Any suitable bereavement groups for me?

[missdisorganised1]

I am 18 but feel older. My Mum and Dad died 11 months ago so I went to live with my Nan and Granddad until I was 18. I am back in the family home now, still at school and managing (a bit hand-to-mouth) on the living allowance given out by the trustees of Mum and Dads estate.

Are there any suitable bereavement groups for my age?. There seems to be stuff for the under 18's and I once visited an adult group with Nam where I was the youngest by 20 years.

I would like to talk to people more my own age but I see school friends eyes start to glaze over if I answer "How are you?" truthfully.

Hi missdis
Hope Friday went better at school.

MissDis - I am really, really sorry to hear about your Mum & Dad :(

You are doing amazingly well, I'm really proud of you and I'm sure all of your Grandparents are too.

Living alone at 18, dealing with all the school stuff, decisions to be made, bills to pay etc is a big ask anyway, but to be doing it a few months after losing both of your parents is amazing.

If this other girl does move in, you will make sure it's a 'flatmate' situation and not a lodger situation wont you?! (So she would look after herself and not expect you to!). When I was young what worked best for me was to shop separately and have our own shelves in the fridge and our own cupboards etc but other people like shopping together and sharing the cooking - you just have to see what's right for you both. Also, I would only agree to a months trial - you may find you don't like having someone else living in your parents house.

What is causing the problem with the 'smart attire'? Is it that you don't have enough clothes or is it that you aren't managing to wash or iron them so that they look smart? If it's that - is it lack of enthusiasm (totally understandable) or lack of ability (it's not that easy if you've always had someone do it for you) If it's that can we help in anyway? If it's that you don't have enough clothes then surely you can just ask the trustees for some more money?

Also, it sounds like you need to ask your trustees for an allowance/a greater allowance so that you have a bit of going out money. Of course it wouldn't be good to blow lots on 'partying' and you sound too sensible for that, but you do need to be able to go out for a coffee, go see a movie etc

Big hugs x

Re The Balloons - I think you should do something that you want to do and not just go along with what everyone else thinks you should do. Maybe something your Mum & Dad liked to do, or something you all did together.

However, I personally wouldn't release balloons because each one can kill several animals/birds :(

How about planting a tree somewhere?

Putting some notes inside a balloon and tying it onto a tree for a few days?

Writing a letter and keeping it?

Giant bubbles?

I hope you can think of something that would give you that 'release'.

I am as ready for the anniversary tomorrow as I can be.

I have got two small shrubs from a garden centre and I have dug holes half way down the garden for them to be planted in tomorrow. I have written a letter to Mum and Dad and I have got two tiny plastic boxes for copies of the letters to go in. The boxes and letters will go into the holes as well.

The smart business clothes problem at school happened because I was just too busy and stressed to do a wash and an iron and so I ran out of things to wear that met the school guidlines.

Hi missdis
It sounds like your very organised for tomorrow - I think your Mum and Dad would be so proud of you, and that's a lovely way to remember them.
I shall be thinking about you tomorrow, along with many other mumsnetters no doubt. You sound like a really special young lady.
I hope you can enjoy a few happy memories tomorrow, amongst the sadness that the day will hold for you.
As for now....well you'd best get on with the laundry!

MissDis

I will be thinking about you tomorrow. I hope you find tomorrow a way of remembering happier memories with your parents as well as your grief at losing them.

Just wanted to say my thoughts are with you tomorrow.
I lost both my parents too though I was in my 30s. It is hard enough to go through at my age so I think you are doing amazingly well to be coping the way you are at 18.

Have school written a letter to your first choice university stating the circumstances? I'm not sure if it can be sent direct or needs to go through UCAS but I would look into it if I was you. I'm not suggesting you won't get the grades but if you miss the points mark slightly, then the letter will certainly allow them to see the circumstances under which you have been living/coping/studying this last year.

You are doing fantastically well but please allow yourself time to grieve too. It is not important for you to 'pull yourself together and get on with things.' I say that because that's what I kept telling myself. What I really needed was to sit down and cry and be angry. I found the anxiety and build up to the first anniversary far worse than the day itself. Hope tomorrow passes as well as it can.

missdis
Thinking of you today.

MissDis - I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you today.

You are doing remarkably well to be coping as well as you are at any age. The death of both parents is a HUGE thing to deal with. I'm very proud of you coping with it at 18 and sorting your life out, not just crumbling into a heap at your Grandparents.

However, it is important to grieve and not to bottle it all up. You need to trust one of your friends to understand and to be there for you when you need a hug and someone to hold you when you cry.

x

Hi,
I have been thinking of you today. I hope you got to do what you wanted.
Take care x

Also thinking of you today Missdis.

How wonderful to plant the trees in your garden... I hope everything went alright.

Sending you some hugs and love on such a sad day.

Monday went much as I expected. Assorted friends and family came to the different parts of the day but all four Grandparents plus my Aunt and Uncle were there for everything. My Aunt and my closest friend from school were great and concentrated on seeing that I was OK while the Grandparents had their own ?who can be the most openly sad? competition.

