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Original poster

For not wanting a sliver of pain during childbirth (support for stillbirth)

557 replies

karmathreefold · 27/10/2011 04:35

and then wanting extreme agony as punishment?

It's my fault... I knew the baby wasn't as active as usual, yet I thought it was OK.

I had a friend who had a stillbirth & she told me to check out any reduced movements - which I did, for my son, DD & in this pregnancy.

But I fucking didn't on tuesday, and I waited till the evening, when I knew it should be more active till I went to hospital.

So now I have to give birth to it. It's fully formed at 37 weeks gestation. If I'd got to hospital on time it could have maybe been saved.

I don't want to feel pain giving birth; yet I feel I deserve it, why not after it's all my fault.

I've never felt such pain as I do no, so maybe even a drugs-free labour would be less painful.

Oh god, I don't want this pain, I can't stand it

OP posts:
Shutupanddrive · 27/10/2011 09:19

Of course it's not your fault. Please don't punish yourself even more Sad

QueenoftheVerse · 27/10/2011 09:29

Along with all the others, I am so so sorry. I can't stress enough that this wasn't your fault. Nature is just a bitch sometimes and there's nothing we can do about it, nothing.

I had a stillborn DD at 24 weeks almost a year ago and my best friend lost her DS at 31 weeks in March this year. It's a club no-one wants to join, but you will find fantastically supportive people in the Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss section on MN, also Sands are a fantastic charity and really helped me deal with my feelings. Maybe give them a call when you feel ready to Sands

laluna · 27/10/2011 09:30

I am so sorry. There was nothing you could do.

When are are going into hospital?

I am a midwife with experience of pregnancy loss and stillbirth - lots of experience - it is unfortunately increasing. You will have 1-1 care which you will totally be the centre of. Take the pain relief you need - take each stage at a time. Do what feels right for you. It will be crap - your midwife will hopefully smooth the edges a bit. The strength of women in these situations never fails and totally amazes and me - this will be you. (tears)

chipmonkey · 27/10/2011 09:30

Oh, you poor love!Sad
Do NOT blame yourself! Most of the time we don't know why a baby dies and the chances are there is nothing you could have done.

When you feel ready come and join us here

And take all the pain relief you can get! No physical pain could possibly be worse than the emotional pain you are going through right now, you can trust me on that.

Whatevertheweather · 27/10/2011 09:44

Oh Karma - I'm so sorry for the loss of your beautiful dc. I won't say don't blame yourself because unfortunately you will to begin with. Just know it wasn't your fault. I lost my dd in August so I know the pain you will be in right now.

To echo Chip, Shabba and Blue do come and find us on our special thread when you feel ready. We will be there all the way to hold your hand. Hugs for you and floaty kisses for your angel. Is your dh with you? xx

BalloonTwister · 27/10/2011 09:46

I don't know what to say. I am so so sorry. How awful for you. It is not your fault though. Please don't make your pain even worse than it must already be by beating yourself up. You'd had the same thing checked out with both other DC, how could you possible know that this time would be any different? I wish I could do something to help.x

SausageGoulsAndFruitSpooks · 27/10/2011 09:48

I'm so sorry karma Sad

Please take care of yourself, and I know it's easy for us to say but this really isn't your fault.

Please accept any help offered to get you through.

X x

Cathycomehome · 27/10/2011 09:56

So sorry. Sad Be kind to yourself. x

aldiwhore · 27/10/2011 09:59

It's not your fault at all. So sorry for you all. xxx

porcamiseria · 27/10/2011 09:59

Oh you poor baby
its NOT NOT NOT your fault, but sweet jesus what a shocker for you.

OH you are so in my prayers that you will eventually find happiness and peace again

Rikalaily · 27/10/2011 10:04

Oh sweetheart, I'm so so sorry. It is not your fault, not at all. Please be gentle with yourself and take whatever help you need. Feeling guilt is a natural response but you do not need to punish yourself, you didn't do anything wrong to deserve this.

Sleep peacefully little one xx

browneyesblue · 27/10/2011 10:08

I'm so, so sorry. My thoughts are with you and your family. x

NessaRose · 27/10/2011 10:15

Sweethart its NOT your fault.
SO very verySad for you and you family.
Sleep tight little one.xx

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 27/10/2011 10:31

Oh sweetheart, I don't have anything that could possibly make you feel better, but just wanted to add my voice to all those saying it is not your fault and wishing you and your family all your best. Thinking of you xxxxxxxxx

valiumredhead · 27/10/2011 10:38

Oh no, you poor thing, how sad Sad I am so sorry x

MNHQ
RebeccaMumsnet · 27/10/2011 10:38

Hi there,

We are going to move this thread to Other Subjects now as AIBU really isn't the right place for such a sensitive discussion.

Sending all of our best wishes to the OP.

CheeseandGherkins · 28/10/2011 07:14

I'm so, so sorry :( Our daughter, Scarlett, was stillborn at 37 weeks in December last year. I found out on the 2nd and went in on the 5th to be induced, she was born on the 6th. I used gas and air, they put a morphine drip in my arm just in case, one of the ones that you can administer yourself but I didn't need it.

It's not your fault, please don't blame yourself. You didn't know this would happen and you didn't want it to. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but unfortunately none of us have it :(

If you want to know anything then please ask or pm me. Have you thought about what you want to do once the baby is born? I had some amazing advice from women here such as taking lots of photos, having a cast of her hands and feet done (the midwife offered this), dressing them how you want if you can do this etc. I won't go through too much as it's a lot to take in.

xxx

Whatevertheweather · 28/10/2011 08:44

How are you doing today Karma? It's such an awful awful shock for you. Thinking of you xx

chipmonkey · 28/10/2011 14:06

Thinking of you, karma

Bluetinkerbell · 30/10/2011 07:55

Thinking of you Karma! If you feel able to, let us know how you are doing! we're all here to support you through this difficult time! x

AfternoonsandCoffeespoons · 30/10/2011 11:23

How are you doing, sweetheart? As PP has said, we are here if you feel like you want to come back to this thread. Thinking of you. x

valiumredhead · 30/10/2011 14:50

Thinking of you OP x

RandomMess · 30/10/2011 14:55

Thinking of you.

EdlessAllenPoe · 30/10/2011 18:00

oh that is terrible karma ...

try to be kind to yourself :( this isn't your fault.

chipmonkey · 30/10/2011 19:09

keeping you in my thoughts, karma. We're here if you need us. xx