Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Any suitable bereavement groups for me?

243 replies

missdisorganised1 · 06/01/2011 20:06

I am 18 but feel older. My Mum and Dad died 11 months ago so I went to live with my Nan and Granddad until I was 18. I am back in the family home now, still at school and managing (a bit hand-to-mouth) on the living allowance given out by the trustees of Mum and Dads estate.

Are there any suitable bereavement groups for my age?. There seems to be stuff for the under 18's and I once visited an adult group with Nam where I was the youngest by 20 years.

I would like to talk to people more my own age but I see school friends eyes start to glaze over if I answer "How are you?" truthfully.

OP posts:
trumpton · 25/06/2011 13:22

Have sent you a PM.

trumpton · 25/06/2011 13:23

Oh that was a message for MissD. Blush maybe I should namechange to DisorganisedTrumpton

motn · 26/06/2011 00:27

Hi missdis, well done so far and good luck for Monday.

Your Mum and Dad would be so proud of you, of how brave you've been.... lots of love to you..... keep us posted.

xx

(I was mumonthenet but shortened it!)

Original poster
missdisorganised1 · 26/06/2011 13:38

My last exam is tomorrow. Physics so it should not be too bad. Then it will be the long wait to hear if I have got the grades. I have got to get 280 points (BBC) to go to my nearest university to study Forensic and Applied Biology.

I don't think I could have done any more than I have so if I don't get what I need it was because I wasn't good enough. I don't think I believe in heaven and hell but if my Mum and Dad are looking down at me and shaking their head at the state of the house (and garden) at least they should know that I did all I could be a scientist like they both were. I know they didn't mean to leave me behind when they had to go to where ever you go after a sudden violent death. Perhaps it just wasn't my time yet.

Back to the books now. Please beam brainy thought towards me on Monday.

OP posts:
barleywood · 26/06/2011 13:53

Brainy thoughts, brainy thoughts, brainy thoughts.

Not that I think you need them. You're doing great.

My two young ones are both scientists so I admire what you are doing.

You've come this far. You should be proud of yourself. I am sure your parents would be very proud of you.

empirestateofmind · 26/06/2011 15:21

Wishing you luck for the Physics. You are doing so well. I have been following your story and am in awe of your fortitude.

I will be thinking of you on results day in August and keeping my fingers crossed.

bumpybecky · 26/06/2011 15:30

sending very brainy thoughts :)

motn · 26/06/2011 22:29

brainy thoughts missdis, lots of brainy thoughts!!

You deserve to do well, but gad, no-one could possibly blame you if all these exams turn out to be a disaster...after all that you've been through.

You'll be able to retake if necessary and probably defer your offers so don't worry too much .....PLEASE!!!

I'm really proud of you - regardless of your results. And I'm sure your Mum and Dad are too.

wilbur · 26/06/2011 22:32

Good luck, missdis, and so well done for getting this far.

DanFmDorking · 26/06/2011 22:48

Good luck for your last exam

saffronwblue · 27/06/2011 06:31

Sending brainy thoughts. You should be so proud of yourself - you must have just felt like curling into a little ball under the duvet forever and instead you have set yourself these high goals. I don't think your Mum and Dad would care about the house or garden. They would be shaking their heads in awe at your strength and persistence.
Something tells me you are going to be a very good scientist!
I hope you have some treats and nurturing lined up for after the exams. It is normal to feel quite flat after a huge effort like this and not know what to do with yourself.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 27/06/2011 06:50

Good luck x

trumpton · 27/06/2011 08:39

This letter from my DD ( years ago when she was sitting her finals)---

---- Things are plodding along her, getting a bit tricky, but trying to get on with it.I was thinking i hope you aren't expecting miracles!? I'll be happy to pass! that's all I wanted to say just so you're not disappointed or anything. I know you wouldn't be just, no hopes to be got up alright?

Sorry to say that, but from my other marks you might think I'd do well, but I dont want you to think that because I am not sure this will go well.

This all sounds a bit daft but I am allowed to sound daft at this point and I dont think anyone else at this stage is thinking straight! although this is the time we are supposed to be the straightest in all our lifes!! I wish we could just go in and they could suck all the knowledge out and look at that!! and look at how hard we'd worked and work out marks from that!!!

Blergh. Ah well, I guess I've just got to get on.

Don't go worrying about me now will you, Cos theres only a few days left and then everything will be fine!! At least I'll be able to get the house clean again, it's the filfiest it has ever been and my room is a tip !!

xxx-

The phrase " I wish we could just go in and they could suck all the knowledge out and look at that!! and look at how hard we'd worked and work out marks from that!! "

has stayed with thro the years. I am sure you are feeling the same and haven't had the presence and support of your parents. I am in awe of you Chicken

SoloIsAHotCougar · 27/06/2011 12:04

Wow! what a brave young lady you are missd I hope that today has gone very well for you, you certainly deserve to do well. :)

Original poster
missdisorganised1 · 27/06/2011 14:05

Now my exams are over I suppose I count as having officially left school. As I walked out from the exam room I was intercepted by the Head of Sixth Form who took me to see the Head Teacher. They said all sorts of nice things about me and I am going to be awarded the Overcoming Adversity prize at the Celebration of Achievement event held in September. It felt strange walking out of the school for the last time especially are there are still lessons going on for most groups. Everything seemed remote and unreal.

