Thank you all, your words have brought more tears to my eyes. Whatever it helps to know that the pain does subside, though part of me desperately wants it to remain - I'm scared of losing more of her, by letting go - just one tiny bit, but I know that this intensity is not sustainable.
I've had another harrowing experience tonight.
I called my midwfe late this afternoon, as I was worried at not being checked for days, and really felt crap - added to that I now dread the dark - it was in the dark we found out Tamsin had died, it was in the dark I had the horrendous caesarean that went wrong - I now find myself terrified at night, I'm scared to sleep, convinced something else will go wrong, I get very, very anxious & panicky.
The midwife came early evening & did her obs. My BP was fine (high for me but fine), temperature, pulse etc fine, but my rr's were 21, when the limit is 20, so just one over, but enough to tick one yellow box. Then because I felt unwell that ticked another yellow box, so she had to phone the obstetric registrar. She told him she thought I was fine, but he insisted that I go in to be examined.
So we went back to the labour ward. We were put in the same room where we were told that Tamsin had died. When DH complained, we were moved to another room, but still we had to sit there for three hours, staring at a plastic crib - complete with blankets & Bounty pack attached, and a birth kit.
The dr examined me, and found I was fine. The only thing I had was a UTI, weird since I've been on 2 lots of antibiotics. She also mentioned that my breathing was too fast, and then something about blood clots - but my peak flow was good, my lungs clear, and my sats 98%.
She said she would give me some more antibiotics for the infection, then I could go.
Then she came in and said the senior registrar was coming in to see me, as she thought I may want to stay.
The senior registrar came in & asked why I had come in ???? Then said that they wanted to keep an eye on my breathing overnight. I said I couldn't stay in the labour ward, and she told me I'd be in the gynaecological ward, but I said no - as I do NOT want to be away from DH & DD, and be on a wrd with people who do not know what I'm going through - I just couldn't stand it. I asked for a chest x ray if they suspected a blood clot, and she refused, saying I have no symptoms, they just want to watch?????
Anyway - and this bit pisses me off & has really, really distressed me - when I got home I checked my notes. The reason they wanted me to stay was because I have self-harmed (I have a few scratches from my nails the other night, when the pain from crying was so desperate I needed a release). When asked I openly admitted I'd had the crisis team out - this was enough for them to decide I should stay in.
Even worse they wrote that Tamsin died at 26 weeks not 37 weeks - how the bloody hell could they make that mistake???? How the hell could they wipe out 11 weeks of her life - is she so insignificant they could not even get that right?
I'm now panic stricken they will involve social services as they obviously think I'm too mentally unwell to be out, and are probably worried about DD. This is despite the fact that my psychiatrist visited me at home on Friday, with my CPN, both of whom saw my scatches, and decided that it wasn't self-harm as such (I only did it once, and whilst in agony from crying), and that DD was safe with me.... but they seem to write what the hell they like on their forms, put me in the room which has the most awful memory of my life, then leave us waiting in a delivery room, get Tamsin's age wrong, and bloody well lie about why the want to keep me in - I feel this nightmare will never end