For not wanting a sliver of pain during childbirth (support for stillbirth)

[karmathreefold]

and then wanting extreme agony as punishment?

It's my fault... I knew the baby wasn't as active as usual, yet I thought it was OK.

I had a friend who had a stillbirth & she told me to check out any reduced movements - which I did, for my son, DD & in this pregnancy.

But I fucking didn't on tuesday, and I waited till the evening, when I knew it should be more active till I went to hospital.

So now I have to give birth to it. It's fully formed at 37 weeks gestation. If I'd got to hospital on time it could have maybe been saved.

I don't want to feel pain giving birth; yet I feel I deserve it, why not after it's all my fault.

I've never felt such pain as I do no, so maybe even a drugs-free labour would be less painful.

Oh god, I don't want this pain, I can't stand it

Karma I really don't think you should take any notice of someone criticising your use of next door's internet. It has nothing to do with them.

You say MN is your only support at the moment. Please don't lose that. You say you are struggling, so you need MN support more than ever. Please keep posting.

I think your H has no right to ban you from doing anything. He should be helping you through this difficult time. Please try to get some RL support.

thinking of you karma if you need help or contact via any other way than MN or FB, please PM me and I will send you my phone number!

I'm posting this on here, as I don't want to ruin the bereaved parents thread, but I'm really, really struggling with this.

So DH has now warned next door that I'm piggy-backing off their internet, so I won't be able to get on here soon.

I've tried to email him, telling him how I feel, what I need etc.

He sent me a video from Youtube of a very "dangerous woman". It's about women with personality disorders.

He asked me to watch it from 2.49 minutes in. The video goes on to explain that women like this exhibit certain characteristics, such as thinking they have an extraordinary talent, or good looks, that no one else would notice. That they think they are "special" and demand constant admiration.

I'm stunned that he thinks like this. That he thinks I think I'm special, he's made it quite clear that I'm not.

I found out that he's been looking at videos of women with their tits bouncing around, and commenting on them.

On the way to the cemetery today, he commented on other women, who he'd like to shag, and how he'd "do her". Every pensionable woman he passed he said he wouldn't like to see naked, as they must be over 40 "like you - yuck"

I guess that he was just trying to be funny and joking, but it has shaken me a lot.

I'm more stunned by the video he sent me, so now I'm a "dangerous woman" - how the fuck can I leave him now he thinks this? I know I'm in no way special, but all I've ever wanted was to be loved.

This is the video he sent me

I haven't watched the clip but it's good to see you on here I've been worried about you. Please go to Womans Aid with your dd he is doing everything possible to erode every bit of you so that you don't leave.

karma, I watched some of the video and I think perhaps a better one for you to watch would be about dangerous men, because that's what you are married to.
Agree with Random, you need to talk to Womens Aid. There was a thread recently about a lady who went to a refuge, I'll see if I can find it.
Do you think next door might be kind enough to let you use their internet? Don't they think it strange that your dh has stopped you from using your own? I would be a bit about a bloke that told me his wife was using our internet, tbh. And if they have unlimited broadband, maybe they won't care?

It was this one

Karma, I'm sorry, but your husband is sick. His behaviour is not funny, it is not supportive, nor is it loving. It is simply unacceptable by any measure, at any time. He has trapped you into thinking he has control over your life and your happiness - please, please believe everyone here when we say he doesn't. He makes me furious. And sad - for you. xx

Karma - I know it's been suggested a lot on here and your relationships thread but don't remember if you've ever said you would feel able to talk to Women's Aid? I really think this is what you need. Or how are things at your mums now? Can you go there yet? You really need to get away from this man.

Also do your finances allow you to get a smartphone with Internet access? that way you will be able to come on here/fb by using 3G so you are not reliant on wifi. It will also be harder for him to track as you can't use a keylogger etc.

Sorry lots of questions I just do worry about you xx

everlong, the trouble with men like this is that they gradually erode a woman's confidence until she actually believes this is what she deserves.
I believe the video is sent her is indicative of gaslighting, he is trying to make her believe she is a psychopath. karma is bipolar but does have insight into her condition and knows when she is becoming ill but he is using her mental illness against her.
karma, do you trust us? None of us would put you wrong and this man is no good for you. Please phone Womens Aid and get out with dd1. You ARE a good mother, you ARE a great person, a beautiful woman and you know what? You owe it to dd1 to show her that you don't let a man treat you like this. How would you feel if you knew that a man was treating her like this? You would want to kill him, wouldn't you? You don't want her to grow up thinking this is her lot, do you? And if you stay, eventually he will start on her because he really believes women are worthless.

