For not wanting a sliver of pain during childbirth (support for stillbirth)

[karmathreefold]

and then wanting extreme agony as punishment?

It's my fault... I knew the baby wasn't as active as usual, yet I thought it was OK.

I had a friend who had a stillbirth & she told me to check out any reduced movements - which I did, for my son, DD & in this pregnancy.

But I fucking didn't on tuesday, and I waited till the evening, when I knew it should be more active till I went to hospital.

So now I have to give birth to it. It's fully formed at 37 weeks gestation. If I'd got to hospital on time it could have maybe been saved.

I don't want to feel pain giving birth; yet I feel I deserve it, why not after it's all my fault.

I've never felt such pain as I do no, so maybe even a drugs-free labour would be less painful.

Oh god, I don't want this pain, I can't stand it

Karma, I suspect that the cycle of emotional ups and downs is the life of a bereaved mummy. Well, in my experience. However, I hope your meds are sorted out soon, and it becomes a little easier for you. Surviving is good, I think. I think if I am existing, then I am doing well, and anything more is an unexpected bonus.

Btw, of course I don't mind you showing your mum the video of Mia. I am so proud of her, I would be happy to show off my beautiful girl to the whole world if I could!!

Decided to venture back into the world of toddler groups.

Not at all sure I'm ready, but then will I ever be?

You are brave, well done! But make it as easy on yourself as you can.

Oh God I feel sick! I think I've done the most awful thing, but I was crying & didn't know what to do.

I feel such an awful, evil person!

There was yet another grave at the cemetery this week. It's awful when you see them.

Then I found that it was my son's ex girlfriend's baby. I cried, I cry anyway at each one, but it made me feel sick, that this poor girl had gone through this.

I messaged her mum via facebook, offering my sympathies, saying that I was happy to talk etc. We're not friends on facebook anymore, but we were & I've known her since her daughter was 5 (as was my son), as they went to primary school together.

Then my son acted like a prick (sorry), getting drunk etc, and it ended pretty badly, with DS almost stalking her.

But I couldn't leave it, I'm actually physically shaking right now. I have such a strong impulse to hug the girl, to hold her...

I'm worried sick that they'll think I'm a really horrible person, intruding on their grief, but I just wanted them to know they're not alone.

I've been having a bad week anyway, with my high crashing to a spectacular low...

Don't feel bad KArma. You have done a lovely thing for that girl. You have made contact and let them know that you are there for her if she wants to talk. It is not intruding on their grief. Its acknowledging that you are going through this and you have offered help to someone else going through it too. It is better to acknowledge that this girl has lost a baby, too, rather than ignoring it.
WIth messages via facebook, too, its less invasive because they can be read when the receiver is ready to read them. It s not like knocking on their door and walking into their lounge!

I understand that your emotions have all been trampled on again by seeing another grave, like your dds. Its the shock of that making you feel wobbly about doing that. Don't feel bad. Maybe the mum will get in touch, maybe she wont feel able to, but you have been really kind and caring to hold your hand out to this girl. Relax!!!

And to make it worse I want to phone the bereavement midwife, and I want to do it now, but I can't as 'D'H has put (or thrown out) all the child bereavement leaflets, and isn't bothered in finding them, and want to know why I want them, heaven forbid I make an automonous decision!

Karma if you want to speak to the beraevement midwife you don't need anyone else's permission. It has nothing to do with anyone else including your husband.

Could you try to find the phone number on the internet? Maybe put into google "bereavement midwife [name of hospital/surgery]". Failing that just telephone your surgery or the hospital and ask if someone can find it for you.

I hope you find the number and are able to speak to someone soon. x

Thank you both.

I did find the number, I googled it, I was just in a panic at the time, so shocked that someone I knew had gone through the same thing, it was really shocking, I can't believe how sorry I feel for her, how much I want to hug her xx

karma, I think you did the right thing about that girl and her poor baby. It would be far worse to ignore her sad situation. It isn't intrusive at all, especially how you have done it. I have been touched to hear from "ex-friends" and been very grateful for their kind words.

Have you made an appointment with the bereavement midwife now? Hope so. Remember, it is a personal thing, and no-one else need know or be involved.

How are you Karma? Was thinking of you earlier today x

karma, that girl will be glad you got in touch. You know yourself, any kind words mean a lot, they don't make your grief better but the simple act of letting someone know you are thinking of them can just be that thread they need to hold on to.

theenchantedhood thank you, I've been quite bad today, I think the change in meds has swung me too far back down now, and I'm struggling quite a bit.

We went to the cemetery, and I spent a minute at the grave of the other girl's baby.

Then I came home & had to clear DD1's food cupboard (it desperately needed doing, as things fell out when it was opened).

In amongst DD1's bits, were an unopened tub of Aptamil, several packets of baby rice, and other baby jars, that I'd got for Tamsin (the baby rice & food were left over from DD1, but with a long date, the Aptamil was bought for Tamsin).

I cried, oh god how I cried. I literally fell to the floor in tears at one point.

