For not wanting a sliver of pain during childbirth (support for stillbirth)

[karmathreefold]

and then wanting extreme agony as punishment?

It's my fault... I knew the baby wasn't as active as usual, yet I thought it was OK.

I had a friend who had a stillbirth & she told me to check out any reduced movements - which I did, for my son, DD & in this pregnancy.

But I fucking didn't on tuesday, and I waited till the evening, when I knew it should be more active till I went to hospital.

So now I have to give birth to it. It's fully formed at 37 weeks gestation. If I'd got to hospital on time it could have maybe been saved.

I don't want to feel pain giving birth; yet I feel I deserve it, why not after it's all my fault.

I've never felt such pain as I do no, so maybe even a drugs-free labour would be less painful.

Oh god, I don't want this pain, I can't stand it

Still thinking of you Karma xxx

Thank you all xx

I have been in hospital since the early hours of Friday, and have read your messages from there, but have been unable to answer them.

The induction process turned out to be horrible. It started well, and I thought I was doing so well just breathing through the pain... then it worsened & they gave me diamorrhine - which made me very loony. I became anxious, scared & confused, and when sleeping it brought on an asthma attacl - I've since found out that it was pure grade heroin, so I could never be a junkie. I had two doses, then begged & begged for an epidural.

The first epidural went into the wrong space, but thankfully the second worked. I also had a problem with cannulas, and have 9 different puncture wounds, for just two venflo things.

On Saturday I had my waters broken & was 2cm dilated. The contractions then stopped, and they started me on a very low dose of syntocin drip, due to my previous caearean.

I had no further contractions till later that night, when they put the drip up to 20. Then I dilated to 5 cm - 3cm in an hour.

I was then encouraged to sleep (forcefully) by the midwife who told me I'd need a lot of energy (at this point I'd not eaten since 5pm on friday due to the risk of emergency surgery).

An hour later the registrar/SHO examined me & I'd not progressed, he and the midwife argued - he wanted to stop, she wanted to wait.

Two hours later I'd still not progressed, the cord was in my vagina, the baby still at the top of my uterus, so they bailed, and decided on an emergency caesarean.

I was terrified going into theatre.

The caesarean then went wrong - the baby was hard to get out as she was in such an awkward position. They had to cut longer and wider than usual, in order to avoid tearing her to shreds... they hit the major blood vessels & I haemorrhaged. My blood pressure fell at it's lowest to 44/22 and never above 80/44. The machine measuring blood sats kept beeping, my pulse was slow, I kept fading in & out of consciousness & was incredibly thirsty. They had to call the consultant in from home.

In recovery I was told that the surgeon had just tried to stop the bleeding but couldn't, they'd also had to take my womb out to suture all the tears, and my fibroid had bled profusely too - the consultant had managed to suture as best he could.

I lost 3.5 litres of blood - ove 6 pints. Had 4 units of blood, and 2 units of plasma.

A few hours later I saw my precious baby. I was shocked. Her [poor little body looked burned - the skin was peeling off. She was so beautiful though - the image of her sister. She has her dad's light blue eyes.

I broke down after that & cried and cried, was angry with the midwife for not dressing her how I wanted - how I wailed.

By that night I managed to accept my baby's appearance, I cuddled her, we had photos taken. Yesterday she was named & blessed.

My DH was with me throughout & the staff are beyond brilliant I hurt physically more than with DD1, but then things went wrong. The emotional pain is harder & harder to bear, and I can't talk to my friends, only midwives, I just want to hide from the world.

I hate that the world is carrying on like nothing happened. I hate that my house looks the same. I hate that people are laughing & the sun was shining toda.

Thank you all for your concern, I just wish I could tell you that at least the birth was pain free, but it seems like I was destined to suffer as much physically as mentally xx

Oh God that sounds so awful.

You poor thing.

Sending you love and prayers xx

I'm lost for words. What a truly terrible time you have had. I'm so very sorry.

I am so, so sorry to read that you had such a horrible time of it. You didn't deserve any of it at all. May I ask what you called your lovely daughter?

