In memory of my beloved Fraser and all our children.Little buds sown on earth to bloom in heaven

[frasersmummy]

A new haven for us all to say exactly what is in our heart or on our minds knowing that everyone understands and wont judge

WHAT A GRIEVING MOTHER REALLY THINKS.......

Hello, old friend,
Oh yes you know
I lost my child a while ago.
No, no please dont look away
And change the subject, its OK.
You see, at first I couldn't feel
It took so long, but now it's real.
I hurt so much inside, you see
I need to talk, come sit with me?
You see, I was numb for so very long,
And people said 'My, she is so strong.'
They did not know I couldn't feel,
My broken heart made it all unreal.
But then one day, as I awoke,
I clutched my chest, began to choke,
Such a scream, such a wail, broke from me.
My Child, My Child! The horror of reality.
But everyone has moved on, you see
Everyone except for me.
Now, when I need friends most of all,
Between us there now stands a wall,
My pain is more than they can bear,
When I mention my child, I see their blank stare.
'But I thought you were over it' their eyes seem to say.
No, No, I can't listen to this, not today.
So I smile and pretend and say 'Oh I'm OK.'
But inside I am crying, as I turn away.
And so, my old friend, I shall paint on a smile,
As I have from the start, you never knowing all the while.
All I've just said to you in my heart.

Author unknown - taken from a Compassionate Friends newsletter.

Shabs that made me cry , I so relate to that xxx

How you feeling now ?

TW - Still feel veeeery calm - although feeling that calm is a bit un-nerving to be honest.

Still no signs of my boys at all....I think my friends DD Vicky has 'pinched' them from me

I think you might be right Shabs , she sounded like a right minx

It must be really odd for you atm xx

shabs that poem says it all doesn't it?

Morning girls xx

Morning everyone...

I've had a really low couple of days. Its like I'm drowning in self-pity and can't resurface. All I see everywhere is healthy newborns, but mine had to die. Its not fair. I never got the chance to have a newborn or be a Mummy. I really do hate this self-piting but I can't seem to stop it. I know I have so much else to be thankful for but despite everything else all I want is Belle.

Going to church again this morning. Maybe something will jolt me back up. Its a sunny day here in S.Wales at the moment...

Morning all xx

You'll go up and down Caz - just part of the journey... I have been writing - that seems to help xx

caz it is all up and down. I thought I was doing well, but I have had a few awful days, today I have been distraught. Hope tomorrow will be better xx

hey all..

I am sorry for not being around but being in school till 3pm seems to be knocking Ross for 6 at the moment and I seem to be in a constant battle with him

I feel really guilty because I should be so grateful he is here instead of yelling at him .

I feel like a terrible mum and sometimes wonder if God knew this and thats why he took Fraser

Oh love, please don't think that at all. It's simply not true.

You know you are greatful for hom being here, but you are still allowed to be angry or pissed off or annoyed at him, those feelings don't stop just because you think you shouldn't feel them.

I swear Brennan was lucky to see his sixth birthday - he pushed and pushed and has developed such an attitude problem he could rival a hormonal teen!

Could it be also that at this age young boys have a huge surge of testosterone, and he's acting on that?

You are doing such a good job with him, and although not always easy, you should be proud

Well if you're right FM that must mean we were all crap mothers. I know that isn't true. I was actually a pretty good Mum. Catherine was well looked after and happy. So that must mean you're quite wrong.

Not that i'd know, but I don't think your child dying on you makes it easier to parent your other DCs. If I get to have another go, I suspect I'll have a whole range of hang ups and stuff to overcome that I didn't have when I was Catherine's Mummy. However, I know I would still be better than good enough - and I'm sure you are too. xx

`morning girls xx

Morning all x

fm , I have had similar feelings about my two , whenever they are being a bit naughty or driving me nuts with all the why questions and I end up feeling grumpy I end up feeling so guilty . Much more so than if I never had Harry I think .
Behind every grump with them is that feeling that if Harry was here I would be delighted if he was driving me mad .
In reality I am sure I wouldn't be but it doesn't stop the feelings.

morning girlsx

After Matty died my Mum kept saying 'I should have let him play with my Russian dolls, I should have bought him the £50 trainers he wanted etc etc etc.'

My reply was always 'Thank God you didn't he would have been a totally spoilt brat!'

We have to discipline our surviving children...we have to...they need boundaries to feel safe....Im not saying its easy, and Im certainly not saying that we dont feel utterly crap afterwards...but thats just what we have to do.

Being a parent is full of guilt but being a bereaved parent multiplies it by at least a million times!

Morning all. Wilf had a rotten weekend at school. He shares a residence with another child who has worse behavioural problems than he does. On Saturday the child took his glasses from him and broke them then yesterday afternoon he texted me to say the other child had kicked him in the face! The child was reprimanded and given time out etc!! I will definetly be speaking to someone in the care office this morning as well as making an emergency call to my friend who owns the opticians that we use!!

OMG Lottie that is utter shite crap!

The thing is Shabs, Wilf has regularly broken my glasses over the years so a little bit of what happened on Sat did make me think he might know how i feel now. he does take it out on me too and hurts me too when he gets angry but i wouldnt wish yesterday afternoon on my worst enemy!

Just pissed off and today. I know its not their fault their lives are so wonderful and bloody amazing and without a care in the world, or if they do have a care, its a moan about being a parent. I should stay away from FB, but I can't help myself. But isn't it full of either people moaning that their babies have had them up half the night (poor poor them), or how wonderful it is to be a new mummy. They can all just fuck off.

Sorry for ranting here girls - but I have to let it out somewhere, as of course I'm full of self-restraint on FB.

I'll go back to filling my non-maternity leave with housewife work now.

Let it out Caz. Fuck them all!

Currently I hate all parents of children starting school this year. Bastards, moaning away about how upsetting it is. Banging on about how cute they are in their uniform.

Sometimes it I feel it as a physical effort, restraining myself from yelling at them. Might explain why I'm feeling so very very tired at the moment.

Caz , scream away . I have just read the thread with poor fudge and your post was so lovely . Are you ok ? It must have really taken it out of you x

I never had facebook when we lost Harry and I am glad I didn't , I do think that I would have ended up ranting and making an arse of myself .

I'm with you there Zeno. Cole wouldn't have been starting now, but he would have been starting this school year. I don't begrudge them at all, I just wish C was walking along side of them. The pictures on FB are lovely really, but cause quite a stab when I see them.

A lady popped into my head about 5 minutes earlier and I thought I'd write about her on here. The awful thing is I don't even know her name .........

When C was first admitted into Intensive Care we were totally and utterly in shock. We had been in hospital, but only for a few days and didn't really know/understand the extent of his illness.

Anyway, C started to display the signs that meant he would have to be admitted to ICU, sedated and put onto a ventilator. We had to hand over our awake baby to a group of people we had never met, and then we would see him again, ventilted and hooked up to various machines and drugs.

The moment they took him was horrendous, we had no idea whether we would see him alive again. We were totally and utterly in shock.

There was another lady on the same ward as us who was staying in with her baby niece. She was an Arab lady and spoke only a little English, but she understood what was happening to C as she had been through the same with her niece. Anyway, she came up and hugged us and brought us drinks and something like baklava. Something so small, but meant so much to us. She didn't turn her back or head away from us like most other people. She acknowledged us and took care of us.

I know she won't be reading this, but I just want to say 'thank you, thank you, thank you.'

Ilike 'Angels walk amongst us.'