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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Christmas hope - our safe haven thread for bereaved parents.

993 replies

shabbapinkfrog · 11/12/2011 13:54

Hope....for the bereaved parent; even at Christmas, one of the most painful times of the year, there is an essence of hope. Hope....it is hope that sustains us through the days of grief and anger and frustration and loneliness.

The hope that someday the pain of the deaths of our children will be eased. The hope that someday our smiles will be real.

So, it is that for each of you I would hope....peace, compassion, love, sympathy, understanding, sharing and listening. In the sharing of our grief with one another, and in the emotional support we give to one another, we receive and understand all of these gifts.

Remembering my precious sons....and all of your precious children at this difficult time of year.

OP posts:
accidentprawn · 01/02/2012 16:52

evening girls!
how are you all today???
TW glad you had a brilliant day!

travellingwilbury · 01/02/2012 17:15

Hello all , I am having a tough time of it at work atm , I can't say too much about the details but having to see the pain in someone else's face is taking me to places I don't want to be . That rawness and just knowing that they are only a stroke of an arm away from completely breaking is so hard .

I think it may well be beer o clock soon x

accidentprawn · 01/02/2012 17:24

oh, tw. Work is driving me potty atm aswell! ( but teaching all day is hard and some students are not what i call nice)

someone said this to me this the other week and it made me smile: " do what makes you happy, be with those who make it happy, Laugh as much as you smile, smile as much as you laugh and love as long as you live." it has turned into my motto at the moment, it seems to be one of the things that is keeping me motivated.

chipmonkey · 01/02/2012 18:41

The Pain of Loss

Nothing can fill the gap when we are away from those we love, and it would be wrong
To try to find anything. We must simply hold out and win through. That sounds
Very hard at first, but at the same time it is a consolation, since leaving
The gap unfilled preserves the bonds between us.
It?s no good to say that God fills the gap.
God does not fill it, but keeps it empty so that our communion with one another
May be kept alive, even at the cost of agony.

The Pain of Loss

Nothing can fill the gap when we are away from those we love, and it would be wrong

To try to find anything. We must simply hold out and win through. That sounds

Very hard at first, but at the same time it is a consolation, since leaving

The gap unfilled preserves the bonds between us.

It?s no good to say that God fills the gap.

God does not fill it, but keeps it empty so that our communion with one another

May be kept alive, even at the cost of agony.

                                                                                            D.Bonhoeffer

This was on the website dedicated to Raonaid Murray, a beautiful 17 year old Irish girl who was murdered on her way home 10 years ago. They have never found her killer

chipmonkey · 01/02/2012 18:42

Sorry, posted the poem twice in my attempt to condense it into a normal sized post!

deemented · 01/02/2012 18:58

Oh that's lovely, Chip - so moving.

Well folks, If all goes to plan, it looks like i'll be having a Valentines day baby!!! Am very relieved to finally see an end in sight, and i can't wait to have her here and safe in my arms. Also i have agreed to be sterilised at the same time. I feel its the right thing to do, for me and my family - i could go on having babies, but i'm not sure how much more my body could take, tbh, and i need to think of the babies that i have. I don't feel particularly sad about it - more relief, which i guess means i'm doing the right thing.

karmathreefold · 01/02/2012 19:21

dee how exciting! The best Valentine's gift you can have! Good that you've come to terms wrt sterilisation, as it's a big step, but your babies do need you & you've got a little bundle to hold very soon x

chip That is very poignant - though beautiful!

TW (((hugs))) sounds tough! Definitely beer'o'clock by my watch

accident that is a very good motto to live by

CheeseandGherkins · 01/02/2012 19:30

dee that's really good news, not long for you to go now :)

I'm increasingly worried about my numbers going low so I've decided, after talking with dh, that we'll call in tomorrow with a view to asking about delivering baby asap. This just feels wrong, after lunch and dinner today my sugars have been lower than before eating and that's not right. I'm having so many low numbers and I can't even feel it anymore. I feel like I'm taking a huge risk in waiting another week or more as my numbers just shouldn't be looking like this and it's likely that my placenta is failing.

I'm scared of how things will work out but I feel it's better than doing nothing now and just waiting, not after what we've been through.

frasersmummy · 01/02/2012 19:38

Brilliant news Dee.. not long now

when you have lost your baby you never truly believe that you are going to bring your next baby home till you come through the front door with them.. even when Ross was born I didnt believe he was going to come home...

thats a beautiful poem and may send it to my dear dad ..

Our thread is in the 900s need to think about a new one

tw i am here if you want to talk.. you can pm me if you like.. you've been there for me in the past

deemented · 01/02/2012 19:45

Cheese - that sounds like a good plan. I'm sorry things are so stressful for you right now though. Huge (Cwtches) my lovely x

Whatevertheweather · 01/02/2012 19:55

Cheese I think you are right in what you are doing. Your body is telling you it's time. You know she's a good weight for gestation and that she is happy and healthy right now. Are you going to ask to go straight to section?

Dee Smile A valentines baby how lovely. Really really close now! Will she have a suitably romantic name?

TW I'm sorry work is tough. It sounds like there is someone there you'd like to help but aren't sure how? xx

Well I'm going back to work tomorrow. And I'm going to tell my boss I'm pregnant. I feel I owe it to her to be up front and honest and it feels the right thing to do even though I'm only 9 weeks. By god I'm scared though!

