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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

In memory of my beloved Fraser and all our children.Little buds sown on earth to bloom in heaven

980 replies

frasersmummy · 28/07/2010 18:52

A new haven for us all to say exactly what is in our heart or on our minds knowing that everyone understands and wont judge

OP posts:
shabbapinkfrog · 14/09/2010 13:00

I've got video of Matty - I was told we would be lucky if we got more than 50 plays from it. I have only watched it about 10 times but Im thinking of having it put on several DVD's??

travellingwilbury · 14/09/2010 13:44

I would Shabs , I am def going to get Harrys done . I don't think it is just the mount of times it is played just that they don't physically last that long .

sarabeth · 14/09/2010 15:46

When Griffin died we opted for a post mortem and were told that it could take up to 12 weeks. Now 12 weeks on and there is still nothing. Have spoken to the bereavement midwife (completely useless) and she has now changed her tack saying that these things take AT LEAST 12 weeks.

We have spoken to the hospital several times in the last 12 weeks and they have always said that it would be back before 12 weeks were up. The implication being that we would see an obstetrician to discuss the results by this point.

Today they said they do not know how much longer the report will take and an appointment with someone hasn't been arranged as they don't do that until after the report is back. This could be up to 8 weeks later.

Is it just me or does it seem unacceptable to have to wait possibly 5 months to find out why my baby died?

We have given up on an appointment at the hospital and have asked for the report to be sent directly to my GP. So hopefully we should know soon if there is any reason and if it is safe to try again at some point. I'd much rather speak to a specialist about it but my GP is very good and I don't see there is really any other option. I know the likelihood is that it will be inconclusive but I just need to know.

Any one else who had a stillbirth and post mortem, how long did it take?

zeno · 14/09/2010 17:34

Hi Sarabeth.

I'm sorry you're having to wait - it must be very difficult for you.

After our daughter died suddenly we waited 7 months to hear the results of the post mortem. The first weeks and months we expected it any day, then surely it must come soon, then we stopped waiting. When news finally came it was very difficult to move forward from not knowing.

It does seem unacceptable to wait so long. We were told there is a shortage of expert child pathologists, hence the delays.

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 14/09/2010 19:10

Welcome Sarabeth, I don't have any experience about pm's, but I wanted to say hello and what a lovely name you gave your son. Please come and chat here anytime, or even just lurk if you feel that helps Smile

How did today go Caz?

It's lovely to hear your son is coming home at Christmas Lavandes, something to look forward to at what is going to be a difficult time.

Your friends gesture sounds lovely Sassy, she sounds like a keeper Smile I don't mind at all that you light a candle for C in church. I am not religious in anyway, however knowing people are thinking of my darling son is very comforting.

Glad to see you are battling on PPM, it is defo progress imo {{{hugs}}}

Minione · 14/09/2010 19:28

HI everyone

Sarabeth - that's an awful long time to wait. We had ours back after 10 weeks (we got them on MAlachy's due dateSad. It didn't tell us much but we had a letter today about seeing a genetecist although this again is unlikely to confirm anything. I hope you hear something soon as waiting is agonising.

Caz - hope it went ok today. I think a phased return is the way to go. I'm deeply regretting not doing this and finding it hard to get up in the morning. My classes have been lovely and once I'm there i hold it together but I cry before i go in and when I get home. Everyone has moved on and I feel like I've been left to 'get on with it'. DH thinks I should speak to HR but tbh it is too late to do anything. I know he's worried about me and is scared of me sinking into a depression (there is a family history of manic depression). I think it would have been easier on myself if I could have gone part time for a while.

Anyway hope everyone is ok, sorry I've not been on lately just so tired from work x

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 14/09/2010 19:35

Hi Mini, your dh is right, you should speak to HR. You need to look after you, as nobody there will. It doesn't matter if it's a pita for the school to organise, you need to look after number one. Something that we're rubbish at doing.

CazEM · 14/09/2010 19:38

It was scary but I did it - and I was fine. :)

Head has a agreed to a phased return and everything else I want before my return. She is going to refer me to occupational health and will go on whatever recommendations they make and I want. So basically it can go as fast or slow as I need it too. She was really supportive.

I went down to see my kiddies for a while and saw quite a few staff and it was ok.

Going to go in once a week for a few hours between now and half term - joining in different sessions and facing a whole school assembly before I start back too.

I'm getting there.

Surprising how exhausting today has been and I've had to have a nap this afternoon.

CazEM · 14/09/2010 19:41

Mini - xposted

Your DH is right. Speak to your head and to HR. Its not too late - if your not coping its better to seek support my lovely. And I'm sure they would rather you be there part time and build up, than not there at all.

Maybe they'll refer you to occupational health as they've done with me, or go and see your own Dr and see what they can suggest....

