Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

For not wanting a sliver of pain during childbirth (support for stillbirth)

557 replies

karmathreefold · 27/10/2011 04:35

and then wanting extreme agony as punishment?

It's my fault... I knew the baby wasn't as active as usual, yet I thought it was OK.

I had a friend who had a stillbirth & she told me to check out any reduced movements - which I did, for my son, DD & in this pregnancy.

But I fucking didn't on tuesday, and I waited till the evening, when I knew it should be more active till I went to hospital.

So now I have to give birth to it. It's fully formed at 37 weeks gestation. If I'd got to hospital on time it could have maybe been saved.

I don't want to feel pain giving birth; yet I feel I deserve it, why not after it's all my fault.

I've never felt such pain as I do no, so maybe even a drugs-free labour would be less painful.

Oh god, I don't want this pain, I can't stand it

OP posts:
moajab · 24/12/2011 00:07

Dear Karma I am sorry I have no advice to give about the terrible way your 'h' is treating you, but just wanted to let you know that another person is thinking of you and your beautiful Tamsin and your DD1 this Christmas. I am praying that 2012 will bring you peace and space to remember Tamsin and to enjoy your DD1. xxx

chipmonkey · 24/12/2011 01:31

exactly what Vicar said. You know we all have a list of Shops we Have Cried In? I cried in Next when I saw household stuff that I would have used to decorate Sylvie-Roses's room. And this was after I had congratulated myself on avoiding the baby girls' section. I was not expecting to see the household stuff when I turned the corner and in exactly the colours I had planned for her room ( Never mind that when she had turned 13 she would likely have painted it black or something) It was being taken unawares that did it and you were taken unawares that day in Boots.
I am fuming that he is refusing to look after dd for you tomorrow unless he is planning some extra special present for you, which I doubt.Sad

RandomMess · 24/12/2011 15:11

Wondering if you're okay today karma, big hugs x

Original poster
karmathreefold · 25/12/2011 00:07

Nope, I'm far from OK. DH has been through my laptop.

I can only see one way out, it should have been me who died, not Tamsin, I so wish it was -- everyone would have been happier

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 25/12/2011 00:24

He has been through your laptop! Like you were his preteen daughter?Angry I'd like to think he'd be ashamed of himself when he reads what you've written but I doubt that he will. Can you ring up your folks and ask if you can spend Christmas with them?

chipmonkey · 25/12/2011 00:26

karma, listen to me, it was NOT you who should have died. I believe with all my heart that this is a test for the likes of you and me. You are honestly being amazing and I'm proud of you. Stay strong.

ThatVikRinA22 · 25/12/2011 13:18

thinking of you today karma - stay strong. You are doing well. so well. Your DH is not.

x

RandomMess · 25/12/2011 19:42

Oh Karma, you and dd1 go to womans aid it seems he is only going to get worse. Thinking of you x

chipmonkey · 26/12/2011 16:08

karma, put a password on your laptop. He doesn't deserve to know your business.

Whatevertheweather · 26/12/2011 16:57

Karma are you okay? Hope Christmas went as well as it could xx

Champchip · 27/12/2011 18:04

Karma, I have been in an abusive relationship like yours but I got out. I got out mainly for my kids, I wanted them to have a happy, stable childhood, not one where they felt their own or my fear and anxiety. For a long, long time I told myself "it's not so bad, I can cope, things will improve once we just get past ...." whatever the issue was. There is never a good time to leave, it is never convenient, but you have to do it for your dd1. It sounds like your mum is willing to help, but not really capable of giving you the solid support you need. Do you know of any shelters? Can you move to another area? It sounds desperate, but there are some very strong people there who can help. You and your dd1 deserve a happy, relaxed life. Make it happen! It is SO much better when you are free!

RandomMess · 28/12/2011 22:03

Thinking of you Karma, hope you're as ok as you can be at the moment x

RandomMess · 29/12/2011 16:38

Thinking of you Karma x

chipmonkey · 29/12/2011 17:37

karma, love, you are in my thoughts.

Whatevertheweather · 29/12/2011 21:08

Still thinking of you Karma If you can, let us know you are doing 'okay' xx

Original poster
karmathreefold · 29/12/2011 22:01

Hi, sorry for the silence, I have been quietly going crazy.

I have been far too euphoric and have actively joined a couple of swinging sites, put adverts on there, and have been talking to people, with a view to meeting up.

DH is none too pleased with me advertising us on these sites, and at my sudden increased - almost obscene - obsession & need for sex. (It was due to something I'd said that he'd gone through my laptop - strangely he didn't look at this site).

So I'm on higher meds, but am now crashing, and very ashamed. I can't understand why I joined these sites (I'm very, very jealous & insecure, and having been abused am usually almost prudish, but have been almost obscene in my pursuit of such things).

Now my mood is dropping, and I feel crap again (I actually felt really, really happy, despite Tamsin).

I wonder if subconciously I was trying to fill the void left by Tamsin, by distracting myself - when I think of Tamsin the pain is still so, so unbearable, it's such a physical pain, in a way it was nice being away from it.

