Any suitable bereavement groups for me?

[missdisorganised1]

I am 18 but feel older. My Mum and Dad died 11 months ago so I went to live with my Nan and Granddad until I was 18. I am back in the family home now, still at school and managing (a bit hand-to-mouth) on the living allowance given out by the trustees of Mum and Dads estate.

Are there any suitable bereavement groups for my age?. There seems to be stuff for the under 18's and I once visited an adult group with Nam where I was the youngest by 20 years.

I would like to talk to people more my own age but I see school friends eyes start to glaze over if I answer "How are you?" truthfully.

so sorry to hear about your mum and dad, missdis. Do you have siblings?

I'm not sure I can help but didn't want this to go unanswered. I'm sure there'll be loads of people along with suggestions for you.

No just me to think about which given my user name here might be for the best.

Lol, all 18 yr olds are disorganised Missd!

You're an adult now, perhaps you could ask your gp about some bereavement counselling?

Though, I guess it's people of your own age you need isn't it?

Please has anybody any ideas??

Sometimes I feel I am silently drowning and my A2 exams this year decide my whole future.

hello mis

I can't answer your question immediately but do you want a group and would one to one help?

The Laura Centre is a Leicester based charity serving the East Midlands. We offer support to anyone who is affected by the death (or anticipated death) of a child and for any child or young person, up to the age of 25 who is affected by the death (or anticipated death) of a parent or carer.

The loss may have happened at any time and from any cause. People come to us immediately after the death as well as many years later.

We believe in a culture of compassion for all bereaved families. We provide a range of free therapy services for both adults and young people; training and consultancy for professionals as well as information and resources

If you do not easily find the information you require, please contact us.contact us.

Their web site can be googled under The Laura centre

I suspect sourcing a group will depend on knowing your location. You shouldn't disclose this online but that group might help you finding a local group.

I'm not sure that I can offer any specific advice. Hopefully there will be others who can.

You have been through a terrible experience.

I know it probably feels as though you are drowning. Bereavement is like that. It catches you at different ways at different times.

The best analogy I have come across is that of a waterfall. The river flows gently along until it comes to the waterfall at which points it tumbles down uncontrollably.

The pool of water at the bottom is in turmoil, all churned up and without direction.

Gradually the water makes its way to the edges of the pool and eventually starts to flow again.

It is the same water but the river will never again be the same. But it is a river and it does flow on eventually.

I hope you find someone to talk to. Please don't be afraid of asking for help.

I think your school might be the place to try. In a school of say 1200 pupils it is a sad fact that the every year there will be pupils who lose a parent. I'm sure that they will have some contructive ideas to help you.

I don't know how religious or secular you are but churches can be very supportive regardless of faith issues.

I think you do need some time out with friends time. Your parents would have wanted that for you and so should the trustees.

Hi

I am very sorry to learn of the death of your parents.

You will probably find a teenage group via the hospice closest to you. It will not be an issue that your parents did not die there. Support is for you as the bereaved.

I hope these links help:
www.rd4u.org.uk/ (Has a helpline you can call.)
www.childbereavement.org.uk/information_support/cbt_shop/309
www.mariecurie.org.uk/Documents/PATIENTS-CARERS-FAMILIES/Updated-pdf/teenage-grief-guide.pdf

How are you today missdis?

There's also Cruse Bereavement Care They may be able to come up with ideas for you.

How much RL support do you have? Are you living alone? Are you worried about money? Is there a friend or family member who could help you seek out more support?

Obviously you don't have to give any more details than you want but please keep posting if you need to.

I would second contacting Cruse - they will be able to help. How is your day going today?

For support I have my Nan and Granddad living quite close. They looked after me after the accident until I was 18 and were the ones who told me that my Mum and Dad had been killed. They sat either side of me at the funeral and also beamed love and support as I stood at the front to read the eulogy. I also have an aunt and an uncle, who are the trustees of my Mum and Dads estate, I like them a lot but as they live an hour+ away I don?t see them very often. The Head of Year 13 has been very helpful and kind to me and I know I can always go to her if I am having a bad day. She gets her hankie box out and listens patiently to me. My form tutor is not so good. He tends to start conversations with, ?Now your Mum and Dad are in heaven ??.

I have boy and girl friends at school but I think that some of the parents are a bit wary of me going out socially with their sons now I live in the house of my own. That?s what I heard anyway.

Money is a bit hand-to-mouth. I am never really short but I never seem to have enough to have much fun either. But the trustees did let me buy a car and the school gave me a ?special dispensation? to take it to school so I can go shopping at lunchtime or on the way home. My body took a while to get over all the nastiness and my periods stopped for ages and only started again in November.