Get out for you, get out for dd1 and do it in memory of your beautiful Tamsin.

I've come back here to rant/moan/vent!

I am the OP (karmathreefold), but have namechanged to a name I made up years ago, for my blog page, twitter et al. The name was a mix of Tami & Sarah. I have no idea why I ever chose Tami, but I did, and now realise that for over a decade I have been combining a shortened version of Tamsin's name with my own, yet it was DH who chose her name, despite an unconvinced me.

I do go on the bereaved parents thread, but hate going on there and sounding so down. I appreciate the other parents distress, and hate bringing the tone down when they're all so much more 'elegant' with their grief than me; I'm just a chaotic mash of emotions. Turbulent and unbidden, with no structure, and at times, almost no desire to get 'over it'.

I've begun to find this journey harder. It did get a bit easier, and I really, truly thought that this horrible feeling in my stomach had gone. But it's back. It makes me feel slightly dizzy. Chipmonkey described (so much more articulately than me) as turning up for an exam, then realising you'd been revising for the wrong one. And that's how I feel. Always slightly panicky, a knot in my tummy, dizzy, and as though I've lost, or forgotten something. The same feeling that awakens you from a dream, when you realise you've forgotten something, and disturbs you too much to allow you to return to sleep. It's bloody exhausting & relentless.

I've taken DD1 out to two groups now. More than I'd thought I'd manage.

The first one causes some problems, and I hate that there is a baby there, and everyone coos over it. But still I survive, and DD1 likes it. I feel slightly comfortable there.

The other group is busy. Too busy. I fought the strong urge to run away. Lots of noise, lots of peoples... and babies, little babies everywhere, and several of them girls. I stayed, but really don't know if I can go to one where I feel so claustrophobic.

I really wonder what is left in life, and I hate feeling sorry for myself. I feel ashamed, when others are suffering, and I sit and feel sorry for myself!

I mourn so deeply my life that was never to be. That in a way I've lost nothing. Nothing has changed, I've still got DD1, in a way I'm back to what I had. But it's different. I was supposed to have two little girls... I still have, but I want Tamsin. I want her to wake me.

I've aged considerably in the last few weeks. I sit & comfort eat. I can't find much energy to move off the sofa. Even the cashier in Sainsbury's said I look ill.

I feel misunderstood, and almost ashamed that I grieve so damned deeply. I'm sick now of people telling me about their miscarriages. I know it must be awful for them, and I appreciate their loss to them is greater than my loss is to them... that loss of any kind is subjective to the one suffering. But a miscarriage is not the same. I gave birth to a daughter. I have a scar, and a ruptured uterus. I produced milk, had midwives visit me for two weeks, recovered from a caesarean. I have a certificate of my daughter's existence. I went into hospital with a swollen tummy, and left with a shrunken one. I had to attend a funeral director's less than a week after my caesarean. I had to then choose a funeral outfit, write a poem, watch her little white coffin being lowered into the ground....

I don't know what I'm trying to say really. I just feel so damned despondent. I'm sick of people telling me to smile, and to think of DD1, of course I do think of her. But I just feel a great gaping loss. So many could have beens. All I see when I close my eyes is Tamsin's little face, it haunts every second of every day.

I've spent today watching Wizadora, Tot's TV, Thomas The Tank Engine, The Raggy Dolls... remembering when DS was little. I was so happy then. I wish I could go back, be young, naive, innocent, untarnished by tragedy. To a life that was simpler, carefree... happy. Of course I love DD1, but I'm not the same mum as I was a year ago. I feel so much weight pressing down on me.

I've even gone as far as deleting facebook. I just don't want to talk to other people right now, or here about their lives, and their expectation that by now I should be better

You're grieving, you will never be the same person/mum that you were a year ago but it will (hopefully) get easier and there will be some light again.

I can understand not wanting to talking to other people, or hearing about them and I can't understand why anyone expects you to be better

I wonder if you will ever believe/realise you are doing/coping better, it may only be in many months time that you will look back and realise that you have been - you may not actually "feel" it IYSWIM.

