For not wanting a sliver of pain during childbirth (support for stillbirth)

[karmathreefold]

and then wanting extreme agony as punishment?

It's my fault... I knew the baby wasn't as active as usual, yet I thought it was OK.

I had a friend who had a stillbirth & she told me to check out any reduced movements - which I did, for my son, DD & in this pregnancy.

But I fucking didn't on tuesday, and I waited till the evening, when I knew it should be more active till I went to hospital.

So now I have to give birth to it. It's fully formed at 37 weeks gestation. If I'd got to hospital on time it could have maybe been saved.

I don't want to feel pain giving birth; yet I feel I deserve it, why not after it's all my fault.

I've never felt such pain as I do no, so maybe even a drugs-free labour would be less painful.

Oh god, I don't want this pain, I can't stand it

chip Mia's* you two really are too kind, I feel so ridiculously needy, and there you two are, suffering, and still being so kind xx

My anxiety is back, which is just compounding matters.

When DD1 was born, she was born screaming, and her first agpar scores were great, and I looked forward to her being cleaned up, and brought over to me (she was c section).

Then alarms went off, and they were on the phone to get a paediatrician in urgently. Her 5 minute agpar scores were very low.

The next thing they had a little trolley with flashing lights, and were wheeling her off to SCBU. Her chest was going up & down wildly, while she struggled for breath: She had respiratory distress, and I'd not even seen her.

I lay there, completely lost & confused, scared out of my mind, whilst my surgeon nonchantly told me that it was very common for caesarean babies (no one had told me prior to this).

I was taken to the postnatal ward, after my recovery, and lay there, with an empty cot, while all around other mums & dads cuddled their newborns (DH was with DD1 at my insistence). DH did bring me photos & videos of her, I hated seeing them. Even to this day it's hard to look at her with tubes out of her.

She was returned to me after a few hours, but I was overwhelmed by anxiety by then, no other caesarean mother, had their baby taken to SCBU, despite it being "common".

When DD1 was 5 days old, she was weighed, and had gone from 9lbs at birth, to 7lb 5oz. I'm sure the reason was that my milk didn't come in till the weds (she was born on sat), so we went back into hospital. We were released after 3 days.

While in there, a paediatrician mentioned her "prominent forehead", but refused to say what it may mean, deferring me to the GP 6 week check-up.

Well DD1's head then did grow funny, and it really did look like she had cranio syntosis. Even the HV agreed with me. I had to have her head checked every month for 6 months... I was convinced she had some undiagnosed chromosonal disorder, or syndrome, and never enjoyed her babyhood much.

So now I'm anxious about her, and there is something specific... a small swelling on her neck. I took her to the Dr last summer, and she couldn't feel it, took her back today. The Dr says it's a gland, and as it's only pea size not to worry, but of course I am. DS also had a swelling in his neck (his was visible, DD1's is only when she she bends her head backwards), DS had to have a biopsy as his was so large.

I feel right now that I don't want to go through life. I'm so bloody scared of other bad things happening... I feel it's me, my fault, I'm the common denominator in it all. I also don't want to stick around if bad things may happen to others I love, I hate the pain.

My cousin died of cancer when he was nearly 6. I was 11 at the time. He'd got ill the year before, and his sister used to stay with us. I can remember vividly her crying, in the bunk bed above mine, praying to God to save her brother... God didn't listen, and I didn't believe in him from that point, even having the nerve to argue with my RE teacher... Because he suffered.. he really did. He lost his hair through chemotherapy, and then was teased mercilessly by his peers... imagine that...

At my grandad's funeral 6 years later, my aunt & uncle left the graveyard crying & clinging to each other - they'd gone to visit his grave. I saw the impact on them, on my other cousin, and it affected our family too, as we'd always been close. My aunt went on to have two other children, but she also turned into an alcoholic.

Karma life is very hard and very painful, what gets most people through is the love and support from others around them and returning the loving and support. You need some love and support in RL your H certainly doesn't seem to be giving you any.

karma, FWIW, ds1 had all sorts of lumps and bumps all over him when he was little. I was told by one doctor they were glands responding to infection. I am sure dd1 will be fine. She is a beautiful little girl.

karma, none of us can actually swear there is a God or an afterlife, there's no proper proof. But you have had your signs from Tamsin and they are signs all of us agreed were too much to be coincidence. And your cousin? Maybe he's one of the lucky ones. One of those destined to have a short earthly life followed by an eternity of bliss. Whose death was a trial not for him but for those left behind. Maybe he is up there looking after Tamsin and making sure she behaves herself!

