In memory of my beloved Fraser and all our children.Little buds sown on earth to bloom in heaven

[frasersmummy]

A new haven for us all to say exactly what is in our heart or on our minds knowing that everyone understands and wont judge

Hello ladies.
My heart goes out to all of you who have lost your dear babies and little ones. It must be heartbreaking to have people commenting on what you should do about their things and bedrooms. I do not have that as Richard was a grown man.

What you do is up to you and it is no-one else's business. It is your home and other people should respect that. I don't think I would have been able to sort out anything or touch the rooms unless I really had to for practical reasons, for a very very long time.

sassy and shabs If I wake upset in the night it is always at 4.00am is that where the saying 'the darkest hour is just before dawn' comes from, because that is what it feels like

ppm Hope your trip goes well and you have a relaxing break with your son. xx

Have put a new pic on my profile of my DS4 and my GS xx

As with ILike, had dd lived we fully intended that dd2 would use her toys and wear her clothes, so we've pretty much gone with that. Some things I suspect will be put aside and not used - certain bits of clothing that were worn overtime for example. Funnily enough wellies are one of the things we can't manage to reuse for dd2.

Many things lose some of their potency once dd2 has used them, which is usually a good thing for us. We're not hoarders at all in the normal way of things.

Every now and again we look at a box of miscellaneous tat that dd accumulated and think, crumbs, we're probably stuck with that forever now, and laugh ourselves silly over it.

4am is when dd's heart stopped.

Still in a low place today. Feeling almost numb - I've found myself staring into space a lot today.

I have written a poem for Anabelle though, ready for Saturday. Seems I'm getting into this poetry writing - it seems to help of sorts getting it all out through words anyway.

Times of the day are so significant aren't they. Most nights I seem to look at the clock dead on 00:08 - thats the time Belle was born. Its like the clock haunts me at this time most days.

We'd too already bought things for Belle with the intention of them being used for our next baby as well. Spent a lot on the cot bed, pram, etc to buy quality that would last through all children.

We don't see any reason why we won't still do that - even though Belle never used her things. There are some of her clothes that will be kept in her memory box as esecially Belle's - her first dress, the outfit I'd chosen to bring her home in, her matching cardigan to the one she is wearing - I wouldn't want anyone else wearing those - they are Belle's and Belle's alone, but the rest of her clothes, if we're lucky enough to have another baby and that baby is a girl - I hope we're strong enough to let her wear them.

Belles Poem:

Our baby girl is an angel,
How can that be?
Anabelle we had such dreams ,
For you and me.

Our baby girl is an angel,
Born on the 21st of June,
Arrived perfect and sleeping,
Anabelle was here and gone too soon.

Our baby girl is an angel,
Our first little baby born,
Beautiful angel baby,
Anabelle our hearts are broken and torn.

Our baby girl is an angel,
We miss her more every day,
We love you always Anabelle,
And wish there could?ve been another way.

Our baby girl is an angel,
Anabelle went to live in heaven,
We ache to kiss, to hold, to see her,
And things will never be normal again.

Our baby girl is an angel,
The prettiest angel you?ll ever see,
Anabelle is a Monday?s Child,
Fair of face and beautiful as can be!

Our baby girl is an angel,
We?re Mummy and Daddy to her,
Anabelle our precious baby,
Always and forever.

Our baby girl is an angel,
It seems to make her invisible to you.
But believe me, please,
Anabelle deserves your recognition too.

Our baby girl is an angel,
She is real and special and ours,
Please don?t feel awkward about Anabelle,
We need to talk about her for hours and hours.

Our baby girl is an angel,
How can it be true?
This nightmare is never ending.
Anabelle we?ll never stop missing you.

Our baby girl is an angel,
Our heartbreak will go on and on,
With each would?ve been milestone,
Anabelle this is all just so wrong.

Our baby girl is an angel,
This is the day she was due,
7th of August it was supposed to be,
Anabelle how does life go without you?

Our baby girl is an angel,
Anabelle grew her little wings,
She flew up to heaven,
And now Belle plays with beautiful angel things.

That is beautiful Caz. You really do have a talent. Saturday is going to be a very hard day for you and I hope the pressure cooker feeling you feel at the moment eases for you, even if it's for a short while.

{{{hugs}}} to you Zeno and all the others who are haunted by the clock. There's defo soemthing in it. Last year and this year I woke up on C's birthday and looked at the clock and it was the time he was born.

Enjoy seeing your cousin PPM. It's Norway you're going to isn't it?

Oh, and I meant to say that I like Tom's Gallagher-esque hair style Shabs

trust my son to want to be 'different.' He has been growing his hair for the past year....he loves it long - says all the girls want to mess with it LOL!!

Thanks ladies just finished packing and off for an early night. It's finland we're off to ILike - Really feel for my DH tonight as emotionally he's trying to be strong but he's terrified something bad will happen to us while we're away.

Caz - you really do have a talent. I hope you get through the weekend as well as you can - hugs and strength for you xx

Catch you all next week x

Morning ladies.

shabs your photos are lovely, what a handsome bunch you have!!