I bump along I suppose. Mostly I am what I would score as 6/10. The job I am really dreading is sorting out and giving away Mum and Dads clothes. I hardly go into their bedroom, just to close the curtains, so its not urgent. I don?t like going to their grave either but Nan took me on Christmas Eve. You can actually see part of the cemetery from the sixth form common room but luckily not the part they are in.

Derek from school who lives 5 doors down the road is taking me to the cinema tonight. I think he has been plucking up courage to ask me out for a while. His Mum knew my Mum through drama group.

I think you are doing amazingly well and a credit to your parents.

I'd just like to say again don't be afraid to ask for help.

As for those other parents, they probably don't know how to react to your situation.

Keep posting if you need to and have a lovely evening at the cinema.

My dad also died when I was 18 - so I have a small inkling about what it is like.

If you are concerned over your exams then the school is to place to go and talk specifics. Maybe deferring for a while, or some kind of consideration from the exam board.

I had particular problems concentrating on revising (dad died 6 months before my A level exams (and it was all exam based then).

I lost my parents in an accident too - I was in my 20's and living independently at the time so not quite the same situation, and it was a long time ago now, but I just wanted to say go easy on yourself. It is still early days. You are doing well, it takes a long time to regain some equilibrium after something like that.

Hope you have a good evening at the cinema.

As Barley says, don't be afraid to ask for help. It's probably quite a big step to call one of those organisations but if you can, take that step... All you would need to say is "I'm 18, my mum and dad died 11 months ago, and I could do with a bit of support"

They will know what to say, what to suggest, and how to help. They have loads of experience in such situations. If you wanted to be more specific and ask about talking to people of your own age you could also do that. They will know how to help you.

Keep posting Missd, if you feel like it...you'll find much kindness and support here, although we are old fogeys compared to you (Well, I'm speaking for myself here of course - I have a dd who's 18)

I am going to make some phone calls tomorrow. People here have made me realise that I am not coping, just surviving. I think I need some expert help to point me in the right direction.

I seemed to get a lot done today. I have phoned various groups, some that people on Mumsnet suggested other from the school.

What I said was "I'm 18, my mum and dad died 11 months ago, and I am not coping very well at the moment"

I also asked some of these people about perhaps having a lodger. There is a girl (19) a few miles away in a similar situation and they wondered about us sharing a house and "supporting each other a bit"

What do people here think?

Hi missd, only just seen this.

My first thought is that living alone is tough on you, perhaps more so at your age, and especially when you have so recently lost your parents. On the face of it, especially someone your age sounds a great idea.

If this idea has been suggested by one of the Counselling groups then I think it's worth following up - without committing yourself.

Have they suggested any counselling?

Perhaps you would have a chance to meet this girl socially and just chat?

My advice would be to keep an open mind. So yeah, look into it.

And well done for taking those steps. It can't be easy.

Although I have been busy with school stuff most of the day the Deputy Head took me down to the CAB for a chat about what it would mean to have a lodger.

AND I have had an extra session of bereavement counselling after school which has left me feeling really tired.

Sometimes I feel so angry inside. Even angry with my Mum and Dad for leaving me in this s**y situation that never goes away. That makes me feel guilty and horrid and childish and all sorts of negative things.

Sorry but I have only just seen this thread.

OP, I think you need to grasp every possible source of support you can find. Then drop the ones that don't seem to be helping you. I think that having a lodger could be a good idea providing they realise that it is YOUR house and providing they know about your current (sad) position. It will soon be 12 months since you lost your Mum and Dad. After that I hope and think you will start to find that things will slowly improve.

Hi missd,

As deja says, take all the help you can get and push for more...which is basically what you are doing. Well done. I send you a very un-mumsnetty HUG! You are the same age as my dd and I think you need all the love and hugs you can get!

Well done on the physics thing (I saw you on the other thread).

Don't worry about feeling angry - it's normal and natural and, even probably necessary. Even being angry with your mum and dad! They would understand. It will pass, I promise you.

School was OK.

Coming back again to an empty house was not OK.

I am just so tired of feeling so unhappy all the *** time! Not sleeping very well, not eating very well and Granddad is not very well. So crap really.

But I will battle on because that's just what has to be done.

missd, I'm so sorry you're having a bad day.

Of course coming home to an empty house must be horrible.

How about moving back with your Grandp's for a while? They live near you right? So your school routine wouldn't be upset. Do you think you could give each other support and company? Cheer up your Granddad?

Then have another go at living on your own or with a lodger/housemate in a few months' time.

Do you talk much to your aunt/uncle? If you get on with them don't hesitate to reach out to them, too. Do they know how tough you're finding things?

Sending another hug.