In memory of my beloved Fraser and all our children.Little buds sown on earth to bloom in heaven

[frasersmummy]

A new haven for us all to say exactly what is in our heart or on our minds knowing that everyone understands and wont judge

caz I find being awake in the middle of the night is horrible. Like you have said you are thinking of everything that has happened and going over and over things that have been said, things that have happened and things that may happen. I think the mind goes into overdrive. I think it makes me paranoid. There are times when I think everyone is against me and I am so alone, I know that is not really true.

As the weeks pass you know who your real friends are and who you can rely on and be honest about your feelings with because they do not disappear, they are still there for you.

I have had support from some of the people I work with who I would never have expected to understand and some who I would have expected to understand still think I am OK, because I appear to be coping.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow xxx

morning girls,big hugs, god you cant beat familys can you.
i told some of our family at last,my youngest dd is pregnant,its a pity they said,scream rant now i know why i was so nervous about telling them, shes 1 today and brillant,when jayden died she held me up ,its four years in december ,and everyone on dh side seems to have forgotten him, his ds rang me yesterday,she had done a vidde as she called it for him,bless her.
so december 30th my 6th grandchild will be here,and if one more person says i hope its a grandson to replace jayden,ill more than bloody scream, he will never be replaced,they are all special,rant over

Morning girls xx

Caz - Will be holding you close to my heart tomorrow - remember that you precious little girl will always be with you and you will always be her Mummy. Will be lighting our candle with love for her.

Hazy - I saw the video on FB - it was so beautiful. People always felt sorry for me each time I had a little boy - on the whole, most people are clueless arent they?

hazy congratulations from another proud granny. I hope your daughter has a beautiful healthy baby who will live long and prosper. xx

caz I think people who are planning a wedding nowadays get totally obsessed with it. For crying out loud how long can it take to arrange It has become ridiculous. One of the girls I work with is getting married in July 2011 (yes 2011) and I think the only thing we do not know about it is what colour knickers she will be wearing. I often wonder what they will have to think about after the event. After all a marriage is not about the wedding it is about love and commitment. I wonder if the high divorce rate could be due to boredom after all the complicated arrangements. - From a rather mad oldie. xx

Hazy Never ceases to amaze me how people feel the need to comment and the silly things they say!

Lavandes That's sounds a lovely plan for Richard's birthday - have you thought of going to Australia yourself for Xmas - maybe a change in routine and some sunhsine would do you good?

Caz I think you've hit the nail on the head - some people cope well and are supportive, and others don't. It bears little relation to how close they are afaik. I phoned the person I thought was my oldest, closest friend the night C died, and she said - I'm just going on holiday, I come and see you when I get back. So she missed the funeral - and I'm stil waiting for her to come see me!

Forgot - I wanted to post this link - it's to a poem by James Lowell, written in the middle of the last centry after his daughter died. It's called After the Burial, and I think it's beautiful

www.bartleby.com/248/356.html

My favourite line is this:

Forgive me,

But I, who am earthly and weak,

Would give all my incomes from dream-land

For a touch of her hand on my cheek.

sassy We wouldn't go for Xmas as it is summer there and would be too hot for me, I do not cope well with very hot weather it makes me feel ill, I would just be a pain in the arse to everyone! We have been 3 times always in October and it is perfect at that time. We will probably go next October for my 60th birthday. Our son wants to come back to see Richard's sons as well as his friends.

Of course - can totally understand why he would want to come home. And it will something for you to really look forward to as well. xx

DH is really struggling this morning with the murdered chidren - I don't think it helps that he passes it on the way to work. MIL was very upset about it last night too.

It's just so hard to work out how I would have died for my daughter, yet another mother would murder hers'.

Think I am going to sum up courage and take some flowers down later on my own - DH would just find it too upsetting.

sassy it makes me wonder what sort of world we live in when something like that happens. I think it is horrific what she has done but she must have been in such a state and nobody seemed to have noticed. Did she have no family or friends? Did her husband not notice her state of mind? There are so many if onlys aren't they.

Think very carefully before you go near the place, remember you are very fragile at the moment. I know you feel the need to lay flowers but you need to look after youselves at the moment. xx

Ok, so I'm knackered now after already being awake for 6 hours today. Ugh. My eyes are burning. Did half a basket of ironing and then ran out of steam, (no pun intended!!), so watched the telly for a bit and have since got showered and dressed. Was no point going back to bed by the time I wanted to go because booked into doctors at 9.50. I'm nervous about this appointment, not quite sure why. I suppose its waiting for the probing questions about my current state of mind while they assess if the grief is turning me into a loon I suppose. I need to go though, I know this.

If you are a loon - can I join your gang

I would imagine that your GP would be more worried about you if you weren't knee deep in this bloody horrible world.

In my opinion you are doing a good job of 'getting through each day.' You are getting dressed and doing housework and doing the best you can do with what you have. Im proud of you....proud of all you newly bereaved Mums - its a very hard road and you are doing well xxxxx

Morning all,
Just wanted to say I'll be thinking of you tomorrow Caz although i wont be online. I wish you and your husband strength to get through the day.