Morning all xx

Caz that poem is beautiful .

caz what a beautiful poem, carry on writing you have a talent. Sending love to you and your husband. xx

Morning girls xx

Caz your poem is so lovely.

Thanks Lavendes for your kind words - they are good kids xx

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oh sassy what a start to your day! Try not to dwell on it, I know its hard. Your mother should be the one you can talk to, and sometimes shout and ball at. Does she realise how insensitive she is being or does she think she can say what she likes. I know through experience that old people sometimes lose the ability to SHUT TFU. XX

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Oh Sassy I have no words whatsoever to help. xxxx

Thank you ladies... x x x

Sassy - I'm so sorry you cannot rely on your mother. I really feel for you - sending lots of love and hugs. Out of all the people in our lives, going through something so awful, it is our parents we need more than anything isn't it.

My parents have been wonderful - Dad has his week off this week, but instead of going away they decided to stay home just incase we needed them as they knew this was going to be a difficult week for us.

On the other hand though....

I don't know if you'll remember the upset we had with DH's dad but its still going on, we still haven't seen or heard from him. I personally still don't particulaly want to, I cannot forgive him for being so selfish and insensitive. DH knowing his Dad much better than me, has decided he is pissed off with us - especially since our anniversary card arrived in the post - and the card was obviously everything to do with his step-mum and nothing to do with his dad. They have never sent anything through the post before, so DH thinks his Dad is being stubborn and angry.

Well that just makes me even more unforgiving, how dare he be angry with us, we haven't done anything wrong. His selfishness as far as I'm concerned just continues - I'm angry now, because not once since the funeral has he phoned DH to see how we are doing, not once bothered to check -regardless of how he is feeling he should be there for his SON. The SON who has just suffered the worse loss a father can and he doesn't know how his son is coping with his granddaughters death, he doesn't know DH has been off work on the sick, that he hasn't been sleeping because he doesn't care enough about us to be there and put his own childishness aside. Self-centered prick.

DH has gone into work today - I really hope it is more successful for him this time. He seemed in a better place about it this time, but we'll see what the day brings. They are supposed to be organising a phased return to work now. Also there is a promotional job opportunity to apply for, he's been asked to apply and the closing date is next Friday. Interviewing would be early September. Please keep your fingers crossed for him ladies, I know he likes where he works now, he's part of a really good team and they've been excellent with our current situation. He deserves this promotion so I really hope he gets it. He's worked really hard doing microsoft exams (He works in IT) in the last 18 months, so getting a job now where they are being used would be excellent for his professional development and CV. Plus the payrise! lol So anyway, this gives him a good month to get back into the routine of working and settle down - I hope the drive for the promotion will help him massively with returning to work this time.

I wish you all a peaceful day. I'm about to busy myself doing housework.

Hugs to Sassy again.

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A successful day for DH I'm pleased for him. He did half a day today with no hiccups and is doing the same tomorrow so keeping fingers crossed that it all remains smooth. He wants to go full time from Monday but his boss has said that if he finds at any point that he's having a day where he is struggling then he just has to say the word and he can go home and have short days as and when required and that will be no problem. I'm glad they are being so supportive. He's come home seeming really strong today - which is so much better than a few weeks ago. I felt fine on my own for a few hours today too.... kept busy with my housework.

DH has been thinking a lot about his tattoo and has decided he wants the sleeping angel we had on the front of her order of service and Anabelle's name on his arm. We're also having the sleeping angel on her headstone hopefully. (Will upload photo of it to my profile now) We've been to see a reputable artist this afternoon, that was suggested to him by someone who knows what they're on about and he's booked in for 11th November. I found it encouraging that there was such a long waiting list - shows the artist is worth her salt I think. Pictures of her other work are great, really talented.

The artist was really sensitive and gentle with us and promised she would do something really special for Belle. She is going to work on the angel we've given her to spice it up a bit, but inkeeping with the base design.

I hope your day has gotten a bit better Sassy after your upset this morning - have been thinking of you... x x

Glad to hear your dh day was a better one Caz. Small steps.

{{{Sassy}}} - I think we expect our parents to be all knowing and able to say the right thing. But in reality they're not perfect, and some less so than others. You know your mum is not going to change, so try and accept that she is going to say stupid and insensitive things, and that the world revolves around her (or is that too harsh).

You may not like her behaviour, but acceptance can help you understand and tolerate a situation/people's behaviour and it stops you from wasting emotional and mental energy on them. Of course I say this, but I still fall foul and find myself dissapointed by people, even when I know I should expect their behaviour. It's tough.

I haven't seen anything about the mother who murdered her children, I'll go and have a look on the news. How about you go with yout dh and lay some flowers.

Situations like this are awful anyway, but seem even harder to stomach when you have lost a child. You've lost your child through no fault of your own, yet here's someone who has murdered their children. How could they? Like I said, I know nothing of the story but I can only imagine the lady had mental health issues?

Not long after we lost C the whole Baby P thing came out and dh and I couldn't bare to listen to any of the details. How could they? HOW COULD THEY? Don't they know what we would do to just see our son one more time?

