In memory of my beloved Fraser and all our children.Little buds sown on earth to bloom in heaven

[frasersmummy]

A new haven for us all to say exactly what is in our heart or on our minds knowing that everyone understands and wont judge

I wish there was more people like her around Ilike .

TW - I'm ok... well actually I've been quite weepy since posting that. Its the first time I've typed my story out again since I found this thread and SANDS. I can't believe all that happened to me only 12 weeks ago - some days it feels like a lifetime ago. Time moves differently now. I said to DH earlier that the last time we hit a 12 week milestone the weeks had flown by and we were looking at our tiny tiny Belle at her first scan.

I mean 12 weeks - life should've been so different for us now, we should've been Mummy and Daddy. Yet here we are doing the normal things like the food shopping tonight. Yet there is nothing normal about the bigger picture of our life. But what else can I do but carry on with the mundane day-to-day stuff of housework etc. Sometimes, when I really sit and think, I don't know what to feel, apart from so very emtpy.

I really hope for Fudge that some miracle happens.

Me too Dee x
I always struggle when I see my story written down in black and white , partly because it just seems so unreal sometimes .
I can't possibly have lived through all that surely ?

Time does have a different feeling now doesn't it ? Some things seem like only yesterday and other times it feels like a lifetime of shite .

Evening ladies, Been reading but not been up to posting lately. Loadsa real life stuff going on ... me getting made redundant and my ds1 getting called names and taunted at school including "you don't have a brother any more"

Caz - grief is such a weird emotion... I mean it never ceases to amaze me that with everything each and every one of us have been through individually and collectively we'd be able to offer each other any form of support or solace.... but we do and continue to do so because we all seem to find the strength from somewhere x

I totally get the facebook stuff as I felt like i'd been physically stabbed time and time again by parents of gregor's friends the week all their kids started school nursery in august crap crap crap crap... I've not deactivated my account yet but will do so soon - I am learning to block out stuff from my life that i don't need or brings me any additional stress or hassle.

RANT ALERT.... Fecking travel insurance companies who don't have a fecking clue about pre-existing medical conditions who managed to make my blood boil this afternoon .... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....
and BREATHE ... that's better!

Hello ppm . I'm sorry you're having a rough time at the moment. Gutted to hear about ds1 having to deal with that treatment.

I think the blocking out is really important to survival. Not that total avoidance is any good, but where it's not necessary to put yourself in the way of things why not take a different route and spare oneself the anguish? We don't drive past the school at pickup time, for instance.

I'm aware that I haven't ever written here in any detail about what happened to dd1. I cannot bring myself to nudge it to the forefront of my mind - scared, I think, that I won't be able to get it to go back again. Scared to unleash the horror. At any rate, I'm sorry not to share, and thank-you for not expecting me to.

I tried to watch a bit of video of dd2 as a newborn the other day and had to turn it straight off again. My head just swam with nausea and grief. I don't know how we survived bringing her into the world and keeping her safe through those awful months. I don't want to remember any of it.

Zeno I feel like I do know what happened to your DD in detail - but I think I am probably just hooking the small details you have given onto knowing too bloody well what happens when you have an over-whelming, unpredictable virus and then - well you know what happens...

The only thing I have ever wondered about your DD is what her name is - and obivously!!, you don't have to answer that!

It makes me sick to think about it too..

I keep struggling with what to block out and what to confront. Went to see Catherine's friend the other night... it is heart breaking - she has started P1 and is learnign to read. My daughter will never learn to read.

Saw your post earlier about hating the moaning about starting schools ... had to lol! Any time you feel like getting rid of some pent up aggression, we can storm the coping strategties for tears at p1 thread together ...

Ok, ok.. am joking... only just xx

PPM so about the treatment of your DS1 - bunch of wankers - Im sorry but that word is even too good for them.

When my Danny started High School - a wanker in his class told him on a daily basis....'I think your Mum killed both of your brothers.' Glad to say the tosspot was later expelled and not because of what he said to my lad. Weirdly enough my darling lad is now the wankers boss!!! Think its called Karma!

PPM I miss you on fb though

Hiya Zeno - Thanks, it was only one child and i went straight up to the school the day after ds1 told me what had been said - teacher was very supportive, hadn't heard what had been said but did promise to have a word with the boy in question.

Generally I'm actually doing surprisingly ok at the moment - have finally made inroads into getting some of the weight back off that i've put on since gregor's death, am 3 stone down and still a long way to go so there is a load of positive stuff going on with me too. I have re-learned to enjoy time with DS1 this summer.