Original poster
shabbapinkfrog · 01/02/2012 20:08

Have asked Everlong if she will take 'the baton' and start the new thread for me - and Im chuffed to bits to say that she has agreed. We get 1,000 messages per thread so plenty of time yet. Lovely news Dee - chuffed to bits for you xxxxx

OP posts:
MiaAlexandrasmummy · 01/02/2012 20:10

cheese that sounds like a good plan to me by making the decision yourselves rather than having it forced upon you. Shall be crossing everything for you!

dee wow, lovely news! Grin

tw sorry that work is so tough at the moment. Just hope tomorrow is an easier day for you and your colleague.

chip a truly beautiful poem, thank you. Think I will be sharing it as well. Btw, I was in the garden this afternoon, tidying up and having a little cry, wondering where Mia was. Like you, I asked for a sign... 5 minutes later, a text from a religious friend came through, telling me he was praying for us. Afterwards, I was fossicking around the garden bed, and found three little bluebells tucked up in mounds of plants, and some of the white daisies that Mia would always try to eat. They made me smile.

whatever a big day tomorrow . You are a brave lady, and you have braved the worst, so your boss should be a cinch. I'm hoping for lots of understanding for you.

accident like the saying!

shabba brave of you to watch such programmes. Not sure my heart is ready to take on more pain.

CheeseandGherkins · 01/02/2012 20:14

Thanks dee, the more I think about it the more sure I am now. Just tested and I'm only at 3.8 as well...just not normal for me at all.

whatever I think so yes, I doubt an induction this early would work and also I'm worried about her being distressed during labour, I just want her out now! That's a harder option for me as the thought of a section really scares me but I really want what's best for her and I think it's probably a section. Have to see what happens tomorrow, will call them in the morning and see if they think it's ok to wait until Friday as I have a scan and consultant appointments then so will have plenty of time to discuss it with them.

CheeseandGherkins · 01/02/2012 20:17

Miasmummy thanks, feels a bit better now I know what I want to do/say, a bit more back in control I think. :)

Whatevertheweather · 01/02/2012 20:20

Cheese I was terrified when they said emcs for Erin. I've always been phobic about the idea of it. But honestly it was fine, even under the circumstances we were in, the section itself was fine. The recovery was also totally manageable, no worse than my natural labour. Do take all the pain relief offered especially in the first 48 hrs it makes a huge difference in getting up and about. My scar is hardly visible now. It's also very quick I think around 20 mins tops from when the spinal went in to delivery. Good luck tomorrow lovely xx

blizy · 01/02/2012 20:26

dee great news that the end is in sight!

cheese I think you are right, you have to go with your instincts. Let us know how you get on.

I am really struggling at the minute, we are now in February. The month Zoe died and was born. I can't believe she has been gone for almost a year, she should be here learning to toddle, talk and getting into everything. We should be planning her first birthday party, not dreading the date comming around.

AMAW · 01/02/2012 20:32

Good evening girls!

Whatever, good luck tomorrow. I think it will go fine. You'd have to be a pretty hard hearted person not to be delighted for you.

CheeseandGherkins · 01/02/2012 20:33

whatever I'm sure I'd be fine once it was all started but it's all the thought of it and worry beforehand, the numbness bothers me quite a lot as does the needle, not to mention being cut open. It'll all be worth it if I need one though I hope.

blizy :( sorry you're struggling, the year mark was hard for me too, ours was in December. I was just saying to dh before that how we've spent the last year wasn't how it should have been at all, visiting Scarlett's grave instead of doing all the things you do with a baby. (hugs) xx

AMAW · 01/02/2012 20:39

CheeseandGherkins, hello. I had an emcs and the numbness wore off pretty quickly. I was afraid of it hurting if I moved but in fact it was fine and I was up and walking by the evening (very carefully, mind). Have your dh have a blanket/something cosy with him because you feel very cold straight after the cs - something to do with the epidural. Or was that just me??

chipmonkey · 01/02/2012 20:49

dee how exciting!

Cheese I had five CS's in total. The only one that was a true ELCS was ds4 and it was the most pleasant. Staff all chatting and laughing away, no stress, and a lovely healthy baby! It does feel odd all right but not unpleasant.

Mias there Mia goes with her bluebells again! I think sometimes if you ask for signs, you get them. Today, I went round the back of my shed to get some compost bags. I brought them round to the composter to fill them and when I brought them back there were two tiny white feathers in the spot where I keep the bags. They were definitely not there before and I was out with ds3 and ds4 so I think she left them one each!

deemented · 01/02/2012 21:13

Whatever - We have chosen her name Smile

She'll be Celyn Sionedd Winter D***. Not sure if that's suitably romantic for you though.

CazBX · 01/02/2012 21:25

dee Celyn in a beautiful name, it means Holly in English doesn't it? My best friend had a niece called Celyn just before Christmas!

cheese thinking of your lots lovely xx

CazBX · 01/02/2012 21:25

is*

Whatevertheweather · 01/02/2012 21:38

Ooh Dee its a beautiful dreamy name. Definitely fitting for a valentines baby Smile