In memory of my beloved Fraser and all our children.Little buds sown on earth to bloom in heaven

[frasersmummy]

A new haven for us all to say exactly what is in our heart or on our minds knowing that everyone understands and wont judge

Shabs Writing sounds a fabulous idea. I have just started writing... I am not sure what to do with it... I was sort of thinking of starting a Blog - maybe you could do one too?

Dee
I wanted Catherine to live so much, i willed her to live. She was so loved so so wanted. I loved her and it still wasn't enough. I couldn't save her. I loved her but she died anyway.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.. Yes, I know exactly how you feel and I hate it. Sometimes the pain hits me again in waves, and it feels as raw as the first moment I lost her. Giving you a big hug. It is shit.

Sorry - in a sweary mood tonight xx

Morning girls xx

morning girls,big hugs to everyone,my youngest dd is moving out next week ,so busy lately working but dd1 took us to a friends to see a 1 to 1 medium last night,and jayden came throuugh to us both, amazing it was ,i had one last time and it unsettled the dog big time,just been on face book and dd1s friend dog is sat growling.

Morning all xxxx

Oh Hazy it is brilliant when you get a message. Many people dont believe but if it brings comfort I cannot see the harm in it xxxxx

Morning all xx
Dee A candle is lit here in sunny Sussex for Ciaran xx I hope you manage to find some peace today xx

Thinking about you today Dee and your precious boy. Just lit my candle in honour of Ciaran and with love for all of you xxxxxxx

Candle lit here in Edinburgh for Ciaran xx
Happy Birthday to Brennan xx
Hope you make it through the day ok.

Dee - all my thoughts love and prayers for you today. A candle lit for little Ciaran. x x x

DH didn't get his promotion - we're both very dissapointed. Came down to him against one external applicant. DH didn't get it cuz he didn't have as much business project management as other man. Its a knock he didn't need, but I guess he just keeps doing his projects until he is deemed to have enough expereience.

I can feel a dip coming again.

Thinking of you today Dee. A candle lit here in Leicestershire for Ciaran xx

Caz - I'm sorry to hear your husband didn't get the promotion - it would have been nice to have some good news.

I'm going to see my ywo best friends at the weekend. One is coming down from Sunderland and we're going to visit the other in Oxford. I'm looking forward to it but again its not how it should've been. The friend in Oxford has been going through a difficult time herself, her Mum died unexpectedly the week following Malachy. However, she came to the funeral (I wasn't expecting her to as she had enough shit of her own to deal with) and was there for me. True friends are sooo special and important x

Thank you all for your messages of support and love.

Today has been.... ok. Not fantastic (though i made sure Brennan thought it was) but ok. I went up to Ciaran's grave and whilst there it occoured to me that it doesn't really matter if i go there or not, because he isn't there. What makes him him is all around me, and inside me, in every fibre of my being - the very essence of him wil never leave me. Obviously i do want to go there to make sure it's tidy ect, but it's not like how it was. I have no burning need to go there anymore because he's not there. I'm not sure how i feel about that.

Do you know, no one other than me has spoken his name aloud today? It's almost as if he never existed, like he didn't matter. I mentioned to my sister that i'd been to his grave and ended up comforting her because it was all so hard for her. Just about sums it up really.

I'll be lighting a candle here tonight for Ciaran xxx

I can tell you need a cuddle Dee and I wish I was there with you to give it. We could cry, drink tea and talk about Ciaran, and say his name out loud and over and over again.

I feel the same way about Cole's grave. I mostly visit it to make sure it's clean and tidy, but I don't feel him there - not like the early days. And like you I don't know how I feel about that.

Hugs and love Dee xxxxxx

I really feel that our children are in our hearts. I did not feel any connection when we visited the crematorium where where rested Richard's ashes, but I felt close to him when we went to the sea on his birthday.

Sending hugs and love to you Dee, your Ciaron will always be with you. xx

Morning girls xx

Morning all xx

Dee , I am the same , I used to spend every day at the churchyard in the early days but now I hardly go at all . I feel so guilty about it but when I am there I don't feel anything but pain .

I don't see the point in feeling guilty about the grave - but I know what you mean. DH finds going especially hard, and will routinely say - shall we go? Then say he dosn't really want to, but he feels he should.

I have never felt Catherine is at the cemetry. I actually think they are really there to comfort the living. I like sitting there becaue at least everyone knows I am mourning.

I know this isn't really the place for this but I have just got back from the school after leaving my youngest there crying and having to be prised off my legs . It is his first week and I feel like shite .
All I keep thinking is how much I would give to have Harry give me one last hug and there I am making Daniel cry because I have to leave him at school .