Our daughter Scarlett also had skin peeling, this was due to her being inside me for a few days before I was induced.

You might find sleeping and eating difficult in the coming days and weeks. I couldn't sleep for longer than 3 hours at a time for months and didn't eat much for the same either. I carried on functioning, barely, for the dcs but it was the worst thing I've ever gone through.

It's nearly a year for us now and I can say that I did get through those dark days, I never thought I would, I wondered how I could possibly feel any better but I do. It's still unbearably painful but it doesn't hold the same constant rawness that the early days did.

If I can help you in any way then please pm me or post here. Post as much as you need or want to. Massive hugs xxx

I am so sorry that you have had to go through this.

x

Just seen this. Karma - you don't have to see anybody. You've been through an hideous experience and if you want to hide away for a bit - well I think that's what you NEED to do.
For when you feel a bit stronger - do you feel the surgery has been properly explained to you and you know everything you need to about and the consequences arising from it? The hospital should provide you with the opportunity to get to know everything you feel you need to. Did they explain why your baby's skin was like that?

Oh and there are links on my profile of Scarlett, you can see some skin peeling there but it doesn't look horrific or anything, I'd assume your daughter had similar? It is normal.

I also didn't want to see anyone, wouldn't see the dr, midwife anybody at all and wouldn't speak on the phone. I just couldn't at all. It took a while and I just got by with lots of support on here which I will never forget. Lovely women that shared their experiences with me really helped me get through it xxx

I'll link you this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/1322407-The-mention-of-my-childs-name-may-bring-tears-to-my-eyes-but-it-never-fails-to-bring-music-to-my-ears-bereaved-parents-thread for if you want to post. Everyone there has lost a child and are totally supportive. xx

CheeseandGherkins - yes so very, very similar.

Our daughter's name is Tamsin Rainbow (Rainbow after the bright rainbow that appeared in the black sky, just after arriving home from hearing she'd died, just seemed appropriate).

Her eyes are very sunken now. Nevertheless we let our older DD (16 months) see her briefly, she said "baby, baby" and tried to poke her in the eye, so we can now tell her later that she saw her sister.

Thank you all so much, I am so, so, sorry for all others who've walked this path, when stronger I would love to talk to others xxxxx

Oh Karma....I don't know what to say...how fucking awful on top of everything else being so awful :( I'm so sorry and I'm so sorry there are people like Cheese around who can take you through it step by step (YKWIM). The whole thing is heartbreaking xx

Oh Karma you poor poor love. What a hideous experience that must have been on top of the horrendous shock that your darling girl had passed. What did you name her? Are you home now?

So much love and hugs to you - I also had a crash section with Erin so I know they are very scary but mine was medically speaking straightforward. I'm so glad you got to hold her. 10 weeks on from losing Erin I really really cherish the memories of snuggling with her. Did you take any photos of her?

Each day, heck each hour, will seem like a huge huge challenge and ordeal right now but slowly slowly in your own time you will get there. Oh honey I have tears streaming for you.

Do you have lots of RL support? Take anything that is offered people will want to help. Please PM me if you want to talk ever or you have any questions about what comes next. If there is anything I can do please let me know. Will be lighting a candle for your baby girl tonight xxxx

Sorry x post - couldn't type for tears so took ages

Tamsin Rainbow is a beautiful name xxxx

So so very sorry for what you've been through. It is beyond horrendous. You have given your beautiful daughter a beautiful name.

tamsin rainbow, that is really lovely... karma i am so terribly sorry that she has been lost to you and your family.

Beautiful name, absolutely lovely. We'll all be here whenever you need us xxx

I cant find the words to express adequately how very sorry I am for everything that has happened and for the loss of your precious little girl. Could I please second what Cheese has said about coming to, what I consider to be MN most wonderful thread. You will find support, love and understanding. We all help each other. I feel overwhelmed by your birth experience so God alone knows how you must be feeling. Sending my love to you xxx

Tamsin Rainbow is a beautiful name. I'm sorry for your loss Karma and for all that you've been through since she died.
I have no words of wisdom to make this better for you other than to take it one day/hour/minute at a time. My thoughts are with you.