It was something I'd not wanted to do - it was quite literally the end of looking at these products - designed to provide food, needed to keep a baby alive, and for me - for Tamsin - they were no longer needed...and it hurt!

DH packed them into a bag to take to his charity... this I agree with, as they are useless to me now, and keeping food, which will expire.

I had to get out in the end, and had to walk to get my head clear.

chip I hope the other family take it the right way. I realised last night, that my message settings were done in such a way as only friends could send me messages - so if they replied I wouldn't have received it.

I did think of sending them another message, but won't - at least for a month or so, as it's still so fresh for them xx

I'm sorry you're feeling bad today, and that clearing the food cupboard triggered a grief response. I hope that being able to have a cry helps you to feel better afterwards.
I hope you were able to speak with your bereavement midwife. I'm sure the girl you messaged will appreciate it, as only another bereaved parent can really know how it feels x

Thanks. Yes I did speak to the bereavement midwife, she said that although she thought what I did was nice, she thinks I'm not strong enough to offer support to others, which sucks, as I would love to, but then just knowing that she went through it did bring me down.

I guess that bad days are par for the course, but I feel so indescribably sh*t it's unreal...

I wanted to make myself feel better by singing along with music, but first DH insisted the music was too low, then when I told him that I needed to do this, he let me, so I did... so he's just come in and mocked someone being strangled, then asked if I'd managed to chase the cats out of here... I'm sure that it's hilarious, but it's just really, really pissed me off... In the past I was in a band, I was picked to sing in the county choir when I was young, and have been complimented on my voice now... right now though I feel crap... obviously I was deluded, like I have been in so many things - anything I once thought I was good at, or even just OK, I've come to realise I'm actually rubbish at... there is nothing I'm good at, nothing that makes me even a little bit good.

Even my hair is stupid... I dyed it dark and DH turned around and said he preferred - he told me that it didn't make me look more attractive, just more "intelligent"...

I know how trivial all this sounds, but I can't see any purpose to my life at all right now... it seems that I'm just a source of ridicule

Sorry I meant he insisted I had the music on low, not that he thought it was low.

I'm sorry for ranting, and sounding self-indulgent, I just feel incredibly fragile right now.

When I wanted to listen to music, is when I left the house. DH was in the other room with DD1, and I just pushed on trainers and walked off... I didn't even have a coat on, or socks, and then walked to my mum & dads. DH didn't realise I'd left... when I got back he told me I should tell him how I feel, so I do, then I feel so humiliated, even if what he said was in jest (& I don't think it was), then he should have realised how tearful I am, and have just said "did you enjoy yourself?" or something, not something that just makes me feel worse & inadequate...

He actually suggested a karaoke machine once, now I realise that would be so he could humiliate me further.

why is your dh so determined to keep your self esteem at rock bottom I hope one day soon you gather the strength to leave him. His awfulness just keeps surprising me.

Be kind to yourself and recognise that your h is happy to keep you low and dependent on him

Your dh isn't helping at all, and doesn't seem to try to understand. You may not be strong enough to support other bereaved parents at the moment, but in time when you are feeling stronger I'm sure it's something you will be able to do, and it will help you to feel better too x

Random yes DH is a riot... last night I was talking about my hair being 'fine', then instead of ending on a negative I turned it into a positive saying "like fine wine", to which he replied "yes, fine wine is old", then he ribbed me about my "beard" (I have had facial hair since a teen, and he never knew till i mentioned it when having Tamsin, as I needed tweezers), my age, my facial hair problem, both really, really sensitive things for me, and when I'm down anyway, it just makes me feel like sh*t.

GRW I'm sure it would help me to feel better, I'm still shocked just how much this girl has affected me, I really, really want to hug her, I hate that others feel pain like this, I wish I had a magic wand xx

I had a bad night last night.

First I woke at 2.30am, and was sick... I then lay in the dark for over an hour, trying to stay still & not be sick.

Then, just as I was getting off to sleep, some youngsters started having a fight just outside, and it lasted for an hour, till the police turned up.

Then I went to sleep on the sofa, as DH's snoring was keeping me awake.

I was in deep sleep, when DD1 woke me up. I struggled to find a light, and realised there was a powercut, and her nightlight was off.

I took her into our bed, but she decided to play up, so I found her lightshow, turned it on, put it in her cot, and listened to her play - this was an hour before we got up.

This morning I took her to a group, in the same building as DH works.

I was fine (a little withdrawn though), and then a woman turned up, with a 6 week old baby, and I started to get really panicky & sick. I texted DH, who came in & asked if I wanted to go home (which I did, but DD1 was having fun, so said no), and he sat with me for a while, till he had to go back.

Then someone he works for came in & spoke to the leader of the group, and told her what had happened... she said I should have confided, as it's easier for others to help then.

I feel a bit stupid now. One for crying & looking like a freakish, incapable mother, and two, for not confiding.

I also realise that my sickness last night, was a direct result about fearing today.

On the positive side, everyone commented on how confident DD1 is (she is, and she's always cuddling other children, 'mothering' them almost).