I?m in a daze at the moment. I seem to been focused on these exams for as long as I can remember and I don?t know what I will do with all my free time. I am going to be so disappointed if I don?t get the grades but I?m quite hopeful that I will. Fingers crossed. A group of us are going out tonight ? nothing too expensive.

The first job is to get the house tidied up as the trustees who look after my money are coming to visit me tomorrow morning. We need to discuss money (again) as my lodger is leaving soon and I need to know how much money I am going to be allocated.

OP posts:
SoloIsAHotCougar · 27/06/2011 14:39

Very good luck with everything missd :)

saffronwblue · 27/06/2011 23:48

Congratulations on your prize Miss D and for getting yourself through this challenging exam patch. Wow!
It is a weird feeling when it is all over. I remember wandering around knowing there was all this stuff I had been longing to do while I was studying and not being able to remember what it was.
Transitions in your life are always going to trigger fresh grief for your parents - be really gentle on yourself and I reckon a very token tidy should be good enough for the trustees.

Original poster
missdisorganised1 · 02/07/2011 08:53

Well I think I have decided what to do. If I get the grades to go to uni I will rent out the family house and live in the halls of residence during term time and live with Nan and Grandad during the holidays. I don't think I will be able to manage financially unless I do this.

The job I am really dreading is sorting out and giving away Mum and Dads clothes and their possessions. I will have to do this before I can rent out the house. Since they died I have hardly ever gone into their bedroom, just to clean or close the curtains. Renting the house out to strangers just reinforces that they are really dead and will not be coming back. But it is going to have to be done sometime.

OP posts:
trumpton · 02/07/2011 09:11

I do empathise with that feeling. After Dad died I had to sort out his bungalow to rent out and it was very hard. I kept the tie he wore for DD's wedding and just a few other things in a memory drawer( maybe a box would be be better for you.) Can you keep a room in the house locked up or a built in cupboard to store things in. We rented a cottage recently ( holiday ) and there was a Big cupboard locked.

When I sorted mum's it was because she was going into residential care so was done in two stages IFSWIM so so how wasn't as hard.

Can you find a friend to be with you while you sort ? It does help to have company.

Original poster
missdisorganised1 · 03/07/2011 16:45

Two friends have offered to help me so perhaps it will not be too bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
missdisorganised1 · 23/07/2011 17:51

I am back here. I am not feeling too bad except for the empty ache I feel sometimes. There was a wedding in the Malta hotel when we were there. It made me cry (in private in the ladies loos) that if I get married there will be a gap on the top table and no Dad to take me down the aisle (spelling?)

I really do have to sort Mum and Dad's clothes and possessions. My best friend is going to help me because I really didn't want adult company around for this job. (No I don't know why either, just the way it is).

I have also looked at the gravestones on-line. I really would like to put something about that they died together in a road accident so would my aunt but GParents are very anti this. More trauma.

Not too long until the exam results now.

OP posts:
saffronwblue · 24/07/2011 08:54

Miss Dis there are going to be many times in your future when you feel that ache. They should be there and they are not. It is bloody unfair.

But your life is still going to be full of people who love and care about you.
It is really good that you are listening to your feelings, like not wanting an older adult around while you and your friend go through the clothes.

I am sorry that you all want different things on the gravestones. Can you put somehihng more generic like "together in life and death"? Is it that your grandparents don't want reference to the car accident itself? Forgive me if I have misunderstood this.

Good luck waiting for the results.

Original poster
missdisorganised1 · 26/07/2011 15:49

Grandparents have changed their mind about the gravestone. They told me that as they would be reunited with Mum and Dad soon it was fairer if I could choose the wording on the stone.

I've finally sorted out Mum and Dad clothes and taken the nicer items to a local charity shop. It wasn't nearly as bad I had thought it was going to be but I'm glad I had a friend with me. I've also sorted through the books and magazines that they had collected over the years. I've kept a few, including the ones they were in the middle of when they got killed, but most have gone to a different charity shop. Finally all their more personal possessions have been listed and the family can have anything that I don't want for myself. I'm going to keep Mum's engagement and wedding rings - perhaps for me to use myself when I get older. I'm keeping the photos and a few recordings with Mum and Dad's voices on. I was a bit weepy towards the end.

Now I have just got to wait for the exam results. Hopefully I will get the grades I need. I haven't really got a plan B.

OP posts:
saffronwblue · 01/08/2011 08:55

So glad that you can have the wording you want. And well done on the sorting out of their things. That is huge. And hard.
Fingers crossed for the exam results.

motn · 03/08/2011 23:11

So glad your grandparents have reached that conclusion, the right and fair one. They sound like good people - ...some families would have fallen out over something like that! So now you can take your time and choose whatever you're happy with.

What a tough job the sorting out must have been. Well done...can't have been easy.

Fingers crossed for the exam results! I'll have to go and check what day they come out so I can nip in here and see how you've done.

A very big hug to you.