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Original poster

Any suitable bereavement groups for me?

243 replies

missdisorganised1 · 06/01/2011 20:06

I am 18 but feel older. My Mum and Dad died 11 months ago so I went to live with my Nan and Granddad until I was 18. I am back in the family home now, still at school and managing (a bit hand-to-mouth) on the living allowance given out by the trustees of Mum and Dads estate.

Are there any suitable bereavement groups for my age?. There seems to be stuff for the under 18's and I once visited an adult group with Nam where I was the youngest by 20 years.

I would like to talk to people more my own age but I see school friends eyes start to glaze over if I answer "How are you?" truthfully.

OP posts:
bababelle · 01/12/2011 20:05

Hi Misdee
Have been following your story and you sound so brave, keep up the good work! You might not be keen on this idea but there are various organisations that run schemes to match students who are alone over Christmas with families who would love an extra visitor? I have just seen a request for host families to have students on Christmas Day in my local church magazine for example. You could try asking via the university chaplaincy or welfare rep people?

Original poster
missdisorganised1 · 02/12/2011 16:42

Sorted! I mentioned on Facebook that I would be on my own and I've had 2 offers for Christmas Day and 3 for Boxing Day. So I'm going for Christmas Day to one of my friends from school who lives 4 doors down the road from where I used to live and on Boxing Day to the home of a mature student who is on the same course as me. I don't know why I didn't think of Facebook in the first place.
The Aunt who helps me with my money has "had words" with Nan. First about changing the holiday plans without even thinking of me which led on to asking did they really need to charge me so much for living with them. A variation on the "you two are rich, XXXX is poor so why are you charging her at all?"
It turns out that Aunt has been paying them out of Mum and Dads estate AND I have been paying them as well. So I am going to be rent free for a couple of months to cancel out the overpayment.

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 02/12/2011 17:01

So glad your Christmas is sorted - hope you have a brilliant time.

Can't believe your grandparents.

GColdtimer · 02/12/2011 19:09

Glad your Christmas is sorted. That us good news. And well done your aunt for sticking up for you. At least you know she is on your side missd.

demolitionduo · 02/12/2011 20:09

I just knew you could do it! Really pleased you have faced this head on & got the result you so very much deserve.

x

saffronwblue · 02/12/2011 21:42

Miss D I am so pleased - have been thinking about you. I guess the most charitable explanation for your grandparents is that they are out of their depth, grieving as well and don't understand what a young adult's life looks like in this decade.
I never thought I'd say this but God Bless Facebook!

Original poster
missdisorganised1 · 03/12/2011 16:03

Thank you everybody. Sometimes I just need to talk things through with a grown-up who doesn't know me. I spoke to my aunt again who warned me that GParents are cross with her and with me. It seems that Granddad says that we both deserve a good thrashing, which I hope was a joke. Most of the time he a big softie so I expect it was!

OP posts:
demolitionduo · 03/12/2011 20:23

MissD.....that was a reaction of a man who had been rumbled & felt awkward! You have done nothing wrong, so hold your head up high when you return.

It seems that despite your thoughts about your Aunt, she is a good ally so don't be afraid to keep her on side.

x

barleywood · 06/12/2011 10:03

Well done for facing this. It takes a lot of courage but it just shows you what a wonderful, mature person you are. You shouldn't be making allowances for other people but sadly that is what some people need.

Well done again. You are a credit to your parents

Original poster
missdisorganised1 · 14/12/2011 16:16

Term ends on Friday. So I'm 1/9th of the way to my degree. Its going to be strange staying with Nan and Granddad. My aunt had to get quite bossy with them because they seem to want to charge me the full rent that other rooms in shared houses go for but they also want me to act like their Housekeeper as well while they sit around giving me orders. As my aunt said to them - either/or but not both.

Aunt also reminded them that a decent present "might be nice" - not a bar of chocolate from the corner shop purchased on Christmas Eve like last year.

OP posts:
GColdtimer · 14/12/2011 19:22

Enjoy the break missd. I hope Christmas goes well for you, it must be such a difficult time of year.

So glad your aunt sounds on your side. Smile

motn · 14/12/2011 22:27

Hi missd, sorry your plans for Christmas seem to have been a little stressful, but you're certainly developing a pro-active attitude to everything. You keep bouncing back, keeping your sense of humour and I'm so proud of you (if you don't mind, that is!).

I hope that you have a really good break, congratulations on getting 1/9th of the way through your degree!

Keep in touch, sending you a hug
Xmas Smile

saffronwblue · 16/12/2011 05:59

Hi Miss D
I hope all goes OK staying with your grandparents. I am glad your aunt has spoken up on your behalf. It will all get better, as you continue to find your way in the world and your amazing inner courage keeps showing through.
Keep us all posted - you have a virtual cheer squad at your disposal here!

