of your precious children at this difficult time of year.

OP posts:
Whatevertheweather · 13/12/2011 15:54

Cheers for Shabba! x

chipmonkey · 13/12/2011 16:44

Well done, shabba! I have decided to go to a neighbouring town to finish my Christmas shopping. I don't know anyone there so if I have a tearful wobble, at least I won't bump into a neighbour!

frasersmummy · 13/12/2011 17:32

i knew you could it shabs.. well done you

I have seen my gp and he has given me something to help me sleep so that will allow me to cope better during the day
He has also signed me off till xmas which suprised me .. i said just need 2/3 days ..
You cant deal with xmas, ross , work and find time to grieve .. you really cant fm.. so I guess that will give me space to get my head in place for xmas etc

janedoe25 · 13/12/2011 17:46

Well done shabs.

fm Your dr is right, you need time to grieve. I hope you manage a sleep tonight. x

Everlong · 13/12/2011 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatevertheweather · 13/12/2011 18:30

Glad your gp was understanding fm You do need time xx

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 13/12/2011 21:08

fm echo whatever's words, so glad you have a GP who is human and sensible (well, you know what I mean)

shabba you are my pin-up! (feeling wimpy - stayed in house all day as could not face crowds, weather and Christmas cheer)

blue so glad the house move is going well for me.

Does anyone have a cure for the physical sickness that grief brings?? Aside from the obvious, of course. My insides are hurting so much, missing Mia.

Everlong · 13/12/2011 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
shabbapinkfrog · 14/12/2011 06:26

Morning girls xx

OP posts:
CheeseandGherkins · 14/12/2011 07:33

Morning. Caught a bug from ds2 and feel crap, been awake too long too! Bloody throat xx

janedoe25 · 14/12/2011 07:38

cheese get well soon. xx

Whatevertheweather · 14/12/2011 08:25

Morning all!

Hope you feel better soon Cheese. Rest if you can. How did your appt go yesterday?

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 14/12/2011 08:47

cheese just seen the photos of the gorgeous MN blanket heading your way. Hope it arrives soon so you can snuggle down into it and get better!

lavandes · 14/12/2011 09:44

Morning ladies xx

Take it easy Cheese xx

Well done shabs. I hate shopping now, I am scared of being in a queue in case I get a panic attack. I do my big shop online. I find I don't spend as much and I don't forget things. xx

kirstymh · 14/12/2011 09:48

Morning.

Sorry I dont post very often....Im the one sitting in the corner with a cup of coffee and packet of choccy biscuits listening to the conversation rather than joining in.

I used to be quite chatty and talkative but since Thomas died I have withdrawn more and more. I talk to my bereavement midwife and counsellor - as I am a carer for my partner the NHS were very quick to provide me with the support I needed thankfully, so I dont bottle things up.

I just had a question...well something I was curious about really. For those of you that have been walking this road for some time....do you ever start to feel like your old self again or do you always feel different? I dont know if that makes sense. I am just wondering if I will ever get back to being 'me' It feels like a lot of my family and friends are expecting me to be back to the fun-loving party person I used to be, especially in the run up to Christmas, and I dont know if I will ever be the same person again :(

Original poster
shabbapinkfrog · 14/12/2011 10:05

I, personally, see the old Shabbs every now and then. I am Shabbs with my best friends. BUT now it is an effort to be the old Shabbs....and I have to confess I need a couple of drinks before I can. I am different now - I am much stronger, much more compassionate, much more caring, and much weaker...if any of that makes any sense.

I think I am the best Mum I can be and I hope I am the best Grandma to my precious grandson. I am, and always and forever will be, Mum to Daniel, Gareth, Matthew and Thomas. Its been a long hard road but I am getting 'there' wherever the hell 'there' is xxx

OP posts:
kirstymh · 14/12/2011 10:13

Thank you Shabbs. And from reading your previous posts I am sure that all of your boys must be very proud of their Mum

karmathreefold · 14/12/2011 10:20

lavandes I get panic attacks when out, I'd not thought about shopping online - it's a good idea x

kirsty how long ago did you lose Thomas? I lost Tamsin 6 weeks ago, and am trying to guage where I should be too x

shabba You must be so brave, with what you've been through, looking at your profile is heartbreaking xx Your children are all beautiful, and your grandson is so adorable.