I even confided in my mum that I'd joined these sites, and have emailed some friends asking if they were up for some fun - I've NEVER done anything like this before, it's quite scary how out of control I was, and I'm sort of inbetween right now.

Thanks for caring though. Hope everyone is OK?

Christmas wasn''t as bad as I thought (though tbh I was too 'up' to even cry), the cemetery was crowded, so very fucking unfair!

chip It is horrible to have a 'new' tradition like cemetery visits for xmas day, and no, I never would have imagined it xx I will PM you on FB when I feel more 'normal/stable' xx

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/12/2011 22:09

Don't apologise for the silence we're only concerned for you.

It must be very very hard for you coming down from the europhoria seems horrible. I'm not surprised you've become obsessed with wanting sex - your dh certainly seems to have played away to some extent - those penis photos on his mobile etc etc etc.

Intimacy and closeness even through "meaningless" sex do fill a void temporarily.

After the trauma of what you've been through and all the pregnancy and birth hormones on top of it I'm not surprised your bi-polar meds have needed adjusting.

Be kind to yourself x

notveryinventive · 29/12/2011 22:22

Just seen this thread and couldnt read and run. I havent read it all, but just skimmed through the your posts OP.

Very Very sad Sad so sorry to hear about all your problems.

Just want to offer my condolences really and sat here full of tears for you.

chipmonkey · 30/12/2011 01:46

karma, don't blame yourself. Remember BPD is an illness, it affects the chemicals in your brain and in a way makes you behave like someone on cocaine or similar. It is actually very common for people to have an increased interest in sex when in a "manic" phase, I have heard of people who would have been very conservative experimenting with the sorts of things they wouldn't dream of doing when well. And it probably was the deep pain you have felt at losing Tamsin that has triggered it.

Just concentrate on getting better in the same way that you would if it were pneumonia or the flu. Your meds clearly need adjusting and it may take time before they get them right for you.

And your dh is hardly any angel himself. Considering the pictures he had on his phone, which I'm sure were sent somewhere he's hardly in a position to be annoyed with you.

MiaAlexandrasmummy · 30/12/2011 17:04

Karma, please be gentle on yourself. You obviously subconsciously know that this behaviour isn't 'you' as you told your mother. Like the others here, I would suggest having your meds adjusted as soon as you can.

I understand about the need to fill the void in your life though. But it's hard too. Just concentrate on normal things that you like to do - shopping, baking (and enjoy those thoughts of Tamsin), playing with your DD1. I find walks are good, and a nice trashy sci-fantasy book helps too.

Your need for intimacy also sounds normal to me. If you can go to your Mum's place, or a close friend, I would hope that their hugs and care for you could help you a lot.

Finally, we are here for you. Friends over the ether, but people who care for you. xx

Original poster
karmathreefold · 30/12/2011 17:59

I'm in tears reading this xx So kind of you - all of you.

Miasmummy what you wrote about the rainbow was so touching xx I showed my mum a video of Mia (learning to walk) and she cried, and said how beautiful she is - I really hope you don't mind that I showed her.

Had a letter from the hospital, they couldn't repeat the lupus test, as they needed 12 weeks (you'd really have thought a consultant should have known this). She enclosed a form for me to get it repeated, on it she wrote that I'd tested positive for lupus anticoagulant but also recent pregnancy loss this had me in tears, to think of Tamsin as pregnancy loss AKA remains of human conception, really, really awful - even writing stillbirth would have been better, but now I feel that Tamsin has been negated, that she is irrelevant - no more than a miscarriage at 6 weeks - instead of me being 37 weeks, and her being born!

Ironically if I were to have another baby, they would consider delivery from 34 weeks, so conceivably a sibling would be born 3 weeks earlier, and be a valid human, but her dying in utero means that she is pregnancy loss just as if early miscarriage, don't know why but it upset me, the phlebotomist will no doubt read this, and will not think I had a baby - I don't know why it's upset me so much, I'm being really stupid

OP posts:
Whatevertheweather · 30/12/2011 18:31

Oh Karma I can only echo what others have said. You have been ill on top of the emotional stress of losing Tamsin and your h being an arse. It's no wonder you've been a bit manic. I hope the adjustment to your meds helps you.

As for the hospital letter Angry why can't they realise how their careless words effect bereaved parents. Yes sadly Tamsin was a full term loss in pregnancy but she was a nearly fully grown, viable baby. Your baby. I'm sorry you had to read that xx

Original poster
karmathreefold · 05/01/2012 10:31

Not been on here much, I've been cycling up & down.

Right now the meds are bringing me down again, and I hate it. It's all started up again, I'm so very, very, desperately unhappy. I feel as though I'll never be happy again. I was doing so well, going and meeting friends, getting out - surviving in other words, now I feel like hiding under the duvet all day.

OP posts:
dubaipieeye · 05/01/2012 11:56

Hugs, hugs, hugs Karma. You WILL be happy again, you WILL. Can you get one of the friends you mention to sit under a duvet with you? Sometimes we all need a duvet day - if it is what gets you through. Much love x

chipmonkey · 05/01/2012 12:51

karma, it will take a while to get the meds right. But we all have crap days along with the good ones. I actually find that if I have a couple of good days, then I crash a little bit harder. Be kind to yourself.