Noodlemacdoodle · 16/12/2011 11:11

Hi MissD,

Hope you're Ok. It sounds tough.

Just wanted to point out that, there's no clock ticking here. There is absolutely no urgency atsoever to clear your home of your parents things, you can keep their room just the way it is for as long as you need to.

Hope Christmas is Ok and so glad you are not alone, you sound brilliant

Original poster
missdisorganised1 · 16/12/2011 18:58

I am trying hard to be brave and grown-up but I feel so sad tonight. I'm back at my Nan and Granddad's. I knew they usually go out for a meal on a Friday but I sort of expected that that would either not go as it was my first night with them or that they might invite me. But no, off they went. I know how Cinderella felt. They are a bit deaf so when they think they are whispering I can still hear them. They don't want me living with them even in the holidays - all the mess and noise - and its not nice feeling slightly unwanted all the time. So rather than mope around the house I am going to eat out as well. Nowhere posh like Nan and Granddad will have gone to but at least there will be no cooking or washing up to do.

I am missing my Mum and Dad so much today. Sometimes my life seems such total and utter s**t.

OP posts:
GRW · 16/12/2011 19:40

I'm so sorry your grandparents are insensitive to your needs; it must be really hard to feel they don't want you there. They probably don't want to be umwelcoming but are set in their ways. I hope that you have some friends around during the holiday that you can talk to, and share your pain with, or maybe your friends Mums might be able to offer you support x

saffronwblue · 16/12/2011 22:58

Sweetheart, I'm so sorry your grandparents are not giving you the loving support that you deserve. Sometimes life is just massively unfair. You are on a rollercoaster where you will keep getting waves of grief because you have had such a huge loss.You will get good times in between those waves. Hang in there and you do not have to be brave or grown up when you post here.

Original poster
missdisorganised1 · 18/12/2011 15:27

Friday worked out better than I had expected. At 7:15PM I posted something on Facebook and made a couple of phone calls and by 8:30PM I was in town having a meal with some school friends! I even got back before the curfew at 10:30 that Nan and Granddad have as a "house rule".

There is no point me moping around. I just need to get on with things and work around the silly house rules and the not feeling I am wanted there feeling.

OP posts:
demolitionduo · 19/12/2011 17:16

Well done you! FB does have its benefits & it proves you have friends who do understand your situation & don't want you left out.

I'd be inclined to tell your GP's that at your age, the curfew is inappropriate! You will be in when you get in but will do so quietly. Or get your Aunt to tell them!

Original poster
missdisorganised1 · 24/12/2011 10:07

Well Nan and Granddad are away on their holiday. I have managed to find somewhere to go or someone to see for everyday until they get back so I am feeling rather proud of myself. If they did buy me a present I don't know where they put it. Mine to them vanished from under the tree so I suppose they took it with them. My aunt came round for tea yesterday and from Easter onwards I will live at her house in the university holidays. My cousin has moved out to live with long-term boyfriend so there is a room for me.

I think we have both been rather shocked at how difficult Nan and Granddad have been. Me living with them was their idea remember but they seem to have done nothing but moan about it.

So Mum and Dad wherever you are here I am still battling along as best I can!

OP posts:
ravenousbugblatterbeast · 24/12/2011 12:21

Your mum and dad must be immensely proud of you, you've behaved impeccably towards your grandparents, when they have been terribly unthinking. Hope you have a lovely, peaceful Christmas...

saffronwblue · 24/12/2011 19:48

You should be very proud of yourself Miss D. Lots of people much older than you can't orgganise a social life when they need one. I am pleased your aunt will take you in for holidays in future.
Christmas must feel very bittersweet for you but I hope there is some joy in amongst it all. You have achieved such a lot. I am sure you are still making your parents proud even though they are not with you.

McKTastic · 24/12/2011 23:27

Thinking of you over the festivities. You are a very resilient young woman. As others have said I'm sure your parents are very proud of you and watching over you with love. Merry Christmas MissD X

GColdtimer · 25/12/2011 01:12

Happy Christmas missd. I am sure your parents are so proud of you. I am so sorry your grandparents have behaved so badly but really glad your aunt is there for you.

WelshCerys · 25/12/2011 01:21

MissD - echo what other MNetters are saying - you are one courageous and special young lady. A credit to your parents.

Sorry about your grandparents - just because people are in your family, doesn't mean that they behave impeccably (that's certainly my experience!).

Delighted to hear that you'll live with your Aunt in future holidays. Your grandparents are behaving badly but perhaps, soon, they will understand that and try to make amends.

Have the best day possible. Rest, relax, enjoy and be very good to yourself.

(One of my sons is also 1/9th of his way through Uni - it's a great achievement. Well done!)
xx

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