I feel that I'm becoming horrible at times, I have less time for some people, but at the same time I've lost an argumentative steak I had, when someone annoyed me I used to have the most awful temper (not violent), and had to win every argument, but now I just can't be bothered, I feel as though Tamsin has imparted some patience into me - I know how crazy that must sound. xx

CheeseandGherkins · 14/12/2011 10:21

Thanks, taking it easy today and resting. Whatever it all went well thank you, baby is measuring bigger but they expected that with the gestational diabetes. I have clinic on Friday and then another growth scan the Friday after and then they're going to start doing ctgs which will be better.

lavandes I get that with queues on and off, I used to struggle a lot and not be able to get out and do any shopping at all but I'm ok most of the time now. Those panicky feelings are really horrible.

Mia it's so beautiful and I'm really looking forward to receiving it!

kirsty hi, I'm also a carer for my husband. He's currently having bereavement counselling which is really helping him, he bottled everything up whereas I was the opposite. Talking was the thing that really made a difference to me.

Shabs that makes such perfect sense. I often feel more vulnerable now too

I've been really struggling with my insulin injections the past few days, I tried 10 times this morning and got very frustrated with it all before managing to inject. I've been doing it for about 13 weeks now too but I still have off days.

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 14/12/2011 10:22

everlong thanks for the advice about the ignatia. It is awful feeling so terrible all the time, and some relief would be nice. Walks, activities and general busy-ness do help, but I just feel like I have a huge, heavy stone inside me.

shabba thanks for that, I have also been wondering. I know that you and everlong keep telling me that it is possible to continue with life, and you encourage me with your words and own actions, and that we can be happy again, even though we will never forget our beautiful children. Of course Mia has changed my life profoundly, but so much of my happiness has been wrapped in her, and it is almost impossible to imagine that this grief will recede into something manageable and beautiful.

karmathreefold · 14/12/2011 10:26

I meant to ask - I really don't feel up to sending Christmas cards this year, not to be horrible, but I really don't feel like it, and am only celebrating it as DD1 is only 18 months old, and it's unfair to her not to.

Tamsin's birth will be exactly 8 weeks to the day on Christmas, and it will be so hard. We usually go to my parents for an hour (DH hates it and presses me to leave), but this year I don't feel like going anywhere, and wish my parents would come here for an hour or two. It's the first time in 41yrs that I don't want to go to my parent's house.

I also don't really feel like buying presents for anyone other than DD1 & DS, but my family always go OTT, so it's hard.

I really only have on here, or my HV to talk to. The bereavement midwife doesn't contact me much, and my friends have all now started taking to me about their problems now (which seem so stupidly trivial to me). I've always been a really good listener, and shoulder to cry on (and a whinger online lol), and it's apparent they now think I've 'moved on', which is hard.

CheeseandGherkins · 14/12/2011 10:33

karma Scarlett died 3 weeks and 2 days before Christmas last year and then was born 4 days later, no way was I up to sending cards. I didn't even consider it, I just didn't do it. It's ok to do, or not do, whatever you feel like. My parents and grandad came here on Christmas day for dinner as usual and I had the dcs and dh obviously here also but I did nothing on the day. I'd planned to do dinner and everything but I sat on the sofa and just didn't/couldn't move.

Dh started dinner and when my mum arrived asked her to help, which she did gladly. It wasn't much of a Christmas but we tried our best for the children. This year feels a lot different. I relied on MN heavily for support and to talk, it's helped me so much as I felt able to talk more freely and really say how I felt. If we hadn't bought all the presents before she died then nothing would have been bought other than for the dcs either, we had a few left unwrapped for dh's family and they remained that way.

chipmonkey · 14/12/2011 10:36

karma, I'm in Ireland and here it's traditional not to send Christmas cards the year you have been bereaved. Not sure if there's any such tradition in the UK but people will understand if they don't get a card. Or if they don't understand, then they're probably not worth knowing.
Don't feel pressurised into going anywhere. Talk to your Mum now and explain that you don't feel up to celebrating and ask her if she and your Dad could pop over to you. If she won't, then don't feel you have to go to her. Your dd1 is very young and will be happy with a couple of presents and probably won't care what she has for lunch.

Whatevertheweather · 14/12/2011 10:41

Oh Christmas is so bloody chuffin hard. Katie asked this morning if Santa could bring Erin back. She said she'd rather have that than a Lalaloopsy doll Sad

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 14/12/2011 10:41

Karma, I think you have to be honest with your family, and say that you would like to be at home this year, and that presents for your children are all you can manage.

Mia will be gone for exactly two months on Christmas Eve. That will be a hard day. I haven't even considered Christmas cards - what am I going to say in them? We aren't celebrating Christmas either, as we are going away. Fortunately, the rest of the family were happy to go along with whatever we decided. I have bought presents for them all, although I must admit, there wasn't as much care in them as usual.