Flying high enjoying their wings, Remembering our precious much loved children...

[CazandBelle]

For my beautiful Anabelle Violet. Born an angel.

Mummy and Daddy miss and love you so much. Always. xxx

[[http://uk.news.yahoo.com/1/20110114/ten-allen-wants-1-million-charity-donati-c60bd6d.html Lily Allen has gone up umpteen fold in my estimations!!

i'll try that again!!

good for her.. I hope he does it... its about time stillbirths are talked about

I personaly think its the last great taboo in this country

I know I used to think it only happened in the dark ages

Argh did you notice in that article that it says she "miscarried a pregnancy in her sixth month". It is NOT a miscarriage. Quite frankly I am deeply uncomfortable about my 20 week, laboured, born baby being termed a miscarriage, but 6 months is 26 weeks + and babies of that age can be viable. I know one who is now 15 months old.

Incorrect terminology really winds me up. It makes me fear that people think even losses this late are just a period or a D&C. I tell anyone who will listen exactly what happened to me. The ignorance is shocking.

Rant over.

But well done lily, I am sure SANDS could do a lot of good with that money.

Hi Everyone, hope we're all ok.

LF - how are you? Not too bored and doing okay I hope!

Shabs - Aah, bless him! Do you know which exam board they follow for English? Let me know if you want any advice

Good on Lily Allen! I agree, its not a miscarriage is it? My miscarriage at ten weeks was horrible and painful but not the same as Malachy

WEll, looks like we are finally moving! We are currently looking for somewhere to rent as we need to live between our places of work. The plan had been for me to return to work after mat leave and then look for jobs in the west midlands and to relocate there. That is still the long term plan but I don't want to find a new job whilst ttc so renting will be better in the short term. Anyway, we've found a few properties to look around - perhaps a fresh start in a new house is what we need.

Minione - I will find out about the Exam board. He adores English....they are currently doing poetry. In Toms words 'we are picking poems apart, kind of dissecting them!!' LOL. He said 'I think it spoils some poems when you have to do that.' He once wrote a poem in year 4 that won a prize at school....it begun 'The only thing that is worrying me is why I have such a short Mummy and it went on to say 'She cant reach the cupboards, she jumps up and down on the floor, I sometimes wonder how she reaches the door!!!'

He is doing....Maths, English, Science, History, Graphics, Art, ICT, btec extended Music and they still have to sort out a couple more GCSE's. My DS1 took 12 GCSE's (and got 10 C's and 2 A's) it was so much pressure on him.

Think they are going to 'fast track' Tom through a couple of them in year 10.

Off out to my friends to get drunk have a few drinks....xxxx

shabs I think it is brilliant that Tom is thinking of a job in IT. I work in a leisure centre that is part of the County Council and they never have enough IT people. It is such a growing industry that he will always have a job, which I think is important. If I was his mother I would encourage this path as long as his interest continues. My nephew is in this industry and has never been unemployed since leaving university about 10 years ago and he has been made redundant. xx

Morning girls xx

Morning folks x

Hello ladies

I've been having a bad few days recently. I keep going over and over what happened and beat myself up about everything. I keep thinking if I'd done X or Y or not agreed to Z maybe things wouldn't have happened as they did. Except I know it almost certainly wouldn't have made any difference and we made the best decisions we could at the time. DH is getting really sick of it too and I don't really have anyone else to talk to about it.

Any advice on keeping going?

Oh love, it's so bloody hard, isn't it?

I've been where you are, and one of the best pieces of advices i was given is this

'It's not about finding the answers... it's about learning to live with the questions'

I was tormented by the 'Why?' questions - Why him? Why did he have this condition? etc, and i think that once i finally accepted that it really didn't matter why - knowing why wouldn't bring him back, iyswim, it helped me learn to live with the why questions.

And you're right, you know - you made the best decisions you could with the information you had at the time That's all you could do. Hindsight is a bloody wonderful, taunting, cruel thing.

(cwtches)

Totally normal part of this shitty journey of grief....all I can say is what I used to repeat to myself over and over...

One foot in front of the other and dont forget to breathe...

The guilt and 'what ifs' and 'if onlys' are very normal horrible emotions. They will pass but every now and then as time goes by they will jump up and bite your arse bum hard.

Keep posting - nobody will judge you here, nobody will say 'pull yourself together' - we all have a massive idea how you are feeling xxxx

Thank you ladies.

I was their mummy but I couldn't look after them. So it feels like it must be my fault? I know it isn't but that doesn't stop the feeling. DH is getting sick of me being upset and said "I thought you'd been getting better". He does try but doesn't really get it. It was him that wanted children and the day I got out of hospital started saying he wanted us to try again.

