and then wanting extreme agony as punishment?
It's my fault... I knew the baby wasn't as active as usual, yet I thought it was OK.
I had a friend who had a stillbirth & she told me to check out any reduced movements - which I did, for my son, DD & in this pregnancy.
But I fucking didn't on tuesday, and I waited till the evening, when I knew it should be more active till I went to hospital.
So now I have to give birth to it. It's fully formed at 37 weeks gestation. If I'd got to hospital on time it could have maybe been saved.
I don't want to feel pain giving birth; yet I feel I deserve it, why not after it's all my fault.
I've never felt such pain as I do no, so maybe even a drugs-free labour would be less painful.
Oh god, I don't want this pain, I can't stand it