So sorry to read what a horrendous birth you endured, thinking of you and your family and not to forget your beautiful Tamsin Rainbow.

oh no, what an appalling thing for you to go through,
just awful
sending love
x

So sorry to hear you had such a traumatic time before you could meet your beautiful angel girl Tamsin Rainbow! Such a lovely name! Whenever you feel ready, come and join us angel mummies on our thread! lots of love x

Oh, karma!

So sorry you had to go through such a horrendous experience, as if losing your little girl wasn't bad enough!

I also had to have a hysterectomy when dd was born, she was born alive but died unexpectedly aged 7 weeks. It's a horrible, double loss.

Do come and join us on our thread when you feel able, we can't take the pain away but we can be there for you.

Thank you so much - all of you... chipmonkey I am so, so sorry for what you went through, I can't believe that life can be so incredibly, so painfully, cruel.

My DH (who's been unanimously slated on here), has, in this sad time, been a tower of support. I've seen a side of him I never knew existed. His grief is so palpable, and painful to see. His taking over looking after DD1 is nothing short of amazing, his strength getting the fomalities arranged - so formidable.

I wonder if you never really know a person, until you see them at their worse (or most grief stricken), if so his character is so different to the one I thought I knew. His care of me has been beyond the care I'd imagine any man could give - he even ran up the shops (luckily my mum was here for DD1), when I was screaming in agony on the loo, as I had the most painful - yet non-moving bowel movement.

His fear when I went into theatre, then watching as surgeons saved my life, was awful to watch, you could see the helplessness in his eyes.

I'm really up & down. yesterday I was so, so down, and couldn't speak to anyone, today I managed to bathe, and go visit Tamsin.

Tomorrow we have the funeral directors, which is a task I'd rather not face.

There is one hurdle I face, one that will sound churlish, childish, selfish etc, etc. I have had problem, after problem, with my stepson. Obviously DH has invited him to the funeral, and of course if he wants to attend he should - that goes without saying.

My fear is that DH will want to travel 1.5 - 2 hours to pick him up from the coach park, and I just don't want that. Physically I can't manage DD, and although my mum could come, I just can't understand why a grown man can't catch the bus here (they run very regularly). We will be so busy, I really need DH with me, and I just can't bear him to leave when there is no reason - I could understand if DSS was coming to visit, but in these cirumstances I think he should just get on a bus like everyone else.

Of course there is a bittersweet reason for this - when DSS came down very, very recently, DH had to go and collect him. This was when I tripped on the stairs and started bleeding & DH was not able to come to hospital with me (I fell before DH left to fetch DSS, but started bleeding about 10 minutes after he left). DH was told I couldn't lift DD for a while, yet still went out with his DS, leaving me alone with DD, as his son wanted him too - I can never forgive DH for this, or DSS for knowing I shouldn't be left, yet persuading his dad to leave me....

I also don't want DSS to stay here. I want to be alone with DH before the funeral and have always been left out when DSS is here. Even if I wasn't I don't want to grieve with a virtual stranger in my house. As you may (or may not) know I too have a DS, I haven't seen him since the death, and though of course I want to see him I don't want to at the moment.

I did mention to DH that DSS could go in a car with my family to the funeral, but he told his dad he wants to come with us, which, again, I don't want... I think it should be just me, DD & DH. I would never ask DS to come with us, this was DD's sister, this is my baby that I've lost, and I don't want someone who upset me - when I was bleeding - that close to me right now.

To make it worse DSS asked his dad if we really needed a funeral, as it "wasn't a real baby"!

I'm happy for him to come, if he stays away from me, doesn't stay at our house, and DH does not pick him up... this is my only chance to say goodnight to my precious angel, and I can't bear that DSS is already calling the shots.

Ok I've just re-read that, and I sound like a bitch, but I've been told by the bereavement midwife, by every other midwife, etc etc, that it's my baby & I should do what I want, not worry about others etc.

Fuck this is so hard, I just want to bring her home, I don't want to let go, I just don't want to let go.........

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