You are supposed to be here! You are one of the people that I wouldn't have known if I hadn't lost Sylvie-Rose and while I am not happy at all to have lost her I am very happy to have gotten to know you and MiasMummy and all the other bereaved Mums. I feel privileged to know you and am only sorry it was under such awful circumstances for both of us.

Tamsin is with you, she knows you can't see her but she can see you. And if you'll just be patient, you will be re-united with her in time. In the meantime you have to be here for dd1 and when she's older you can tell her all about Tamsin and how she has her own special angel looking out for her.

Your H is not helping you here. I won't pretend for a minute that dh and I are a perfect couple but since Sylvie-Rose died he has truly been a rock for me. Dh would never have dreamed of having five children, that was my idea but he went along with it, for me. And he can't replace Sylvie-Rose but he is doing his damned-est to try to carry some of the load for me. Really, karma, I would prefer to see you and dd1 alone in a tent in the outer Hebrides rather than living in a castle with him!

chip thank you, I read this last night, after I'd started the other one.

Wow, I'm not sure I deserve such nice words, and it's honestly been the one thing that's carried me through - all you lovely ladies.

Must go and get ready to see mum xx

I'm really, really struggling right now.

The psychiatrist prescribed me antidepressants (even though she is worried it may spiral me upwards again), and sleeping tablets. She was concerned about the self-harm.

I couldn't get the antidepressants, as the fax was not sent to the GP, till I rang & asked if the prescription was ready, then the GP was too busy.

Last night I didn't get to sleep till gone 2am. I then got up at 5am, as I couldn't sleep. I went back to bed at 6.30am, and got to sleep after 8am.

DD1 didn't have a nap yesterday, didn't go to sleep till 9pm, woke at 1am, and then slept till 9am... the upshot of this is I didn't get much sleep, and DD1 missed the group - which makes me feel more of a failure. I still feel ill though, with an awful cough.

I'm not sure of how I'm feeling. I know it's not just grief, and it's not just feeling 'low' - it's a lack of care... not even feeling numb, I just don't care. I want to just vanish.

The pain immediately in the aftermath of Tamsin's death was so bad I thought I must surely die from it. But somehow this is as bad. I just feel too much & nothing at all.

I told the psychaitrist I want to jump from the bedroom window - not because it would necessarily kill me, but I know if it didn't it would hurt, and I want to hurt... I don't have any desire to overdose, or anything else, but do so much want to disappear into a black hole.

It hasn't even much to do with DH, I could blame him, but right now I just don't care.

I'm physically exhausted too, which makes looking after DD1 so hard, and I'm comfort eating.

I heard a voice telling me to look out of the window this morning, saying I would see a sign, and I looked - and there was nothing. This has made it even worse, for I now believe that there are no signs & everything is just pointless.

If Tamsin had lived I'd have been happy, but she's not, and right now I so wish I'd taken her place

karma, you sound so depressed. That feeling of lethargy and lack of care sounds like depression. Hang in there for the meds and for them to kick in.

I am sorry you are feeling so low at the moment. It seems like you have switched off your emotions as a way of protecting yourself from overwhelming sadness. You sound exhausted too, so I hope that the medication you have been prescribed will help, and stop the urge to harm yourself.

Hang in there and trust that in time you will feel more positive x

karma, we are all here for you and are all rather fond of you! Please think of that when you are at your lowest xx

chip GRW thanks so much, that made me cry xx

karma, here's my shawl of love which you can snuggle into. It will stop all bad thoughts and feelings. My aunt gave these beautiful words, and I'd like you to have them too :-

Give your self time. Not to get over this loss because you will always grieve but to somehow weave her beauty, her love, your love and your terrible loss into a fabric that can be worn as a shawl of love.

Now you can make your own shawl in whatever colours you like.

Oh Karma I really hope you start sleeping better so you can cope with allowing yourself to have emotions again, thinking of you often x

Beautiful words, Mias! Karma will weave them in all the colours of the rainbow, won't you karma?

I forgot to mention that I saw the psychiatrist alone for a while, then DH came in (my mum was supposed to come, but then decided to babysit DD1 instead)!