Also I have just phoned the school to see if he was settled now , and all she said was that she had just been down there and everyone seemed fine . Not that she had seen him or anything just that all seemed fine . To make it worse she is my bloody sister in law , you would think she would make a bit of an effort for her nephew and not just give me the standard line .

Hi I have never posted on this thread before. My daughter (amy)would of been 18 today she died at a Hospice when she was 9yrs old. That was back in 2002. I find the anni of her death much more painful. Though today She would of been 18 and that seems more difficult suddenly. Have got used to the memorable dates now - or so I thought.
It just seemed right to post this today in memory of her. Love to you all who have lost children.

Hugs for you littlejo xxxxxxx {{{{{{{{}}}}}}}

tw You have reminded of long ago when my eldest son started school. He was like your Daniel was today. It went on like that and in the end my friend across the road started taking him and he was absolutely fine. It was hard at the time and I felt guilty but it worked.

Your sister in law should have been more thoughtful after all you have been through. I would have thought she would be keeping any eye on him all the time, he should be able to depend on his Auntie. xx

Welcome Littlejo - sorry we have to meet on this thread but glad you posted. An 18th birthday is a very 'big' special one - I remember when my boys should have been 18 and the weird feeling of no parties for them.

Happy Birthday Amy - will light a candle today in your honour.

Keep posting Littlejo - we all help each other on our special thread. We are here to prop each other up on bad days and smile with each other on good days xxxx

Hi Littlejo, Welcome to our thread. Thinking of you on Amy's eighteenth birthday - what a milestone that is - i hope you are doing as best you can x

Well folks - I let rip ast night. I was about to say that i was ashamed to say i let rip, but you know what? i'm not bloody ashamed at all - i think it's been a long time coming.

Manshape and i rarely argue, but i was so fucking annoyed last night - all the people who are supposed to love me - or at least care about me hadn't mentioned Ciaran at all yesterday. Not once. No acknowledgement whatsoever that it was his birthday too. No one even bothered to ask if i was ok, nothing. I'm not expecting to be treated with kid gloves or anything, but some acknowledgement from the people closest to me would have been nice.

So. I went to bed earlyish. Had a little cry to myself. Manshape came upstairs and this is how the conversation went...

HIM - you ok?
ME - Actually, no. i'm not ok.
Him - whats wrong?
Me - oh... i dunno... what could possibly be upsetting me? What do you think?
Him - i'm not sure..
Me - how about the fact that it was Ciarans birthday today too and not one person remembered, not one person other than me said his name out loud, not one person - including you - asked me how the fuck i was. It's as if he's been forgotten aready, like he doesn't matter and nobody else cares...
Him - Oh erm... well... just because i never spoke about him doesn't mean i don't think about him.
Me - And now i'm supposed to be telepathic as well now am i? How the fuck woud i know you're thinking of him unless you tell me?
Him - I didn't want to upset you..
Me - You didn't want to upset me? Well you fucking well have - you've all upset me, but i tell you what, you won't bloody well get the chance again. How fucking silly i was, assuming that the people who are supposed to love and care for me would actually remember that i had another son, another son who i loved, who was wanted and who i'd give the fucking word just to hold in my arms again for five minutes. No, you won't get the chance to do this to me again, because next year i wont fucking let you - i'll know that you don;t give a flying fuck and i'll do what i should have done in the beginning - looked out for myself, and not rely on any fucker else. Can you not see how much you've hurt me by not saying his name?

He goes quiet

Me - well talk to me then, say something
Him - i don't know what to say, thats the troube
Me - How about saying that you don't know what to say? That would be infinately better then the deafening bloody silence i've heard all day.

Can you tell that when i'm angry i swear a lot?

This morning he's treated me with kid gloves. He's very apologetic. I'm resolute that i won't give in and say 'Oh it's ok' to make him feel better - does that make me a cow. He's hurt me, they all have - my dad, my sister - so why should i bend yet again to spare their feelings? I want him to understand how much i'm hurting.

Do you think i'm wrong?

No I dont Dee. xx

My H wont mention it - he says it makes him too sad and he remembers how he had a breakdown after both the boys died.

In my head I say:- So glad you had the time and space to have a nervous breakdown, but dont worry about me I WILL BE JUST FINE....wonder if you remember all the hateful, hurtful words you said when you were drunk? Wonder if you remember leaving me to do every single last thing from cleaning the toilet to fighting to keep our house when we both lost our jobs..Oh no you couldn't possibly remember because you would have spent the last 15 years fecking apologising!!!

......and breathe!!!

I dont think you are in the wrong at all my dear friend...I wish I had your courage to say whats in my mind. Well done you xxx