I read that news story too and couldnt comprehend it.

This peom was read by one of my oldest friends at my wedding. He said it reminded him of me because of everything i have gone through. It's not your typical wedding reading by anymeans so fits me well lol. I read it often i find it quite empowering.

Invictus by William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

I'll be thinking of you all over the coming week.

Oh Shelley - that is fantastic!

I AM THE CAPTAIN OF MY SOUL

Thanks I love it it, thinking of having a few lines of it as a tattoo lol. I must be getting close to my mum disowning me due to them lol. I had one of the verses as my FB status the other day

Yes I recognised it as soon as I started to read the poem....really like that!

I thought of adding it here before but wasnt sure. Then read it again and thought it seams apporpriate so did it. My friend wrote it out, printed it and framed it as an extra present for us. Im very sentimental so thought it was lovely

Lavandes They were in the middle of custody dispute - the father fighting through the courts. Shortly before their death, his sols had convinced a judge they were in danger and the police were looking for them. I can't imagine the father' pain.

Thanks for being concerned for me. will be fine - am going to take some flowers down now...

Love the poem Shelley x

Hi everyone, we've been over in Ireland the past few days seeing DH's family. Was lovely seeing them but quite hard, his mum told me how she speaks to malachy everyday which obviously had me in tears.
Caz, I'll be thinking of you tomorrow xxx
Am going to catch up on the rest of the thread so will speak later x

Still awake (just!)... I'm going to have to give in and sleep soon though I think...

Really not feeling myself today - I know its the lack of good sleep last night, and because its the build up to tomorrow, but my chest is really fluttery and I feel a sort of panic rising. Really restless and don't know what to do with myself. But at least I know why I'm feeling this way today. Maybe more sleep will help...

Doctors went ok, not a loon - he wasn't at all surprised that my eating habits are all over the place, or (sorry if TMI!) that my bowel movements have been all over the place (obviously not literally - haha!). Has precribed me some sachets of something to help settle everything down and make it all a bit more regular, and said to try and eat at regular intervals too - I know that I should be eating small and often but the way I see it, I am eating a proper meal every day at least and that is good. We'll get to getting appetite back for 3 good meals a day as time goes on I guess.

Beautiful poem shelley - I'm finding poetry quite theraputic at the moment.

sassy - hope laying the flowers was peaceful for you.

Hi Mini - x-posted. Nice to see you, I was beginning to wonder where you were and if you were ok... Hope you had a good break in Ireland with your family. Isn't your due date coming up shortly too? x x x

Yes 17th. I think I'm doing well but then I don't know how I'm supposed to be doing. I still feel like it's all some horrible dream. I'm dreading going back to work but at least I'm going back to the same job, Dh is starting a new job in September, it's 35 miles away a d quite a big promotion. I'm worried about him to be honest, when his mum was talking about malachy he just sat there. He had tears in his eyes but he doesn't want to talk about him. I was crying and his mum was too but I wanted to talk to her about him but he just clams up. Your poems are lovely, really beautiful. I also know what you mean about unexpected people being the most supportive. One of our neighbours bought me a beautiful pandora bracelet with a m charm for Malachy. She said she wanted to give me something and something I could think of malachy by. We are friends but I haven't known her that long. She doesn't have children but yet again she has been more compassionate than some friends who do.

Anyway I should really do some housework or go to the supermarket but I can't be arsed

Managed to go to ASDA and buy some flowers. Meant to get some other bit of shopping too, but oculdn't manage that - I still find shopping quite hard - especially ASDA, as Catherine and I used to "do" ASDA with a vengeance, cos all those toys and CDs and kid's clothers and dresssing up clothes.... now I just rush round the food - but I hate it...

So I took the flowers down - and the police were really nice and let me across the cordon to lay them... sort of surprised by how few there were.. then I went to the cemetry to see Catheirne...

On the way back got chtting to a woman on the bus, who said that she thought people were avoiding laying flowers because it was horrible She asked me if I had any children myself - so I told her... She kept saying "I just don't know what to say".

Minione my DH can't talk much about C either - his Mum phones me - says she gets more of a chat.... Can you DH talk to you?

My husband doesn't talk about Richard unless I start the conversation. I think it is a 'man' thing and he doesn't want to get emotional or start me off, but I need to talk. It is his way of coping, I know he cares. He is a very practical person, he's always been the same.

Hi Sassy and Lavandes. I think he is worried about setting me off, he did talk to begin with but he just seems to be bottling things up. I think it's a combination of things really, he saw Malachy but he regrets not holding him or taking a photo, he was very laud back throughout the pregnancy and said things to me that ge regrets ( nothing serious, but stuff like 'if you think it's hard now wait till the baby's born' ) and I also think he's worried that there is a genetic problem and we won't be able to have another baby ( again for several years before we got married he was adamant that he didn't want any more children, he obviously came round to the idea but I have thrown this back at him which I'm not very proud of )

He has been there for me though and I think he feels like he has to be strong for me, part of me feels like nobody has been there for him. At the funeral he had to keep me together, had to literally physically support me. I just wish he'd open up a bit as I worry about him so much x