My ex (thank god) SIL phoned earlier. 'we will be thinking of you on Sunday' that's nice, I thought then 'glad to hear you have gone back to work, getting better, moving on and getting back to normal' confirmed she's just as stupid as when she was married to my brother. I didn't even bother to get cross just told her that she could not put herself in my place and said'got to go now, going shopping' What's the point its not worth the effort.

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sassy We haven't decided what to do yet. If it is a nice day we may go for a walk over the cliffs at Fistral in Newquay, it is beautiful and Richard loved the sea. I think that would be better than going to the crematorium where we rested his ashes and have had a plaque to mark the spot. I think we will leave that for another time. I feel I will be closer to him by the sea than there.

I was chatting to our elder son, he's in Sydney, and he does not believe in God but he said he thinks that good people are loved and remembered forever and that is heaven and bad people are eventually forgotten and that must be hell. It must be so difficult for him to be so far away, and we miss him so much, but he must have his life. He is hoping to come home for Christmas, we all need to be together for a while. I just want to hug him and mother him a bit. xx

Have been awake since 3.00am.... probably my own fault for being asleep before 10 for the first time since Belle was born. Have given up trying to sleep and have decided to get up, check the internet and next to do the ironing, I guess I'll just be napping at some point today. I was ssleep to early, and now I've woken up too early I can't switch my brain off. My head is swimming tonight, about tomorrow, about the last year in general.

Been particularly thinking about friends - remembering things that previously hurt me, whats hurting me now. Don't people surprise you - the people you thought would always be there for you actually turn out to be quite useless and selfish and you find support in the most unlikely of places.

I've found the person I've been able to talk to most openly about Belle with is a friend I've not seen since uni, we've always spoken regularly on FB since and have been pregnant this year at the same time. I was a little further on than her but we were sharing everything. This has not stopped since losing Belle - I feel able to still share her pregnancy because she allows me to be totally honest with her, and encourages me to talk about Belle - she wants to hear about her and how I'm feeling from day to day.

She has been so understanding and has said that if at any point I can't talk to her because of her pregnancy or baby she will not be offended. So I was honest back and said that I won't deny it won't hurt me when her baby arrives but I will be happy for her just really sad for me. She said that she is now and will be really sad for me too when her baby arrives. I think I'd like to see her in person soon, maybe I'll see if she fancies a day visitor soon - she's about 2 and half hours away I think. I haven't seen her since uni I suppose because we weren't in the same circle of friends for the main, just the occasional lecture together but doesn't a time of despair really show who is really willing to be your shoulder....

Those who I would've considered my closest friends from uni, although offering their support, have hurt me. I've had lovely comments from lots of people about Belle since I put an album of her on FB, many who I haven't seen for years and from lots of other angel Mummies - but those who I would consider my closest friends have not commented on her once. It really hurts, I'm sure if she'd been alive they would've commented on how beautiful she was, and she still deserves their recognition now. It makes me quite angry and I suppose that is what my reference is to in my poem. I'm going to post that on FB this weekend too for her due date. I hope it strikes a cord with people. I just want people to recognise my Belle is a beautiful baby too.

There is a particular couple of friends I've had to have space away from, I'm finding the wedding excitement just too much, I can't to happy and excited and I just don't want to hear about it - the hurt from the past is just greater again now. (Not the friends who've recently got engaged - different friends but the same circle.) Before I was pregnant I was going to be her bridesmaid, as she had been mine. When we announced our pregnancy she was really put out, you could see it written all over her. Congratulated us of course, but then the comments started; well it (yes it) wont be coming to the wedding, well it wont be able to come with you every time you stay at our house. They made it perfectly clear our baby was a huge inconvienance to them - first in my close uni circle of friends to get married and have a baby.

She complained in May she was having to hold off buying bmaid dresses because of me and the baby, and that I would have to be available first weekend in September for a fitting. Bearing in mind she aint getting married until April next year and if all had gone well Belle would have only been weeks old first weekend in September... I couldn't believe her tone or selfishness, had quite a big falling out then so I dropped out of being a bridesmaid. Belle was coming first as far as I was concerned.

Well anyway, not once was I asked how my pregnancy was going from when I announced, just this attitude from her, and not much interest shown in the baby. But since Belle has died she's texting all the time, saying that she's always there blah blah blah. I just can't help feeling what a two faced cow she is. There was no interest in Belle when she was alive so why is she showing any interest now??? I want to tell her to piss off. But I just polietly avoid her instead.

Really should book my 6 week post-birth check up for today too... I've sort of been putting it off all week. But I really should see the Dr shouldn't I, just to be told I'm ok I guess.

lavandes I really hope your elder son makes it hope for Christmas. I can imagine you desperately want him near you...

Sassy I know what you mean, I had briefly heard about the story, but I find it hard to feel compassion, the same with the french story last week with all those murdered newborns. How can they, how dare they? We lost everything, lost the children and babies we love so much and there are others who just take their children's lives from them. How dare they be so selfish, mental problems or not I find it very hard at the moment to feel any compassion for any of them. The french story last week particulaly upset me, and I imagine it is very hard for you to have this happening right on your doorstep.

Well ladies, just as well I have a fairly full sky box to see me through the next couple of hours... ironing it is...