When he mentioned the swinging sites etc, he kept saying how down that made him feel, and that it was a 'turn off', which is why he's been so awful (more so), and unfeeling.

To her credit the psychiatrist repeatedly told him that at the time I was very ill (along with the stuff I mentioned here, I did something else, but it's embarrassing to mention, though not as bad as it sounds I guess). He kept mentioning how it made him feel, but she really tried to impress on him, that I was ill, not acting that way because of my personality...

I had to come home. My mum has a tiny bedroom, and it's too small for DD1's cot to fit comfortably. Besides, the fact that I have been down, and scratched myself, would probably make running away look like an irrational act right now, I really need to be stable, especially as I've been so high, and now have crashed.

It's worse than ever, DH is not talking to me - at all. He cooked a meal tonight, and asked if I wanted any by waving the packet in front of me. He refuses to speak to me, throwing my illness in my face, saying he has no problems, and it's all me...

And while I'm overjoyed for Amanda Holden & her rainbow baby, I do wish people would stop referring to Hollie as her second baby - it is her third!

karma, can you privately tell the psychiatrist that the relationship is on the rocks and that you don't want him to be allowed in? I'm glad she stuck up for you but she shouldn't have had to. And if the swinging sites made him feel bad, how does he think the photos on his phone made you feel? And he had no illness so in his case it is his personality!
Hang in there for dd1!

That really annoys me too, about Amanda Holden and Lily Allen. No reference at all to their lovely angel babies!

Hi Karma hang in there, he is certainly very keen to blame you for everything instead of taking responsibility for his own actions. Huge hugs x

Last place I wanted to be - tonight my birthday, should be celebrating, instead crying alone in bed.

We still aren't speaking - he just stopped a couple of weeks ago.

We did try to be intimate the other night, but I stopped - after weeks craving it, I then couldn't go through with it. It didn't help that he said that I only wanted sex so I could get pregnant again, and that I turned him off... so it felt wrong, and I started crying, while he left me in bed.

I desperately tried to talk to him yesterday - and he ignored me.

Today, he did get me a present, but not from DD1, and was so cold in the card he sent me.

To make matters worse DSS is coming up next month for his birthday & DH is taking him out, which really pisses me off - I got up in the night with DD1, I got up this morning with DD1 (while he slept in), he spent all day playing games, while I looked after DD1 (he did cook dinner though), then played games till I came to bed. So I've no respite, no breakfast in bed, no lay-in, no surprise dinner out - nothing, yet next month he will play the bountiful father, and expect me to suck it up. I know it's not DSS's fault (though what DSS has said since Tamsin died has really pissed me off).

I guess I've never been special, never came first. Never been likeable.

I went to Tamsin's grave, and so much want her back, every little rejection from DH makes it worse somehow.

He knows I'm up here crying, but he doesn't care, he just doesn't care.

I'm half tempted to contact his sister on facebook, I can't believe his parents don't know they've had two granddaughters.

So that's it, I'm venting on here, not expecting anyone to read, but just so bloody lonely, and alone, on my birthday - something I've had practise in for years, but assumed marriage would change that.

I'm half-tempted to get dressed & just walk, walk off somewhere, in the cold, anything to get him to notice me, to see I'm in pain, but I know it won't work, several times I have walked out, in the middle of the night, but he never cares... I feel so bloody invisible.

I'm sorry you had such a rotten birthday. He sounds completely insensitive to how you are feeling. i hope you managed to sleep last night x

Karma, so sorry about yesterday. I'm sad and mad that your H continues his thoughtless behaviour towards you. Please do remember that your emotional well-being should not be defined by him. Concentrate on the positive parts of your life - Dd1, your family and your love for Tamsin.

On a lighter note, hope you and dd1 went out and played in the snow today, and that this has lifted your spirits.

Thank you everyone for your support the last few months.

I've decided to withdraw from here. DH has banned me from this site & others, I feel criticised for finding a way around it (using next door's internet), and just have no idea how to proceed anymore.

I'm struggling at the moment & the only support I get is on here, but I now don't feel able to continue. I've deleted my facebook too, as I'm just too depressed to talk to anyone.

Thank you all, and I wish you all the best in the future xx

Oh Karma I really hope you are ok

Take care, and come back when you feel you can. Remember you are cared about here x

Karma, i am sorry you feel that way, and hope you will come back soon. Your H is not behaving in any fair or appropriate manner towards you. We are here if you need us.