Look after you as ILike said... xxx

Minione · 14/09/2010 21:56

Thanks ladies. Glad it went well Caz, sounds like your school have been very supportive. I feel like I've had my chance to sort stuff out when the school contacted me at the end of last term, i thought( at that point) I would be ready to return in September. I feel like I've taken about 10 steps backwards.

shabbapinkfrog · 15/09/2010 06:40

Morning girls xx

lottiejenkins · 15/09/2010 06:55

Morning xx

travellingwilbury · 15/09/2010 09:26

Morning all x

Minione , you haven't missed the boat at all , this is an ongoing situation which will change and I am sure they will listen to you and do what they can to help . Please listen to your dh and make an appointment , my dh went back to work full time and tbh it very nearly ruined him . He left the job completely in the end because he just couldn't face the hours . He always felt like you do that as he had made the decision to go back full time then he just had to suck it up . He was wrong about this and life would have been easier if he had talked to them .

You have to look after yourself , noone is going to make the offer but I am sure they would want to help if they knew you were finding it so hard .

Minione · 15/09/2010 17:25

Thanks TW. I know I'm doing too much, the days are too long and I feel exhausted. I think about what should have been constantly. We are due to be Ofsteded and I just keep thinking I wasn't even supposed to be here. I guess the forthcoming inspection is another reason why I don't want to let anyone down.

I need to talk to someone don't I?

travellingwilbury · 15/09/2010 18:03

You do xxx

I am sure you will get all the support you need , you just need to speak up . It is hard I know , I think my dh thought that if they couldn't notice then they didn't care enough so why bother . But the truth of it was he was very good at hiding how hard he was finding things and they just thought that was his way of coping .

Nobody in their right mind will blame you for wanting to take a step back , you have done so well to get this far and the last thing you need is to make yourself feel even worse than you already .

peterpansmum · 15/09/2010 23:01

Evening ladies... I'm here with good news tonight... My DH received a kidney transplant yesterday and he got through the operaton and is stable and the signs so far are positive.

I just want everyone here to take a moment, light your candles and think of the donor's family and what strength and courage it must have taken for them to enable lives to be changed. We weren't able to donate any of gregor's organs due to the nature of his death but I know we would have if we could have. I feel a really strange mix of emotions tonight as I know somewhere out there is sadly another family suffering in shock at their loss, and knowing how this feels is quite overwhelming. xx

shabbapinkfrog · 15/09/2010 23:10

PPM so thrilled for all of you - sending lots of love and positive thoughts. Also thinking about the donors family. We donated Mattys corneas - they couldn't use anything else because of his injuries. If the donor family feel like I did they will be feeling elation for you and overwhelming sadness for their loss. As the years pass their lifesaving act will bring them tremendous comfort. Massive hugs and kisses to all of you xxxxxx

SassySusan · 15/09/2010 23:33

PPM I felt that too... that strange mix of joy and sadness.. Friends and I have been praying for your DH and the donor and his family in their terrible loss.

Just hope everything continues to go well - you both so deserve it. xx

shabbapinkfrog · 16/09/2010 06:42

Morning girls xx

deemented · 16/09/2010 06:54

Morning folks

PPM - thinking of you, your husband, your family and of course, the donors family. What a wonderful thing they have done.

travellingwilbury · 16/09/2010 07:26

Morning all xx

ppm That is fantastic news , what a generous family they must be .

lavandes · 16/09/2010 07:27

Morning ladies

ppm I am so happy for you. I hope your husband goes on to make a full recovery. You all deserve it so much.

Thinking of the donor's family at this sad time. To think of others when they have lost their loved one is so kind. There are good people out there. xx

shabbapinkfrog · 16/09/2010 07:45

My Matty carried a donor card all day, every day!!! He thought he had a very small willy and was hoping that one day they would do willy transplants .....he was one of a kind!! Grin

peterpansmum · 16/09/2010 08:05

Oh Shabs you've just made me laugh out loud x

Thanks everyone - it's been a really weird couple of days. Can't quite let myself imagine a life without dialysis yet - I've done home-hemodialysis for my husband for the last 12 years, we have a converted room in our house for that sole purpose, it's so much been an accepted part of our lifestyle all this time. He had to dialyse for 5 hours at a time three times a week, it's sooo time consuming and really is overwhelming to imagine what lies ahead.

Sassy - hope to catch you for a cuppa early pm if the traffic isn't too bad. thank you sooo much for your support - you're a fab friend xx

shabbapinkfrog · 16/09/2010 08:07

Glad I made you laugh....I cant see a donor card without bursting out laughing....I helped him fill his in and read out the options to him. He said 'anybody can have anything they want Mam, as long as I get the first willy transplant.'

The nurses faces, in A & E were like this Shock when I told them to check his pockets for his donor card. They had no idea what to say - which would have made Matty rock with laughter.

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