For various reasons I won't bore you with I don't really have anyone available at the moment to act as cheerleader if you get me? Someone who knows me to tell me I'm a good person and that the future has promise. I want to crawl into a hole. But I can't for the sake of my husband.

Your second paragraph describes exactly word for word how I felt when I lost my sons....still feel like that sometimes now xxx

Hi Ladies

Axis I know how you feel, you know you couldn't have done anything but you still blame yourself Sending you a big hug x

Shab PMSL at Tom's poem! I often have to ask Dh to reach the tops of cupboards for me too ! He sounds a bright lad and I'm sure he will do in his exams.

Had a heart to heart with DSS last night, told me how sad he was about Malachy and that he had no one to talk to about him. He said that the day he was told Malachy had died, he had just been telling his girlfriend how excited he was about having a little brother or sister. He's such a good lad, well he's 18 so I guess man ! God, makes me feel feckin' ancient

Hello all x

Axis how you doing now ? I spent the first few years after Harry died going over and over the day constantly . I do think that part of it is your brain just can't comprehend that this has actually happened and it can take a long time for it to properly sink in . ( I am sure I can find some pom poms here somewhere but you may have to ply me with wine to get the cheer leader outfit on_)

mini your dss sounds lovely

LF I hope all is still going well x

Evening

Axis - much like TW said, I think the brain has to go over and over what happened to be able to comprehend and compute everything you have gone through. It is bloody horrible though and seemingly neverending.

Come here and talk about it whenever you want to.

Your dss does indeed sound lovely mini, very mature for 18.

Hello all,

I having a bad day. Bad few days infact, I just feel low. My throat is hurting where I'm constantly on the verge of tears. My neck and shoulder are aching where I think I'm holding tension.

how much time passes before it begins to heal? We're approaching 7 months and I don't feel healing is anywhere near. Infact, I just seem to be feeling worse and worse. Coping on the outside and looking fine for the world, but inside the pain just hurts all the more.

How do I 'get better'?

mini you DSS sounds mature and sensitive.

Caz I am so sorry to hear you are feeling so shite , I am doubly sorry that I can't give you any answers , the first year is so hard , so many what should have beens .

I know it doesn't feel like it but you are "getting better" even if it is just on the outside . Please don't hold it in , you need to cry and rant if that is how you are feeling . It is so awful if you try and hold it in .

I remember the physical pain of it all and it is truly awful .
I promise you that you will improve and things will look brighter for you but in the mean time we are all here xx

Oh Caz - wish I had some 'magic medicine.'

I think you 'get better' by talking about your precious child over and over and over again - to anyone who will listen and not judge. The more I told my story the easier it became (that sounds barking mad). Also, and you will hate me for saying this but, Time heals. We will never be the same people again but as time ticks by the memories soften and you can go a few hours without wanting to cry.

I guess what I am saying is - I DONT HAVE AN ANSWER.xxx

I know there are no answers, and I know time will heal. but how much time? just a bad day.

Thanks for always being here ladies xx

Caz - I don't know if this will help, but I don't think you 'get better'. I know I haven't. I've just got used to the pain of not having my boy. Just like we get used to all kinds of things, good and bad. The only way I cope is by making as much space for DS3 as I do for my other boys: I refuse to consign him to the past. He is with us, always, as I believe Belle is with you.

Much love x

Oh Caz, I know that feeling. And I know that most people think I'm okay and I'm back to normal ( whatever that is) but I'm not. I'll never be the same again, I'm not as confident and I'm often anxious and nervous which I had never been before. I think we sometimes put on too much of a brave face but with jobs like ours we have to - I could hardly crumple in front of a group of rowdy 15 year olds could I?

Be kind on yourself, Caz. I was in tears with DSS last night and we were sat in the pub. I felt like I'd let him down, he was sitting his As levels round the time Malachy died and it certainly had an effect on his grades. He is a sensitive soul and very good natured. We're lucky, he's never been any trouble and would be a fab big brother

caz I do know how you are feeling. I have got to the point now when I feel that the whole world is crazy. I still think about Richard every minute of every day. To the world I probably seem OK but I am not. Sometimes I look at his photo and say to him 'how can you be dead it can't be true'. I honestly feel that I still have not got over the shock. I think I have got used to feeling so shit that this is 'normal' and how it will be forever. Maybe I have got PTSD I don't know.

I have sonehow become able to appear normal to the outside world but inside I am still in bits. xx

Morning girls xx

How are you doing today Caz xx