Karma, I don't think you should feel silly. I think you have done amazingly well today to go to your DD1's class, given the fear and sickness you have been feeling beforehand. You have been brave!! And don't dwell about not telling the class leader about Tamsin - she knows now, and it will be easier in the future, as she will be able to identify situations which may be hard for you. No-one will be judging you, they will want to help, especially other mothers. xx

I'm writing this on here, as I don't want to contaminate the other thread with my awful thoughts. Please do not read on if my ramblings may upset you, as I don't want to upset anyone, but need to get it out and vent/rant.

So I'm depressed, not unusual in the circumstances maybe, but this is by far the worse I felt, since I was actally hospitalised, and I'm worried.

I've been wanting to sleep far more than usual (not helped by DD1 deciding that the middle of the night is playtime, and she had no naps yesterday). I was on the sofa, as I was horrible to DH last night, and he saw messages I sent others on facebook, even though they were a long time ago, he was angry.

And as hard as I tried, I did scratch my arm... I'm not at all proud, but I just needed physical focus for the pain inside... which is so intense it's numbing.

My thoughts are scattered. I'm of course devastated by Tamsin, pissed off more than words can say, by what my friend said yesterday (I agree with everyone who said that she is not a friend), my period started last week, stopped a few days ago, and started again last night... all such painful reminders that I am not pregnant.

Then there is another issue. I don't know if I ever mentioned this; DH wanted me to abort Tamsin. When he found out I was pregnant he told me to abort 'it'. I did discuss it with the GP, but of course I never, ever intended to. When I went to the booking in appointment with the midwife I told DH that I was going to a 'pre abortion' counselling thing... of course I know that was wrong, but I wanted her so much (she was not planned, that is the honest truth, but I felt fate had decided this (we were using protection).

DH told me that he never wanted another baby with me. I of course, did admit to him that I was keeping the baby. But he didn't even attend the nuchal scan, so upset was he at the time.

Of course he changed his mind, when he got his head round it (his concerns were my moods with DD1, but I wasn't as moody, or ill, with Tamsin). And of course he did want her in the end.

One thing haunts me though; the last scan, days before she died, we were in waiting room, and he bemoaned the procedure to get an abortion, how difficult they made it - and she may have already been struggling then... I can't forgive him for that, I just can't.

I can't help think that maybe she knew he hadn't wanted her, and decided not to be born, or knew I'd be a terrible mother...

I can barely bear to look at DH, all these people looking at him when he cries over her, not knowing that as late as 14 weeks he still wanted her gone.

His rejection of her, seems like a rejection of me too. He always wanted another baby with his ex, yet only wanted DD1 with me, so my friend's comments cut deep yesterday, knowing that of course DH agrees with her.

The future seems so bloody hopeless... I really hate my life right now, I know I'm being a selfish cow, but I'm so unhappy & see no way out.

My CPN has scheduled an emergency appointment with the psychiatrist on monday, and did ask if I wanted to see him today... but then rang saying that he'd been caught up, and monday is not that far away

karma, hang in there!

First of all, babies don't live or die depending on whether they were wanted by both parents or not. If that were the case there would be far fewer babies born, given the number of reluctant Dads.
at your dh even mentioning abortion when you were so close to your due date. That was his own baby he was talking about! And you are NOT a bad Mum, I have seen your ds and dd1 on FB and they both look and sound lovely!

As bereaved Mums we all have our bad days and when they are bad, they are so very bad, aren't they? But you are a great person, you have battled through, despite all your problems and you can keep going!

Karma, you are right to see your CPN. It's time to focus on yourself, and ignore negative comments your DH and your 'friend' as they are only bringing you down. You can still make changes to your life. There has been a lot of advice here about moving away. All that still holds true.

In the end, Tamsin remains your beloved daughter. That is undeniable. Hold onto that. I can't pretend to understand your DH's opinions about her, but I don't know if it is useful for you to dwell on that at the moment, being so sad, unless it is the impetus to help you make a change...

Often, the only way I can deal with the loss of Mia is by holding onto all the beautiful thoughts I have of her, and I cling to the love I hold for her - especially when life seems bleak and hopeless. She is my little beacon of light. You have Tamsin, and your gorgeous bright DD1 as your focus of joy and love. Bask in their deliciousness, and use them to give you that little bit of extra strength when you need it. (Although I happen to think you are far stronger and more courageous than you realise.)

I understand what you mean about wanting relief from the pain inside... it is exhausting. I also get desperate, wanting to escape the pain, even for a little while. But please, harming yourself is not the right way to deal with it, and you know that.

Time to be constructive...How's the chimney going at your mum's place? Can you stay there for the weekend, and ask her to keep you busy and your brain away from negative thoughts??? For me, being organised into stuff does help, even if I don't particularly want to do whatever is suggested. Ring some friends, and organise a walk or a lunch or even pizza in front of the TV. Sometimes even doing something nice for someone else helps...

I know you can do it. 100% confident in you.