Hugs, be kind to yourself and remember everything that you are doing for dd1 despite what you have been through and despite how bad you feel x

There are no set timescales for when you should feel better; you need to accept that grieving is an individual thing, and not let anyone put pressure on you to pretend you feel better when you don't. You have been through a traumatic experience, both physically and emotionally, and need to be kind to yourself and talk about what happened whenever you need to. It must be hard to be haunted by Tamsin's little face.
It's understandable that you don't want to hear about other poeple's lives, or feel comfortable in large groups. You are doing well just to be functioning and getting out with DDI, and looking after her.
Keep talking to us on here, there is always someone listening x

Thank you Random and GRW, your kind words mean a lot. xx

tamisara grief is not linear. It ebbs and flows like the ocean. There are still some large waves out there, I find...

I understand your feelings of despondency, of life falling back into the same pattern it was, of feeling that I am expected to be 'better'. Yet most of this is in my head. Of course our lives have changed irrevocably.

Just be gentle on yourself, ok?

I'm sure I've completely lost touch with reality. I've been considering parallel universes. I thought about the morning that Tamsin died. I woke with a deep, deep sense of foreboding. A chill run through me. I had no idea then, but I was scared, and had the same feeling I've now come to accept as 'normal'.

I've pondered whether Tamsin is still alive in an alternative world, maybe in that world I died in theatre. Maybe there is a happy & safe one.

I'm incredibly irritable right now. One wrong word & I tend to jump. I even put the phone down on my mum when she said something I didn't like - not in a temper, but I just said "bye" and put the phone down, prompting her to ring back.

One thing is certain, I don't know who I am anymore. I've changed in ways I don't even understand yet.

I think what you are describing is actually quite common when someone is severely depressed - which is something different to being bipolar.

Being irritable, not wanting to deal with anyone once they've said one "wrong" thing, wanting to believe there is a safe and happy world, not knowing who you are anymore.

You are living through a very dark with little (no?) loving support from those around you

Random thank you. I'm ashamed to say that I've stopped taking my antidepressants; they really didn't help anyway, and they seemed to cause the most awful teeth grinding, which gave me ear and jaw pain. I don't think they work for grief anyway, they didn't numb the pain.

I'm also ashamed to say that I scratched myself again. I feel so much anger, and at about 2am I have so much energy, but it's destructive. The only good thing is that DD1 is fast asleep then, as I'm glad I've never even been tempted to do it when she's awake, but late at night/early hours of morning, I just have so much energy, and turn it inwards, even though I want to scream, shout & break things.

At those times could you write it all down, put your fury onto pen and paper - you could always destroy it afterwards?

Thanks Random that is a very good idea. Thanks for the thought, I will try it x

I find great relief in saying how I really really feel, writing it down works too. I often write really horrible things/feelings full of venom and self hate but somehow afterwards I do feel better erm sort of released from feeling like that.

I think it's a fantastic idea. I have written on here, late at night, but the next morning - even though I really did mean it the night before - it seems so OTT, which is why your idea sounds so good. Writing really is cathartic isn't it?

I do wonder if the fact that Tamsin died in the early hours, we found out she died in the early hours, and she was born through a very traumatic process in the early hours, all add up to my hatred & feelings of intense isolation at that time. It's always between 1.30am - 3am that I'm at my worse, and can be incredibly self-destructive then. I've even just walked out the house on odd occasions, just walking.

I'm glad you find some relief too x

I only said about destroying them in case your dh finds them and uses it against you. I have in all honesty written some truly awful things that at the time I was convinced were the truth but a few hours/days later can see they have an element of truth in them IYSWIM.

Another thing I was recently told - being passed on from some happiness guru was that every day you should write down 3 things that you are thankful for. It will take months before it helps shift your mind but it does work. It may just be "for that nice latte in costa".

I was very at the suggestion as my great issue is that I don't "feel" grateful for things I know I should be thankful for - and my rational part is ie the dc I do have. However when in a calm frame of mind I do think it would be worth trying. I have also written a list of positive things/truths in my life and have given permission to a friend that when I am being completely unreasonable I can be told to go away and look at the list

If nothing else it will be a way of friend telling me I am overstepping the mark and they need to end the conversation (to save their sanity). Again when in a calm rational state I accept just how upsetting and awful they find it listening to me spew such depths of self-hatred.

Hope that makes sense - and I have not been through anything like the trauma you have, mine all goes back to childhood, but I hope it helps you realise that you are not alone in struggling and having those kind of thoughts.