I had two versions of the letter to Mum and Dad that I buried with the bushes I planted in the garden. The version I read out didn?t include the all bits that would have told people how angry and cheated I?m feeling about all that has happened. Only my Aunt knows the whole story.

Yesterday was very strange. I went back to school and my life goes on. Luckily it isn?t long until I have my new house sharer or lodger moving in.

Hi missed, just seen this thread. I lost both of my parents when I was seventeen, (some years ago now). I havent read all of the posts on here but wanted to press you to talk to someone. I didnt and I so wished I had, I really understand the anger and feeling cheated. Its really horrible and shit at times, I`ve had times of feeling terrible resentment with other people who still have their parents, or moan about them for really silly things. I built up so much anger for them, especially my mum although Im not sure why more so for her, and yes I miss them constantly. I think getting a lodger is a great idea, as the evenings and weekends can sometimes seem very long. Someone told me that the best way that I could honour my parents was to live my life as full as possible. Look the reality is, we cant change what has happened, but it does get better I promise you its about learning stratagies to help you. Im not sure that this post will help you at all,its a bit all over the place, sorry, but find when I write about it it comes out all over the place and garballed!!!! but I wanted you to know that you are not alone and I totally understand where you are, if you want to chat, please let me know xx

thinking of you misssed

You got through it. Hope you don't feel bad about the twoversions of the letter, you shouldn't.

X

I am glad that Monday was OK and really happy that you can talk openly to your Aunt. That is so important. It must have been dreadful for you too boohoohoo, but great that you've got some advice for missdis, and can really understand what she's going through.

Hope things have calmed down at school and that the Dep. H of Y has found something important to concentrate on.

My new flatmate is moving in on Saturday which is a good thing as I seem to be struggling again. The first anniversary gathering seemed like the end of the mourning time for the rest of the family. Just leaving me on my own feeling as sad and angry as ever.

Its the feeling so angry that is hardest to manage. And being called an orphan by my form tutor.

Hi missd,

How are things going? I guess the flatmate has moved in...I hope that goes well for you both.

Did you ever manage to make any progress with getting more bereavement support? The anger that you feel is completely normal but I'm sure it would be good for you to be able to express it from time to time. The anger will pass, remember, eventually, although the mourning is not over, not for you nor for any of your mum and dad's family.

Someone said upthread that she wished she'd got herself more support in the early years of her grief. I hope that you can do that.

Am thinking of you.

I have had my new house mate living here for a week and so far it is working out OK.
She seems to cope with her grief better than me, her husband was killed in December 2009, but she seems able to focus on the good memories. Perhaps being 23 makes her more sensible? I had a very weepy day on Wednesday and even had to retreat to the far end of the school site to hide for a bit.

At school there are still a few minor ?issues?. Tutor groups are a mix of year 12 and year 13 students and just by chance most of my group are in year 12. I am in year 13 and so I don?t know them as friends and that makes me feel rather isolated. It is half term coming up next week but the school is offering extra lessons on Monday and Tuesday so I will go in then.

I asked the family members who help me look after my money for extra money for new clothes for school and they gave me a decent chunk to at least I will not get into more trouble for not wearing ?smart business attire?.

The last news in that my Head Teacher has spoken to the Admissions Officer at my first choice university and I am now on his radar as a special case if my grades slip a bit.

Glad to hear having a housemate is going OK. It will be different for her as she was already an independent adult. I'm sure you've been told no two people's grief is the same. Tears are going to keep coming, that's normal.

Well done for keeping up a positive attitude to progressing your education. Take all the help/support offered.

great to have your news missd. I often check this thread to see how you're doing.

Agree it may be (slightly) easier for your housemate because of her age etc.

Please, please take and ask for all the support you can. It won't change the terrible tragedy that happened to you but it just might help you get past it...which is what your Mum and Dad would have wanted I'm sure.

Lots of love.

It seems such a long time since I posted here. My house-mate lasted three weeks before telling me that she would be working away during the week for the next few months to cover a maternity leave. This removed part of the reason for having her share the house with me. Having her around had been helping me but now I feel as if I am slipping back.

I am living in the family house on my own 5 days a week and also battling to keep up with school work. At least the end of the school part is getting closer and closer and my revision test results are holding up.

Hi missd,

Just read all of your story. im sorry to hear your lodger is working away.

Is there any way (and would you feel able to) sell or move out of the family home into a flat? maybe somewhere where there is more support around you, and other teenagers?

I hope you are doing ok today, you are being amazingly strong, even when you dont feel it.

Sorry to hear your lodger is working away. Rather defeats the purpose doesn't it.

Hang on in there. As you say end of school is nearly here and then a whole new phase will open up. Well done with your revision test results.

I really feel for you dealing with all of this.

MN is a mine of useful information and support. Keep posting when you need to.

The problem is that the lodger is paying the rent for the full 7 days a week but is only able to stay in my house for 2 nights. The money side of it doesn't bother her because her firm is paying all the bills in her 5 days a week B@B while she is working away from home for them.

So even if I wanted to I cannot just chuck her out and look for somebody "better". But the whole point of having a house sharer was to avoid exactly what is still happening, which is coming home to an empty house.