There are no expectations here for you to talk/not talk about dd1. you mentioning video has reminded me we still have video footage on our camera that needs downloading - a friend has offered to do this for us as neither i nor dh could face it at the moment. xx

Thanks Shabs and Sassy,

Shabs am very very at that lad saying that to Danny ... but yes I also believe in Karma.

Sassy - I know what you mean about FB but I just can't do it just now - got too much dignity to get drawn into communicating with fuckwit twunts who just don't get it and never will.

Life is not too bad though for me I reckon... being able to say that has gotta be progress yeah?!

Awwww I kind of over used the wan**r word a bit there - Malaker would have been a better choice....unless we have a Greek speaking MNetter on here!!

PPM I know, I know.. my fb status at the moment is:
Why don't they just shut up and listen instead?

Something positive to share... had a lovely lunch with a (non-bereaved) friend last week, and afterwards went to the church together. Sat in the Mary Chapel and was explaining how the Holy Mother comforted me - and that I had realised she was the world's most famous bereaved mum - and lit some candles for C - sometimes light them for all our children - hope you lot don't mind... I know not everyone shares my religious views

Anyway, at w/e friend said how much it had impacted her... and she wanted to do a concert of Music for Mary in Catherine's honour next Spring. I'm really touched...

LOL Im talking to 3 of my friends in Faliraki on FB chat....one is in his bar, one is on his balcony and one is supposed to be working in a bar....all three places are only a few minutes walk from each other!! 2 of the men are Greek and 1 is a Scouser.....Happy days!!

Morning girls xx

Morning folks x

Morning all

Caz I have just noticed I called you Dee last night No idea where that came from . How you doing this morning ?

sassy I was brought up as a Catholic but I stopped going to church when I was a teenager. My mother was also a lapsed Catholic she had married my dad who was not Catholic and stopped going to church but she sent us children. When she was dying she was chanting the rosary prayers for hours on end, but would not let us send for a priest. When Richard died I found myself praying and I think that the Holy Mother got me from my house to the funeral in one piece. I found myself saying Hail Mary's all the way there and when we arrived I went to Richard's coffin put my hand on it and said one for him (silently). I only go into churches to light candles for Richard and my mother. I do not feel the need to go to the services but I do pray and I do believe that I will see him again.

I think your friend doing a concert for Catherine is a lovely kind gesture. xx

ppm I am so sorry your little boy is having such a hard time at school, it is so cruel I hope the teachers try to make the other children understand. xxx

Morning all xx

Thank you Lavandes.

We had some good news yesterday. Our son has booked his flights and is coming home for Christmas, we have something to look forward to at last.

Oh Lavendes - my heart skipped a beat when I read that. What a very special time to come home. xxx

shabs He doesn't say much but it must be so hard for him to be so far away at the moment. We all need to be together for a while. I will give him as much TLC as he will let me.

My friends (they live in Utah, USA) wrote to me after Matt died. The one line in the letter that really got to me was

'We wish we could hold you close and wipe away your tears, Distance is so frustrating.'

It will be wonderful for you all to be together.

No worries TW - I knew it would just be a typing error!

I'm nervous this morning. I'm going into work for the first time since May in half hour. (I was off for 2 weeks before Belle died because of my threatened prem-labour too.)

I have a meeting with the head and have written a letter requesting a phased return to work as of the next half term holidays. I'm not so much nervous about the meeting - just nervous of the building and all the people in general. Looking at me, trying to judge how sane I look, or how well I'm coping. I was going to try and go and see my children too but I think we'll see how I get on in the meeting first.

Lavandes - thats lovely news about your son! :)

ppm - hugs for you, your dealing with so much at the moment. Children can be so cruel too - I hope the school are supporting you in wiping the floor with those boys. x x x

ppm we were spurred on to sort out some video when I had my surgeries last year - I desparately wanted to have something to feel my dds close to me when I was in hospital. If it weren't for that we wouldn't have managed it. We still don't have them to watch on a television - just on my tiny mp3 player screen. Not too overwhelming there.

We've given up trying to sort through photos. SIL offered to do them for us but never did. Was gutted she didn't grasp how much we needed someone to help us. Recently though, we've bought a digi frame and managed to load some pics onto it. We're hopign to get a whole load of prints done soon through a local store who understand why it's difficult for us to do the editing and cropping. All we've got to do is copy everything onto a hard drive and they'll sort out prints for us. Still too hard...

All the talk of videos and dvds has reminded me , I watched something a few weeks ago which was talking about how long they last . Apparently out of all the dvds they tested on average they only lasted 10 yrs . I really need to dig mine out and get them replaced . I would be devastated if I lost the film of Harry .

I had no idea that they had a shelf life like that at all .